Just a heads up, but this is NOT canon. There will be unusual pairings, some foul language from Sheldon (not without reason, though) and Raj is a, well….let's just say he can talk to women, but he probably shouldn't. ;)

"Dr. Cooper, do I need to remind you of what happened during the last fund raiser?" President Seibert ran a hand over his eyes and sighed heavily. "If you weren't a huge asset for the school I would ban you from attending."

Sheldon glared at his boss. "President Seibert, you cannot blame me for that. The woman called me a rocket scientist!"

"You didn't have to call her a bouffant wearing baboon!" he yelled. "She is a very well respected woman in the community and her donations alone funded Leslie Winkle for a year!"

Sheldon crossed his arms. "I did not say she was a baboon. I said her intelligence was below that of a baboon."

Seibert slumped in his chair. "Cooper, you want additional funding. In order to get it, you will have to learn to play nice with the donors. Now, I am going to give you two choices. The fund raiser is in 3 weeks. You can either learn some manners, or you can stay home and let Hofstadter, Winkle and Kripke snatch up the money. Because I swear to god if you insult one more alum, donor, visiting lecturer, or even an undergrad, I will send you on a sabbatical to Brazil!"

Sheldon recoiled in horror. "You cannot do that! Brazil is filled with arachnids and amphibians! There are diseases there that haven't even been discovered yet!"

Seibert leaned forward and smiled evilly. "Exactly."

XTBBTX

Sheldon sat down at the table and glared at his tray. The meeting with Seibert had not went well, the literary club had once again stolen half of his white boards, and now, the cafeteria had run out of fries, and given him tater tots instead.

"Problem?" Sheldon looked up at Howard and Leonard. They were the closest thing he had to friends. They lived across the hall from him. They shared a few similar interest, such as comics and sci-fi. Although they seemed to be obsessed with clubbing, something he found tedious at best.

"President Seibert has informed me that if I cannot "play nice" with donors I will be sent to Brazil." Sheldon griped. "Is it my fault I find it hellish to whore myself out for funding?"

Howard smirked. "Sheldon, all you have to do is smile, nod and say "thank you ma'am, may I have another" when they grope your ass."

Sheldon shuddered fiercely. "Do not mention that. Mrs. Feinstein also tried to latch onto my penis with her claws."

Leonard looked at Sheldon carefully. "I might have a solution," he said in a low voice. "If you're willing to spend a bit of time and money."

Sheldon studied the man across from him for several seconds. "I'm listening."

XTBBTX

Sheldon looked at the card Leonard had given him and then at the door of the apartment in front of him. Was he really going to do this? He thought of the way Winkle had lorded her funding over him all year long. He squared his shoulders and knocked on the door resolutely. After a moment the door swung open.

Sheldon was stunned. She was not what he was expecting. She was about 23 or 24. Blonde hair pulled into pigtails. Her eyes were a deep hazel with flecks of gold. She was….gorgeous.

"You're Leonard's buddy?" she asked with a frown. "Not what I was expecting, to be honest."

Sheldon frowned at her. "What were you expecting?"

She shrugged a shoulder. "He said crotchety, anal, and gruff. I expected some old guy. Like Tommy Lee Jones from MIB."

"I am not crotchety!" Sheldon declared tersely.

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, now I see it. Well, come on in, sweetie. Let's see what I have to work with." She walked into the apartment, leaving the door open. Sheldon hesitated for a moment and then slumped slightly. He really wanted that funding.

He entered the vestibule and closed the door behind him. He was shocked by the apartment. The living room was a riot of color. One wall was bright orange. Another an electric blue. The wall around the wide windows was filled from floor to ceiling with balloons. It resembled a carnival game. The last wall was black. Sheldon frowned and moved closer to it. His eyes widened in wonder. It was a blackboard. A huge blackboard. There was a small bowl on the table in the corner filled with colored chalk.

He turned to the woman standing by the couch. She was watching him closely. Sheldon blushed slightly at her appraisal. She gestured to a chair and he walked over. He sat tentatively but hopped back up.

"I don't like that chair," he said as he moved to the couch. He tried all three cushions before moving on to the armchair and then the recliner. None of them suited him. He could see her staring curiously from the corner of his eye. Finally she sighed and grabbed the armchair. She moved it to the right and angled it slightly.

"Here," she said. "Sit. Now."

Sheldon glared but sat down. It was now acceptable. No glare from the window or lamp, she was not directly in front of him, but at an angle that allowed easy conversation, without staring, and he was not crowded.

She smiled and handed him a folder. "You can call me Penny. This is the contract for my services. Payment is up front. I do not take checks. Cash, insurance or credit card only. If you miss a session without giving me 24 hour notice, you still pay."

Sheldon read over the contract quickly. It was fairly straight forward. He did have one question, though. "It says here that I would be responsible for providing disposable equipment in the case any is required. What does that mean?"

Penny smiled. "Nothing that concerns your case. You will not be needed that. Your case is strictly behavioral not sexual."

Sheldon stared at her with a stunned expression. "Sexual? Are you a …"

Penny spoke calmly. "I am a sexual surrogate. A certified sex therapist. I also deal with intimacy and behavior problems. I am not a whore."

Sheldon blushed fiercely. He stood abruptly and twitched. "I do not think I…..um, I should be…..please excuse me. I must go." Without another word he hurried out the door and raced from the building. Sheldon made it all the way home before he realized he still held the folder in his hands.

XTBBTX

He knocked on the door of 4A and fidgeted. The door opened and Howard smirked at him. "Why hello, Sheldon. What a surprise. Please come in. How was your afternoon?"

Sheldon looked at Howard with confusion. "It is Halo night. Why is it a surprise I am here?"

Leonard moved from the kitchen to the armchair. "You look a bit upset. What's wrong?"

Sheldon huffed. "Why did you not tell me that the woman you suggested was a…..therapist for coitus?"

Howard turned to Leonard. "Told you he'd freak, honey. You owe me $50."

Leonard laughed uproariously. "She's just a therapist, Sheldon. Yeah, some of her clients have sex hang ups, but most are people like you, who need social help. It's not like she's a hooker on a street corner."

Sheldon ignored the flush on his cheeks. "She has sex with people for money. It is essentially the same thing."

"She didn't with me," Leonard said casually. "Not that I would have objected." Howard smacked Leonard's bottom and muttered "slut" good-naturedly.

Sheldon's jaw dropped. "You are her client?"

Howard smirked again. "Both of us have been to her. She helped me with my Oedipus complex. She's helped Leonard with his inferiority tendencies. She also helps us on occasion when we have problems in our relationship. She's good. Just because she helps people with more intimate problems doesn't mean she can't help with more abstract problems, too."

Leonard picked up the phone to call in their pizza order as he placed the last nail in the coffin. "It's up to you, of course, but if you want those donations, you better find someone to help you learn how to get along with people."

Sheldon sighed, knowing they were right. He had researched sexual surrogates before coming over. Coitus was not the only methods used by the therapist. It was still an uncomfortable area for him to think about though.

XTBBTX

He stared at the sign on the door for several seconds. He wondered if it meant what his wretched imagination was insisting it meant.

IN SESSION. QUIET PLEASE.

He looked at the chair across the hall, by the window. Should he wait? Should he leave and come back later? Sheldon sighed. He knew if he left he might not work up the courage to come back. He sat stiffly and examined the hallway. There were only three other apartments here. He wondered about the other occupants. How did they feel about their neighbor? Did they even know their neighbor? He only knew three others in his building. Mrs. Vartebedian lived on the third floor. Howard and Leonard lived across from him and beside him in 4D was an older man, Mr. Lyons.

Sheldon jumped slightly when the door suddenly opened. Penny stepped out with a young woman. She spared him only a glance before smiling pleasantly at the brunette before her. "You should be very pleased, Sandy. You have made a lot of progress. Now, I want you to keep up with the journal and I'll see you next month, okay?"

The woman smiled shyly and nodded. "Thank you. I'll try, I promise." Then she hurried away.

Penny turned to Sheldon and waved him in. He shuffled into the apartment, feeling a bit like a schoolboy about to see the principle. Penny closed the door behind him and moved to adjust the chair for him. He nodded his thanks and sat down. He pulled the folder from his messenger bag and handed it to her along with his credit card. Penny scanned the card and handed it back.

Penny took a seat and faced him. "I did not expect you to come back."

Sheldon looked down at his lap. "I researched your profession and came to the conclusion that I may have acted hastily."

Penny tilted her head. "It bothers you a great deal, doesn't it? Apologizing. You do not handle being wrong with much grace or humility."

Sheldon gave her an exasperated look. "I am seldom incorrect."

Penny laughed. "Oh, you're going to be a treat to deal with." She stood and moved to the desk. When she returned she handed him a schedule. "This is a tentative itinerary. I will adjust it to suit your work schedule. We have 19 days to impart empathy and/or thoughtfulness in you. At the very least, you need to learn to fake it."

Sheldon frowned at the paper. "What good will going to the mall and museum trips do to help?"

Penny crossed her legs and leaned her arms on her knee. "You need to learn how to interact with strangers without being condescending or annoying. The more you deal with people, the faster you learn. Now, like I said when you called to make today's appointment, this session will be two hours long. You and I are going to the park across the street. We will conduct the rest of our session there."

Penny stood and picked up a sweater from the back of the couch. She turned to see Sheldon glaring at her. "Well? Are you coming or not?"