All rights belong to E.L. James

"What's up Gay Grey? Have you sucked any off today" A guy from my gym class

says.

I try to ignore him.

"You know my dad told me something the other day. It was really interesting. He told me that you can tell if a person is gay or not by whether or not they like to be touched"

"Well then honey they should have no problems diagnosing you" I say

"Where are you headed? I hear they sell crack in the back of the school. Is that where you're going?" My face falls and hardens

" I was actually on my way to suck someone off if you wanted to join" I say my voice flat and start to walk off.

"Nah dude but really I wouldn't be surprised if that's where you were headed. Like mother like son right Christian" He laughs.

I stop dead in my tracks and let out all the rage in my body. I wailed on him and kept punching him…ooh it felt good. I had to be pryed off of him and I struggled to get out of their arms to do more damage.

So here I was sitting outside the principal's office for about the third time this week. Needless to say I loved to fight; with every punch thrown I felt like I was letting off a little bit of the anger that helplessly consumed me. It felt fucking good. My mother I knew would be disappointed in me but it seems like all I do is let her down so she really should expect this from me. I hear voices down the hall and I know who it is. I feel ashamed that my mother had to leave work again to deal with my shit. I look up and I'm shocked to see Elliot instead of my mother arguing with the principal. They look like there having a rather heated discussion and when the principal can't take anymore he just walks away.

"Are you fucking kidding me Christian? This is the third time this week. How long are you going to keep this up? Do you know what he just told me? He said you are on your last strike and if this happens again your going to expelled. How many schools what that bring us up to?" Elliot rants.

I stare blankly ahead of me not paying attention to his words. I zone him out because I know the pain and trouble I cause my family and I feel bad for them. Out of three children I am the only one who fucks up but can they really blame me when they're so perfect. I start to wonder if they regret adopting me. They have two beautiful children: Mia and Elliot would it really matter if I just disappeared?

"Christian are you paying any fucking attention to me?" Elliot breaks me out of my thoughts.

I get up and start to walk away but am pulled back by Elliot.

"No one asked you to come. I'm sorry I fucked up okay." I say through gritted teeth.

"I'm here because my mom called me because the hospital wouldn't give her any more time off to deal with this shit" he notices the anger and my face and decides to let it go for now. We walk silently to the car and thankfully Elliot is back to his happy self. "You are gonna love college little bro. Parties every night. Beautiful babes everywhere. I get laid every night. It's awesome." Elliot continues his speech in his attempt to get me to better myself so I will go to college. Elliot is in his freshmen year at WSU. The professors hate him because he is the only person they've met who can get drunk, come to class with a hangover and still ace everything he does. They would literally do anything to see him fail.

"How mad are they?" I ask Elliot.

"Pretty mad but its not too bad. Mom didn't cry this time" he jokes. He turns to me with a serious look in his eye "Why are you doing this Christian?"

"I was pissed Elliot, the kid said something stupid leave it at that" I say dodging the real reasons for everything I do.

We walk into the house and I wrapped in a tight hug by my little sister Mia. I tense at her touch but she is allowed to hug which is something no one else has the right to do.

"Mom's mad at you again. What did you do? Did you get into another fight? Oh Christian please stop fighting" she whispers and she's close to tears. I mentally kick myself this is what I do to my family. I cause them pain and I hate myself for that. Im bringing my fuckedupness to this family and its affecting them.
"I'll try Mia" I smirk at her hiding all the pain I feel inside.

"Christian can you come here for a second" my mother calls and I know its time to face her. Every step I take pains me and makes me feel more ashamed. I owe this woman everything and yet all I give her is stress. I walk into my dad's study and both my parents are sitting side by side with concern on their faces. I sit across from them and stare at the ground.

"Christian honey this has got to stop. Your growing up, it's not ok anymore to hit someone."my mom says and I hear the pain in her voice. "Is there a reason why the fight happened?"

I don't reply and let silence fill the air.

"The school said that you attacked this boy" My dad chimes in.

I still say nothing.

"You broke his nose and everything" he continues

"We're lucky the parents are not pressing charges and your hanging by a thread with the principal. Then what Christian? What are we going to do find another school? We're running out of those."

I don't even meet their gaze and continue to stare at the ground.

"For fucks sake Christian look at me when I'm talking to you" my dad yells. I have never heard my dad curse before and this forces me to meet his gaze but I avoid his eyes.

"This can not continue. What more can we do son. I'm doing the best I can to help you. Dr. Ross says you need a positive outlet for your anger" he rants. Fucking Ross the therapist I have been seeing who doesn't give a shit about anything except for my parents wallet. Most of our sessions end with me not saying a word and him continuing to ask me questions. I remember one time I asked him the questions he was asking me right back. It annoyed the shit out of him and I think it was our most productive session yet.

" My friend Mrs. Lincoln- do you remember her dear from the New Year's party- she has been renovating her house and needs someone to clean her yard from all the debris. I think that would help you let off some steam. She will pay you and you can earn some job experience. I think it would be good for you." My mother explains to me.

I look at both of my parent's faces and see the pain in them. I know this is not going to help me but I need to try for them.

"Okay" I whisper.

My mother smiles " Go wash up honey, dinner will be ready in an hour"

I leave my parents and walk into my room. I lock the door and find the bottle of my dad's whiskey under my bed. I take a long sip and feel some of the pain lift. I notice that I don't have much left. This job could be useful I could buy some bottles for myself and not have to sneak any out of the basement. I wish I could be more for my parents. They deserve more but all they got was me. I bet they wish they wouldn't have adopted me right about now. I continue to sip my whiskey and then slip it under my bed and brush my teeth. I hear laughter downstairs and think that's what they would be like without me : happy.