A/N: I wrote this in the past hour or two in celebration of us winning the Afterellen Femslash Madness tournament. 23,000 votes guys, I can't believe it! This is really really silly and just a bit of fun, so enjoy!
Emma Swan had never been so bored in her life. She had got into work at 7am to do one of Regina's endless budget reports, and not a single person had spoken to her for the last 3 hours. No-one had came in to the station, no-one had walked past, hell, no-one had even picked the phone up. Never did she think she would yearn for a frantic call from Archie explaining that Pongo had gone missing yet again, but she found herself staring wistfully at the phone, desperately praying it would ring.
Admitting defeat, and wishing Regina had cursed everyone to a town with actual criminals, Emma laid her head down on her desk.
After drifting in and out of sleep for the best part of the morning, the next thing Emma felt was eyes on her. She moved her hands automatically to her holster, only to remember that she'd placed her gun in a desk drawer. Refusing to open groggy eyes to look at what she was doing, she grasped at the drawer desperately, only to find it wouldn't open.
"One of these days, Miss Swan, I'll seriously consider terminating your contract." Emma felt hot breath on her skin, and sat bolt upright in her chair. When she did eventually open her eyes, she found the reason for the un-opening drawer; Regina Mills sat on the edge of her desk, with her legs crossed firmly over it.
"What the hell, Regina? Were you trying to give me a heart attack?"
"Alas, no. I wanted to test your reflexes, which are alarmingly lacking."
"I was asleep! It's not my fault absolutely nothing happens in this town. A town that you created, I might add."
"How selfish of people not to spend their days enveloped in gun crime and petty theft. I'll be sure to reprimand them at the next town meeting. In the meantime, I'm going to begin scouting for a new sheriff. One that would hopefully restrain an axe murderer before they got within kissing distance."
Regina wasn't sure why kissing was the first word that came to mind. While it was true that she was sat mere inches from Emma, she didn't want to make the woman any more cocky than she already was.
"Aw, Regina. I didn't know you cared."
"You're insufferable at times, Miss Swan."
"Only at times?"
"I was being polite."
"Would you believe me if I said I always play it up when I'm talking to you?"
"Not at all."
"Well, maybe I do. Maybe I like getting a reaction out of you."
On more than one occasion, Regina had to remind herself that she wasn't supposed to like Emma. At least not like this. Her hair clumsily around her face, the way she smirked as Regina tried to condescend her, the little lopsided smile she did when she thought Regina wasn't looking.
"You can keep telling yourself that, Emma. Anyway, I only stopped by to tell you that Henry and I expect you for dinner at 7pm sharp."
"Is that how you ask?"
"I'm sorry, were you expecting a bended knee and flowers? It's dinner with our son. The same dinner we've shared every Monday night for the past… 5 months, if I'm remembering correctly."
"Yeah, I wish I could feel like I actually had a choice in the matter!"
Regina seemed hurt for a moment, a frown forming between her eyebrows. "Very well. You can tell Henry you won't be attending."
"No, no, I will be! I just… it's nice to be asked." Emma smiled apologetically.
"We can't always get what we want, Miss Swan. We will be eating dinner at 7, whether you decide to show up or not. Goodbye." Regina gave Emma one last smirk, before turning and walking out.
Emma knew she had to do it tonight. She had to ask Regina out, before she lost the confidence that had seemingly sprung out of nowhere in the past hour. She couldn't deny the fact that she had always found Regina attractive, but recently raise of an eyebrow, every smirk, every condescending remark had left her weak at the knees.
Perhaps it was because she knew Regina was joking. Their fights couldn't be further from what they used to be, and Emma would often see Regina smile to herself as she thought of a good comeback. In turn, each woman would catch their breath hitching as they leaned in close to each other.
They'd become friends. Sparring partners. And Emma would be lying if she said that anyone had ever made her laugh more than Regina.
Unfortunately, having a track record as bad as hers meant that Emma wanted advice on how to go about wooing the mayor. And so, she went to the only friend she had in town who was never shy of admirers.
"Hey, Emma! What can I get you?"
"Just a hot chocolate, thanks Ruby. And a minute, if you have one."
"I've got 10." Ruby nodded to her grandmother, who begun to make Emma's drink, and guided the blonde over to a free table near the door. "So, what is it?"
"I wanted your advice about something." Emma winced, suddenly overcome with fear.
"And you came to me? Wow, I'm flattered."
"You don't know what it is yet."
"Still."
"Say I wanted to… ask someone out. How would I do that?"
"What, like to a bar?"
"Like to a date."
"Oh my gods, who?!" Ruby's eyes widened, and she leant in closer to Emma.
"… Regina."
For a second Ruby furrowed her eyebrows, as if questioning her own hearing. "Regina. You're going to ask Regina Mills on a date?"
"That's the plan."
"Well, finally!" Ruby's face lit up. "I was starting to lose hope to be honest, Em. I've been thinking maybe I should march you over there and force the words out of you."
"Please don't say it's that obvious."
"You're not the most subtle of people. Don't you remember what happened in here last week?"
It wasn't easy to forget. A button had popped off Regina's shirt, and in a desperate bid to look anywhere else, Emma had focused her eyes on the ceiling, not noticing Ruby with a tray of drinks heading right towards her.
"I guess you're right there. Anyway, how do you think I should do it?"
Ruby paused for a moment. "Hmm… maybe you should just keep it simple."
"That's the advice you're giving me? I knew I should have asked Mary Margaret."
"You can't ask your mom for tips on how to date Regina, that's gross. But seriously, I know she's classy and everything, but I think she might like it if you just asked. Straightforward, none of the 'sweeping her off her feet' stuff."
"But I need a plan!" Emma insisted.
"Ok, I have a plan: Don't have a plan."
"Well thanks for that. Now I feel prepared." Emma sighed into the drink that Granny had just placed in front of her.
"Ask her tonight. Just as you leave, it'll seem more casual, less like you've been obsessing over it all afternoon, which I know you're going to."
"You don't think I should… practice?"
"Please don't, Emma. Please." Ruby covered her eyes. "I can't believe you're being like this, it's so unlike you to lose your cool."
"Am I that bad?"
"It's not bad for my self-esteem seeing you as less than Miss Perfect." Ruby chuckled. "Seriously, just ask her."
The two continued to chat for a while, until Emma left to head back to her office. As soon as she was out of hearing range, Ruby pulled out her phone.
"Regina Mills." The voice answered.
"Hey, Mayor Mills. It's Ruby… Ruby Lucas."
Regina's tone became a little less formal. "Miss Lucas, what can I help you with?"
"I wanted to speak to you about Emma, actually."
"Oh? Is everything alright?"
"Yeah she's fine, it's just… she sort of spoke to me about something, and I have an idea that I want to run by you. It could be a lot of fun."
"At Miss Swan's expense? Show me where to sign up."
Ruby laughed in response, surprising herself. "I do need to check something with you first though. Emma… Emma wants to ask you out. On a date. I sort of want to know what you'd say before I tell you the rest, because Emma's my best friend, and I don't want her to get hurt."
Ruby was met with silence.
"Regina? Are you there?"
"Yes, I'm here. I suppose if she were to ask, I might be inclined to say yes."
"You would?" Ruby tried hard not to squeal, but did anyway, earning her a look from the customers around her.
"What does this have to do with your plan?"
"Right, yeah. She's really nervous, completely freaking out. And seeing as you're going to say yes anyway, I thought it might be fun to mess with her a bit."
"I'm listening." Regina's voice perked up.
"You just need to be as stand-off as possible. Be Mayor Mills. She's going to go about this really awkwardly, I can tell, so just deliberately misunderstand her. Keep confusing everything she's saying."
"So deliberately obtuse? For as long as I can?"
"Exactly!"
"Leave it with me."
"Oh, and Regina? Let me listen. Please, I beg you. I have got to hear this."
Emma spent all of dinner shuffling in her seat. She avoided all eye contact with Regina, and instead pretended to be intensely interested in the comic book plots Henry was explaining to her in detail.
Once their son had gone up to his room, Regina began to escort Emma to the door.
"Well if that's everything, I'll see you soon." Regina prompted Emma.
Emma looked into her eyes for a moment, and Regina raised her eyebrows in expectation, but Emma couldn't form the words with the woman's gaze on her, and so turned to leave.
"Actually, there was something else." Emma turned back to face Regina.
"Oh?" Regina mocked surprise.
"I wanted to ask you something, if that's ok?"
"I believe you just did."
"Well, another thing."
"Go ahead."
"Right. … So Regina, we've known each other for a while now."
"… Yes, we have."
"We've got to know each other quite well in that time."
"Indeed."
"You're a woman, and I'm… also… a woman." Emma shook her head at her own idiocy.
"Keenly observed. I'm sorry, are you just stating facts to me? Or was there a point?"
"Yes. The point is… we're friends."
"Another fact."
"Close friends."
"I'm not sure I'd go that far."
"Well, friends anyway. And I was wondering if… you'd go to dinner with me."
"We're at dinner right now."
"No, not here dinner. At Granny's or somewhere."
"Very well. Tomorrow?"
"Y..yeah. That's great."
"That's settled then. Myself and Henry will be there at 6:30."
"Wait, what?"
"It's a time of day, dear. It arrives not long after 6:29."
"Henry?"
"Well, of course. He is our son, after all."
"No, but I thought…"
"You thought what, Miss Swan?"
"We could, you know, go without the kid."
"Oh, I see. Is there some business you wish to discuss? Because I'd rather do that in office hours."
"What? No." Emma put her head in her hands momentarily, running them through her hair.
"So it's just going to be another colossal waste of my time? Much like this conversation is turning out to be?"
"You might have fun!"
"I can hardly see how!" Regina hid her smile with a look of derision.
"Regina, I'm trying to ask you on a date, ok?! Just give me a chance, jeez." Emma shouted, exasperated. She stood breathing heavily for a few moments, before she saw a smirk forming on the corners of the other woman's lips.
"That may be the most convoluted invitation to dinner I've ever received."
"Yeah, well, I'll be waiting for my reward in the mail."
Emma continued to stand awkwardly, until Regina sighed, tipped her head back, and began to laugh like Emma had never heard before.
"Ah, I see. Humour from my pain."
"I just have a hard time believing that it would take you so long to ask me, when you informed Miss Lucas of your intentions hours ago."
"..How do you know that?"
"She told me."
"She what?!" Emma raised her voice. "I can't believe her. And hey, if you knew then why were you being all impossible about it?"
"We thought it might be enjoyable to see you get flustered, dear. And trust me, we were right."
"Unbelievable. Please don't say she's been listening this whole time."
Regina pulled her phone from her blazer pocket unapologetically, and Emma heard for the first time the peals of laughter coming from it.
"I'm sorry, Emma. But that was hilarious. 'You're a woman, I'm a woman.' Where were you going with that?" Ruby burst once again into hysterical laughter.
"I'm not sure exactly. I would have got there."
"Debatable." Regina chimed in.
"Shut it. I'm still angry."
"You are?" Regina raised her eyebrow, and pressed the 'end call' button on her phone before taking 3 steps towards Emma.
"Yes, I am." Emma began to smile. "But I'm sure I'll get over it."
"You will." Regina responded, pressing her lips to Emma's.
A/N: Don't forget to review!