A/N: As soon as I saw the prompt, this immediately popped into my mind. I wrote half of this in one sitting. I've never written Erwin before, let alone drunk Erwin, so feedback is welcome! Enjoy!

Hanji looked up from her paperwork with wide eyes. "Levi," she said, sounding like she'd realized something terrible. "I have never seen you drunk."

Levi stopped writing and glared up at her with hooded eyes. "And why does that matter right now, shitty glasses?"

Hanji turned to Erwin, who was still working through his papers one by one. "Erwin," she said, reaching over to grab his sleeve, "I haven't seen you drunk either."

"That would be unprofessional," he said, taking another paper from the stack next to him.

Hanji stuck out her lower lip. "But you drink with Mike."

"I've known Mike for a while." Erwin signed the paper and took the next one in the pile, not meeting Hanji's gaze.

She continued anyway. "How long's 'a while?' Haven't we known you for a while?" Hanji looked over at Levi as if she were expecting him to agree.

"Drop it and get back to work, four eyes," Levi said.

Still pouting, Hanji picked up the next paper and held it in front of her. The other two continued writing, Levi focusing on filling out detailed requests, Erwin looking them over and signing them. The dull scratch of ink on paper was the only thing that could be heard in the room for a few full seconds until Hanji wrinkled her nose and slammed the page down on the table.

"It bothers me though!" She pointed two fingers at Erwin and Levi. "I would die for either of you, but we've never even been out for a drink together!"

"Tch. Is that some kind of requirement?" Levi said, not looking up.

"Maybe it should be!" Hanji said, throwing her hands in the air. Her eyes were shining, the start of a grin pulling at the corners of her mouth.

Levi finished writing his last line with a flourish. "And maybe you should get back to work."

Hanji's smile disappeared into an exaggerated frown. She shuffled her papers together, making as much noise as possible, earning her a glare from Levi.

Erwin set down his pen and folded his hands under his chin. "What brought this on, Hanji?"

She dropped the papers with a sigh, scattering them into Levi's and Erwin's neat piles. "I was looking at our inventory lists," she started, "and I noticed that there's some extra wine in the officer's warehouse—"

"Like we have time to get drunk," Levi mumbled, reorganizing the papers.

"—So I started wondering…why we'd never gone drinking together," Hanji finished, sucking in her lips. Her eyes moved back and forth between the two of them.

"Just say that you're bored and want to get drunk," Levi said, tapping one stack of papers on the table so that the corners would align. Erwin chuckled a little, turning his head to try to hide it.

"Aw, c'mon Levi, why are you always like that?" Hanji reached across the table again, this time pulling Levi's hands away from restacking the papers. "You can't tell me that you're not bored."

Levi pushed her away, giving her another glare. "We need to get this done so that those damn pigs in Sina don't start breathing down our necks about the budget again," Levi said.

Hanji folded her hands under her chin and grinned at him. "Nobody's touching your cleaning budget, Levi."

Levi's glare darkened and he started to stand up, but Erwin held up a hand to stop him. "Maybe Hanji has a point," he said. Hanji's eyes began to glow again, her smile coming back. "It is a bit strange that we've worked so closely together for all these years but haven't had one drink together."

By the time Erwin had finished his sentence and turned back to her, Hanji was on her feet. "I'll be right back!" she said. Hanji ran out of the room, slamming the door so hard that it bounced halfway back open.

Levi shook his head and sat back down, putting an arm over the back of his chair. "What part of that was a 'yes'?" he said. He grabbed the top few pages from the reorganized pile and held them out to the commander.

Erwin just smiled, taking the papers from Levi's hand. "She means well. It's late, and you're among friends. What's the harm in one drink?"

Levi scoffed, picking up his pen and turning a page over. "I'm not worried about myself. Four-eyes is enough of a damn handful when she's sober."

"Hm," Erwin said, pausing in mid-signature. "Levi?"

"What?"

"I'd like to apologize in advance in case I act…odd later this evening."

And now Levi paused mid-scribble, eyes narrowing in confusion. "The hell is that supposed to mean?"

The door slammed open again, and for a second it looked like nearly a dozen bottles of alcohol had grown legs. Hanji's head popped out from the side, flushed and out of breath. "Sorry for the wait!" She stumbled towards the table, putting the bottles down with a cacophony of ringing glass.

"You weren't even gone long enough to take a shit," Levi said, gathering up the papers and placing them far away from the bottles.

"How did you open the door?" Erwin asked.

"Kicked it," Hanji shrugged.

Levi turned in his seat, frowning at the dusty bootprint on the lower half of the door. Erwin picked up one of the bottles, examining the label. "Are all of these from the officer's warehouse?" he continued.

"Well, some of them are mine," Hanji said, counting with a finger. "Crap, I left the ice out in the hallway. Hold on a second."

Hanji ran out the door again as Levi turned a bottle so that the label was facing him, still frowning. "The hell did she bring that needs ice?"

Hanji walked back in, humming to herself, and placed a bucket of ice on the table. A trio of glasses clinked together in her other hand.

"Were you planning this all along?" Levi asked.

Hanji popped the cork on one of the bottles with one hand and started pouring with a smirk. "Maaaybe," she said, pushing one of the glasses towards Levi.

"And so then I said—Pfff…. Ahahaha!" Hanji doubled over in laughter before she could even finish her sentence, pounding her fist on the table. "You really—holy crap, you should've seen their faces."

Levi took another sip from his glass before putting it down on the table. He cast a concerned look towards the pyramid of bottles that Hanji had made in the space next to him about an hour before she'd started laughing every five seconds. "You're not much different now than when you're sober, shitty glasses," Levi said, looking back at Hanji. Her shoulders were still shaking with giggles from the joke that she couldn't finish.

"And you're not different at all," Hanji said, grabbing another bottle by the neck and taking a long drink from it before slamming it back down on the table. "Why can't you be a bit more—" A loud belch slipped through her lips, cutting off her sentence and lasting for a few good seconds. Hanji looked surprised at herself for a moment, and then started howling with laughter, falling off her seat and rolling on the floor below.

Levi waved a hand in front of his nose, scowling. "That's disgusting. Don't do that again." He grabbed the bottle Hanji had abandoned, pouring himself another drink. "And get off the floor, it's filthy."

"Looks fine from down heeeere," Hanji called in a sing-song tone from under the table.

"I haven't cleaned it in two days," Levi said, picking up his glass again.

"Pft. Two days. This is why you need to get drunk." Hanji re-emerged, taking her seat again with a giggle. She looked over Levi's shoulder. "How long has Erwin been doing that?"

Levi turned in his seat. Erwin was pacing the floor behind them, muttering something about formations and battle tactics and changes in weather patterns.

"Since his second drink," Levi answered Hanji.

Hanji snorted. "Of course Erwin would be even more of a workaholic under the—hee hee. Aha ha ha ha ha!"

Levi shook his head as Hanji lost herself in another laughing fit. At the same time, Erwin stopped in the middle of the floor, staring at his desk like he'd never seen it before.

"Levi." Erwin's face was red, his eyes a bit too shiny. "Do you think that I can lift that over my head?" He pointed to the desk.

"What? No," Levi said, putting down his glass again. "Why the fuck would you want to do that?"

"This is a question from your commanding officer, soldier," Erwin said, pointing a finger at Levi. "Are you doubting my abilities?"

Levi tilted his head. "No. I just can't take you seriously when your drunk face makes it look like you're constipated," he said. That set off Hanji on another round of giggles.

It didn't seem like Erwin heard him, since he just blinked a few times and then walked towards the desk anyway. He stooped down, wedging his fingers underneath it. Before Levi could say anything, Erwin stood up—throwing the desk on its side with a loud crash. Hanji applauded while Levi put a hand over his eyes.

Erwin stared at the wreckage of the spilled papers and ink on the floor. "Levi. You were right."

"Of course I was," Levi sighed, standing up to set the desk right. "You're drunk, old man. Call it a night."

Erwin just stared at him for a few seconds, his eyes wide. "Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without you, Levi," he continued.

"It's a desk, Erwin. Don't get sentimental on me." With one last shove, Levi put the desk back in place. He looked back at Erwin, frowning when he saw the commander's watery eyes. "Go to bed."

"Is there anything that I can do to repay you for all these years of loyalty?" Erwin said.

Hanji sniggered from the table. "Propose!" she shouted.

Erwin's eyebrows knit together in confusion. "Is…that how…?"

Levi flipped off Hanji, but that only made her laugh harder. As soon as Levi's eyes were off Erwin, he stepped forward, catching Levi in a bear hug. "Don't ever leave, Levi," Erwin whispered into his hair.

Levi flailed his arms, pushing away from Erwin. "Don't listen to fucking four eyes," he said, straightening his shirt. "I told you, you're drunk." Erwin just reached out his arms in an attempt to hug him again, and Levi batted his hands away. "Congratulations Hanji, now we know why Erwin doesn't like drinking," Levi said over his shoulder. "He's too damn impressionable. Are you satisfied now?"

"Don't worry about it, Erwin!" Hanji called out. "If Levi won't make an honest man out of you, I will!"

Levi sighed, wondering if the two of them had woken up everyone in the barracks at this point with the shouting and the desk flipping.

"Leviiii," Hanji whined. "Why aren't you drunk yet?"

"Trust me, I wish I was," Levi said.

The flame in the room's lantern burned lower with every passing minute, but Levi had given up on moving from his seat. The last time he'd tried to stand up, Hanji had yelled something incoherent at him about not playing fair and he didn't feel like testing his luck. However, he had to admit that he was impressed by how long she'd been draining the bottles without getting sick. Even with his high tolerance, he'd stopped refilling his glass a long time ago. Erwin was slumped on the table next to him, his body so limp that Levi had checked his pulse three times.

Levi had a guess that he and Mike would be the only high-ranking members without a hangover tomorrow.

Hanji pushed another bottle to the side, pointing at Levi for a long moment. She squinted at him. "Imma drunk you un-er dis ta-bul," she said. Her mouth sounded like it was full of cotton.

"No, you're not," Levi said. He swirled the ice around in his glass.

Hanji hiccuped, blinking one eye before the other. Her hand drooped down. "Since when er there three o' you?" she slurred.

"Give it up, four eyes," Levi said. He took one short sip as Hanji's head drooped along with her arm. Moments later, her forehead collided with the top of the table, making a dull thud. She was snoring within seconds.

Levi sighed. It was finally over. He dropped his glass and grabbed one of Erwin's arms, looping it over his shoulder and standing up. It took him a minute to find a new center of gravity with the dead weight of Erwin's body threatening to drag him down. With a grunt, Levi made his way over to the other side of the table, grabbing the snoring Hanji around the waist with his free arm. Her feet dragged on the floor, but Levi was past caring. This had been her idea, so any damage to her boots would be her own fault.

Levi looked at the mess of bottles on the table and smears of ink that were still on the floor but forced himself to ignore them. He could clean the whole place tomorrow.

He slowly made his way towards the door, dreading how far away Erwin and Hanji's rooms were. But then Levi realized that he had another problem. He couldn't open the door without dropping one of them.

Levi sighed again. He kicked the door open, leaving a smaller bootprint to match Hanji's on the other side. Tomorrow, he would make this room spotless.

The next morning, Levi didn't look up from his tea when Erwin sat down across from him at the officer's table in the mess hall. He hid his hangover well, but even out of his peripheral vision Levi could catch some signs. Erwin had missed a spot shaving. The part in his hair wasn't straight. His eye twitched whenever one of the teenage recruits was too loud on the other end of the hall, which was often. Like Levi, Erwin hadn't gotten any breakfast. A single mug of steaming coffee sat in front of him instead. Erwin wrapped his hands around it several times before speaking.

"Levi. I don't… I'm not quite sure what I did last night."

"Mm." Levi turned his teacup on his saucer, waiting for Erwin to continue.

"I need to apologize to you. Again. I'm sure that my actions were—"

"You didn't do anything wrong, Erwin." Levi looked up to see that Erwin was watching him with bloodshot eyes. They'd have to do something about that before the meeting later today. "Four-eyes just took advantage of the situation for a little while, that's all," Levi finished, lifting the teacup with his fingertips.

Erwin blinked. "I'm not sure what you—"

"Just drop it, Erwin," Levi said, sighing into the teacup. "It's not like I didn't already know that you were a weird old man."

Erwin smiled at that, picking up his coffee mug. "All right, Levi. I trust you."

"Tch. It's not about trust—"

Levi was cut off by Hanji sitting down next to him, plates rattling. She had deep circles under her eyes, and was squinting at everything through her glasses. Her face also looked a bit green. Levi scooted a little down the bench away from her.

"You know," Hanji said, "I feel like we got closer last night." She reached out an arm, pulling Levi closer to her before he could get any further away. Levi wrinkled his nose. She still smelled like alcohol.

"Don't you think so, Erwin?" Hanji continued, raising her voice a little.

Erwin's eye twitched, and he rubbed the side of his head. "I don't really remember, so I can't say," he said.

"Well, I think I learned something new about you," Hanji said, smiling. "What about you, Levi? Do you think that we got closer?"

"I think that I already knew that you're both weirdos. Let go of me." Levi twisted his way out of Hanji's grip, smoothing his hair back down once he was free. Hanji continued to grin at them both.

Erwin took a long drink from the coffee mug. "All the same, I think you'll both forgive me if I avoid drinking for a while," he said.

"Good. I don't feel like cleaning ink stains out of your floor again," Levi said. Erwin furrowed his brow, confused.

"Levi," Hanji said, now squinting at her breakfast, "did I do something weird to my boots last night?"

"Like what?" Levi asked.

"Like…wear off all the finish on the toes?"

Levi took a sip from his tea. "Your boots have always looked like crap, shitty glasses."