AN: Don't own it. All character's belong to Grey's Anatomy.

She couldn't believe the irony. Another half-sister, who worked in the very hospital she did. Maggie Pierce, the new head of cardio, was her sister. Meredith couldn't wrap her mind around it. She had so many unanswered questions. Her mother had another daughter one that was like some prodigy. When Meredith was thirty-one, she had just started her surgical internship. When Maggie was thirty one, she was an established attending cardiothoracic surgeon and a department head. Meredith couldn't help but feel bitter about that. She wished she had someone to confide in but her stupid husband was in DC, and at the moment, not speaking to her. Her best friend was in Switzerland becoming a medical pioneer. Meredith was stuck. Everyone around her was moving on. Alex took a job in a private practice, Cristina was making biosynthetic hearts, and Derek was pioneering a brain mapping project at the National Institute of Health. She was trying to stay afloat in her research, surgeries, and taking care of Zola and Bailey.

Since Derek reneged on his deal, full parental responsibility had fallen on Meredith's shoulders. It wasn't fair. As much as she loved her children, she still had her own life too. Seriously, she couldn't catch a break. Suddenly, her phone rang interrupting her thoughts, "Hey," Derek greeted surprising her. "Oh," she paused typing her notes and put the Ipad down, "Hi."

There was an awkward silence, "Uh," Derek began, "How are the kids?" He asked knowing that was a safe topic. "Good," Meredith said evenly, "They're at daycare right now, but I'm almost done with my shift."

"I miss them," Derek admitted breaking the silence, "You too," he added.

"I know," Meredith said quietly. She wasn't about to admit that she felt the same so she changed the subject, "I found out today, I have another half sister," she confessed. Derek didn't know what to say, "Excuse me?" he blurted, "Did I just hear you correctly?"

"Apparently, my mother and Richard have a daughter. She's also our new head of cardiothoracics, Maggie Pierce."

Derek wished he could do more than just talk to her, she knew she was struggling with this information. "I can get a flight out," Derek offered suddenly. Screw the meetings, he knew Meredith better than she knew herself and this bomb was going to detonate. It was only a matter of time. "Mer," he said forcefully, "I can come home, you can talk to me. We can figure this out."

"Derek, you have meetings and important research," she said, "I don't need you to coddle me. I've done this before," she added, "with Lexie."

"But that was different," Derek countered, "Do you remember how long it took you to like her?" He reminded her, "She was your sister."

Meredith didn't like to admit it, but she still found Lexie's death hard. "I know she was my sister," Meredith spat as her voice rose, "I loved Lexie."

"Mer, I know you did," Derek said mentally kicking himself for saying the wrong thing. "But Cristina isn't there to help you process this."

"I also know that too," Meredith added, "Although she's going to get an earful when I talk to her. She may have unknowingly hired my half-sister but I'm going to make sure the next time I see her, she knows I'm going to kick her ass."

Derek chuckled, "Make sure I'm home when you have that conversation."

"Derek, you don't have to jump on a plane," she said knowing that he would do that for in an instant. "I'm not going to go all dark and twisty," she sighed, "I entertained the idea of picking up a bottle of tequila on the way home, but nixed it when I remembered how much toddlers and hangovers don't mix." She grimaced thinking about the night she and Cristina went to Joes the day before her plane left. "That was a miserable experience that I don't care to relive."

Derek laughed, "Don't worry, I won't hop on a plane and come to your rescue, but Mer, you will have to talk about it."

"I made an appointment with Dr. Wyatt," Meredith said, "She helped before, I'm pretty sure she can again. I mean she knows basically everything anyway." She said alluding to her sessions years ago about Derek and her mother. "I also asked Richard, well Patricia," she amended, "for my mother's diaries back. I'm thinking they hold some answers that I really need. Cristina said they were kind of kinky, but I'll just skip those parts." Thinking about Ellis and Richard doing it in the on-call rooms made her want to vomit. "That sounds like a good plan," Derek said distracted, "But listen, I have to go. I'll call you before the kids go to bed."

"Alright," Meredith said before he hung up. Her pager started vibrating, "Crap," she swore, "Daycare." She rushed to the stairwell, and opened the door to the second floor walking directly to the daycare. She saw Bailey screaming his head off, as one of the teachers tried to calm him down. "I'm sorry, Dr. Grey," she said as soon as she saw Meredith, "He has been like this for a few hours. His temp is up to 99." Meredith took her son from the woman's arms and he instantly calmed down. "Not feeling too good, Bay," she said soothingly as she shifted him in her arms. "Mama!" Zola said spying her mother from the block section, "Bailey don't feel good."

"Yeah, I know, Zo," Meredith said, "Go get your stuff, okay? We're going home early."

Zola's face lit up, "Really?" she smiled, "Because you said later."

Meredith nodded, "Yeah, Zo. I don't have anymore surgeries. Just a bunch of paper work, which I can do at home."

Zola beamed at her mother and rushed off to collect her things, "Thanks for paging," Meredith added looking at Bailey who was snuggled into her chest. "Mama," Zola said rushing to her mother, "I'm all set." She handed Meredith Bailey's bag, "We can go now."

"Alright, Zo," Meredith chuckled, "Lead the way."

Zola nodded and skipped out of daycare and toward the elevator. "Dr. Grey!" Dr. Wilson called carrying a giant brown box, "Hunt's secretary, Patricia, wanted me to give this to you."

"Thanks Wilson, but I kind of don't have a free hand," Meredith said gesturing to Zola and Bailey, "But could you do me a huge favor?"

Jo nodded. "Can you bring them to my car?"

"Yeah, no problem," Jo said as the elevator doors opened, "If you don't mind me asking," she began, "What's in here?"

"Oh," Meredith shrugged, "My mother's old diaries."

Jo nodded, "You're mother was Ellis Grey, right?" Everyone knew, who Ellis Grey was.

"Learn about her in med school, Wilson?" Meredith said smiling.

"She's a two time Harper-Avery winner," Jo said wide-eyed, "She came up with the Grey method."

"I know," Meredith said amused at her former interns excitement, "I was there at both award dinner's in Boston."

"You've been to a Harper-Avery dinner?" Jo asked excitedly as they walked through the hospital lobby, "I mean that's amazing," Jo gushed enviously.

"Yeah, I was little both times and don't really remember what it was like," Meredith lied. She remembered everything. She remembered the stuffy blue gown her mother forced her to wear. She remembered the speech she gave her about being seen and not heard. She remembered her mother's warnings when they got out of the limo. She remembered how her mother relished in all the attention and completely forgot that Meredith was even in the room. Ellis almost left her at the hotel, only to double back. Meredith remembered everything.

"It still must have been an experience," Jo said as she got the box into the trunk of Meredith's Mercedes. "Thanks, Wilson," Meredith said as she buckled Zola into her carseat, "I really appreciate it." Jo smiled, "Anytime, Dr. Grey."

Meredith usually didn't mind the drive to her house, even though, it was basically in the middle of nowhere. She liked the quiet, the distance from the city was nice. But tonight, it seemed endless, she had to pull over three times to quiet Bailey who was wailing in the back seat. Zola was frustrated by her brother's cries and yelled at her mother to make him stop. Meredith had never felt so useless.

Finally, they pulled up to the house and Meredith promptly forgot about the box in the back. She had one thing in her head, which was trying to get Bailey to relax. "Mama," Zola began as they walked into the empty house, "I go get Bay the medicine." Meredith nodded, "Okay, it's on the sink Zo." Zo ran upstairs throwing her coat and backpack in the living room. Meredith paced around the living room, trying to soothe her toddler when Zola came back with the purple liquid. Zola handed it to her mother, and made a face, "That's yucky," she said as Meredith filled the pipet, "Yeah but Zo, it will make him stop screaming."

"Good," Zola exclaimed as she watched her brother drink down the tylenol. Meredith sat down on the couch, and Bailey snuggled into her chest. Zola curled up next to her on the couch, "Movie, Mama," she said pointing to the television, "Alright, Zo," Meredith said finding the remote, "Your pick."

"Cinderella," Zola said looking at Meredith who was scrolling through the on-demand menu. She clicked on Cinderella, "Why do you like this so much Zo?" Meredith asked as she played with Zola's pigtails. "Dada said you're princess," Zola said not taking her eyes off the screen. Meredith smiled. Of course he would say that, she thought, Derek was her knight and shining whatever even if they were fighting.

It was late, when she finally got both kids to bed. She wanted nothing more than to curl up on the couch and watch mindless television when she remembered the box in the back of her trunk. She wasn't sure if she really wanted those answers but she needed them. She quietly went outside and opened her trunk. The box was sitting there, waiting for her. She couldn't help but shiver, this was like pandora's box, and she was releasing a bunch of bad things from her past. She grabbed it and hoisted it out of the car. She put it under her arm and shut the trunk with her free hand. She slowly walked into the house concentrating on her steps… anything to take her mind off the information she was about to uncover.

She plopped the box on the coffee table and stared at it. She was having a total crisis of conscious. She couldn't bring herself to do this sober. Thankfully, she didn't have work tomorrow, she thought, as she opened the stove where she hid a full bottle of Jose. Some habits didn't die, she thought as she poured herself a glass and swallowed. The alcohol burned her throat and she grimace. Apparently, her constitution for straight tequila wasn't like it was before. She poured herself another glass and walked over to the couch. She sat down and gently lifted the lid of the box. There had to be at least sixty journals in here, Meredith thought looking at the small notebooks. She read some of them before giving them to Richard, but couldn't bring herself to read all off them. "Damn you, Ellis," she swore as she picked up a small black book and began to read.

Ellis Grey, Meredith thought, had terrible handwriting. She was getting a headache trying to decipher it and she knew the tequila wasn't helping. She skimmed through two journals, looking at dates and trying to piece together when Maggie could have been conceived. It had to have been before Ellis left Thatcher. Meredith suddenly remembered the horses. She must have just turned five and her mother brought her to the park with the carousel, she was fighting with someone. Meredith remembered her mother crying out in agony as the man left her. She remembered she was clutching her stomach. The memory came out of nowhere and shook her to the core.

"Hey, Mer," Amelia said entering the house, "Rough day?" She asked gently hanging her coat on the hook. "You could say that," Meredith slurred, "I mean let's review the facts. My mother is a whore who had an affair with Richard Webber. She gave up my half-sister for adoption, which coincidently, I don't remember having a half sister. I don't remember my mother being pregnant. I remember her slitting her wrists and me watching her bleed out, but I can't remember her being pregnant. I feel like a five year old, would remember if their mother was having a baby. But I seriously can't remember." She finished looking at Amelia with glassy eyes. The alcohol was definitely in her bloodstream. She held up the black book, "These are supposed to give me answers. But I couldn't bring myself to read them sober."

"I can see that," Amelia said gently taking the half empty bottle away from Meredith. "I'm going to pour this out, okay?" She asked going over to the sink and emptying the clear liquid down the drain, "You're going to thank me in the morning." Meredith didn't answer she just stared at the wall, "And you know what the worse part is? I can't talk to anyone. Derek's in freaking DC miles away changing lives with his brain mapping project. Cristina is in freaking Switzerland. Those are my people, Amelia, and they're not here."

"Meredith," Amelia said gently, "I'm here. If you want to find some answers I'll help you find them," she offered, "Hand me a book."

Meredith looked at Amelia, "I didn't even let Derek read these," she said, "But since you're here offering," she paused and handed her a journal. "If you find anything dated 1983-84, let me know. That's when this would have all happened."

Amelia smiled, "Alright," she said and began to read. "You're mother has terrible handwriting," she said squinting. "It's worse if you've had a few drinks," Meredith retorted. "I bet a half-bottle of tequila would do that to you." Meredith chuckled, "Yeah, definitely."

Meredith squinted at the date on the page, July 18, 1983. Shit, that was the day after her birthday.

For a surgeon, I should have seen the signs. After all, I've done this before. I know it's not Thatchers because we haven't been intimate in a long time. Richard said he's going to leave Adele. I told him I was going to leave Thatcher. I can't stay married anymore. I don't love Thatch, and really the only reason we're together is because of Meredith. Meredith will get over it, eventually, I think she'll like Boston. It doesn't rain as much in Seattle.

I took the fellowship, at Mass Gen and Richard's going to see if he can get his transfered from New York Presbyterian to Boston. The only thing standing between us, is our marriages, and mine's been over for a long time. Richard was excited when I told him, he was giddy. I hate to admit it, but I am too.

Meredith stopped reading, and looked up at Amelia. "I found it," she whispered, "I think I'm going upstairs," she said putting the journal on the coffee table and stood up. The room started spinning, and Amelia caught her, "It's okay, Mer, I got you," she said leading her upstairs. "For one of Derek's sisters," Meredith whispered, as Amelia got her into bed, "You're my favorite."

Amelia laughed as she shut the door behind her, leaving Meredith alone with her thoughts. Meredith tried to close her eyes, but picked up her cellphone and called Derek. "Hello," he answered sleepily. "I read my mother's journals," Meredith said without preamble. She giggled, "She was pregnant on my fifth birthday," Meredith said, "She must have just found out too. She said Richard was going to leave Adele. She said he was excited about the pregnancy. My mother used the word giddy it describe him," Meredith babbled. "Mer," Derek said more alert, "Are you drunk?"

"Do you really think I could have read those journals sober?" she snapped, "My mother described surgeries and sexual positions in detail," she said shaking her head. "I mean, that's just disturbing on so many levels."

"I should have gotten on a plane," He said sleepily. "Derek," Meredith said evenly, "I'm fine. Your sisters home. The kids are sound asleep and I'm okay."

"Fine fine or Meredith fine?" Derek said knowing the difference between the two. "Derek," she said warningly. "I'm not about to drown myself or anything," she snapped, "This totally sucks but I need these answers. What kind of kid forgets something this important?"

"Mer, you were dealing with a lot of other stuff," Derek said wishing he was next to her. "New city, new people, and your mother's suicide attempt."

"She didn't try and kill herself," Meredith sighed, "She only did it because she wanted Richard back."

"How do you know that, Mer?" He countered, "For sure?"

"Well, I'll tell you when I get to that part in her journals," she said yawning.

"Meredith, go to sleep," Derek said exhausted.

"I never sleep well, when you're not next to me," she said softly admitting one of her vulnerabilities. Derek smiled, "Me either," he confessed, "But I'll be home tomorrow morning. I'm going to book a flight now."

"Okay," Meredith said yawning, "See you tomorrow. Love you."

"Love you too, Meredith," he said evenly, "Even though your frustrating and stubborn."

"It's one of my many charms," Meredith quipped hanging up. Somehow, she was eventually able to fall asleep.

Ouch, Meredith thought, as she woke up with a splitting headache. Derek better find a cure for hangovers, she mused getting out of bed. She put her slippers on and walked downstairs to find Amelia feeding Zola waffles. "Mama," Zola said as her mother walked into the kitchen, "Auntie Melia made breakfast."

"I can see that," Meredith said making a beeline for the fridge. She seriously needed juice or something. "There's some advil on the counter," Amelia said as she went over to clean Bailey's face. Meredith shut the fridge and opened her gatorade grabbing the two pills off the countertop, "Thanks," she said looking at Amelia. "You know for…" She trailed off. "We're sisters," Amelia said picking Bailey up, "That's what we do." She shifted Bailey onto her hip, "I made extra. I figured you'd be starving. I'm going to throw him in the bath, because he decided that syrup is better if you pour it on yourself."

Meredith laughed, "Of course he did."

"It was funny, Mama," Zola added picking at her waffle. "I bet," Meredith said swinging the counter chair toward Zola, "What should we do today, Zo?"

"Mama, work?" Zola asked tilting her head, "Not today, Zo," Meredith said taking a forkful of waffled and dipping it in syrup. "What about the aquarium?"

"Bay like Nemo," Zola said shaking her head, "I like dolphins."

"Okay," Meredith said taking a bite, "Aquarium it is."

"I like the Aquarium too, Zo," Derek said opening the door. "Dada!" Zola cried, "You come too?"

"I thought you weren't coming back until tomorrow?" Meredith said surprised. "You don't remember our three am conversation?" Derek said putting his briefcase on the floor. Meredith shook her head no. "Well, you were a little out of it," he said placing a kiss on Zola's head. "You're sister made waffles," Meredith added, "Extra ones too." Derek nodded and made himself a plate and sat down next to Meredith, "Totally beats airplane food," he said taking a bite. Meredith nodded, "Of course."

"Where's Bailey?" Derek asked looking at Meredith.

"Bay syrup monster," Zola interjected, "Auntie Melia giving him a bath."

"Thanks, Zo," Derek said laughing, "Did you have fun with Auntie Amelia this morning?"

"Yup," Zola said shaking her head, "All done, Mama."

"I just have to get you a towel okay, you're all sticky," Meredith said going over to the sink. "I'm not as bad as Bay," Zola said as her mother cleaned her face and hands. "No," she said laughing, "Definitely not," she said getting her out of her seat. "Dada, up," Zola said holding her hands out for Derek. Meredith placed Zola in his arms and went back to her breakfast, "She's a total Daddy's girl," she said taking a sip of her coffee. "Well, I missed you Zo," Derek said as Zola put her tiny arms around his neck. "You too, Zo," Derek said as she put her head on her shoulder.

"Dada!" Bailey cried squirming in his aunt's arms, reaching out for Derek. "Sorry, bud, I've got my hands full, it's your sister's turn," Derek said as Zola wrapped her hands tightly around him. Meredith shook her head, and took Bailey out of Amelia's arms, "Mama," Bailey cooed as he snuggled into Meredith's chest. "I see you're feeling better, bud," she said kissing his forehead. "He had a slight fever yesterday," Meredith added. "I had to get them early from daycare."

"Well, he's all set," Amelia said giving him a tickle, "He got me good in the bath." She walked over to her coat, "I've still got your surgeries right?" Amelia asked, "Because you weren't supposed to be here until tomorrow."

"Yes, Amy," Derek said, "You've still got my surgeries."

Amelia grinned, "Awesome, thanks big brother," she said as she left.

"I've never seen anyone more excited for surgery than your sister has been," Meredith said, "Seriously, she's in the OR all the time."

"She loves it," Derek added, "I mean, really loves it. I've never seen Amelia happier."

"It's good," Meredith said shifting Bailey onto her hip, "She's such a good aunt too. I mean they love her and she makes us waffles."

"The way to your heart, Mer, is through your bottomless stomach," Derek joked taking a sip of coffee. "I don't think we've ever done this," Meredith said, "Eat breakfast together, or had the whole day to just be like a regular family."

"We are a regular family," Derek said, "Except for the fact we save lives on a regular basis."

"Derek our schedules are ridiculous," Meredith sighed. "When was the last time you and I had the day off and spent it with both our kids?"

Derek thought for a moment, "I don't know."

"Exactly, which is why we're all going to the aquarium today," Meredith said evenly, "We're going to do the family thing if it freaking kills me."

Derek chuckled, "I like the mommy-mer, it's cute."

"I'm still mad at you, Derek," Meredith said, "Our fights on pause, remember? So try not to piss me off." Derek nodded, "I won't," he grinned. "At least I'll try not to."

"Good luck, with that Derek," she said rolling her eyes.

Meredith had to admit the day was a very successful. Zola loved the aquarium and Bailey went crazy over the clownfish. Derek was doing the doting dad thing and it made Meredith smile. She couldn't have asked for a better day, she just wished they could have more days like this together as a family. Meredith didn't think about her dead mommy issues because when she was around her family none of it mattered. "Today was good day," Derek said slinging his arm around Meredith's shoulders after they got the kids to sleep. "Yeah," Meredith said putting her head on his chest, "It really was," she mused, "Bailey's reaction to the fish was priceless. I'm glad you were smart enough to film it."

Derek laughed, "Yeah, that was hilarious," he mused playing with her blonde hair. "Honestly, as much as I loved today it makes it that much harder to go to work tomorrow."

Meredith sighed, "I know the feeling," she admitted. "What are we doing?" she asked softly, "I mean you're still commuting. I'm still basically a single parent and working 80 hours a week. Derek, something has to give. I can't keep this up."

"I've been thinking about that," Derek said evenly. "I spoke with Ray and they agreed to let me do the research here. No more commuting, but I have to make a trip once a month."

Meredith pulled away and looked up at him, "Seriously?" she said smiling, "Derek Shepherd you just made me the happiest…" She didn't get to finish her sentence because his lips crashed onto hers. She swung her leg over his lap, and ran her fingers through his hair. She missed this intimacy, this closeness. She opened her mouth and let their tongues battle for dominance. He pulled away and gently kissed her neck, "Derek," she moaned as he found the spot that drove her crazy, "Don't start something you can't finish," she teased. He grinned, "I could say the same for you, Mer," as he kissed her passionately. They let their bodies do the talking.

"God," Meredith panted, "Best make-up sex ever," she said pulling a blanket over herself. "I mean like seriously, mind blowing make up sex." Derek nodded, "Definitely, we needed that."

"Thank god the kids are sleeping and can sleep through your screaming." Meredith hit his bare chest playfully, "I wasn't that loud."

"Mer, you're lucky we don't have neighbors," Derek said evenly. Meredith looked at the box, sitting on the table taunting her. "I should probably read those," she said miserably. "Well," Derek began, "I'm here too."

"We're out of tequila and I don't think I can do this sober," she confessed pulling her jeans on and slid his t-shirt over her head, "You should put your boxers on," she said throwing them at him, "You're sister could be home any minute," she added. He shook his head, "It would be karma from the time I caught her and her high school boyfriend," Derek said laughing pulling his boxers on. "That was horrible. I can never unsee that."

Meredith laughed, "I can imagine."

"You wouldn't want to," he said opening the box. "Here," he said handing her the one on top. "What am I supposed to be looking for?" He asked thumbing through one of Ellis' notebooks.

"Any entry that's dated 83-84," Meredith said as she began to read. "You can skim through the sex parts," Meredith said, "I almost vomited reading one entry."

"Yeah, the idea that Richard and you're mother were…"

"You don't have to finish that sentence," she said pointedly, "Let's just read."

They spent twenty minutes thumbing through the journals when Meredith found an entry dated August 12, 1983. She knew that date. She knew it well, it was one she had repressed for years.

Meredith, if you are reading this I am dead. You did what I told you to do. I didn't want you to call the police, well, maybe there was a part of me that did. I wanted to hurt Richard. He didn't leave Adele like he told me he would. Liar. I can't do this anymore. My heart feels like its breaking which I know is completely impossible but nonetheless excruciatingly painful. Thatcher will come back for you, Meredith. He loves you.

I'm sorry, Meredith, I wish I were a stronger person. I can't stand to look at a living reminder of Richard everyday. I don't want you to hate me although, I'm sure you already do. I'm sure you know by now, that I'm cold. I'm a surgeon, a woman in a male dominated profession. I wish I wanted simple. To be one of those housewife types, but you know by now that I'm not. I can't cook. I forget dates. I've missed almost every milestone in your life because I've been working. I'm sorry, I never made it home for halloween last year to take you trick-or-treating.

Meredith, I want more for you. I want you to be extraordinary. I'm not talking about become a surgeon or being a medical pioneer. That's the path I choose. It doesn't have to be yours… I hope one day, you fall in love and it consumes you. It gives you a purpose for living, because being alone, is depressing. I'm alone now and I didn't choose this.

I don't want you to end up like me, Meredith. I want you to have it all. If you can have it all, a career, kids and the love of your life then you won't be alone. It's the lonliness that's overwhelming, Meredith, because being alone is okay. We're alone all the time, if you really think about it. We're born alone, we spend our lives filling them with relationships only to be burned… badly.

I'm not going to lie, Meredith, I've failed as your mother and for that I'm incredibly sorry. I do love you, Meredith. I love you so much, even if it doesn't translate as love. I'm not good at displaying emotion. But I do know emotion. I know I love you as much as I'm capable of loving you.

And I am sorry for leaving you alone.

Meredith was silent, as she grappled with what she just read. She read her mother's suicide note to her. "Mer," Derek said gently noticing the tears in Meredith's eyes, "Are you okay?"

"No," Meredith whispered, "Not even a little bit." She handed Derek the journal and walked over to the fridge. She opened a bottle of wine and poured herself a glass. She took a gulp and stared at blankly at the label. Her mind was full of static and she felt numb. She was lost in her mind until she felt Derek's arms around her, "I'm sorry," he whispered holding onto her as she sobbed into his chest. She clung to him as if he were an anchor, because without his warm arms around her, she might float away.

"Meredith," he said softly, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," she cried softly, "I don't want to talk about my mother. I don't want to talk about her suicide attempt because I lived it Derek. She slit her wrists with a scalpel, in front of me, when I was five years old. That's a year older than Zola," she said looking at him, "I don't care how much pain she was in. What kind of person does that?"

Derek rubbed her back as she cried harder, "I don't know, Meredith."

"I do," Meredith mumbled, "A coward. She didn't want me, she basically said I was an accident the only thing holding my parents marriage together. She didn't want kids, Derek. I was a burden to her."

"Meredith," Derek said gently, "She loved you. She loved you as much as she was capable of loving someone," Derek added speaking the words her mother had written in her terrible handwriting. "She didn't love me enough if she wanted to kill herself. Wasn't I enough?" She asked wiping away a stray tear, "I mean wasn't I enough?"

"Meredith Grey," Derek said getting her attention, "You are more than enough."

Meredith held onto him as he lifted her into his arms and walked upstairs into their bedroom. He gingerly put her into bed and curled up next to her. "Mer," he said soothingly, "You're more than enough." Meredith curled into him, "I wish I was," she yawned closing her eyes.

Meredith refused to go to get up the next morning. She was almost catatonic. Derek even resorted to having Bailey and Zola wake their mother up. It didn't work, Meredith just hugged them and told them to go downstairs. Derek was at a loss as to what to do. "Amelia," Derek said seeing his sister on the stairs, "Take my surgeries okay?" Amelia grinned, "Playing hookey?" she teased.

"No, Meredith and I were reading her mother's diaries…"

"Oh," Amelia said, "Want me to take the kids to daycare?"

"Do you mind?" Derek asked knowing that his kids would be better off with their friends for the day. "Not a problem, Derek," Amelia said looking at her brother, "I completely understand. She let me read some of that and I totally get it. Her mother was something else, huh?"

Derek nodded,"Thanks, Amelia," Derek before going back into their bedroom.

Meredith was facing away from him and staring at the wall. "Mer," Derek said slipping under the covers, "Talk to me."

"No," Meredith protested, "I can't talk. I don't have anything to say. Ellis Grey was a whore. She was a selfish vindictive bitch."

"I'm not disagreeing with you there," Derek said softly.

"Oh, she's also a liar. My dad didn't even know where we were. Why would he have come back for me?"

"You don't know that he wouldn't have, Meredith."

"Derek, he had years to find me and he never did. He didn't want me either. I was just some inconvenience," Meredith seethed with anger in her eyes. "The two people who are supposed to love you unconditionally should have aborted me."

"Meredith," Derek said, "I strongly disagree." Meredith softened, "Maybe I'm looking at this differently than I would have six years ago. I'm a mother now and I can't imagine not being their for Zola and Bailey. I feel guilty when I have to drop them off at the daycare center. I would give up surgeries for them. I would give up being a surgeon to be there for them," Meredith confessed. "The medicine used to define who I was, Derek. I was good at it. I excelled at it. I didn't realize I was filling a void until I met you and my entire perception changed. You wanted a more from me, which totally freaked me out. You have this amazing family and support system. I never had that… I didn't think I was good enough to have that too," Meredith finished turning around to face Derek who looked at her carefully, "Meredith, you deserve all that and more. It just took you a while to realize that," he said cupping her face, "I'm serious. The fact that you would give up your career to be a mother says how different you are from Ellis. You know as well as I do, that you can't fight genetics, but you can choose your family."

Meredith fought back the tears that were pooling in her eyes. "You really think I'm better than her?"

"Definitely," Derek said seriously, "You are an incredible mother," He said gently kissing her lips. "Plus look at us, we're actually communicating," Derek smiled, "You didn't close yourself off."

"Trust me," Meredith sighed, "I thought about it. Tequila and sex. My former coping mechanisms," Meredith said thinking of the past. "But I'm not in my twenties anymore so those don't really work."

"I could help you with the sex part," Derek offered grinning, "Besides when was the last time we spent the whole day in bed together?"

Meredith smiled, "Years," she said kissing him.

Epilogue

"Meredith," Derek said looking at his wife in the backyard trying to light a fire in their fire pit, "What are you doing?"

"Getting rid of the ghost of Ellis Grey," Meredith said pointing to the box, "What to help?" She asked as the wood caught on fire. Derek nodded, "Be careful, Mer," he said as she put another log in the flame. "I'm fine Derek," Meredith said evenly. "I'm not going to hurt myself."

"Do you remember the last time you tired to light a fire?" Derek asked looking at his wife who was currently opening the box of journals. "Okay fine," she said looking up at him, "I remember and it was an accident. Just help me dump this on the flames," she said grabbing the box. "It's really heavy," she added as they picked it up and poured the little black books onto the fire pit. They stood back and watched as the orange flames engulfed the past. "Bye, Mom," Meredith whispered watching the books slowly burn to ashes.