Disclaimer: Not my characters.

Rating is mostly for language but is always subject to change.

A/N: The story is loosely based on Edmond Rostand's Cyrano de Bergerac (and Steve Martin's movie remake of the play, Roxanne). The title is from a line in the play.

A/N 2: You might want to give this one a miss if you like Hook. Because I don't, and it shows (this is most definitely anti-CS). Robin is more or less ignored … well, he is a forgettable character anyway.

A/N 3: I've decided to post shorter chapters this time around, which means that updates should come more regularly. I apologize to everyone who is waiting for Trauma Team or Hide and Seek but my muse decided to take a detour, and if I ignore her, bad things happen. (Last time she packed her bags and went on a tequila binge in Mexico for four months.)

In the four months since the Savior had brought Maid Marian back from the dead – or as other people called it, the happy reunion of true loves – Regina had withdrawn from the town, preferring instead to spend her days in her mansion with her books, her thoughts, and her son, when he chose to come and stay with her.

And the town had let her be … even Emma, after a few weeks of daily attempts to apologize and somehow get Regina to forgive her. Regina had stopped opening the door after a week of the same muttered phrases, close to despairing at Emma's continued repetition of I'm so sorry ... and I didn't know ..., always combined with a defiant It was the right thing to do and you know it!, and finally an It's who I am, goddamn fucking hell, you can't be mad at me for that forever!

Regina had thrown the door in Emma's face after that last one and hadn't opened it again, even though Emma had been right. Regina hadn't stayed mad at her for bringing Robin's wife back from the dead because she hadn't really been mad about that in the first place. She just wished that Emma would understand that it wasn't the end of her brief relationship with Robin that was the issue; it was the betrayal Regina felt, the hurt that it had been Emma, had been someone she had come to care for … and care for so much more than Regina had ever thought possible.

The fact was that Regina Mills was in love with Emma Swan, and had been for a long time. She could still feel the pain in her heart from the year she had to spend apart from not just Henry but Emma as well. And the only reason she ever started anything with Robin in Storybrooke was that she had seen Emma running around with Hook all over her all the time. If there was no chance of Emma ever returning her feelings, she might as well try to find a happy ending somewhere else, and at least Robin had been a decent man, and he wasn't afraid of her. She probably would have gotten over that forest smell at some point, she figured. And then there was the whole destiny thing – according to Tink's fairy dust, she was actually meant to be with him, no matter how unreal it felt.

But Emma hadn't come back after that day, neither with more apologies nor with an insight into why Regina had really been so hurt. No, Emma had left her completely alone after Regina had thrown the door in her face, and so had anybody else except for Henry.

Which was why the insistent knocking on her door one Tuesday morning came as a huge surprise, and when Regina peeked out the window to see who dared disturb her – ignoring the surge of hope that it might be Emma – the surprise increased tenfold, and not in a pleasant way.

Hook.

What on earth could the handless wonder want from her? He had already gotten Emma, so what else was there? She opened the door against her better knowledge.

"To what do I owe this extreme displeasure?" she asked icily, eyeing him with all the disdain he deserved.

Hook didn't seem to care. "Your Majesty," he drawled.

"What do you want, Pirate?"

Hook put on his cockiest smirk. "I need a favor," he said confidently, going straight for the point. "I want you to help me woo Emma."

Regina hoped to hell that her shock wasn't too visible on her face. "Are you out of your deranged, pea-sized mind?" she ground out, her magic flaring up and heading straight for her hands which were already itching to throw a fireball at him for this cruel joke. She needed to take a deep breath to calm herself before opening her mouth again. "I don't like you, Pirate, and I never have. What makes you think I would do anything for you?" Especially that.

Hook mustered her. "Because she's been forgetting about her own happiness since we came back from the past," he finally said. "Since you stopped talking to her to be precise. For some reason she seems to blame herself for your mood."

"Maybe because what happened is her fault," Regina replied. "What does that have to do with you polluting my porch?"

The pirate started cleaning his hook against his coat, although Regina doubted the garment would do much. "She kissed me when we returned ... and not for the first time, I might add," he muttered. "But since then she has been avoiding me."

"She probably can't stand your smell," Regina snarked, waving her hand in front of her face. "You should try a shower and clean clothes for a change. Contrary to your belief, baths are actually not bad for you."

Hook didn't even react. "She said it's because I don't know who she really is," he stated. "She says we have nothing in common ... but we do."

"Oh?" Regina asked. "Like what?"

Hook smiled. "She's beautiful, I'm dashing," he replied. "We both love adventures, we're both very smart, we–"

Regina held up a hand to stop him before her eyes rolled so far back in her head that they took permanent residence there. "I get the point." But you don't, Pirate. "What is it you think I can do for you?"

"You owe Emma," Hook replied. "She shouldn't have to give up her happy ending just because she did what she thought was right."

"And you think you're her happy ending?" The thought made Regina's insides cramp uncomfortably and she didn't want to spend too much time thinking about the why but her mind told her anyway. Because if that is true, you are well and truly doomed.

"Obviously," Hook returned with a smirk. "I'm the best man she could get ... I even gave my ship up for her."

I gave her ten years of good memories, but do you hear me gloating about it? "You still haven't given me one reason why I should help you," Regina reminded him.

"Because I deserve her love," Hook replied in a tone that made clear that he thought the answer should be obvious. "Because I want her ... and I gave up–"

"... your ship for her, yeah, yeah, I know."

"Do it for her, if you won't do it for me, Your Majesty," Hook continued seriously. "She deserves to be happy, and I'm just the man to do it for her ... but she won't even listen to me these days, so I don't know how to convince her."

Regina bit her bottom lip while her insides continued churning. The thought that Emma could find happiness with Hook made her want to throw up, but if that was what Emma really wanted ... She barely managed to suppress a sigh. She wanted Emma to be happy but she wanted Emma to find happiness with her. Not Hook. Her. Regina had the sudden urge to laugh at the way her life had turned out. What a farce it has become.

"Are you going to help me or not?" Hook interrupted her musings.

This time Regina allowed herself a sigh as deep and dark as the sea. "What did you have in mind? I am not making you a love potion or anything else that involves magic."

"No, no, nothing of the sort," Hook replied immediately, holding up his hands. "What I want involves words and good penmanship, not potions and spells."

"Words? Penmanship?"

"Yes." Hook nodded hopefully. "I want to write her a letter. If she doesn't want to talk to me, I thought maybe words on paper might persuade her to give me a chance ... but I can barely spell my own name, let alone write the kind of letter that I want, the kind that makes her swoon and run into my arms."

"Why come to me? Why not just dictate your objectionable prose to someone and be done with it?"

"Because I can't express myself the way she wants me to ... I need to show her that I know her but I have no idea what she wants to hear. And I think you know what she's like, you know ... you could say what I can't put into words."

Regina wanted to slap him from one side of her porch to the other. Why on earth had Emma fallen in love with this idiot who didn't even deserve to be in the same room with her? He had no idea who Emma was, that much was clear. But whatever made Emma happy, right? And maybe, just maybe Hook would learn something about the woman he claimed to love along the way.

"Write down what you want to say and come back tomorrow," Regina heard herself say. "We'll go through it together."

With that she turned around and threw the door in Hook's face. She had a lot to think about.