Chapter 1

AN- Well, I didn't originally intend to publish this, considering just how many other fics I'm working on (CURSE YOU HPTM FOR GIVING ME WRITERS BLOCK!). I've already done one Nuzlocke run of Emerald but with my lack lustre drawing skills I never bothered doing a comic or anything. Hell, I have a half finished Leaf Green run on the go. But on the spur of the moment I decided to replay Black as a Nuzlocke run and decided to write this so that I could expel any crack or plot bunnies that I wanted in an only semi-serious fic. So enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon, because if I did we'd have a post apocalyptic adventure starring Pikachu and Ash, which people would probably either love or hate. More than likely the latter.

This is the tale of a boy named Jim. It is a story told many times before, but it is still just as vital to be told now as it ever was, and I shall tell it. For it chronicles how he made many friends, fought for glory and for triumph, to see his challenge through to the very end... and of how he lost so much along this path. Yes, Jim is hardly alone in his quest to defeat that which is revered and despised alike, but his adventure is just as important as everyone else's, because everyone has a story to tell, and this is his. This is the tale of how Jim was Nuzlocked, and it all began with the morning after a wild party...

Jim woke up with a terrible headache. He didn't know what he had done to deserve the brass orchestra marching through his weary head, but they were definitely marching. Now finding himself awake, Jim wondered two things: just where the hell was he, and what the hell had he smoked/drunk the night before to get him in such a state?

"Hello there, glad to meet you! Welcome to the world of Pokemon!" Declared an elderly voice. The darkness before Jim parted to reveal an old man with a lab coat on. "My name is Oak! People affectionately refer to me as the Pokemon professor!"

Jim blinked in confusion at Oak. He was really wondering what he had been smoking and/or drinking the previous night. "Seriously? I'm having a hallucination about Pokemon... cool."

"Now tell me, are you a boy or are you a girl?" Asked Oak, clearly not paying any attention to the one he was lecturing to.

Jim took one look at himself. "Well what the hell do you think?"

"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?" He asked, still not heeding the boy's words.

"No, really. I'm stood right in front of you! How can you not see what my gender is?"

"Are you a-"

"GGGAAARRGGHHH! Do I LOOK like a girl to you then?"

"So you're a girl?"

"What? NO! Of course I'm not!" Protested Jim.

"So you're a-"

"Yes! Now get on with it!" Jim knew what was coming. He had played Pokemon enough times to realise where the hallucination was taking him...

"So what is your na-"

"ENOUGH already, old man!" With a dramatic kick to the face of a certain Professor, a third person entered the scene. "Seriously, time's a tickin'! I'm taking over!"

"Who are you again? Are you a boy or are you a girl?" Oak looked at his assailant curiously, and felt the need to specifically ask her gender.

"Get out of here already!" In the nonsensical way dreams often are, Oak disappeared, leaving Jim alone with the woman, who also wore a lab coat.

"So then..." Began Jim, looking at the woman. "Is this going to be one of those dreams then?"

"Of course not!" Retorted the woman Jim identified as Professor Juniper, the woman in charge of all major introductory exposition in the Unova region. "Look, do you want to have an adventure or not?"

"Not really."

"Well tough luck, you're having one~" She answered in an overly cheerful way. "So asswipe, what's your name?"

"What's it to you?" Jim snapped.

"What. Is. Your. Name. Asswipe?"

"You're the only ass here."

"Fine. I gave you a chance. I'm now calling you Asswipe." The tree named woman declared.

"Asswipe?" Asked Jim. "Asswipe? What sort of person names someone Asswipe?"

"You'd be surprised considering just how often old Oak is persuaded to call his grandson insulting names." She explained. "Anyhow, Asswipe, on with the show!"

"My name is not Asswipe."

"Well tough shit punk! Anyway, we live in a world where people trap small, fluffy animals in small capsules and then force them to fight one another to the death. Using a Pokeball is simple! Its just like throwing a rock at someone!"

"OUCH!"

"See?" Answered Juniper after having lobbed a stone at Jim's face. "Really simple. Have another demonstration!"

"OUCH!"

"See? Its easy!"

"Stop throwing rocks at me! I get the picture!"

"Good! Anyhow, Pokemon and people and friends and ponies and stuff and bladhi-bladi-bla..." Juniper rounded off, having decided that her scripted lines were filled with too many friendship clichés.

"So can we get this dream over with?" Interjected Jim. "I have stuff to do."

"Fine with me!" Yelled Juniper once more, since she was seemingly written without the ability to speak in regular tones. "We all know how this goes, Asswipe! Pokemon adventure, stop the villainous Team, win the Elite Four, beat the Champion and bully your rival/friends, then steal their money, y'know, the usual."

"Yes?"

"So fancy going on an adventure?"

"Well why not." Decided Jim. "Mum will wake me up, so I might as well proceed with this dream."

"Sure!" Juniper leered down at the smaller boy. "Now, how about we make things interesting?"

"Interesting how?" Jim queried.

"Simple... LETS DO A NUZLOCKE RUN!" Insisted Juniper.

"Never heard of one." Jim vaguely thought it was to do with a comic or the internet or something, but he only played Pokemon as a hobby and because his mum was too scared of age ratings to buy him Call of Duty like all the other kids in his class got.

"Then listen up Asswipe, Nuzlcoke for Dummies 101 is now in session!" From the sky dropped a chalkboard. Flourishing a stick of chalk Juniper had pulled from her labcoat, she began to draw. "You have three rules! ONE! You may only capture the first Pokemon in any area that you visit!"

"What if you get a Bidoof or something? I HATE Bidoof's!"

"Then tough luck! Its yours!" And with that a cartoon Bidoof was upon the board, with a huge line pointing to a stick figure, with the annotation of 'ITS YOURS NOW!' "You knock your encounter out, tough! No second try, wait until the next route!"

"Go on." Urged Jim, getting curious.

"TWO! Nickname all captured Pokemon for friendship and other family friendly reasons!" The name 'Derek' appeared next to the Bidoof.

"Continue..." Seemed legit so far, Jim already named all of his team.

"And finally..." Stated Juniper in a shockingly dark declaration. "If a Pokemon faints, its dead. Gone. Shuffled out of this Mortal Coil. Burned out. No Revives, no second chance, no replays. Its forever Permaboxed, released, gone to the fluffy white Poke-House in the sky!"

"I get it!" Said Jim. "Seems simple enough. Then again, why should I play with such risks?"

"For the thrill of the challenge. For the glory of victory. And for the friends you will make along the way, those that you didn't ask for but got anyway, those that are more precious to you knowing that you could loose them at any moment..."

Jim thought of the idea of just how difficult it would be to finish a Pokemon game, normally considered easy to most fans, when he couldn't accept a single loss and when his valued team could die in any battle at the hands of an unlucky critical hit.

"Why the hell would I do that? It seems remarkably masochistic."

"Because Wuss says what now?"

"Wha?"

"Exactly! You chicken? Fancy going Kentucky? Gonna back out now?" She taunted. "Come on~ I thought you were tough man? Thought you were up for anything? Well all I can see is a wuss, eh Asswipe?"

"Stop calling me that!"

"So gonna wuss out? Its only a Nuzlocke after all..."

Well if that was the case, why did Jim have a sudden feeling of forebearing upon looking upon Juniper's curiously maleficent face? Then again, it was only a dream any way, and even if it wasn't, Jim wasn't going to let anyone just get away with calling him Asswipe! He'd finish this so-called Nuzlocke Challenge, just to wipe the smirk of the hallucinatory face in front of him.

"Fine! You're on!" Declared Jim, pointing his pointing finger in the exposition lady's face. "So Take That, because I'm gonna kick this things ass!"

"No turning back if you go through with this. You have to go through with it to the very bitter end."

Another ominous passage. "Yes."

"Lovely!" Cackled the professor. "Lovely! I look forwards to seeing how this goes!" She took a deep breath, then declared far too loudly "YOUR CHALLENGE BEGINS NOW! LETS GO VISIT THE WORLD OF POKEMON... and the despair that you shall soon feel." She finished in an almost too quiet whisper for Jim to hear.

Hear he did though, and with that solemn declaration he whited out...

XXXXXXXXX

Jim woke up to realise that he was not in his own room, on his own bed. Instead he was stood in a bedroom he had never visited before, and there was a boy he didn't know prodding him in the face. "Earth to Joey! Are you in there?" The glasses wearing boy asked. "Come on! We're getting our Pokemon today?"

"Hang on a second, where am I?" Began Jim in confusion. "Pokemon? So I'm still dreaming?"

"Now where the hell is Bianca?" Added the boy, still prodding Jim in the face.

"Seriously, you can stop poking me now." He didn't stop. "That was me asking you to stop."

He still didn't stop.

"WWAAARRGGHHHH!" Came a most definitely female voice from the stairway behind Jim. Somehow a girl had tripped up the stairs and was now sprawled on the floor. "Damn the floor, its like the ceiling... only upside down! And with more malice! And greater desire the conquer the world by tripping people up!"

Jim idly wondered what she was smoking, because whatever it was, it was probably better than what he used.

"Hey Bianca!" Declared the male with a tuff of hair which stood up from the rest which really irritated Jim.

"Heya Cheren!" Greeted Bianca, having gotten up after she stopped cursing the floor. "And look, its our best friend!" Jim suddenly felt a great chill, like he was in serious danger and should get the hell out of Dodge. "BEST FRIEND!" And with that cheer she leapt at Jim and wrapped him in a tight hug, probably breaking several bones in the process.

"I think I blacked out for a moment." Though Jim sadly as he was still being strangled. "How could things get worse?"

"Hey Asswipe? Asswipe? Asswipe? Asswipe?" Poked Cheren.

"Apparently it can." Jim sighed. "I nearly forgot Juniper named me Asswipe. Well, this sucks. At least the air is leaving me so quickly my suffering shall soon be over..."

Jim spoke to soon. Bianca released him from her tight embrace, allowing him to breathe in some sweet, sweet air. "HAH! PANT! You nearly killed me, woman!"

"Tehe!" The absent minded girl... tehe-ed? Yes, well, Bianca tehe-ed? "I'm just showing you how BEST FRIEND we are for each other!"

"And out of curiosity, how would one go about stopping being best friends?"

"There is no escape." Informed Bianca with a smile. "Best friends... forever... ever... ever... ever... ever." Jim wasn't imagining it, the phrase was so terrifying that it was actually echoing around him.

"Indeed." Cheren told Jim, having joined Bianca in the chant, reiterating the message with a prod after every syllable. "Best. Friends. Forever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever."

Prod. Prod. Prod. Prod. Prod. Prod. Prod.

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!" And Jim had only know the duo for less than a minute. It was really sad. Jim ran for the stairs, only for Cheren to intercept him.

"You can't leave, best friend. You must stay."

"I want to go!"

"But Thou Must pick a Pokemon!"

"Then if I go over to that package where the starters are stored, can I leave?"

"Hmmm..." Puzzled Bianca. "I guess. After you win the obligatory Rival battl-"

Jim had sprinted for the starters almost as soon as Bianca confirmed.

"If it gets me away from those two, I don't really mind going on this Nuzlocke run thing, especially since this is all just a dream... regardless, those two are so scary that this is becoming a nightmare!"

"Lets see," Began Jim upon opening the box, revealing the three spheres containing the Pokemon. "If I'm not mistaken, there's a pig, a snake and an otter thing. Well, I'm certain that either Snivy or Tepig would make a welcome addition to my team, so imagine if I went for Oshawott..." Jim realised his mistake almost instantly. "I said that out loud, didn't I?"

"Yep!" Bianca happily dove past him and swiped the ball containing Tepig, while Cheren took Snivy with a cheerful 'yoink!'.

"I guess we'd better get this rival fight out the way." Grumbled Jim, looking distastefully at his chosen starter.

"Gooooo Tepig!" Cheerfully called out Bianca as she threw the Pokeball. From its depths leapt the small pig Pokemon.

"Well, come on out then." Jim threw his own ball, revealing the small water type inside.

"I wuv you mastwr." Beamed the otter to his trainer in a vaguely cute fashion.

"Meh." Jim was not impressed.

"Wuuuuvvvv youuu~"

As his Pokemon tried to hug his leg instead of trying to attack the other small creature he was up against, Jim wished that he had selected Tepig. Because Tepig was awesome.

"Not now!" Insisted the recently appointed trainer. "Quick, time for a very potent strategy... TACKLESPAM!"

"Tackle!" Responded Bianca.

After a few turns of the two Pokemon Tackling, Oshawott came out the victor. Somehow. Jim didn't know how, but he had. Maybe amongst all the posturing the otter had got a critical or something. Jim didn't really mind. He got some EXP and he was one fight away from escaping his 'best friends'.

"Come on out Snivy!" Declared Cheren, immediately deciding to take his potshot at the other starter. The grass snake Pokemon that Jim had initially wanted to use was brought onto the battlefield. Well, by 'battlefield' it was more accurate to call it a 'ruined bedroom', but it wasn't Jim's so he didn't care.

"Mwastr~" Pleaded Oshawott. "Can I 'ave a huuuuggg?"

"No." Deadpanned the boy. "Now fight your fellow starter!"

"Can we be fwends?" Asked Oshawott eagerly.

Snivy's response was to use Tackle. Repeatedly. Apparently Snivy wasn't very keen on the idea.

Another few turns later, Oshawott had again claimed victory. Jim really didn't care how how. He was too busy running down the stairs, hastily picked up Oshawott in tow.

"SEE YOU SOON, BEST FRIEND!"

"Hi sweetie!" The player's Mother character shouted out to the boy she had no problems going off alone and having adventures. "Bye sweetie! Have a nice time enslaving animals and picking fights with crime syndicates!"

"THANKS... I GUESS?"

Then Jim was out of the house and tasting the fresh smell of freedom, freedom and Nuvema Town. "I suppose that I need to go to the lab first or else Cheren will no doubt magically appear to stop me leaving the town."

"Mast'r~"

"Why am I talking to you anyway?" Remarked Jim, realising that he had been talking to the otter still in his arms.

"'Cause yoouuu wuuuvvvv meee?"

"No."

The look on the Oshawott's face was reminiscent of a kicked puppy. A kicked starving puppy. Being kicked off a cliff. By Mother Teresa.

"Oh, hey Asswipe!" Greeted Juniper when Jim entered her lab.

"Shut up and give me the Pokedex before they catch up!" Insisted Jim.

"Nah, I might just give you ANOTHER friendship speech until they arrive! In fact, it might be for the best that you all travel... together... together... together... together..." Again he heard that weird echoing sound, and hoped desperately that it wasn't as ominous as it sounded to him.

"Juniper, I don't care what it takes, finish this quick!"

"HEY! I wonder if we should head to the lab to get our Pokedex's!?" Came the distant voice of Bianca from outside.

"YES! Let us walk there... slowly... for dramatic purposes, obviously."

"You're no fun." Decided Juniper. "Fine. Nickname your Pokemon and you can be off."

Jim pondered for a moment, then settled on "Simon."

"Meh. Sounds like a sissy name to me, but its up to you, Asswipe!"

"My name is NOT Asswi-"

"We're nearly at the lab! Lets slow down a bit more... for DRAMA!"

"And here's your Pokedex! Hell, take some Pokeballs too while you're at it. Now, off you go Asswipe, I'll hold those two back for a bit! So have an adventure!" Juniper's wide, mocking grin was unexpectedly gone, and for a few moments she was absolutely serious "And remember the rules... you wouldn't want to know what happens if you try and break them.", and then the moment was over and the grin was back.

"Yeah, I get it already! Name my Pokemon, catch only the first, they faint they die! I get it! Now come along Simon!"

"Yessir!~" Agreed the Oshawott cheerfully. "Advenchure Time!"

Jim swore as he left the lab and approached Route 1 to stop his Pokemon butchering the English language if it was the last thing he did.

Regardless, he had his first Pokemon, he had a goal (Run away from them and complete this challenge before he inevitably woke up from this strange but realistic dream) and he had the means. He was going to succeed, because if he was going to be called Asswipe by everyone he ever met, he was at least going to win so that he could rub it in their faces afterwards.

And so Jim began his adventure, with Simon in tow and his 'best friends' following him shortly behind. What was going to happen next on his magnificent Nuzlocke adventure? Dunno. Jim'll probably catch a Pidove or something. Anyhow, stay tuned for the next chapter of You've Been NUZLOCKED!

AN- Well, that sort of wrote itself. Hope you enjoyed, feel free to leave some criticism or words of encouragement, since every review motivates me. So until next chapter, Undying Soul out.