Life Without Him
Summary: Kathrine Beckett had no idea how to carry on after this. 14 moments following 6x23, spoilers.
1.
Her wedding dress should have been removed with the help of Castle. She knew this. Months had been spent imagining how Castle would stand behind her and unbutton the back of her dress slowly, standing close enough so that she would be able to feel the heat radiate from his body.
The bathroom was cold. As the air hit her skin she wondered if the convulsions that shook her body would upset her stomach. Her limbs fet heavy, her head like cotton. Lanie had filled the tub with hot water that Kate submerged herself in. All she coul think about was that bath she and Castle had taken together in this tub, where he had massaged her feet, and kissed each of her toes.
His smile was only a memory.
That thought was like a knife through her heart.
2.
3 days since his disappearance and she stands in front of a board much like the murder board back at 12th. It's out of their jurisdiction, but it doesn't matter to her. The Hampton PD tried to keep her at bay, but she knew that she needed to be there.
New York was too big without him, and the house in the Hampton felt like it was haunted. The only place where she felt close to him was in that police department.
When she was able to find the plate number of the car that had driven Castle off the road they gave her a chair to sit in. At that point they knew that they'd spend too much energy trying to see her out, and to allow her to grieve the way she needed to.
All she knew, and she knew it with her whole soul, was that Richard Castle was alive.
Evidence be damned.
3.
The dreams of him were vivid. Two weeks after she woke up from a dream of him shining like an angel, telling her he loved her. Before she was able to reply she woke up with tears running down her face.
It was Alexis that crawled up in her bed after that. There was something about the redheaded young woman that made Kate feel as if she would be okay eventually.
4.
It was 5 weeks after the wedding that she took the test. A white stick with a pink plus sign that reset all of the progress she had made. Like a dam broke she fell apart in the New York apartment bathroom floor.
When Martha found her, she didn't help her up. Instead she joined her on the floor and wiped Kate's tears. Kate could not imagine what it would be like to lose her son, she hoped she would never have to know it. Everyday she marveled at Martha's ability to keep going.
She whispered to Martha, asked how she did it, and her answer was so simple it broke Kate all over again.
"You just do it".
5.
She knew he was alive out there. When the doctor confirmed that she was pregnant, prescribed prenatal vitamins and booked the first apartment, she knew that it was impossible that he was gone, forever.
They were going to have a baby, he could not be dead.
6.
Ten weeks.
They told her they have nothing new when she visited the Hampton police department. Nothing that suggested it was not Castle in the car, nothing that said who caused it, why they did it. Why Castle.
She had been strong for a while, tried to do it like Martha did. The ability to keep it together was held together by a small string, one that snapped in that police department.
She screamed at the police officer in charge, called him every name in the book, called him incompetent, until he had had enough. They only put her in the cell for less than an hour. Enough time for her screaming to quiet down, for her violent sobs to die out. When they let her out she felt as if she was made out of lead and her whole body ached.
Alexis was the one who met her outside of the doors, drove her to the Hampton house. They ordered pizza and sat in front of the TV the whole night. Neither could sleep knowing that Castle wasn't out there.
7.
The ultrasound picture was much more clearer that she had expected it to be. A profile picture of a small baby, the last imprint Castle had made on earth. When the technician asked her if she wanted copies she asked for three more.
One for Martha and Alexis.
One for her father.
And one to bury in the ground where they spread Castle's ashes.
8.
When he kicked in her stomach she wanted to turn around and ask Castle to feel it. She kept imagining him there next to her in bed. Alexis couldn't sleep there anymore, each night Kate woke up to see a figure beside her the hope rose, that it was just a terrible dream. There were only so many times she could fall back into grief again like that.
The name Cosmos keeps popping up in her head, and she called him that. If Castle had been there she would have fought him on the name. She had imaginary fights in her head, and she imagined that he would ask the baby to kick if he liked the name. She knew their baby boy would kick, he was so active.
It took a while for Kate to tell people, but at 22 weeks her stomach is too big to say it's anything else than pregnancy.
9.
Alexis vetoed the name Cosmos, and Martha agreed.
It was 24 weeks since Castle died, and Kate could almost admit that it was what happened that day. Kate almost disagreed with them, that Castle wanted a boy to be named Cosmos.
They knew though, despite being new to grief, that the debt you owe to the dead is only as burdening as you chose it to be. She needed to lighten the load. She didn't owe him to name their baby a name she hated. It didn't mean he would see their son, it didn't mean he would know that their son existed.
No matter what she did, Castle would be gone forever.
10.
They hold the memorial, eventually.
Thirty weeks since he died. No days. Three pm comes and goes, and nothing happens. The people come with flowers and condolences.
They were supposed to be 7 months married now. Christmas was just a few days away, and people still found time to show up. Ryan brings his daughter, and Sarah Grace looks a picture in her gray dress. She was almost a year old, and she remembered that the year before children were only an abstract thought in her mind.
She kept thinking that Castle would have loved to be a father again. She kept thinking that their baby would not get to play with him like he played with Alexis.
Even her fingers hurt.
11.
In her dreams Castle holds their son, and he calls him Matthis.
12.
It's February when he's born. It's in the early morning and Alexis is the one who stayed by her side. Matthis Cosmos Castle looks like him so much she weeps at the sight of him. There he was, all this time. A part of him existed in their little boy.
13.
A year, and she almost fumbled on the threshold of the date. Alexis, Martha, Kate, and Matthis take the trip to the Hampton and spent the weekend there. At 3pm she stood at the corner of the yard, overlooking the view that she should have seen the year before.
He would have cried, she knew that. She would have cried, she knew that.
When she closed her eyes she imagined that Castle hugged her to him, and looked at the view, too That he would tell her that it was the best year of their life.
14.
When their son asked about his father Kate would smile, and tell the story of how Richard Castle loved with his whole heart, and never let go of the child inside.
Their son was so much like him.