A/N: WARNING! HERE THERE BE PORN! There, I warned you.

Sylvia was starting to worry about Wander.

This wasn't really a recent development- more often than not Sylvia was worried about her fuzzy orange friend.

But right now, she was worried for a new reason: Wander was acting... goofy.

Well, goofier than usual. This was a new kind of goofy, though. Humming to himself, picking petals off of flowers and mumbling something to himself, and, weirdest of all, giggling at lightning storms.

Yeah. Weird.

But even more than that was his behavior every couple of weeks. Once in a while, the nomad would make some lame excuse to go off by himself, returning a while later with a goofy grin on his face, his fur all a mess and his face flushed, and sometimes he wouldn't be able to sit without a bit of a grimace on his face for at least a day afterward!

And then there was the fact that he'd never tell her what he'd been up to. Everytime she asked, he'd just turn the color of a tomato and babble some excuse, more often than not one that was rather improbable.

Really, Sylvia had plenty reason to be worried.

So of course she followed Wander the next time he went off by himself. Hey, if he wasn't gonna tell her, then she would just have to find out for herself!

Peepers was worried about his boss.

Which was nothing new, of course. He'd known Lord Hater since the day that the skeleton was born (literally- he was in the room when the still-living man came screaming into the world as a baby), so being concerned for his health and safety was fairly par for the course.

However, this was a new one. Ever since they had begun this crusade of conquering planets (which he'd only agreed to join at the request of Hater's mother- the woman had some damn good sad puppy-dog eyes), he'd never once seen his boss so... so distracted. Staring into space, looking conflicted, and weirdest of all, flushing whenever he heard a banjo.

There was also the fact that he kept disappearing every couple of weeks. Every once in a while, they'd land on some planet for no discernable reason, and Hater would sneak off for a few hours. When he came back, he'd almost always have this tiny, satisfied smirk on his face, an odd look in his eyes and a flush on his face, and last time, his cloak had grass stains at the knees!

It was no use to just ask the man about it. The last time Peepers had tried, the conqueror had turned bright green, spluttered uselessly for about a minute, then yelled at him to get out and shot lightning at him.

Really, Peepers had plenty reason to be worried.

So of course he followed him the next time he went off by himself. He'd promised the Queen he'd keep her son safe, and how was he supposed to do that if he didn't know what he was up to?

Wander hummed to himself as he spread the picnic blanket over the grass, giggling with anticipation.

Though he'd probably never tell Hater this for fear that the conqueror would want to stop, he really did enjoy these meetings with him.

And not just because the sex was amazing. He liked spending time with Hater, just talking and joking around.

He had to admit, he'd really come to like the overlord, although perhaps his feelings were... less than friendly. He certainly wouldn't mind being in a relationship with Hater, even though he knew it would probably never happen.

With a sigh, the nomad laid down, picking a nearby flower and plucking some of his petals, saying the same oft-repeated tirade he had said before:

"He loves me, he loves me not, loves me, loves me not..." He grinned as he reached the last petal. "He loves me!"

Wander giggled, sitting up and clearing the petals away. His heart sank a little, because despite what the game had said, the notion that Hater would ever love him was... well, impossible, to say the least.

No matter how much he wanted it to be true, the fact was that Hater would probably never return his feelings.

Suddenly, the nomad heard someone clear their throat, and when he looked up he saw Hater, flushing a bit and standing awkwardly.

"O-Oh! Hello, Hater!" He said with a grin, tossing the flower stem over his shoulder.

"... Yeah, hi."

If Hater had seen him playing the petal game, the overlord wasn't saying anything, and Wander certainly wasn't about to say anything.

"So, how are you?" The nomad asked as the conqueror sat down.

"U-Uh, fine... You, um, brought a blanket this time?"

"Oh, yes! I remembered that you complained about the grass stains last time, so I was thinking that this would help!"

The overlord couldn't help but smile a little, shifting in his seat a bit. "Th... Thanks."

Wander grinned at him, scooting closer to Hater, who swallowed nervously as he leaned over and kissed the nomad. The orange alien smiled against Hater's mouth as he wrapped his arms around Hater's shoulders, moving into his lover's lap. Hater moaned slightly, moving his hands to cradle Wander's jaw gently.

The nomad opened his eyes slightly, a little confused. This... this was different. Sure, it still had the same desire behind it, the desire to do more than just kiss, but... normally Hater's kisses were rougher, all heated and demanding. This was tender, slow and sweet, almost as if he were asking Wander if he liked it.

Which, of course, he did.

"Ev... Everything okay?" Wander whispered against Hater's mouth, his breath hot against the skeleton's lips.

The conqueror flushed a dark shade of green. "Y... Yeah, m'fine." He promised, the husky tone to his voice sending a shiver down Wander's spine. Before the nomad could press him any further, though, the skeleton moved to kiss at Wander's neck, his hands roaming down his lover's back until one of them reached the nomad's butt and squeezed slightly.

"O-Ooh! Hater, you sassy man!" Wander teased, nuzzling Hater's collarbone.

The conqueror couldn't help but snort, a laugh bubbling up in his throat. "'M not sassy!"

"Yes you are!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too- oh!"

Wander squeaked as the overlord moved his hand between the nomad's thighs, moaning as he rubbed at the fleshy folds there.

"Mmmm... oh, Hater..." He sighed, moving his own hand down to the tent that had formed in his lover's lap. Hater groaned, resting his head against the nomad's shoulders.

"L... Lie down, please."

Wander smiled, moving out of Hater's lap and taking his hat off, digging around and pulling out the two items they need out.

"Here ya go, Hatey! Now remember, use the lube liberally, we don't want a repeat of what happened on Altreus 7!"

"I-I said I was sorry!" Hater objected, flushing a bright shade of green.

Wander just chuckled, turning over on his stomach. However, no sooner had he done that than Hater had grabbed him, gently turning him onto his back.

"Everything okay?" Wander asked, eyeing the lube and condoms that had been put aside nervously.

"It's, um, it's fine, I just... um... there's... there's something else, uh, something else I'd like to try, if, if you don't mind."

Wander blinked, confused. "Um... alright, I guess. What did you have in mind?"

The overlord grinned nervously, moving down and spreading Wander's legs carefully.

"Uh, could you, um, pull a pillow or something out of your hat?"

Wander gave him a bemused look, but did as he asked, pulling a pillow out and handing it to the overlord.

"Thanks. Lift your hips a little?"

Though he was still confused as to what in the world Hater had in mind, Wander did so, watching as Hater slipped the cushion under his hips and moved between his legs.

"Hatey," Wander started carefully, never taking his eyes off the conqueror, "What's going ooooon eeep!"

Wander squeaked as the overlord licked at his vulva, flushing brightly as he threw his head back in a moan. Hater simply hummed, weaving his tongue between all the folds, sometimes sucking at certain parts that drove Wander wild.

It was amazing, although the sudden attention was more than a little confusing. Though he was good, if a little inexperienced, Hater was usually a more demanding lover, something that Wander was pretty okay with- he did enjoy the sounds that Hater would make whenever the nomad was sucking him off, or the little moans that would escape the conqueror's lips when he was fucking Wander and getting close.

Still, he enjoyed the attention.

"A-Aah! H-Hater, Hater, baby, h-hah, please-!"

"Please what?" The conqueror teased, swiping his tongue up the sides of Wander's vulva before moving back down, his tongue moving in a zig-zag pattern.

Wander keened, his hips jerking up involuntarily when Hater licked at his penis for just one tantalizing moment. "D-Don't stop! A-Ah!"

"Do you like this?"

"Y-Yes! Gob, yes!" Wander cried, gripping at the blanket as his lover sucked and tugged at his lips. "O-Oooooh... Hater, gob, please, I... I..." He bit his lip, sitting up. "T-Take me!"

Hater's head jerked up, his eyes wide and his face a deep green. "Wh... What?"

The nomad moaned, pushing his lover so that he was on his knees and grabbing at his cloak. "Take me, fuck me, please! I need you, want you, l-" He bit his lip, trying to keep anything more humiliating from slipping out. "Hater, please, just fuck me already!"

"U-Uh... I, I mean, uh, I..." Hater stuttered, grabbing at the lube beside him. "A-Alright, alright, um, j-just... uh, just lay back for a second, alright?"

Wander nodded feverishly, laying back and staring at his lover through half-lidded eyes. Hater swallowed hard, stumbling as he opened up the bottle and squeezed a liberal amount onto his fingers, swallowing hard and leaning down next to Wander as he rubbed at the area between Wander's legs, making sure to get enough inside so there wouldn't be any pain or discomfort.

"I... I think we're good..." Wander mumbled, kissing Hater's jaw quickly. The conqueror sat up, fumbling with the box of condoms before he finally got it open, ripping one out of its packaging and handing it to Wander while he pulled up his robe and pulled down his boxers.

Wander grinned as he handed the condom over to his lover. "Mmm... have I ever told you how much I love your cock?"

Hater flushed. "Um. Um. W-Well, you, you, uh... you have now." He mumbled as he slipped the rubber on, adding a drop or two to the outside to ensure easier entrance.

The nomad giggled, smiling at the conqueror as he moved back between Wander's legs.

"Ready?"

Wander nodded, wrapping his arms around Hater's neck. "Ready."

The overlord swallowed hard as he pushed in, biting back a moan as Wander's grip on him tightened.

"Mmmm... Hatey?"

"Y... Yeah?"

Wander smirked at him seductively. "Move."

Hater's cock twitched at the command. "S-Sir yes sir." He mumbled, moving back and thrusting into his lover experimentally.

"A-Ah!" The nomad cried, his toes curling in delight. "A-Again!"

Hater groaned, thrusting again and again until he found his rhythm, shuddering when Wander suddenly cried out after a few minutes.

"Th-There! Right there, please!"

"O... Okay..." He mumbled, gripping at the blanket as he slowly opened his eyes, barely biting back a moan when he saw the look of pure ecstasy on his lover's face as he hit the spot just right over and over again.

"G-Gob, Wander," he muttered, moving one of his hands to cradle the smaller alien's jaw. "I... You... You're gorgeous, you know that?"

Wander's eyes opened slightly, his face flushing a deep red. "Wh... Wha-?! Oh!" Wander threw his head back, his whole body shuddering with pleasure as his lover moved one of his hands down to fondle his leaking cock. "H-Hater, ah, Hatey-! Can't-! 'M gonna-!"

"Y-Yeah, me... me too..." Hater muttered, moving the hand that had been cradling Wander's face to hold the nomad's hand. "Wander... gob, Wander!"

With one last cry of his lover's name, the overlord came, Wander following suit only seconds after. They laid still for only a moment, Wander's heavy breathing the only sound around them.

Hater cleared his throat as he pulled out, taking off the rubber and tossing it in a nearby trashcan.

"Wooooow." Wander expressed breathlessly, sitting up and pulling a washcloth out of his hat to clean himself off with. "Gob, Hater, where'd you learn to do that?"

Hater flushed, clearing his throat as he sat back down. "I-I, uh, I... Y'know, just... just, uh, looked it up."

Wander grinned, crawling over and pecking his lover on the cheek. "Well, I think your research paid off in a big way!"

Hater smiled sheepishly, then cleared his throat. "... um... W... Wander?"

"Yes?"

The overlord turned to face him, fidgeting nervously in his seat. "Can... can I ask you something?"

"Of course!" Wander replied cheerfully, giving his lover an encouraging smile.

The conqueror swallowed hard, wringing his hands anxiously. "What... what would you say if, if um, if we... we made this... this thing between us a little more official?"

The nomad blinked, his eyes going wide. "Wh... What?"

"I-I mean, um, I'd... I'd like to see you again, in, in a, um... less sexual sort of way. A-Although I guess it could probably end in sex, b-but that wouldn't be the main purpose of meeting-!"

"Hater," Wander said gently, taking one of the overlord's hands. "Hater, are you trying to ask me to go out with you?"

Hater flushed brightly, stuttering uselessly for a moment before looking away shamefully. "It's... it's, um, it's okay if you don't want to. In fact, if... if you don't want to see me at all now, it's okay-"

"Oh, no! No, I'd... I'd love to go out with you!"

The overlord's eyes widened as he turned towards the nomad. "W... Wait, really?!"

"Yes! I... gob, you really like me that much?"

"Y-Yeah, I-I've been trying to tell you, I just-!"

"Didn't think I felt the same way?"

"Yeah!"

Wander laughed as he wrapped his arms his lover, the conqueror hugging him back tightly. When they separated, the nomad leaned forward, kissing his boyfriend firmly. Hater grinned against Wander's lips, cradling the orange alien's jaw in his hands.

"...nder! Wander, where are ya, buddy?" They heard Sylvia call, the tall grass nearby rustling. The pair pulled away, Wander gasping as his friend finally moved into the clearing.

"Wander! There you are, I've been looking all... over for..." She trailed off, her eyes wide when she saw Hater.

"Uh- um- Sylvia!" Wander squeaked, quickly getting out of Hater's lap and standing up. "What- What are you, um, what are you doing here?"

"... Why are you with him?"

"Hm? Whoever are you talking about, my dear chum?" Wander tried, grinning nervously.

"... Seriously?" Both the skeleton and the Zbornak stated at the same time.

The smile dropped off of the nomad's face, Wander sighing in defeat. "I... I, um, that is, we-!"

"Sir? Sir? Siiiiiiiiiiiir!"

Hater jumped as the commander entered the clearing, scrambling onto his feet and turning around.

"Uh, um, Peepers!" He exclaimed, a nervous grin on his face.

Peepers blinked. "Sir, what are you doing?"

"Uh, nothing! Nothing at all! Go back to the ship!"

The commander eyed him warily, his gaze drifting down to the ground. His eye widened when he saw the open box of condoms and the bottle of lube, Sylvia's eyes doing the same when she saw it.

"Oh glorn almighty!" She yelled, taking a step back.

"D-Did you two just have sex?!" Peepers shouted, recoiling a bit.

"Wh-What?! No!"

"N-No! Of course not! Now, of all the-!" Wander faked a laugh. "Us sleeping together! What an idea!"

"Yeah, like I'd ever- geez, Peepers, get your mind out of the gutter!"

The pair grinned at their respective intruders, who both had a look on their faces that said that they weren't buying it. The smiles vanished as the two looked at each other, then sighed.

"Yeah."

"We had sex."

"Not for the first time."

"Not even close, no."

Sylvia stared at them for a moment before scoffing and throwing her hands in the air. "Nope. Not gonna deal with this right now." She announced, turning and retreating back into the tall grass.

"Sylvia!" Wander called, looking worried.

"Nope." The zbornak called back, her voice already sounding far away.

Hater glanced back, his eyes widening when he saw that Peepers had retreated back into the grass as well. "What the- PEEPERS! GET BACK HERE!"

When no reply came, the skeleton groaned, pulled the hood of his robe further down over his face. "Shit."

Wander sighed, taking his boyfriend's hand gently. "Well, what should we do? Should we go see Sylvia first, or Peepers?"

"Can't we just stay here forever and become one with nature?" Hater muttered as he sat down, his words slightly muffled by his hood.

"No, because once you start running from something, you can't ever stop."

The conqueror was silent for a moment before he readjusted his cloak, sighing in defeat. "Sylvia. At least she'll just punch me and be done with it; Peepers'll probably just lecture me or something."

Hater swallowed nervously as the zbornak stared him down, her gaze cold and unflinching.

On second thought, I should have gone with the lecture from a tiny eyeball man.

"How long has this been going on?" Sylvia asked, never looking away from the skeleton.

"A few months." Wander answered honestly, keeping a steady grip on his boyfriend's hand.

"And why did it start?"

"Well-"

"Nah-uh! I want to hear this one from Skullboy over here."

Ignoring her dig about his looks, the conqueror cleared his throat. "U-Uh... well, um, while... while we were stuck together on that ice planet, there, um, was a blizzard, and he was freezing to death 'cause he lost his hat so he could pull out a blanket or something, and I felt... I felt bad for him, so I let him... let him share my robe, and..." He flushed, looking away sheepishly. "You can probably guess what happened."

Sylvia's gaze never wavered. "You're being safe, I hope? I'm not gonna be happy if Wander ends up knocked up!"

"Wh- You saw the condoms! A-And what's with that tone?! Are you trying to imply I'd just- just leave him on his own if he got pregnant?!"

"Well I certainly wouldn't be surprised!"

"Oh, of course not! You think that I'm a jerk, why wouldn't you think that-!"

"Okay, kids, just calm down!" Wander interjected quickly, pushing his boyfriend and best friend apart. "Let's not get into a fight, shall we?"

The two still glared at each other, their gazes full of fire and ice.

"Guys? Please?"

After a moment, Sylvia groaned, rolling her eyes and sticking out her hand for Hater to shake. "Look, I don't like you. In fact, you irritate me beyond belief. But Wander's my best friend, and hell, I'm not gonna get him to change his mind on something like this. I trust his judgement."

Warily, the conqueror took her hand, shaking it. Suddenly, the zbornak leaned in.

"If you ever do anything to hurt him, you are in for a world of pain."

"Sylvia!"

Hater sighed, gripping his boyfriend's hand as they walked through the door to the captain's quarters of his ship.

"Sir-!" Peepers started, stopping when Hater held his hand up.

"Look, before you start lecturing me, just let me say something."

"Sir, you don't-"

"No, I do. I know, I shouldn't have hid the fact that I've been sleeping with Wander from you, but... look, I really like him, alright? A-And I didn't want you to lecture me on how he's the enemy- by the way, get rid of the wanted posters, he's off the list- or how it's weird or anything, because... I really don't give a crap about any of that anymore. So... there. That's all I've got to say." He sighed, gesturing towards himself. "Alright. Lecture all you want."

Peepers said nothing, standing still for a moment before simply pointing upwards. Hater gave him a confused look before gazing in the direction the commander was pointing, his eyes going wide when he saw the person onscreen.

"Aw, crap."

"Thatcher."

"... Hi, Mom."

The Queen smiled warmly at him onscreen, looking over at his boyfriend. "And you must be Wander. Lovely to meet you, dear."

The orange star nomad waved at the screen. "Hello, ma'am!"

Hater laughed nervously. "Peepers. Cut the connection. NOW." He ordered through grit teeth.

"Keep the connection going, Peepers." His mother instructed, a smug smile on her face.

"Wh- I'm his boss!"

"And I am your mother."

"So?! You aren't his mother!"

"I may not be his mother, but I am still his queen."

Hater turned to his commander. "Peepers!" He whined desperately.

The monocular alien shrugged. "Sorry, sir. She outranks you."

The skeleton groaned, tugging at his hood. "Why me?"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, darling. I'm very happy that you've found someone. And... that your relationship with them is going so well."

"... You're talking about the sex thing, aren't you?"

"I am talking about the sex thing, yes."

"Please don't tell Tuesday."

"I won't tell Tuesday."

Hater let out a sigh of relief. "Oh thank gob."

"Mostly because you have told her about the sex thing."

"... What?"

The overlord's mother grinned devilishly as she moved to the side, her daughter coming into view.

"Hi, big brother!" She held up a piece of notebook paper to the screen, the words "Congratulations on having sex!" written in a fancy script.

"Sorry it's not a cake, but I didn't have enough time to bake one."

"... You're my family, and I love you, but you are all terrible."

"Oh, come on, Thatcher!" Wander said with a giggle. "It's not that bad!"

"Oh don't you start!"