Chapter 19

Ruby and Weiss only packed enough food for two, so when noontime came around they had to pull off the road again. Grocery stores were cleaned out fast in the first few days, and more often then not they always reeked of decaying fruit and the meat that rotted away when the electricity shut off. And the flies. There were always thousands and thousands of flies that poured out when the doors opened, like a pestilence straight from John Coffey's mouth.

Food pantries, the little kind tucked in strip malls that stayed in business by selling smokes and cheap beer, were much easier to stomach for a quick meal or snack. There was nothing fresh and usually just a single employee to deal with.

"Sure you don't want us to come in with you?" Ruby asked.

"Nah, it's just for us, so you two can stay in the car," Yang said.

She left the car and followed after Blake, who again left quickly and quietly without saying anything. Yang knew she had fallen into one of her moods. Weiss rolled down her window on the van, so Yang turned back for a moment.

Ruby called out across Weiss. "Make a loud noise before you go in. Oh! And get me some Famous Amos!" Then she began to lay out her step by step guide for getting food from a strip mall, and ranted until Yang stopped her.

"Keep this up and you're getting oatmeal raisin."

"Blech. Just be careful in there, alright?"

Weiss nudged Ruby back into her seat. "Oh leave her alone. She's done this plenty of times and I'm sure you're just annoying her. Besides, she probably just wants some alone time with miss tall dark and brooding."

The way Weiss stretched the 'o' in alone put a hitch in Blake's step. It was only for a short moment before she continued on. Yang left Ruby and Weiss to themselves.

The little store had a lot of bare shelves. It was picked clean like the rib cage of a zombie dead on the side of the road. Dried streaks where condensation used to be coated the glass doors of all the refrigerators and the smell of rotten milk had been let out when someone had pillaged all the drinks. Blake walked the aisles. There was still some jerky and cans of spam, but all the sunflower seeds and nuts were gone. Whoever came through had taken all the vegan friendly protein bars and left nothing but chocolate covered bars Blake couldn't eat.

"I don't think there's anything for me here."

Yang had already found a few bags of cookies for Ruby. She took a few protein bars and a Slim Jim for herself. She hopped the counter and found a plastic bag to stuff it all into. Blake looped through the shelves again.

"I'm sorry about Weiss," Yang said.

"Don't worry. Girls like Weiss assume everyone is LGBT until proven otherwise. I think it makes it easier for her to cope with the world."

A dull metallic crash rang through the store, and loose cans rolled out from one of the aisles. Yang called out, "no tuna?"

"No tuna."

Yang had dated a vegan long enough to know it wasn't easy to find something to substantial to eat in a place like this on a good day, let alone after it had stopped being stocked. But Blake kept at her search. Yang eased her boredom by taking one of the take-a-penny-leave-a-pennys to an entire spool of scratch offs.

"Wow. It is not easy to win one of these," she said after a few narrow misses. The ribbon of tickets pooled at her feet like she was a child playing with toilet paper, except this paper was 1, 2, 5 or 10 dollars a square.

"I think a few days of rest on Weiss's yacht would have been good for us," Blake said from the other side of the store. "I know you worry about her a lot, but we both know Ruby would be just fine without us."

Yang thought about Ruby, alone in the car with Weiss. Blake was right. Her little sister who didn't need help to kill zombies and traverse the post apocalyptic countryside. There was only one thing Ruby needed help with. "Why can't we tell them about us?"

Blake didn't answer her.

"Weiss is like, the third gayest person on the planet, right behind Elton John and Ellen. They aren't going to judge you, even a little bit. Weiss will probably actually like you more. No way you don't know that. You're the smartest girl I know."

"I just wouldn't feel comfortable being out."

"I don't mean all the way out. You don't have to kiss me in public or bend me over the table in the dining hall or anything. But it's just Ruby and Weiss. It's my sister, and I hate hiding things from her. I love you, but you make this really difficult."

"It's my decision. I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to guilt me into changing my mind."

"That is not what this is and you know it. It feels like you don't even think about it. Like the thought of people knowing you're gay or a vegan is the worst thing in the world. Truth is no one will care."

"Someone would care," Blake said. "I do think about it. I think about it plenty, and I'm not ready yet. Someday I will be. But not yet."

"That's what you always say. I'm sorry, but eventually someday comes." Yang had given her both time and plenty of space on the subject, but the new way of the world made it hard to keep giving her either. "You're just a coward. You know that? Doing brave shit doesn't count when you're backed in a corner. You're a yellow bellied scaredy cat, Blake."

Blake pulled her lips tight into a flat little line of shadow on her face. "I'm not ready yet."

Yang started to growl. She felt the world start to close up. The darkness edged in on her vision once again, and she started to scratch more furiously. She went through four more tickets, leaving holes ripped in each with her penny. She felt that low rumble in her throat, and her mind started to leave to that far away place it went when her body didn't have any use for it anymore.

She took a deep breath.

It was easy for her to see that Ruby needed to be honest. It was hard to accept that she had to be honest too.

"It fucking pisses me off– no, no– it– it hurts my feelings that you don't want to tell people that you're dating me."

It took a long time for Blake to react. After awhile she poked her head around the shelf and all she could say was, "What?"

Yang swallowed. It didn't get the air back in her lungs. They burned, but she spoke anyway. "People usually brag. They go running to their friends and it's always, you know who I hooked up with? Did you see how hot that girl I left with last night was? I can't believe I got to be with Yang. But you desperately don't want anyone to know you'd settle for me."

"What are you even saying? I love you," she said, her voice hesitant, still not used to saying that out loud.

"You can love something and still be ashamed that you love it. It makes me feel like you're ashamed to be dating me."

"I'm not ashamed, Yang." Blake almost looked confused. "I can't entirely believe what I'm hearing. You can't possibly be feeling insecure. You're Yang. Have you seen you?"

"Please. I know I'm hot. Everyone always fu– everyone says that. I've caused car accidents just walking down the street, Blake. Car accidents. Plural. It's not that, because that's not you. You're not shallow and that's why it bothers me so damn much." Yang took a deep breath. She hadn't stopped scratching at the lotto tickets, and the paper was still shredding beneath her coin. "I'm dumb. Too stupid. You talk about some author I've never heard of whose name I can't even pronounce, and I nod along, and I smile, and I wait for you to stop so we can make out. I'm too stupid for you, and you know it."

"Yang, don't say that. Yes, maybe sometimes you– how do I put this delicately– you reinforce the stereotypes that some people may have about girls with your hair color. But you're wise, you're caring, and you're such a good person that everyone likes you. I'm the one who isn't good enough for you. You're the best person I know."

"But you still think it takes three of me to change a light bulb. One to hold the bulb and two to spin the ladder. You think sometimes I act like a fucking stereotype. You think I'm a stupid, but good, person."

Blake's eyes seemed to search for the words to say on the wall behind Yang. "That's not what I was trying to say. I'm sorry. We can tell them when we get back to the car. That'll be fine."

"No. No. Hell no, that's not what we're going to do because that's not what this was about. I meant it. I'm not trying to guilt you into getting my way. I don't want that and it wouldn't make me feel any better. I just wanted you to know how I felt. I'm sorry I said anything."

"No, don't be. I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. That really isn't the reason why I don't want people to know I'm gay. You have to know that."

Yang nodded. The coin wasn't tearing the paper anymore. "Hey, I won a thousand bucks. It must be my lucky day." She stuffed the winning ticket in her pocket and walked around the counter. She went to leave, but hesitated at the door. She darted over and gave Blake a quick peck on the cheek, then left in a hurry.

The sun felt like an open oven after the dark of the store. Yang blinked it away and looked to the van. Through the glass of the windshield, Yang could tell the mood in the van wasn't any better than the one in the store. Weiss had left her window open, and a zombie lay on the ground beside the car with a hole in his head. He wore prison suit orange. Yang had no idea why the prisoners stuck to their suits, but they did.

Weiss dropped her head to the steering wheel and began to cry, so Yang stepped a little faster. She looked at her sister.

Once, when they were young, Ruby spotted a crying girl in the park across from their apartment. Without saying a word, Ruby left home and crossed the street alone. By the time Yang caught up to her, Ruby was peppering the girl with zany and silly faces, and the girl had started to laugh. When Yang asked her why she did it, Ruby said nobody should have to cry. That was the sort of person her sister was.

Ruby's face was impassive. It was the face of a judge on the stand whose sentence wouldn't be overturned by tears or tirade.

Yang's steps broadened.

Ruby had some bad habits. The worst was her lack of a filter. It wasn't even the usual 'doesn't think before she speaks' problem. That sort of person still picks the words in the first place. Ruby's head was a toy capsule machine. Plunk in a quarter, open her mouth, and out rolls one of her thoughts. It wasn't usually problem because Ruby's thoughts were like those toys: always childish and benign, and sometimes a little shoddy, random, or mass produced. At worst she said things that were stupid or off topic.

Yang arrived just in time to hear Ruby hiss, through clenched teeth, "what right do you have to cry?"

Weiss didn't react at first. Then she raised her head from the steering wheel, and mumbled, "What does that mean?"

"You don't think your mother would like what you've become? What about mine? What about all the things I have to do because of you? You made the decision to be a heartless monster and you dragged me along with you. I kill other human beings because of you."

"I never asked you to–,"

"Asked? Do you ask me anything? I'm always guessing what you want, and even when you try to tell me it's either roundabout and hard to understand or a straight up demand. I have to fight White Fang because I know it's what you want, and you wouldn't like me if I don't do exactly what you want. Everything always has to be your way, Princess. You're just a spoiled little–,"

Yang flung Ruby's door open and dragged her out of the car by the armpit. "You've said enough, Ruby. You've said more than enough."

Ruby didn't pout like a child like Yang had expected her to. She glared. Cruel and harsh. Yang wasn't even sure this creature she had a hold of was her sister. Ruby pulled her arm away and went into the side panel door and slid it shut as hard as she could. Van doors never the same effect as car doors. She flung herself into the farthest back row. Blake came back a few minutes later, sat in the back beside her, and didn't say or ask anything about what was happening.

Ruby didn't want to sit by Weiss, and Blake didn't want to sit by Yang. So Yang was in the passenger seat beside a half sad and half angry Weiss who wouldn't give up the wheel. Weiss drove, her eyelids puffed and red against her pale skin.

A new silence filled the van. A thick, viscous ooze that boiled under the blazing sun. Blake and Ruby soon fell asleep, probably more from the stifling heat and lack of oxygen than any sort of peace.

Yang started quietly. "I'm sure Ruby didn't mean it when–,"

"You and I both know Ruby doesn't say things she doesn't mean. Ever," Weiss said.

"What even happened?"

Weiss took a deep breath. "Well, I asked if she ever thought about Roman, and in a roundabout way asked if she would want to kill him. She said no, because that wouldn't be what your mom would have wanted. Said she wouldn't want her mother to think she was a monster. Then I thought about my mother, started crying, and then you caught the rest, right?"

Yang nodded.

"Ruby thinks I'm heartless."

They didn't say anything for a few minutes. Instead they settled into the nasty ooze of silence. It seeped into their lungs and coated their tongues. It was sort of like floating, but with a pressure that kept them from ever being comfortable. There would always be twist in their clothes, a crawl on their skin, or an itch somewhere deep inside.

"Blake thinks I'm a bimbo."

"You are a bimbo," Weiss said with no hesitation. Then she exhaled like she was blowing a bubble into the fluid silence. "Of course you are. See, God only gives a person so much. He gives some people, like moi, more than others but you still only get so much."

"Like moi," Yang said in a high pitch imitation. "If you were any more stuck up you could be a satellite."

"Shut your mouth, you cretin. Listen, God put too much here," Weiss said. She pointed at Yang's breasts, then raised her fingertip to her heart. "A little bit there, and basically nothing up there." She finished by waving a hand around Yang's head.

Yang let out the sort of snort bulls do before they charge.

"Yes. That's how it is. That's why I've got all the brains and talent and looks, but no breasts and a fucking charcoal briquette for a heart. God isn't as generous as people think he is."

"You've never struck me as the religious type."

"I don't think I am, but I am like a thirtieth generation WASP. Comes with being from a rich family. I probably had an ancestor there when Martin Luther nailed the ninety five theses to the church door in Wittenberg. My family actually is from around there. I'm sort of just immersed in that vernacular, you know what I mean?"

"This conversation is about me being stupid. You think I actually know what any of that meant?"

Weiss shrugged. "So yeah. You're dumb, so is Ruby, I'm a monster, and Blake is– pretentious, if I had to give her a fault. When you're pretentious everyone else seems dumb."

"No, she's a coward." She looked at Blake and Ruby in the rear-view mirror. Both slept restlessly. "I don't mean that. She's alright, never call my sister stupid again, and you're not a monster. I'll tell you what, this Ruby thing isn't really about you. The fight with White Fang has been tough on her. I know she seems like the burly lumberjack type but she's a sensitive girl, really, and there's still a bunch of things you don't know about her. It's really easy to assume that everything that happens in a relationship is about the relationship and because of the relationship, but that just isn't how it works. Crap. I am an idiot."

"Yes, you are. You won't get any debate on that from me."