A/N: I just want to warn you all one more time that this story is very angsty and doesn't have a happy ending. This song and this story idea have been haunting me so I needed to get this out. Despite what happens I still hope you enjoy the story.
Also I have a sequel idea that gives it a happy ending if anyone wants it.
This is set in the weeks leading up to Rachel and Finn's wedding and the day of.
The song featured is Say Something by A Great Big World.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, the characters, the song, or anything else mentioned.
Say Something
"Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'll be the one, if you want me to."
/
Quinn felt as though she had just been punched in the stomach. She had just gotten some of the best news of her life and all she could think about after getting the letter was Rachel.
She went to bed thinking about how she was going to share the good news with her good friend.
And now her head was spinning.
Rachel's words were echoing in her head.
Finn asked me to marry him.
It was playing over and over in Quinn's head like a broken record; and pounding like a drum.
"Y-You can't," she stammered.
Wait was that even her own voice?
Then before she could stop herself, she was talking again. She couldn't really wrap her mind around what she was actually saying but she could tell that her words were having the opposite effect on Rachel than what she intended.
Her intentions today were certainly not this; no… her intentions as she went to sleep the night before with a smile on her face was to share her happiness with Rachel but instead she was blurting it out in an attempt to show Rachel that she didn't need a man to make her dreams come true, and certainly not Finn Hudson.
And for Quinn Fabray to feel that way… for Quinn Fabray to let go of the security blanket of needing a man to define her- well that was a pretty big fucking deal.
Why can't Rachel see that?
Why won't she see that neither of them have ever needed Finn Hudson?
Had she become so blinded by love that she couldn't see the path to her dream come true without him?
Had they switched places?
Was Quinn going to be the one to get out and ride her dreams to success while Broadway's biggest dreamer settled for being Mrs. Rachel Hudson?
Over my dead body- she thought.
"Look Rachel," she began and then suddenly she was trying once again- like she had once before- to convince Rachel that she was better than Lima, better than all of them, and certainly better than being Mrs. Finn Hudson.
But once again- as always- it fell upon deaf ears.
And as she stormed out of the bathroom she could only think of one more option. If Rachel wouldn't listen to her advice in the bathroom; maybe… just maybe, she'd listen through song.
It was her native language after all.
After Quinn's song; she gave a beautiful and completely heartfelt speech about Yale and how they had all saved her and loved her anyway… and helped to change her. She had been talking to everyone- but really only to Rachel. She hoped it worked; she hoped her words had gotten through to her… just this once.
It seemed as if they may have so she decided to try once more. She wanted to try again to get her point across that she was trying to make in the bathroom before her confusion and desperation took over and caused her to push Rachel even further away.
Even closer to him.
"Hey Rachel," Quinn called out to her as the choir room emptied; Rachel looked back at her. "C-Can we talk for a minute?" Rachel looked up at Finn who was grasping her hand like she was his property.
"I'll catch up with you later Finn," she said but it sounded more like a question than a statement of fact. And it made Quinn's stomach turn… what had happened to the beautiful, and vibrant girl who didn't let anyone tell her who she was or how to dream?
"Okay… cool," Finn said before leaning down and pressing his lips against Rachel's in a kiss that- in Quinn's opinion- lasted far too long. She choked back the gag that was rising in her throat and curled her lip in disgust. But then Finn was gone and Rachel was staring at her.
Her arms were crossed over her chest defensively, and her eyes narrowed in a way that told Quinn she wasn't mad necessarily but she was ready to defend her relationship with Finn until her dying breath.
Even though Quinn knew this… she was in denial and tried anyway.
"Rachel you-you can't do this," Quinn's tone was pleading.
"And why can't I?" Rachel snapped just like Quinn knew she would, but she pushed on. She couldn't let this happen; Rachel couldn't marry Finn… Rachel was meant to be with her.
"Rachel please, I am begging you… don't do this."
"Why do you care so much?" Still no anger; only determination and defensiveness were lacing her tone.
Because I love you.
"Be-because um… I-I uh… your dreams Rachel," she back peddled and Rachel rolled her eyes.
"Why can't I have both?"
"Do you really think Finn will let that happen? Do you really… honestly think that Finn will let something else be more important to you than he is?"
"No… Finn won't make me choose."
"Are you sure… really sure?" Quinn could see a sign of doubt in Rachel's eyes and she held onto that. She hoped to ride that doubt and somehow convince Rachel that this was a bad idea. "Because it seems like he already is."
"What's your angle Quinn?" Rachel deadpanned and Quinn panicked.
"I-I don't have an angle Rachel… I'm just looking out for you."
"Since when? Since when does Quinn Fabray look out for Rachel Berry… when exactly did that happen?" More defensiveness was pouring out of Rachel.
"Since we became friends," Quinn answered trying to hide the hurt and with even more desperation than she had before.
"And when exactly did that happen?"
Again Quinn felt as though she had just gotten punched in the stomach.
"Rachel I-I uh-"
"Look Quinn," Rachel cut her off. "I understand and believe that for some reason you feel like you need to protect me… but not from Finn. He won't ever hurt me and if you can't or won't support us in this then… I ask you to stay out of it."
"B-But-"
"No buts Quinn… I'm marrying Finn and if you can't be happy for me then just… stay out of it," she shook her head and then stormed out of the room.
Once again Quinn was alone.
And she was angry.
/
"Anywhere I would've followed you. Say something, I'm giving up on you."
Two weeks later on Valentine's Day, was the next time Quinn heard about Rachel and Finn getting married; but even though she hadn't heard about it… it was all she had thought about over the previous two weeks, and every time she thought about it she became angry.
Today was no exception.
"Finn and I are finally getting married," Rachel announced as the two of them stood in the choir room in front of all of their fellow glee clubbers.
Quinn could feel the pounding in her ears and the pounding in her heart.
But today… anger superseded her emotions and before she could stop herself the words were coming out like vomit as she once again fought Rachel to not make this mistake; but today was different.
Today she wasn't the only one.
Today Kurt shared her opinion… and she could've kissed him as he spoke up. She finally wasn't the only voice of reason.
Kurt was Finn's step-brother and one of Rachel's closest friends. They'd listen to him… they have to listen to him. But they didn't listen to him and her anger was back.
She wanted to scream, she wanted to drop to her knees and beg Rachel not to do this. The only person she had ever truly cared about was destroying her own career, her own life… and Quinn was losing her.
It was tearing her apart. She felt the tears brimming in her eyes, and she felt herself rising to her feet. She had never been so angry in her life.
She wanted to kick Finn in the balls; simply because he was the one Rachel chose… and he was so fucking lucky.
She wanted to literally shake some sense into Rachel.
But she didn't do either of those things.
Instead; and in true Rachel Berry fashion she stormed out of the room. She was halfway down the deserted hall, halfway to the sanctuary of the bathroom, and the freedom to cry her eyes out. She couldn't fight the tears in her eyes as she tried to escape. And she almost made it into the bathroom but…
"Quinn," Rachel's sweet voice called and it violently pulled her back into the moment; this nightmare. She felt anger boiling and overshadowing every other feeling she had in this moment. She wiped her tears and spun on her heel.
"What?" She snapped and was shocked at how close Rachel was to her all of a sudden.
"Why are you so mad?" Rachel's voice was soft, concerned. Gone was the determined and defensive tone she had two weeks earlier; when she and Quinn had the same conversation that they were about to have again. With likely the same results.
"Because you're stupid!"
"Why… because I'm following my heart?"
"Following your heart is all fine and well but at what cost? You were always the beautiful star with these big dreams," Rachel couldn't help but smile at the compliment. "I mean what are your dreams now Rachel… Lima housewife?" Quinn spat as her anger came out in full force.
"Wow… is that really what you think of me?"
"I don't know, is that what you think of yourself?"
"I'm still going to go to New York and follow my dreams."
"Don't be so naïve Rachel," Quinn shouted echoing her words from a similar conversation they had the previous year. She had pretty much given Rachel the same speech then as she was now.
Would the girl ever listen?
Probably not.
But she still had to try.
"People don't get married at seventeen anymore Rachel… not unless they've settled. Face it, you're settling for Finn and I'll be dammed if I'm going to stand by and watch it."
"I-Is this about you… do you still want Finn?" Rachel asked honestly as she completely missed the point; Quinn laughed.
"No Rachel… this is all about you," she answered with a heavy sigh. After a moment of silence between them; Quinn narrowed her eyes, and met Rachel's stare.
She wanted to lay it all out on the line so that Rachel would hopefully see in her eyes, and hear with her words what Quinn would probably always be afraid to admit… even to herself. But she knew she would never say everything she felt.
"I used to admire you Rachel Berry- the girl with a heart of gold and dreams bigger than this small town life. But Rachel Hudson? That is a girl that I have no interest in… she is the girl that settled for the boy she thinks is her whole world merely because he was the only one she ever thought she could have. The girl I know and-" she paused and sucked in a breath because she almost said too much.
"Rachel Berry is the girl that would've left town anyway despite his love because she knew she could do better and she knew she was a star. Rachel Hudson is the girl who settles and frankly I don't even want to know her." With that Quinn stormed off and Rachel was left stunned. She jumped in surprise when she felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Hey babe," Finn's voice called, she turned, and smiled up at him. "Is everything okay?"
"Y-Yeah," she lied and her eyes darted back to where Quinn had just been standing; after a moment she looked back at him. "Everything is perfect," she lied again and he smiled. They walked back into the choir room hand in hand.
In the bathroom; Quinn was finally letting it all out and as she did she felt the anger leave her and the love take over.
She needed to try again, and again after that if necessary. If Rachel was going to marry Finn anyway there was nothing Quinn could do about it. But until that fateful day Quinn decided that she would keep trying to convince Rachel to do the right thing even if that meant bargaining with her.
The question was… would she be bargaining with Rachel or with herself?
/
"And I am feeling so small, it was over my head. I know nothing at all."
Another week had passed and tragedy- almost- struck as David Karofsky tried and thankfully failed to commit suicide. As the school dealt with the news of what had happened Mr. Schuester decided that instead of singing he would have the kids sit around and talk about what they're most looking forward to in their lives. When it came to Rachel; she said that what she was most looking forward to was being friends with them all for the rest of her life. But the best- or worst- part for Quinn was that she was looking directly at her when she said it.
And Quinn melted.
So bargaining with myself it is- she thought.
And then her thoughts moved to other things. Maybe she could support Rachel while subtly begging her not to do it. Maybe she could drop hints.
Or maybe she could just let Rachel follow her heart and marry the big oaf… she did love him.
But did he love her?
Sure… but not as selflessly as Rachel loved him.
But then again; if Rachel wasn't willing to fight for her own dreams anyway then why did she care? The answer was as simple as the question; because someone had to… Finn sure didn't.
But was she really being selfless by fighting Rachel on her own wishes; or was she being just as selfish as Finn was? Why doesn't she want Rachel to marry Finn? What was the real reason, what was her personal stake in all of this?
So far the bargaining was going well. Obviously- Quinn thought as she rolled her eyes at all the things floating around in her head.
Maybe she'd have to try again with Rachel.
Quinn was so lost in her head that she didn't even notice that the bell had rung, and her classmates were gone; with the exception of Rachel who was looking at her like she was crazy.
She wasn't too far off in that line of thinking.
"Quinn," Rachel called and this time Quinn snapped her head up; then she looked around at the empty auditorium, before she looked back at Rachel. "Are you okay?"
"Y-Yeah," she quickly got to her feet. "I'm fine… I was just thinking," Rachel nodded with a shy grin because that much was pretty clear.
"If you don't mind me asking… what has you so distracted?"
"Trust me… you don't want to know," Quinn told her honestly.
"Yeah, I suppose I don't." Rachel looked to the ground and then quickly looked back up. "Quinn… I know that you have your reasons why you don't want me to marry Finn right now and I understand that those reasons are important and valid," Quinn nodded. "And I don't expect you to understand, but I would love for you to still be a part of it… the girls and I are going to the dress shop after school; and I'd love it if you'd be there… either as a bridesmaid or just as a friend," Quinn was speechless and before she found her words again Rachel was gone.
And a smile crept up her face.
This was her chance… she'd get Rachel to trust her again and then she would subtly bargain with her. She'd beg her if she had to; but she was going to convince Rachel that marrying Finn now… or ever would be the worst mistake she'd ever make.
Subtle had been her intention.
But Quinn Fabray, had never been good at subtle.
/
"And I will stumble and fall, I'm still learning to love. Just starting to crawl."
Quinn sat there in the dress shop with her fakest smile; and to even achieve that she spent most of her time pretending she was watching Rachel try on dresses for their wedding.
It didn't matter anymore… what was the point in denying, ignoring, or pretending her feelings for Rachel didn't exist; it's not like Rachel would ever know. She wasn't hiding it from herself anymore either because if there was never a chance of it happening; then there was never anything to be afraid of… and she knew she never had a chance with Rachel.
Especially after she is married to Finn.
And though Quinn knew the chances of her being lucky enough to have Rachel were non-existent; she still had to do absolutely everything she could think of to stop her from getting married in high school and throwing her dreams away.
Quinn had been prepared to sacrifice her own future in the name of securing Rachel's once before and she would do it again. She would do it as many times as it took for Rachel to see that there is nothing more important to her than to see Rachel Berry get out of Lima and make it on Broadway… that was Quinn's true happiness; in lieu of getting to be loved by the girl- of course.
As she sat watching she tried- she really did try- to be subtle.
But this was Rachel and she was Quinn.
So, before she could really grasp what she was doing, before she could stop herself she was on her feet; and she was shouting at Rachel.
"Okay, I've tried to reason with you, I've even tried to be nice about it but I'm not going to stand around and watch you ruin your life by marrying Finn Hudson," she nearly spat his name. She was feeling all of it. She was angry, she was bitter that Rachel really loved this boy who never appreciated her anyway… she was in denial that she was still going to marry him. She was depressed, and her heart was shattering.
She was desperately trying to hang onto a dream that wasn't even hers.
Because someone had to.
"Looks like I'm the only one with balls enough to say it… Rachel, the thing that I admire most about you is that you're a girl that has never apologized for your ambition… the shiniest star of all of us. Like it or not it's true and as we get closer and closer to graduation you keep hiding your light behind this stupid Finn wedding thing." There was a long pause as the two girls stared at each other and Quinn hoped she had gotten through to her. "I never pegged Rachel Berry as the girl too scared to take on the world."
"Okay well… if that's how you feel then I'd prefer it if you didn't attend the wedding," Rachel told her; and Quinn huffed an aggravated sigh.
Looks like Quinn wasn't the only one in denial.
"It's okay," Quinn shrugged. "I won't," and then she left without looking back.
She stormed out of the shop with tears in her eyes and she knew Rachel saw them. Rachel may never understand why she was crying but she knew that Rachel knew she had reduced Quinn Fabray to tears; and that thought alone angered her more, and pushed her further into a sad state.
How could I want her dreams to come true more than she does? Quinn's mind was racing as she drove home; trying and again failing to mask her tears. To hide her broken heart, and to pretend that she wasn't completely fucking pissed off at Finn for convincing Rachel that he was her best option.
Once she was home in bed she let the tears engulf her fully. Her mom tried to help but how could she even begin to explain why she was upset. Instead, she thanked her mom for the effort and then asked her to please let it go; and Judy did.
As Quinn lay curled up in her bed crying over Rachel freaking Berry she realized that she was getting sadder and sadder. Her heart was breaking and she could do nothing but let the tears flow and then accept it.
She had tried… she fought, she yelled, she tried to reason with her and nothing worked so now she just needed to give up. She wanted nothing more than to just shake her mind free of it and why it all mattered so much to her.
So what if Rachel Berry threw her dreams away for her high school boyfriend; it was her life and if being Mrs. Rachel Hudson was what she really wanted then who was she to stand in her way?
But the mere thought of Rachel Hudson made Quinn want to vomit and she knew that this feeling she was having was so much more than Rachel getting married, it was more than Rachel giving up her dreams for this boy… it was Rachel unknowingly giving up on her.
The dream she never knew she could have if she wanted it.
Quinn was in love with her; there was no more denying it, there was no more anger about it, there was no more bargaining… she needed to admit this to herself and then maybe after the pain subsided she'd finally be able to move on.
She needed to fully accept the reason why she was so invested in Rachel's future. Why she was willing to sacrifice her own happiness so that Rachel would follow her dream and be happy? Why she was willing to sacrifice the popularity she had worked so hard to obtain so long as she could be near Rachel. Why she was willing to sacrifice her own pride by putting herself out there for Finn only to be rejected; so that Rachel could be confident in her relationship.
But it didn't matter because fully realizing these things and finally accepting the depth of her feelings for the girl didn't make it any easier to deal with the thought of watching her marry Finn.
It made it far worse and she cried harder.
/
"Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you."
School, glee club, and regionals were not going to wait for her sadness to go away so after a weekend spent in tears she pulled herself out of bed and dragged herself into school.
It was a mundane and boring day. Usually the day of regionals or of any competition for that matter was a fun day; one of the most exciting days actually just like how cheering had always been for her. But today was different, and she didn't even know yet that it was because it was also Rachel and Finn's wedding day.
In the choir room as they prepared to go out on stage and sing their hearts out; Mr. Schuester always liked to make a speech and today was no different. But even that would be different today. Because today Rachel and Finn dropped a bomb that they could never take back.
"Today… after the performance, Rachel and I are getting married," Finn annouced to the group and it reverberated like a blood curdling scream through Quinn's head.
Rachel and I are getting married.
Rachel and I are getting married.
Rachel and I are getting married.
And then Rachel's eyes were on Quinn and she was saying something. Quinn pushed the loud buzzing of Finn's voice aside and focused in on Rachel's voice… like she had so many times before.
"And we'd really like you all to be there," she said or it was something like that because Quinn's head was still fuzzy. However, Quinn did have the presence of mind to note that while Rachel's words included everyone in the room; her eyes were firmly on one person again.
Again it was her.
Before Quinn could get to the bottom of what that might've meant they were all putting their hands into a circle and she was now expected to sing… she was expected to perform.
Her world was once again crashing around her and also once again something was expected of her.
But hey… at least the song was right.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Quinn wondered…
Would it make her stronger?
Or would it kill her?
/
"Say something, I'm giving up on you."
They performed, they sang their damn hearts out and there was no way they were going to lose in their own house; at least not if Rachel Berry had anything to say about it. When Here's to Us began with the girls on the stage and the guys in the balcony Quinn didn't even have to see Rachel's face to know that she was singing this song to only one person… and it certainly wasn't her.
It would never be her.
Rachel's eyes were locked on the boy on the balcony and he was smiling back at her. Quinn felt her heart break all over again; although at this point she couldn't count how many times it has broken over and over again since Rachel told her that Finn proposed.
But this… this was the end.
She had to give up on her.
There was only ever one person that Rachel loved and it wasn't Noah Puckerman, it wasn't Jesse St. James, and it certainly wasn't or could ever be Quinn Fabray.
Finn Hudson may not have been worthy of her love, he may never cherish her the way she deserved, but he is all she has ever wanted, all she has ever needed. And for the first time… probably ever, Quinn could literally see that love.
She knew in that moment; there was nothing she- or anyone- could ever do to stop this train wreck of a marriage that was going to happen whether she liked it or not.
They were getting married today and nothing would stop it… not Finn's parents, not Rachel's parents, and again not Quinn Fabray.
She knew she had a choice to make. Either she was going to have to support Rachel as she married the love of her life or she was going to lose her forever, in every capacity.
She needed to talk to Rachel.
/
"And I will swallow my pride, You're the one that I love, and I'm saying goodbye."
/
However, as soon as the competition ended and the winner was announced she was summoned to her former coach's office and offered a position on the Cheerios again. She jumped at the chance and by school rule: mandated by Sue Sylvester herself; the uniform must be worn at all times on school grounds.
The party was just about wrapped up by the time Quinn was done with Sue and as she walked toward the choir room she passed Kurt and Blaine.
"Looking good Fabray," Blaine said and Kurt smiled in agreement.
"Thanks boys," she was feeling as confident as she could be as she approached the room and she saw that Rachel was leaving. "Hey," she called and Rachel turned around. When Rachel saw her in the Cheerios uniform a huge smile spread across her face.
"How do I look?" She didn't really need to know she just needed an opening to talk to Rachel; and suddenly she was very glad she was in her Cheerio uniform to do this. She had always felt stronger, and braver when she was wearing it.
"As long as you're happy, I'm happy for you," Rachel responded; there was a beat of silence and Quinn had to steel herself for what she was about to say next. She took a deep breath.
"When you were singing that song… you were singing it to Finn and only Finn, right?" Her voice cracked.
Dammit, why did her voice crack? But then Rachel gave her the slightest of nods and all Quinn could do was let it all go… to let her go.
She could feel the tears in her eyes.
"I want to support you Rachel… and Finn; and come to the wedding," there is that cracking again.
Hold it together Fabray- she mentally chastised herself because she could hear the sadness in her voice, she could feel the pain in her tone. "If-If that's okay," Rachel was smiling and nodding wildly.
She loved making Rachel happy.
And then Rachel was hugging her; then and only then could she let the mask fall. Then and only then could she let the emotions show on her face as she let her go, while holding her tight.
She held on tight to the only part of Rachel that would ever be hers… her friendship.
Her pain came second to Rachel's happiness… it always had and in this moment Rachel was happy; Rachel was holding her, and all was right in the world.
If this kind of unconditional friendship was all she would ever get from this girl than that would be enough, and she would take it.
When Rachel pulled out of the hug; Quinn felt warmth spread throughout her body and she knew she was finally accepting that Finn was her choice.
/
"Say something, I'm giving up on you. And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. And anywhere I would've followed you. Say something, I'm giving up on you."
Since Quinn hadn't intended to go to the wedding she had to rush home to get her bridesmaid dress that she bought in case she changed her mind.
She didn't want any of this but she knew herself and this certainly wasn't the first time she did something because Rachel had asked, so she was prepared.
As she drove she started to think about why the hell she was doing this. She could still support Rachel without actually being there. She knew time wasn't slowing down and the wedding would happen with or without her; so when she got stuck behind a tractor she seriously considered turning around and sending them a gift so that she didn't have to watch it happen.
But still she drove and as she did she was lost in thought. She was literally replaying her relationship with Rachel over and over in her mind. She was remembering all the moments that she could've told her the truth and maybe- just maybe- it would've changed how things have turned out.
What she didn't know was that across town Rachel was holding up her own wedding because she didn't want to do it without Quinn ; and if anyone had asked her why it mattered so much she wouldn't have been able to answer them . She just knew she couldn't go through with this unless Quinn was standing behind her; supporting her.
She was feeling the pressure; from her friends, from her family, and from her fiancé… but for some unexplainable reason she needed Quinn. So with everyone breathing down her neck she pulled out her phone and tapped out a text.
/
Quinn heard her phone's text tone bing and she looked over; it had been placed on the passenger's seat. She looked back at the road and decided that whatever it was could wait.
But then it binged again and against her better judgment she picked up the phone and read the first message.
From Rachel: Where are you?
She opened and read the second one.
From Rachel: Say something...
Quinn looked at the road quickly and then she opened a reply text, looked at the road, and then tapped out a text.
To Rachel: I'm giving up on you.
She didn't see the stop sign, she certainly didn't see the truck… all she saw was blackness.
And then she was in a place where Rachel wasn't marrying Finn, instead she was marrying her… Rachel was marrying Quinn.
Is this heaven?
/
"Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something..."
END.