The Ties that Bind

By the Black Goddess

Disclaimer: Not mine. Angel/Xander (finally!) Don't like, don't read.

The feeling of freedom lasted about half a block before reality began to catch up with him. What had he done? He'd just yelled at his friends, called them all self-absorbed and told them he was leaving for ever. The evening's events hit him like a punch from a Slayer and he almost staggered, the rest of the walk home passing in a blur.

When he arrived at his basement, he let himself and collapsed on the bed. Trying to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach, he considered his options. He could swallow his pride, blame his outburst on grief, rejoin the remaining Scoobies and see how the future went. No. Uncertain as he might be about what to do next, Xander was sure that he didn't want to do that. He felt that all his points had been valid. The Scoobies were going to drift apart, had drifted apart, and going back was only postponing the inevitable. So. He had two, maybe three options. He could just pack up, get on a bus and stop where his money ran out, kind of like Buffy had done after the Acathla incident. He could stay with Angel 'til he got his own apartment in L.A, maybe work for Angel or maybe get another job but still see Angel. Xander already knew what he was going to do, but he made himself put the third option into words and pretend to consider it. He could stay in Sunnydale with Anya, without contact with Buffy. Nope, definitely not.

"So it's L.A. or the open road," he said aloud. The open road was definitely tempting, but he'd be alone there, with no one to help him if things went wrong. Xander had been involved in demon-slayage for too long to assume that he could go anywhere without getting into some sort of demon-bother.

"L.A. it is then," he said determinedly. "If Angel agrees, that is."

Angel returned a little while later, and gave Xander a questioning look.

"How'd it go?" he asked.

"I told them I was leaving," said Xander manner-of-factly.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I just sort of said it," Xander mused.

"What are your plans then?" asked Angel, regarding him impassively.

"Get a flat in L.A. then maybe work for you?"

"The flat part, sure, but I'm not sure about you working for me. I don't want you to get hurt." Xander looked at Angel intently, trying to work out whether the vampire was serious or not, but decided to pass over the comment.

"Then I'll get another job. It's not a problem," he said easily. "Especially if you can put me up until I get a place."

"I told you, you can stay as long as you like,"

"Don't tempt me!" grinned Xander. Angel looked shocked for a second.

"Joke, right?"

"Sorta, but you make me feel safe. Who could resist that?" Xander grinned, trying not to let his words feel too heavy.

"I'm not sure that's a compliment," Angel said, but since he was smiling, Xander assumed he hadn't taken offence.

"It was meant to be," he told him.

"I know." The two stared at each other for a moment which stretched until Xander said:

"Shall we go now or tomorrow evening?"

"Are you ready to go now?" asked Angel in surprise.

"Yep. I gotta call Anya and tell her I'm leaving, but then I'm ready."

"You do that. I'll stick this stuff in the car." Xander gestured to a couple of bags in the corner.

"That should be it," he said. Angel nodded and Xander reached for the phone.

Anya had obviously been waiting for his call.

"Why haven't you called me?" she demanded before he had time to say more than his name.

"I've had a lot on my mind," he said apologetically.

"I could have helped," she said, and Xander was struck by the genuine hurt in her voice.

"I'm sorry Anya, but I... I don't know how this other than just to tell you that it's over."

"What's over?"

"Us. I'm sorry Anya but I don't see this relationship going any further."

"You're breaking up with me? Over the phone?"

"I'm leaving Sunnydale," Xander told her, unable to make any more excuses.

"Is there someone else?" Anya asked.

"No, I just decided it was time for me to move on, I'm sorry Anya - it was fun while it lasted."

"Fine, I'll go see Spike. Get the sex he promised me."

"Spike!" exclaimed Xander in surprise. He swallowed. 'It doesn't matter. It's over between you and Anya, what she does is her business.' None the less, he was unable to keep the irritation out of his voice, and his tone was sharp as he snapped:

"Fine, you do that. Have a nice life." He hung up before she could say anything else.

"Spike?" queried Angel, who had obviously come back from stowing their stuff in time to catch that part of the conversation.

"He's been hitting on Anya," Xander said, surprised by his own reaction to that piece of information. "She's either about to screw him or turning up for a repeat performance." Glancing at Angel and mistaking the vampire's expression for one of pity, not one of jealousy, he said

"It doesn't matter, we're out of here now anyway. Come on." Angel shook himself, then followed Xander out.

Things were a bit awkward when they got back to Angel's apartment. The memory of their kiss hung between them, adding shades to the conversation and causing both of them confusion. Angel wasn't sure whether Xander now regretted the kiss, if he would want things to go any further, and he didn't want to take advantage of the younger man.

"He's having to adjust to a new life in a new place and the death of his best friend. Adding a gay relationship to that mix might not be the best idea." he told himself. But Xander's presence in the apartment tempted Angel, a lot. They took it more-or-less in turn for the bed so the sheets always smelt of Xander and the scent was driving him wild.

Xander was finding things just as difficult. He couldn't shake the idea that Angel was just being nice to him, helping him because he needed it and not for any other reason. He also found it very difficult sharing the apartment. The kiss had opened his eyes to Angel and he found it increasingly difficult to drag his attention away from the other man, and the longer he stayed in the apartment the worse the problem became.

As if all that wasn't enough, the situation with Cordelia was becoming difficult. The situation had started with slight sniping but was slowly but surely progressing to full-on warfare. He and Wesley had no such problems, simply ignoring each other completely. The only thing that gave Xander any hope at all was the fact that he'd managed to get a job working in the Sanctuary, which brought in money and got him out of the flat. Xander knew that very soon he'd have enough for a deposit on a place of his own and steady work would cover the rent. Xander picked up the paper and began flat-hunting in earnest.

Xander had been staying at Angel's for three rather uncomfortable weeks when he found an apartment which would suit him. He could afford it - just - and though it wasn't the height of luxury it would do. Now all that he had to do was tell Angel, something that he was surprisingly nervous about.

When the others had gone home and he and Angel were eating, well, he was eating and Angel was watching, Xander steeled himself to raise the subject.

"I'll be able to move out soon," he said casually. "I've seen an apartment I like, I have three days to make up my mind but I can move in as soon as I pay the deposit."

"Oh." said Angel. "Good. I'd like to see you sometimes. I think we'll get on better when we're not on top of each other all the time."

"And here I was, thinking the problem was that we're not," joked Xander. He stood up to take his plate over to the sink. Angel stood too, moving round the table and kissing Xander almost before the other man had realised what he was going to do. The surprise lasted barely a moment however before Xander returned the kiss enthusiastically.

When Angel finally broke the kiss, it was to give Xander a truly wicked look and ask:

"Do you want to go and solve that problem?" Xander nodded and the two headed for the bedroom.

****

Xander lay curled in Angel's arms, idly tracing patterns across the vampire's chest.

"Maybe I should let that apartment go," he said thoughtfully. "We could try this new arrangement for a bit, see if it suits us better."

"We could," Angel said thoughtfully, enjoying the play of light on Xander's hair. "I can see a problem though," he added devilishly.

"What?" asked Xander worriedly. He propped himself on one elbow to look at Angel, searching the other man's face for signs that this was important.

"Cordelia will go through the roof!" Angel grinned. Xander blinked and visibly relaxed.

"As to this business," Angel said, moving to take Xander in his arms again and planting a trail of kisses along his jaw to his lips, "I can't see much sleeping getting done!"

"I can live with that," breathed Xander, moving to kiss Angel back.

****

Sometimes I wonder whether I made the right choice. Angel makes me feel safe, but is that why I'm living with him? Even I can see that that's not a great basis for a relationship.

I've probably made it harder for him. I'll get older and die and he won't. Maybe all I've done by coming here is make things harder for him.

But things are easier for me here. Cordy and I get on better now, Wesley's not as bad as I might once have thought and there are fewer things to make me remember the bad times. I haven't heard from Buffy since I left, though Giles ahs phoned a few times.

I'm moving forward now. It's odd; when Willow died I knew that nothing would ever be the same, yet I was the one who changed things. I'll always miss her and Jesse, but I don't brood over it. My life's too short and it's time for me to grow up.

The End

A/N: Well, there you have it! REVIEW!!!!

In case anyone is bothered about the 'why hasn't he lost his soul' thing, I have several theories to allow my story to stand.

1. When Willow restored his soul, she may not have used quite the same ritual as the gypsies and she certainly had different motives. They restored his soul out of rage and grief, Willow did it for love and I think that the different motives could affect the magic, meaning that when Willow restored his soul it was going to stay restored - it wasn't supposed to be a punishment so it didn't have the 'one moment of true happiness' clause.

2. His years in hell also might have done something to change things. Apart from the whole 'other dimension' thing, wouldn't getting out of hell and realising that he was still alive, not in hell and Buffy was still alive (because he'd been in hell for what felt like 500 years to him, he would assume that time was the same in all dimensions and that Buffy was long dead) qualify as perfect happiness? Maybe after that, his soul is actually fixed.

3. (a more depressing theory) Who says that what they have is true happiness? Angel was definitely jealous about what Spike might or might not be getting up to, and he knows that Xander is in a delicate stage of his life. He might be afraid of taking advantage etc. which would prevent true happiness and make his soul safe.