A Better World

The Joker was in the mood for a vacation.

Not that he didn't love his job – there were few people alive who enjoyed their chosen careers as much as the Clown Prince of Crime. But since the Clown Prince of Crime's career often involved ending the lives of others, he actually didn't have much competition in the job enjoyment contest. He didn't even think of it as work so much as having playtime with his favorite Flying Rodent. Not playtime in the way he and his girlfriend used that word, but an amusing night of games, traps, and unnecessary violence. Actually, that was fairly similar to how he and his girlfriend used that word, except he and Bats were wearing clothes. Well, he was wearing clothes – the Bat cheated wearing all that armor. It was only because he knew he wouldn't win without it, Joker assured himself. Gotham didn't see him afraid to take a beating. On the contrary, the Joker rather enjoyed it.

But even the most enjoyable activity could get tedious without a break, and a guy could only take being beaten to a bloody pulp so much before it began to take a toll on his body and spirit. And so, during the Joker's latest stint at Arkham Asylum, while he was waiting for his bones to fully knit back together, he was debating where he should take his vacation. There were plenty of options – exotic faraway destinations and relaxing resorts closer to home, but none of them seemed to spark his interest. Beaches all looked the same, as did forests and mountains and deserts and jungles. He had seen it all. He felt uninspired. But inspiration was about to come his way.

It all began with a completely uninspiring board game tournament at Arkham Asylum. The Joker was in favor of playing Candyland, but his two votes (including Harley's, who supported him regardless) was tied with two for Trivial Pursuit from Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch. That, however, had been flatly vetoed by the rest of the asylum, since the last Trivial Pursuit game between the two had lasted a matter of weeks, as they had both been able to answer every question asked them, after they eliminated the Sports and Leisure category, of course.

"Why don't we just play checkers or something?" asked Two-Face. "That's a nice game with two players and two colors…"

"Because it's for old people, grandpa," snapped Joker.

"Unlike Candyland, which is for two-year-olds," retorted Two-Face.

"Hey, there's no way a two-year-old could possibly understand the complex story of a journey through a sugar-filled wonderland and the strange people who inhabit it," retorted Joker.

"We're in Arkham – why would we even wanna play a game about a buncha other freaks?" demanded Poison Ivy.

"Oh please, Weed Lady, you're nothing like Queen Frostine," snapped Joker.

"What's wrong with Trivial Pursuit?" asked Crane.

"It takes days for you two nerds to agree on a tie because you can't stop showing off how much useless crap you know!" retorted Joker. "I wanna play Candyland!"

"It's so boring, J!" groaned Ivy.

"Boring?!" he repeated, incredulously. "I guess you could think that, until you understand the three-dimensionality of the characters! Gloppy the Molasses Monster has an incredibly tragic backstory, and Lord Licorice's plot to take over Candyland and enslave the population is anything but dull."

"I think you've just forgotten what exciting is, J, locked up in here," said Ivy, rolling her eyes.

"Puddin' gets plenty of excitement in Arkham," retorted Harley, indignantly. "In fact, if the other mean old inmates won't play Candyland with him, we can play a little fun game with just the two of us," she purred, ruffling his hair.

"I don't want sex, you dumb blonde, I wanna play Candyland!" he snapped, throwing down the board game and kicking it across the room. "But I never get what I want in this dump of an asylum! You losers play whatever crap you want without me! To hell with all of you!"

"Aw, puddin', don't be like that!" cried Harley, hurrying after him. "We could have Candyland themed playtime! I got a great idea for Queen Frostine…"

"Jesus, you're so demanding, Harley!" he shouted, shoving her away from him. "I need to get away from people who stress me out! I need a vacation! Only problem is there's no vacation from you!"

"Hey, just because the others won't play Candyland, that's no reason to be mean to me!" snapped Harley.

"You're part of problem!" he retorted. "You deserve to be blamed like the rest of them! I'm trying to have a relaxing time recuperating in my little ha-hacienda, and all I get is uncooperative inmates and demanding broads! I need to be somewhere where nobody can find me!"

"Good! Head off to there so I don't have to deal with you no more, you miserable jerk!" shrieked Harley. "Stay there permanently for all I care!"

"Could we please keep our voices down?" asked Jervis Tetch, popping his head out of his cell and glaring at them. "Some of us are trying to work!"

"I thought you were lobbying to play Trivial Pursuit," said Joker.

"It's no fun with just two people, and Jonathan and I are the only ones who want to play," replied Tetch. "So I thought I'd do some work instead."

"Yeah? What kinda work?" asked Joker, entering Tetch's cell and looking around. Tetch quickly threw a sheet over the project he had been working on.

"Nothing," he said, hastily. "Nothing at all."

"Great, if it's nothing, you don't need to cover it up," said Joker, shoving him out of the way and removing the sheet to reveal a top hat decorated with buttons and blinking lights.

"Aw no, not another one of those alternate reality simulator things!" sighed Joker. "I thought you would have learned your lesson about those since I beat the crap outta you every time you build one."

"It's…it's not an alternate reality simulator," stammered Tetch, clearly lying. "You're…you're talking nonsense."

"Oh yeah? Then how come it's got 'alternate reality simulator' written on his hat card here?" asked Joker, pointing to the card in the hatband.

"Because I…it…all right, it is an alternate reality simulator, but it's for my personal use only," stammered Tetch. "I built four of them, all of which you destroyed, but I never got to use it for the purpose for which I initially intended it – to see what my reality would be like with Alice."

"Well, that's tough, Tetchy," sighed Joker. "And you know I'd hate to deprive you of the only chance you'll ever get at happiness, but I'm a man of my word, and I told you this kinda crap ain't natural. If you keep building 'em, I'm gonna keep destroying them, personal use or no personal use," he said, raising his fist to smash the hat. Then he paused suddenly.

"Wait a minute…this is just the kinda getaway I need!" he cried, beaming. "I'll go on vacation to an alternate reality!"

"Oh no, you don't!" snapped Tetch, snatching it away from him. "You're not going anywhere with my technology! You always end up breaking it, and I will not see another one of my beautiful hats smashed to pieces!"

"And with what army are you planning on stopping me exactly?" asked Joker, smiling.

"I don't have an army," retorted Tetch, clasping the hat in his arms. "But you can't work the simulator without my help, and I am not volunteering that under any circumstances! Not for all the tea in Wonderland!"

Joker sighed again, shrugging. "I guess you win, Tetchy. It's a pity you won't help a buddy out, though. Oh well. Hey, speaking of tea, what have we got here?" he asked, reaching out to grab the jars of loose tea Tetch kept handy in his cell. "Hmm…what would happen if I poured this jar into this one?" he said, holding one over the other.

"No, no, no, you can't do that!" cried Tetch, looking panicked. "You…you can't possibly mix Assam and Darjeeling – that would be madness!"

He held back a cry of horror as Joker poured them together into the same jar, shaking it up. Tetch bit his lip. "I don't care," he muttered. "I'm still not helping you."

Joker shrugged again, heading for the door. "Oooh, what's this?" he asked, grabbing a book by Tetch's bed, which was, unsurprisingly, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. "Looks vintage! Bet that cost a bundle. Ah, here we are," he said, flipping to an illustration. "The Mad Hatter's Tea Party. Now what would happen if I just tugged a little here…" he said, beginning to rip the page out.

"No!" screamed Tetch, racing forward the grab the book out of his hands. "No, no, no, not the first edition! Please, I'll do anything, only don't tear it!"

Joker grinned. "See, Harley?" he said, smiling at her. "Making people help you out isn't hard. You just need to threaten the things they hold most dear. Easy as pie," he said, tossing the book casually at Tetch, who clutched it protectively against him.

"What…reality do you want to visit?" hissed Tetch.

"I dunno," said Joker. "Somewhere interesting."

"Which is?" asked Tetch.

"I dunno," repeated Joker. "You're a smart guy. Think of something. I'll be in my cell when you do," he said, striding out of the room with Harley following him.

Tetch sighed, replacing his book on the table and heading back to the Rec Room, where the other inmates had abandoned the idea of board games in favor of television.

"Anything interesting on?" he sighed, sitting down on the sofa.

"Just the news trying to cover up the damage done by the Justice Lords," said Ivy, nodding at the screen.

"Justice Lords?" repeated Tetch, puzzled.

"Oh right, not everyone knows," said Ivy. "Forget I said anything," she said, returning her attention to her book.

"Who are the Justice Lords?" asked Crane.

"No one," she retorted. "I told you, forget about it."

"How do you know about it, if it's so secret?" demanded Two-Face.

She looked up. "Lex told me," she said, casually. "We've been seeing each other, y'know."

Two-Face said nothing, but his glare deepened and he began flipping his coin to control his rage. "You're dating Lex Luthor?" he muttered.

"Yeah, not seriously or anything," she said, shrugging. "But you know he's running for president now, and I've never gone out with a presidential candidate before."

"So he's already sharing state secrets with you, huh?" growled Two-Face.

"It's not a state secret," snapped Ivy. "Anyone with half a brain could figure it out!"

"Well, I assure you, I have more than half a brain, Pamela, and I have no idea what you're talking about," said Crane.

Ivy sighed. "Ok, you guys have to promise not to blab about this to anyone," she said, lowering her voice. "But you remember there was that big fight on TV which ended in Superman lobotomizing Doomsday with his heat vision?"

"Yes. I remember thinking at the time it was a little out of character for him," said Tetch, nodding.

"That's because it wasn't him," said Ivy. "The Justice League were temporarily replaced by their counterparts from an alternate universe, called the Justice Lords. They're tyrants in their own universe, sacrificing everything to preserve peace and order, including basic freedoms. And as you might have gathered from alternate Superman's actions, they're not afraid to take extreme measures against violent threats to their control. Anyway, the Justice Lords came to our universe to try to impose the same order and control on it, but they were stopped by the Justice League, with Lex's help."

"Luthor helped out the Justice League?" snorted Two-Face. "How can you possibly respect a guy like that, Pam?"

"I would have done the same thing in his place, and so would you, Harvey," snapped Ivy. "Unless you really are crazy. Nobody wants to be ruled by a buncha insane control freaks like the Justice Lords. I mean, they make the Justice League look relaxed."

"And what happened to these Justice Lords after they were defeated?" asked Tetch.

"They returned to their own universe," said Ivy. "Which I guess they're still ruling with an iron fist."

"An alternate universe where the Justice League mete out the maximum punishment to the incurably violent and insane," mused Crane, thoughtfully. "That would certainly be a very interesting universe."

An idea suddenly came to Tetch, and he smiled. "Yes, Jonathan," he murmured. "Very interesting indeed."