I had a very unpleasant experience at the salon yesterday. It involved burns on my scalp and clumps of hair coming out… Fortunately, I have a LOT of hair, you can't see where some is missing. Anyway, since I have plenty of practice laughing at the bizarre things that sometimes happen to me, when I was issued a challenge to use a line from a movie, I knew just what to do. Actually, I used lines from both movies we talked about… let's see who can identify both?

I'd also like to throw out a challenge to anyone who's interested… Use any of the following three lines from "The Blues Brothers" in a story… "Boys, you got to learn not to talk to nuns that way.", "We're on a mission from God.", or "Are you the police? No, ma'am, we're musicians.".

Anyway, all the characters you recognize belong to JE. All mistakes are mine. I make nothing from this… except for the warm, fuzzy feeling I get when I read your reviews!

How the hell did an 80 year old felon using a walker manage to give a thirty-something bounty hunter the slip? I'd rather not say, but it wasn't my fault, I swear. Not that it matters. My mother will hear about it within minutes. It's not my fault it happened on the sidewalk next to the elementary school, but did it have to happen during recess? Of course it did, that's the way my life works sometimes.

My name is Stephanie Plum, and it hasn't exactly been a good day today. It all started when I was at the bonds office with Connie and Lula, catching up on the latest gossip. It seems that a certain police officer went to the pharmacy last night to get some ointment for a mysterious rash. Before you say anything, no. It wasn't my on again, off again boyfriend, Joe Morelli. We're currently on again, thank you very much. In fact, I think we both might almost be ready to start acting like mature adults, maybe. Anyway, Lula and I were trying to get Connie to tell us who it was when Joe poked his head in the door. "I saw your car out front, Cupcake. You got a minute?"

I smiled as I walked towards the door. "I don't know. I think I may need more than a minute." I kissed him hello and we walked over to where his POS cop car was parked by my POS Nissan Altima.

He leaned against his door. "I was thinking about what we were talking about last night, and I think you're right. We both need to grow up. The only way I see us committing to each other is if we stop playing around and get married. Neither one of us is getting any younger."

Married? Has he lost his mind? I never said we should get married! I said we should stop acting like children. Is he proposing? I don't see a ring. I think I might pass out. "Joe, I"

He stopped me. "Don't say anything right now, just think about it. I'll come over with dinner tonight and we'll talk some more." He gave me a quick kiss, hopped into his car, and left. I stood on the sidewalk, trying to get my brain to start working again.

Lula stuck her head out the door. "You gonna stand out there all day, or are you gonna come in and tell us what Supercop just said that has your mouth hanging open like that?" She stood there looking at me. I love Lula, from the tips of her genuine imitation Manolo Beatnik shoes to the top of her head, even if her hair is currently the same shade of poison green as her tiny spandex top. I think she's wearing a wig this time, but with Lula, you just never know.

I walked back inside and dropped onto the couch. Lula waived a Boston Cream donut under my nose. It worked better than smelling salts. I looked at the girls, and they could see the panic in my eyes. "girl, what happened out there?"

I took a deep breath. "Last night I told him that maybe we both needed to grow up. We were in the middle of a food fight! I meant that we should stop throwing food at each other." By now I was waving my arms around like a mad woman. "Now he tells me that the only way for us to grow up is to get married. How am I supposed to marry him when I'm in love with Ranger?" I stopped ranting and looked at Connie and Lula. By the identical deer in the headlights look they had, and the tingles at the base of my neck, I knew that Ranger was here. He probably heard my last comment. Crap.

He walked over to the couch, but I refused to meet his eyes. He squatted down in front of me so that I couldn't avoid him. Once he was sure he had my attention, he said, "I need to see you outside."

I followed him until we were hidden from sight in the alley behind the bonds office. I leaned against the wall, and he trapped me there, with his hands on either side of my head. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

I looked into his ebony eyes. "No."

He looked amused. "No?"

I wanted to push him away from me, almost as much as I wanted to pull him to me and never let go. I could feel the tears start to gather. "No."

His eyes bored into me. "Why not?"

I blew out a breath. "Because I couldn't take it if you pushed me away again."

The corner of his mouth tipped up, almost like he was thinking about smiling. "Is that what you think I'm going to do?"

I rolled my eyes. "It's what we always do, Ranger. Any time we get too close, we both turn in the other direction and run as fast as we can. You go into the wind and disappear for months at a time, and I." I couldn't say it.

"You what, Stephanie?"

"I run to Joe."

"Why?"

"I can't say it." The tears were threatening to fall.

He took my face in his hands and stroked his thumbs along my cheeks. "Tell me." I would think it was an order, but he said it so softly that I almost didn't hear him.

"Because he's safe. You once told me that I owned thirty percent of him. He owns even less than that of me. I go to him because it won't destroy me if we break up. Because I can only love you when you'll let me, and I can't ever lose you."

My tears were falling as his lips crashed into mine. I threw my heart and soul into the kiss. I prayed that he wasn't kissing me goodbye.

When we pulled apart, both my heart and mind were racing. Ranger tucked a curl behind my ear. "I'll see you tonight. I think we both need to talk."

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but at least he didn't tell me that he was leaving right now. All I could do was nod. We turned to leave the alley. Joe was standing there with his arms crossed, leaning against the building, watching us. "I came back to see if you wanted Chinese or Italian, but it appears that you'd prefer Cuban." Before anyone could say another word, he turned and left.

Ranger took hold of my arm. "Babe."

I shook my head. "No, I deserved that. I need to go."

He looked into my eyes. "I will be over later." I nodded and walked back around the building.

When I went inside, Lula took one look at me and said, "Girl, what happened now?

I just shook my head. "Connie, please tell me you have something for me."

She handed me a file. "All I got is Leonard McFoofl. He wandered around the neighborhood naked again. Probably forgot his court date. He's 80 years old and uses a walker. He shouldn't be too hard to catch."

I thanked her and turned to leave. Lula stopped me at the door. "No way you're going alone like that. I'll drive and you can tell me all about it on the way." I could argue with her, but she's right. I was a mess.

We drove around the streets of Trenton while I told Lula what happened. "Damn white girl, I don't know how you do it. I ain't never seen no one who can keep two of the hottest men in Trenton panting after you for years act so clueless when it comes to men. Now you listen to me and Lula'll fix things right up for you."

I was spared from Lula's advice when we drove right by Leonard, hobbling by the school on his walker. "Lula, stop the car!" She screeched to a halt at the opposite end of the street.

I got out of her car and headed towards him yelling, "Mr. McFoofl, wait. I need to talk to you." He didn't even slow down. I caught him by his coat just as we reached the corner. Before I could do more than grab his coat, Lula let out an unearthly shriek. It sounded like someone was trying to kill her. I whipped around to see lula trying to pull her hair out of a branch that hung low over the sidewalk. I turned to ask Mr. Mcfoofl to wait here, but he was gone. I was only holding his coat.

I ran back to where Lula was still struggling against the branch. By now most of the kids at recess were pressed up against the chain link fence, yelling at Lula. She was in tears, trying to get her hair out of the tree. When I reached up to help her, there was a tearing sound and Lula pitched forward, knocking us both down in a heap. All the kids started pointing and laughing at us. I could see why when I looked up. Lula's hair was still tangled in the tree, looking like a poison green spider web.

I stood up, untangled her hair from the tree, and handed what I now knew was a wig back to her. When she bent over to put it back on, some of the girls in the playground shrieked. I saw big, angry red welts on the back of her head. "Lula, what happened to your hair?"

She said, "It'll grow back." She turned to the children and said, "Don't worry kids, it'll grow back." The kids went back to playing. The show was once again over.

Lula and I climbed back into her Firebird. We found Leonard two blocks down the road, hobbling on his walker, stark naked. Apparently he didn't have anything on under his coat. We bundled him back up and drove him down to the police station. We decided to stop at the diner for pie before we went back to the bonds office. Once we were eating, I asked, "What happened to your hair?"

Lula frowned. "I wanted to change my color."

"Didn't you change it last week? You're not supposed to dye it that often."

"I know, but the last color was unlucky. My psychic told me so. Anyway, when Shirelle was putting the color in my hair, it started to burn. When she was rinsing it, it fell out in clumps." Lula was close to tears.

"Why would you do that to your hair?"

"Why? Because it looks good."

"But it's not good for you."

"I'm aware of that."

"But, why would you do something if you know it's not good for you?"

"Because I don't think about it."

"That's living in denial." I should know, I was the queen of denial.

"Living in denial?"

"Yeah."

"I'm aware of that."

"So you're aware of all your behavior, but you continue to do things that aren't good for you. That sounds sort of foolish, don't you think so?"

"Kissing Ranger in the Alley behind the bonds office right after Supercop told you that he wanted to marry you, that's foolish."

"I didn't think I'd get caught."

"Now that's living in denial." I'm afraid Lula was right, but denial and I were old friends. When she was done eating, she put her fork down. "Look. All bullshit aside, if you could have the man of your dreams walk in the door right now and tell you that he loves you, who would it be?"

I closed my eyes and I could see him. In my head he walked over to the table and took my hand. When I stood up, he kissed me and told me that he loved me. When I opened my eyes, a tear rolled down my cheek. I told her who it was. "Ranger."

She looked at me sympathetically. "Then you need to tell Joe."

I dropped my head and let the tears fall. Lula was right, but it didn't hurt any less. We drove back to the bonds office and Lula gave me a hug before I got into my car. I went to my apartment and packed everything of Joe's in a box. I drove to his house, but sat in the car. After about a half an hour, my phone rang. It was Joe. "Are you coming inside?"

I said yes and got out of the car. When I walked inside, Bob stayed where he was on the floor, looking at me with sad eyes. It seems like even he knew what was happening. Joe was sitting on the couch, his TV on, but muted. I sat on the other end of the couch. No one said anything. Finally, I broke the silence. "I'm sorry, Joe."

He turned off the TV. "We're not getting married, are we?"

I held back the tears. "It wouldn't be fair to you." Again, a heavy silence filled the house. "I guess I do have to grow up. I can't keep doing this to you, it's not right."

He looked at me. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

He looked down. "It's just not enough, is it?"

I shook my head. "No."

He stood. "I packed your things. They're in the kitchen."

"I have your stuff in the car."

He carried my box to the car for me. Once we exchanged boxes, I gave Joe a hug. He held me tight for a minute. When he pulled away, he said, "Deep down, I always knew it wasn't going to happen. I just hoped I was wrong."

Now the tears did fall. "I'm sorry." He turned around and walked back into his house, closing the door softly behind him.

(} {)

I walked into my apartment, ready to spend some quality time with my friends Ben and Jerry. There was a note on my living room table with an envelope under it. The note simply said, "I'll be there when you're ready". The envelope contained a first class ticket to Miami. The travel date was left open.

Getting over the loss of my relationship with Joe was harder than I thought it would be. I still love him, but I know I did the right thing. I missed Ranger, but I appreciated the space he was giving me to grieve.

Lula wore wigs for a month, each more outrageous than the next. It got to the point where I would be eager to get to the office in the morning, just to see what her hair looked like. One morning, she came in without a wig. Her hair was still very short, but it looked good on her. I asked her why she decided not to wear a wig. She said it was time. I couldn't get that out of my head. She was right, it was time.

I called the airline and got on the earliest flight I could manage. I was nervous and excited at the same time. Tank drove me to the airport and promised that the guys would look after Rex while I was gone.

Ranger was waiting for me at the airport. As soon as he pulled me into his arms, my nervousness fell away and everything felt right. He drove me to the Miami Rangeman office, where he has an apartment on the top floor. I took my suitcase to the bedroom while he poured us each a glass of wine. We stood on the balcony and I enjoyed the feel of the sun on my skin.

After a minute, he said, "I can't give you the white picket fence."

I looked out at the view. "I'd probably find a way to blow it up."

He thought about smiling. "I need you to understand, Babe. Will you listen?"

I nodded. "Do you know why I let you run back to Morelli?" I shook my head no. "Because I wanted you to have that. I wanted you to have the house and the kids and the dog, and I wanted you to be happy."

I started to speak, but he stopped me. "I thought about leaving. I thought that if I left you, that you could have those things." He looked at me. "But I can't let you go." I held him, breathing in the unique scent of Bulgari and Ranger. He wrapped his arm around me and stroked my hair. "My life is dangerous and crazy and all kinds of fucked up. I can't guarantee that I won't be called for a mission tomorrow, but I love you, and I can't lose you."

I kissed him. I couldn't care less about a white picket fence, the house, the kids, or the dog. All I wanted was him. He walked me back into the apartment and set our wineglasses on the table. He picked me up and carried me to the bedroom where he made love to me with a fierce passion.

We laid in bed. I had my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He kissed the top of my head and said, "I can't give you the white picket fence, but I can promise to love you for as long as you'll let me."

I can live with that.