Star Warz

Episode [skull]:

Dark Revelations

Yes! It's true! We are back and bigger than ever! You thought it was all over with the last trilogy, eh? Well wrong, bro! Prepare to face things that will leave you satisfied yet insane since your puny minds can't handle the intense action and story. You hear me!? You will beg for mercy and then some from our mighty.. (Some whispers in background) Huh? Oh, right. Sorry about that, I got a little carried away.

Anyways, two years have past since the last of the fan boys were thwarted on Oceania. In that time, the Jedi have captured the spirit of Will and put it in a clone body that looked like his old self, and the great Sergeant Chris was promoted to general. Ever since then, the galaxy was at peace. Until... (Drum roll)

The galaxy was attacked by the Hellish Frowns, a terrorist organization/kick-a** space fleet that have matching black uniforms and ships. As they made wide-spread strikes across many planets, the fleet eventually reached Coruscant, where a massive space battle/land assault took place. As the Jedi fight against the large enemy force, they will soon face a most enigmatic and unexpected enemy, who will change their destinies for something more actiony...

(Turn to Coruscant, where the sky is filled with hundreds of ominous black fighters. There are many explosions in space as they fight Republic forces. Meanwhile on the surface, many buildings are on fire as lasers and explosions occur. Some black ships are being chased by the Century Sparrow.)

Squishy: I've got them in my sights. Anna, load the ferret-ordnance!

Anna: I still think this is a little silly. (Loads ordnance)

Squishy: Jared, fire the cannon!

Jared: Aye-aye!

(Ferrets are fired at the ships which then go off in explosions of cuteness)

All: Yeah!

(Turn to walkways in the mid-city. More of the Jedi are running from a group of black-clad soldiers)

Joseph: *Pant Pant* These guys are persistent.

(There are some explosions. An oddly-shaped ship flies over them)

Sara: It's one of their dropships!

Joseph: Copeland, take care of it!

Copeland: Gotcha!

(He raises a rocket launcher and takes out the ship so it crashes behind them and destroys the walkway. Some of the chasers leap over the hole and resume chase)

Copeland: That was our last rocket.

Joseph: Guess we make our stand here!

(They stop and fight the soldiers who show amazing speed, yet soon succumb to the lightsabers. The group moves on)

Joseph: Squishy, we need pickup. These guys are everywhere!

Squishy: Hold on. We're just taking out some more stragglers.

Joseph: Roger. (Turns off comm) Let's find some cover.

(They rush into a nearby lobby. Suddenly a wall inside explodes inwards and there are two black mini-walkers with guns ablazing. The Jedi duck behind a large concrete hedge)

Copeland: Blast! They found us too soon!

Joseph: Let's wait until they lessen the fire then rush them.

(Back to the walkers, where a robed figure lands atop one walker and kills the pilot. Then he cuts off the legs of the other one so that it falls and explodes. The other Jedi come out)

Sara: It's about time you showed up, Will.

Will: Yeah, sorry for the wait. I had a convoy to stop.

Joseph: Well better late than never. We've got pickup coming so lets move out.

(They run outside and notice the chaos as they move)

Copeland: More dropships are coming down and the sky hasn't cleared a bit. We need to leave now!

Joseph: Okay. (Into comm)Squishy, we have Will and need evac right away.

Squishy: Hold your horses a little longer! I'm taking some fire here!

Will: Fine, just stay alive until we get off the planet!

(As they run they notice a Republic ship being gunned by Frown ships, then it soon falls and crashes into a nearby building)

Will: Our guys are getting slaughtered! Where's Chris!?

Sara: When the attack started he said he was rallying reinforcements.

Copeland: Well he's doing a very crappy job of it: there's very few of us out there!

(As they near a larger walkway black hover cars with turrets arrive and park in front of the Jedi and Frowns take up positions around them)

Joseph: Ah nuts!

(As the Frowns take aim, the Sparrow suddenly plows through the group and stops where they were. A hatch opens and Anna steps out)

Anna: Get in!

Will: I've got to admit: Squishy can make an entrance.

(They get in and the Sparrow takes to the air. In the control room...)

Copeland: What's our status?

Jared: Reports keep coming in on Republic casualties; they're dropping like flies. Strangely enough, there seems to be a large movement of Frowns leaving the planet.

Squishy: And the last group of fighters we faced peeled off for some reason. And the sky seems to be clearing up.

(Turn to outside where the Frown fleet is leaving as a large black ball slowly descends from above)

Sara: Hey, what's that?

(All of the Jedi rush to the window and see the ball)

Anna: I don't know, but I think it's the reason they're bailing.

(The ball continues to descend and the sky is clear. The ball hovers over the city and then light starts shooting out of the middle and a voice is heard)

?: Live from Coruscant, put your hands together for our most esteemed, very hip and all-suavetastic leader!

(The ball's top half then rises up as steam and lights shoot out from it. The top half rises and reveals stage lights as a figure is revealed on the lower half. The figure strikes a pose, lights hit him and reveals him as..!)

All: CHRIS!?

Chris: That's right! I, your beloved general, am the suave mastermind of the ever brilliant Hellish Frowns! It was I who brought fear back into the galaxy the way they used to make it. Why, even this glorious betrayal impresses myself beyond comprehension, thus making me even MORE studly of an evil leader. Ha ha ha!

Copeland: (On speakers) I have no idea what you just said but I believe you owe us an explanation on what the heck is going on, along with a session to our recently-approved Whupping Sticks.

Chris: Those sticks were my mother's! Very well, if you won't listen to my fabulous announcement, then I will have to use another method of communication.

Will: Chris! What is it that you're doing!? Why are you-

Chris: A buh buh buh buh buh, no! You can say all that as you say hello my gigantic friend. (Snaps fingers)

(A falling noise is heard and suddenly a colossal metal dino-bot lands on top of some buildings and creates a huge shockwave that rocks the Sparrow)

Chris: Behold! The highly brilliant, highly original: Unoriginal Gear!

(Dino-bot lets out powerful roar)

Chris: Well have fun, and remember: (dons Vader mask) this is CNN.

(The ball closes up and zips off into space. The metal behemoth then takes out some surrounding buildings with its arms and tail as it heads straight for the Sparrow)

All: Eeeep.

Joseph: Uh, Squishy, I think you better-

Squishy: RIGHT-O!

(Squishy backs up the Sparrow and zooms for a nearby garage. Then the Jedi leave the garage and make a dramatic stand)

Copeland: All right! There is a huge piece of stolen ideas rampaging in the city that we must save (again!).

Squishy: I say we each take turns attacking it with dramatic entrances.

Will: I'm up for that.

Joseph: Then it's settled. Charge! (Lights lightsaber)

All: Yaaaaaaa! (Lights their lightsabers)

(They leap from the garage and take turns attacking the beast. Some dramatic entrances used include flying biplanes, swinging on ropes, and skydiving. Some end with silly results but all are ineffective. 3 hours later and after 1/4 of the planet is totally flat, the Jedi retreat to a tall building)

Will: It's no use. We've performed every single dramatic entrance from every media known to man.

Jared: And we haven't even put a dent in it. Face it: it's game over man! Game over!

Squishy: No it isn't! We've just been going about it the wrong way. We need to drastically change our approach.

Sara: (Gasp) You don't mean-

Squishy: Yes: we go Looney Tunes.

(Turn to Unoriginal Gear who is still destroying the city and eating hover cars. Turn to Joseph who is walking along in a blue messenger's uniform while holding a box)

Joseph: Oilgram! I've got an oilgram!

(He walks close to U.G., who stops rampaging to bend down to Joseph)

Joseph: A Mr. Unoriginal Gear, is it? Here's an oilgram for you.

(U.G. takes the tiny package and lifts it away. Then Joseph leaves while putting his fingers in his ears as the Looney Tunes theme plays until he's gone)

U.G.: Ooh, bop bee beep clag bop bing la toka berack (Ooh, I sure likes me some oil)

(He opens the tiny box, a small pie hits his chin, then he explodes in a catastrophic explosion that creates mass destruction visible from space. As the screen fades out, the end of the Looney Tunes theme plays out. Turn to a briefing room where medic personnel are rushing about and the Jedi are standing around thinking)

Jared: What just happened?

Squishy: I say Chris had just betrayed us and almost had us killed.

Joseph: How could this have happened? Why haven't we sensed this would happen?

Anna: His mind was always too whacked-out to read, though I couldn't imagine him doing something like this.

Will: To think: we had him on our side for one episode and this happens. That's not right.

(A tech walks over to them)

Copeland: What did you find?

Tech: Well, despite having a 3 hour head-start, the Frowns managed to leave a pretty good space trail for us to follow.

Joseph: Right then, let's go. (Readies to leave)

Sara: (Groan) Can't we rest a little while longer.

Joseph: We can rest while on the Sparrow, because there's payback to deliver.

(Turn to an orbit outside a crater/desert-like planet with several Republic ships and the Sparrow some distance away)

Will: Locke? Is that the planet's name?

Tech: Well, our databanks aren't very good at remembering the names of planets barely anyone knows.

Anna: Uh huh, and where's the fleet?

Tech: Well, there are traces of a fleet having been here, but all that's left is this stronghold on the planet.

(Brings up display)

Tech: Now it's basically an enlarged warehouse-like facility with many halls, stairs, large rooms and all sorts of things that make noise from the slightest step.

Copeland: And exactly why does any of that matter?

Tech: Well it seems the facility is chock full of soldiers, and our scanners show a database inside that may well point us in the direction of the fleet.

Sara: So what are we waiting for? Let's go down there and take that data.

Tech: Well the problem with that is this: (Brings up more data) The facility is surrounded with a type of sensor that also scans the the interior. If a person of unfit description enters that sensor field, the whole complex self-destructs instantly. The appropriate physical profiles that match the sensors are these.

(Takes out a digital reader and passes it around the Jedi)

Squishy: But there's no one with the proper physique to fit any of these, except...

(They all turn to Will. He nods solemnly)

Will: Okay. When do I start?

Tech: Right now.

(Then begins a segment entitled Metal Gear Stoked: The Twin Mooses. In it Will, dressed as Solid Snake and wearing a huge mullet, does MGS parodies while some credits play to MGS2 theme music. Some silliness include sneaking in lockers, cardboard boxes, bashing guards with their own exclamation marks, and when presented with 2 PS1 controller ports, he takes out the controller and strangles some guards with it. As the music nears its end, we see Will drop from a ventilation shaft, do a little dance and strike a pose when the song ends. He then turns on his Codec and we turn to Codec screen)

Will: This is Will. I'm near the database.

Joseph: Yes; we can see using the camera we stuck in your mullet. Now, rather than explain the different frequencies, I'll save that for if this segment becomes a series. Until then we'll use this frequency. (Hi Will!) (Shush!) Anyways, watch for any possible ambushes. If you need me just dial 8675.309. Good luck. (Turns off)

(Show Will slowly walking toward some stairs. Suddenly he looks up and notices someone falling from above yelling. Then the person lands on a pipe between his legs)

?: Ooooh... Mein baby maker...

(The person slides off and falls flat onto a catwalk. Then he gets up to reveal himself as Chris dressed as Revolver Ocelot and twirling an oddly shaped gun)

Will: (Putting hand to face) Ah jeez...

Chris: Yes! It is I: Mauser Moose! Terror of this factory and all-around slick shooter.

Will: What moose?

Chris: Mauser. You know: the gun in MGS3. Eva's weapon? Hold it on its side? Remember? (Will still looks confused) Okay fine. The point is I'm not letting you leave this place alive because I'll finish you with the Moose Method.

Will: Don't you mean the Ocelot method? Come on, dressed like that we all know you'll just repeat the battle from MGS1, but with a slightly different and non-advantageous gun.

Chris: That's true, but to even out the odds and for the sake of this segment's title, I have made me a clone I call Musket Moose. (Pan to another Chris in same clothing but with musket)

Musket: S'up.

Will: Ah you've got to be kidding me.

Chris: I'm afraid not. Now prepare to die the deaths for which no reasonable MGS1 player has died before: in a Moose (Will: Ocelot!) Battle! Ki-aaaaaaah!

Squishy: (On Codec) Alright, it's just a typical remake battle but you got one other person to look out for. If you need help just dial- (Chris shoots out Codec)

Chris: No chance, Lance! Ha ha!

(Now turn to overhead Ocelot-style battle with musket in the middle trying to get Will. As the fight goes on Mauser says different things to disorient Will)

Chris: "I enjoy the smell of a ruptured hemorrhoid. It makes me feel... Wait-" "The difference between a Mauser and a musket is that one makes for an awkward vibrator." "(Will: WTF?)?Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there, scrub scrub without pause. It's fine to wash another man in the wonderful land of Oz!"

(Eventually Mauser's health reaches zero and we see the two standing off)

Chris: You may have beaten me, but you haven't beaten Musket. Musket! Kill now!

(As Musket aims the world freezes and a slash appears across Musket's neck. Then his head comes off and the body falls over as we take notice of a small ball with arms, legs, a mask and holding a sword)

Will: Who the-?

Squishy: (Back-up Codec) Meta Knight!?

(While looking shocked and confused, Mauser raises up a Pokédex slowly and looks at the screen without changing his face)

Pokédex: Meta Knight: well-respected hero/villain from the Kirby universe. Is a skilled swordsman who can grow bat wings for added lift and quick escapes. Caution is advised.

Chris: Gah! How'd this thing get in my hand!? (Tosses away Pokédex)

Meta Knight: (Looks around) Oops... Wrong cameo.

(Grows wings and flies away. The other two go back to standing off)

Chris: You only won this round by freakish luck. But the next time won't be so lucky. Oh no, I've got something real special in store for you Jedi and this galaxy. (Pulls out small pellet and raises it in air) Soon everyone will face true terror. (Throws down pellet)

(A cloud of mist surrounds and covers Chris)

Chris: Wahh! My eyes! (Cough) (Cough) Gah, tear gas! I mixed up the capsules! (Violent cough, V.C.) D**n it! Ah! The searing pain! I can't breathe! (More coughing) Where're the escape stairs! Oh god the pure agony of it (Cough) all! Woahhhh! (Sound of him tumbling down stairs and crashing) D**n it! I'll get you Jedi! I'll get all of you b***ards! Ewww, my nose! The boogers! (Groan) Mommy, where are you Mommy? I need Lambchop! I want my blankie! (Coughs then sound of metal door opening and closing. The mist clears and there is no sign of Chris)

Joseph: Don't bother following him. Just get the data already!

Will: Gladly. But can I save first?

Joseph: No. Now go!

(Will proceeds to go up the stairs and into a room. Inside there is a huge console that he goes to, punches in some numbers and pulls out a disk. He sits down and contacts the team)

Will: I have the information. Mission accomplished.

Joseph: Excellent. Now get out of there so we can pick you up.

Will: Hold on. I need a rest. (Starts pulling off mullet)

Squishy: No Will, stop! Don't do it! You'll set off the-

(Shot of whole complex explodes. Back to Sparrow)

Sara: WIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLL! (Again)

(For a while they stand in stunned silence. Then...)

Jared: Hey, look!

(They look outside to see a little speck flying from the planet. It turns toward the Sparrow and starts glowing. Eventually Will smacks against the viewport and is stuck with his face all flat and silly looking)

Anna: Well, that's one way to make an exit.

Joseph: Get that fool in here so we can get on with things.

(Later on the Sparrow)

Sara: How could you do that to me, Will!? After what I put myself through after the first trilogy I didn't want it to happen again.

Will: Hey, I didn't know the mullet was needed for the profile!

Copeland: Well it was. Now hush, the both of you. The disc has been deciphered.

(They go to the briefing table)

Sara: Hey, where's that tech guy?

Joseph: Because he started 98% of his sentences with "Well," it proved to be very annoying so we sent him to a Speech Correctional Facility.

Sara: Ohhh.

Anna: Anyways, me and Jared did the deciphering. What we found was not the location of the Frown fleet, but something much more disturbing.

Will: A Richard Simmons video where he dances to "Numa Numa" in a bikini?

Jared: No, but sort of close. (Brings up display) On another poorly named planet which we dubbed Desertopia, Chris is personally building a special project entitled "Operation Big Fire".

Anna: It mainly involves finding a big enough hole to put in something called "Platform Gear". (Brings up pictures) Rather then use it for typical combat, Chris has put it under a "Special" category for which we don't know what it means. But knowing Chris, it will be weird and devastating.

Jared: Something I want to point out is that despite the time it took decipher this disc, it wasn't very well encrypted for information that's supposedly top-secret. It's as if Chris wanted us to get this info.

Copeland: Meaning it's a trap.

Joseph: Meaning that us, and only us, will go there to stop this project. Maybe we'll get to the bottom of whatever happened to Chris.

Jared: There may be no guarantee of that, but more importantly, we must stop Chris.

Will: I suggest we rest before heading out.

Joseph: Good idea. We rest for 7 hours, then it's off to face our destinies. (Again)

(They turn in for the night. The next day we see a barren planet with no vegetation anywhere and on the surface we see a very large crater. On a nearby ridge the Jedi observe it)

Copeland: Doesn't look good. The area around the perimeter is covered with sensors. But the binoculars point out one entrance at the base of the crater.

Joseph: Meaning there's some stairs around here. And what do you know?

(Turn to stair entrance right next to them. They go down the 20° stair slope for some time. Eventually they reach a short hall with an ancient door at the end)

?: WHO are you? (Jedi look around) DOWN here, morons. (They notice a small eye next to the door) WHAT business have you to defy such a sacred place?

Joseph: We need to go beyond this door.

Eye: NEVER! YOU shan't enter the sacred resting place of the spawn of the great Lavos. WHEN it first arrived, the people instantly knew they had to serve it, so they set up this great Absorption Hole for it and gave their lives to feed it. ALAS, the planet contained little life to absorb and the little one starved to death. YET another grand event will occur in the Hole, and I have been given strict orders not to let YOU in here.

Copeland: Is there anyway to persuade you to do so?

Eye: THERE is but one way: a number-guessing game used to determine the level of faith in the spawn's presence.

Sara: Alright, we're not afraid. What's the question?

Eye: OKAY: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 2000. WHAT is it? REMEMBER, if you guess wrong, I kill you.

Anna: Huhh!? How are we to-

Squishy: Let me handle this.

Will: Are you sure? I mean, those are some big odds.

Squishy: We just got past a little foreshadowing. I think I know where this is going. (He starts thinking, then to eye) Is it 1995?

Eye: HA! THAT'S in-. WAIT... NOOO! THAT'S correct! FORGIVE me masters, I have failed you!

(Eye explodes and door opens)

Copeland: Wow. How did you figure that?

Squishy: It was the year Chrono Trigger came out.

Jared: What does that have to do with any-

Squishy: You'll soon see. I know it.

(They go through door. They find themselves at the bottom of the crater near a very large structure that sorta looks like some warped, mega-sized step ladder)

Sara: What's that?

(They turn to look at a lone yellow bird pecking the ground nearby)

Joseph: Awww. It's a baby Chocobo. So cute!

(Then the baby notices them and gives out a call. Suddenly dozens of Chocobo adults fly into view and group together wearing headstraps and making some noises to Matrix music)

Copeland: Oh, sh-

Squishy: Kung-Fu Chocobo!

(The Chocobo fly at the Jedi and suddenly it's a Burly Brawl parody. Feathers fly as the Jedi constantly punch, block and kick never-ending streams of Chocobos. Then more start falling from the sky and coming from cave walls)

Jared: There's so many of them! Somehow they jammed my lightsaber with feathers!

Squishy: I sense great sardonic pleasure and giddiness! Chris is up there watching!

Joseph: Will, you faced him before! Go get him! We'll hold these guys off!

Will: I can't! I have to protect-

Sara: Will just go! Do it for me, us, and the galaxy!

Will: (After a moment) Alright! I'm going!

(Will leaps up to the lowest strut and starts climbing. While showing his climb we also see shots of the continuing battle. Some moments show the guys getting pecked and having egg in their face while screaming battle. One shot shows a pizza guy in the chaos)

Guy: Yeah I have some pizzas for a Chocobo, party of-(Many Chocobo jump on him and maul him until there's noting left but bones and empty pizza boxes. Another shot shows Jane Goodall outside the battle)

Jane: Every day, hundreds of Chocobos such as these are used in violent parodies such as this one. I'm Jane Goodall, and I'm asking for help to save these majestic birds. With every little donation you give, up to 50 of these Chocobo will find sanctuary where they can live without facing such ridiculous violence and cruelty. (An egg hits the side of her head) That's it! (She pulls out a shotgun and goes about blasting Chocobo) You picked the wrong naturalist to f**k with, you overgrown chicken pieces of ****! (Continues blasting) Yeah! How do you like that, ******'s! Say hello to my little friend b***hes! Yeah!

(Turn to Will where he finally reaches the highest platform. He gets up to see Chris standing across from him smiling.

Chris: How do you like my yellow friends, Mr. Handerson? (Will pulls out lightsaber but Chris Force shoves it and sends it falling. They then start circling each other bending their thumbs) How does it feel to fight knowing your friends are in danger? What you say, Mr. Handerson?

Will: Can't say I'm not surprised to see you with Force powers for whatever reason. But I will say that you're a slimeball and it was a mistake to trust you!

(They leap at each other and grapple hands to thumb wrestle. Then they leap back and resume circling)

Chris: Mistake, huh? I don't recall you guys thinking that in the last episode.

Will: That's only because the fans wanted you there.

Chris: Liar!

(They thumb wrestle again then circle again)

Chris: Face it! You needed me because of my skill, because I'm a figurehead for troop morale.

Will: We used you because you were unstable. That scares the crap out of the enemy.

Chris: Is that the best you can say?

(They grapple again and resume pacing positions)

Chris: Fine! If I'm so unskilled, let's prove it in a final deadlocked battle right here, right now!

Will: Alright! Don't think I'll go easy on you because you were my friend once.

Chris: Pah! Like you ever try not going easy on anything. Bring it!

(They grapple again and this time it gets serious. They thumb wrestle very seriously with every move causing them to sweat profusely. Eventually the thumbs start doing weird fighting moves, such as when Chris' thumb does multiple punchings and makes a serious combo. Later the thumbs break out mini-lightsabers and start parrying each other. Towards the end Will's thumb gains the advantage by knocking out Chris' thumb's lightsaber and dazing the thumb with it's own impressive combo. Then it stretches as if leaping up and charges energy in its tip, then fires a kame-hame-ha blast at Chris' thumb which can be seen shooting off the planet. When the blast disappears, Chris' thumb is gone and there's only a bloody stump)

Chris: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! My thumb! You blew off my freakin' thumb! (Breaks off and falls to ground crying while clutching his bleeding stump) What am I doing!? Why am I doing this!?

Will: Chris, come back. Stop this nonsense. You know it is, don't you?

Chris: (After a while) No! I will never stop my glory. Fine! I'll tell you my plan, though I was saving it for when You would be begging for mercy. This Platform Gear of mine? It's a summoning platform, one that will summon a great power with which I will use to rule the galaxy. In fact, I'm gonna do it right now!

(Pulls out a remote and pushes a button. The huge tower starts to rumble, then the back supports rise up and reveal themselves as arms. One of them is holding a microphone and raises to its mid-section. Suddenly "Gato's Theme" from Chrono Trigger plays while the platform hops about as it dancing. When the song is over and the platform goes back to rest, an eerie theme is played)

Chris: Witness the dawning of a new age of horror!

(Turn to sky where dark clouds are forming and reddening in the center. Now turn to the battle on the ground, where things are wearing thin. Jane Goodall is still blasting)

Jane: You want some more? You get some more you freaks! No one messes up the face that is mine! NO ONE! (Pulls trigger and there's only a click) Oh fudge... (Chocobo charge and maul her)

Squishy: (Slashing a Chocobo) Oh my god! They killed Jane Goodall!

Anna: You bas-

(Suddenly a meteor shoots from the clouds and hits the platform and crater with enough force to instantly demolish the Platform, create a huge dust blast and make some powerful tremors. After a while we find some Jedi moving through the dust)

Jared: (Cough) Guys! Where are you?

Copeland: We're over here! Where's Sara?

Sara: Will! Wiilllll! Are you there?

Will: Ugh... I'm right here.

Joseph: Will, what the freak just happened?

Will: I don't know! It had something to do with summoning.

Squishy: Oh no. It's just as I thought.

Jared: What? What did you think?

(As the dust cleared some more, Chris' figure is revealed)

Chris: What just happened was the arrival of the most powerful being in the universe.

(Some growling is heard as just only the crash site is covered with much dust)

Chris: Behold: the all-mighty, all-powerful and truly invincible Lavos!

(As the dust clears we see a huge hideous hedgehog-like creature with green spikes all over it, insect-like feet and a head/mouth that has three parts and opens up to reveal a small eye and hideous roar. Then the camera zooms out to show the creature is really the size of a rabbit, who lets out a tiny roar)

Will: What the..?

Chris: Nooo! It can't be! How could he be so small!? I did everything right, so what did I do so wrong!? (Whines some more)

Sara: He doesn't seem so powerful.

Joseph: Right, it's time we end this silliness. You, Anonymous Stand-In with a Sword, go kill that thing.

Stand-In: Right-o! One dead extraterrestrial coming right up.

(He walks over and when he gets close Lavos rears up and leaps at the guy's face. Then the camera switches to the Jedi who stare in horror as blood splurts from offscreen)

Stand-In: AAAhhhhhhh! He's peeling off my skin! He's breaking open my chest, too! Yahhhhhh! He's rubbing my liver and gnawing on my ganglion! Oh the sheer horrific agony and torture! Someone kill me, he's sucking my bone marrow and forcing me to eat my veins! I can't taste a thing because he's pulling my tongue and ramming it into my lungs! Yet I still speak and every word hurts worse! Someone help meeeeeee!

(Some more horrific screams and sounds. Then we turn to the action where there's an explosion of gore with Lavos at the center)

Joseph: HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF GOOGLY MOOGLY OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!

Anna: MY GOD WHAT THE FREAK WAS THAT!?

Sara: My eyes! My eyes oh that was nasty! Will hold me it's horrible! (Some Jedi faint)

Chris: Ya ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That, my friends, was the sheer brutality and power of the great Lavos, with which I shall harness.

Copeland: Chris you're one sick puppy and you deserve to die for that!

Chris: Why? I wasn't the one who sent that guy to his doom.

Squishy: (Getting up) I should've known. It was obviously a Monty Python parody right there, yet we didn't bother to stop it. Maybe because we didn't think it'd be that nasty. (Vomits offscreen)

Chris: Exactly. And look! He grows with every kill.

(We see Lavos grow to the size of a beachball)

Jared: No. Oh no. We can't let that thing live. We just can't.

Joseph: New mission guys: kill Lavos while he's small!

Squishy: For the Stand-In!

Copeland: Charge!

(They rush to Lavos who leaps around all martial arts like. He sets about to skillfully dodge and knockout Jared and Copeland, then it lands on Anna's head)

Anna: Eeeeeek! It's in my hair! Get it off, get it off!

Joseph: I'm coming! (Rushes to her wielding a large mullet and accidentally misses and knocks out Anna, then Lavos knocks him out. Now there's just Will, Sara and Squishy left)

Sara: Now what do we do?

Squishy: Hmm... Oh yeah! RETREAT!

(They rush for the crater wall and start scurrying up the ledges)

Chris: That's right weakling! Run! (They reach halfway up) Go get them, Lavos!

(Lavos roars and jumps close to the three)

Squishy: (Girlish scream)

(Sara pulls a heel from her robe and throws it at Lavos, causing him to fall back down)

Will: That's the first time I'm grateful you have a shoe rack in your robes.

(They continue to climb. Soon they get back on the surface. Suddenly Lavos launches up and roars as the sun gleams off his shell)

Squishy: That doesn't look good.

Will: Sara, go get the Sparrow and pick up the others.

Sara: But Will I-

Will: (Grabs Sara) You have to do it! We'll distract the thing. Just go and help the others!

(After some some deep looks into each other's eyes, Sara nods and rushes off)

Will: Hey ugly! Show me what you got! (Lavos turns and zips toward Will) Ah jeez... (Runs away)

(The two dash across the desertscape as Lavos descends. He eventually rolls up and along the ground and bowls the two over. Then Lavos flies back up and falls toward Will. Will sees him, grabs a nearby rock and uses it to stuff Lavos' mouth and keep him from attacking. At the crater's edge, Chris jumps up and holds his ground)

Chris: There's no use resisting. Give in to the inevitable.

(Will's rock starts to crack when Squishy runs over with his lightsaber and swings at the beast. Lavos flies off then flies into Squishy's face where his face and Lavos disappear)

Squishy: Hey, what're you doing in here? You don't go there! Hey watch it! (As he's talking his robes start puffing in and out as if a struggle is going on inside) Ahh! Get away from me! Yikes! Ha! Now I've got you! Yeah, you're in my world now! Bring it you pansy! Is that the best you can do? Not so easy fighting in Jawa robes now is it?

(Some more struggling and noises and then Lavos is fired out straight to the sky and Squishy's face appears)

Squishy: (Shaking fist) And stay out!

(Lavos continues soaring until the Sparrow flies by and smacks him back to the ground)

Sara: Take that!

(Lavos falls toward Chris and crashes into him and the ground at high force. The Sparrow starts descending into the crater)

Will: That ought to show 'em.

Squishy: No. Lavos doesn't go down that easily. The fight isn't over yet. Quickly, charge your energy into speed, flight and melee power while Lavos is still down.

Will: Why-

Squishy: Just do it!

(Will holds a stance and charges his energy. He starts groaning and his eyes go white as he's concentrating. Suddenly his hair becomes spikey, white and glowing)

Will: Ah! My hair! It's been bleached!

Squishy: No that's just the DBZ reference. Now look: the beast rises.

(Turn to new crater where Lavos rises glowing with energy and with his mouth open revealing a pissed-off-looking eye)

Will: Let's do this.

(Lavos flies at them and they engage in DBZ-style combat. This involves flying at fast speeds, crashing through many rock structures and exchanging very fast blows and much teleporting. Both sides fight intensely with both sides receiving and giving equally cool blows. While they fight the Sparrow rises from the big crater with Sara looking on in awe. At some point Squishy signals for a mega attack, which tells Will to go at Lavos with more force. He eventually breaks through Lavos' defense and beats him up some more, then punches him over the surface, then teleports and kicks Lavos straight up at Squishy. Squishy then charges his attack)

Squishy: Ullltimate Fiiiiish Smasshhhh!

(A huge tuna appears in his hands and glows with energy. Then with a yell he swings the fish and smacks Lavos back to earth. Turn to Chris who's crawling out of the small crater and looks up, only to see Lavos crash into him again with even greater force. Turn to the Sparrow hovering over the two Jedi)

Sara: Get in so we can get the heck out of here.

(They float into the ship which then takes off for space. The other Jedi start to wake up)

Anna: Ooooh... Nice shot, Joseph!

Joseph: Well that thing was faster than I thought.

Copeland: Ugh, what happened?

Squishy: You were schooled by the great Lavos. Me, Will and Sara were only just able to put him down.

Jared: Well let's celebrate then.

Squishy: We can't. Lavos isn't dead yet. Let me explain exactly what happened, and what Lavos is exactly.

(After a winding explanation)

Anna: Ha! You had spiky hair!

Will: Shut up!

Joseph: Quiet! I still can't believe what happened in your robes Squishy.

Squishy: Yes, yes. Anyways, we should hope Chris was taken out, because Lavos is still a threat.

Sara: But there's no life on that planet, so he'll die out soon.

Squishy: There's a difference. His spawn absorbs life, while he can absorb life and the planet's core. Even that's enough to make him more invincible.

Sara: Oh...

Jared: So how do we attack then?

Squishy: Well, not to brag, but the training I got back in the last trilogy made it so I can handle video game-based threats like Lavos. And Will was able to do it because of spur-of-the-moment DBZ zaniness. I don't think it'll happen so easily the second time around.

Will: (Shrugs) Probably for the best.

Squishy: No offense, but you guys can't handle him at this time, and I might wind up dead if I just face him alone.

Joseph: So what do you suggest?

Squishy: I suggest we do what I did: take a 3-month training course to further improve our skills.

Will: 3 months!? In that time Lavos will easily take over the galaxy!

Squishy: But we can't do anything without that training. Before leaving, we should warn the Coruscant Councils to stay away from this area and only attack with long-range weapons when he's pretty close to the planet. Hopefully it'll hold him off until we get back. (Going to back quarters) I'll try contacting Lord Vidiot's spirit to make arrangements. You get on the horn with Coruscant for what's to come.

Joseph: Well, kinda dicey there. But sure, if there's no other choice. Let's make the call, guys.

(Some time later...)

Sara: Okay, Coruscant has been briefed and the Republic knows what to expect.

Jared: Good, but what of the Sparrow? Shouldn't we park it somewhere first?

Squishy: Time's of the essence, but when the training's done we'll be brought back to it. So, everyone ready?

(People look around)

Joseph: Yes, we're ready.

Copeland: Let's get it started already.

Anna: It's off to see a legend.

Squishy: Alright, now prepare yourselves for training unlike any you've ever had or heard of. (Makes some motions and creates a round warp gate) Oh, and guys: wear crotch protection. (They walk into the gate, which disappears and leaves the Sparrow drifting in space. Meanwhile, turn to Desertopia and at the small crater, where a hand pops out. Then Chris pulls himself out of the rubble and looks at the sky)

Chris: Fine. Go ahead and train. By the time you get back it will all be too late. Face it: your time is just about done.

(He then starts a laugh which slowly grows and becomes more loud and sardonic. While laughing the eerie theme song which is Lavos' is played and we see Lavos growing steadily behind Chris. Turn to space where we see the Planet, then the screen starts graying over as Lavos' screech and Chris' laughing are both heard. Then the screen blacks out with the future uncertain. As the credits roll sad music from Chrono Trigger is played 'til the end)

To Be Continued...