Episode: Bury your Dead (S5.1) and the whole Gibbs moves to Mexico arc (S3.23 to S4.2)

May 2007

Ducky wanted to blame himself, but knew he couldn't because it's a shared guilt. One they cannot escape. One they shouldn't want to - no matter how today ended.

He was aware of the case that brought them together, and could understand how the skill Anthony displayed in his job could attract attention, but deep down Ducky knew something more than talent spotting was going on when Jethro returned from Baltimore with a rarely seen smile on his face and spring in his step. It wasn't until he finally met young Tony Ducky got the proof of his presumption and the smile made sense.

Tony was a man in pain, hidden and kept secret much like Jethro's, but there none the less. So that was one of the many, many reasons why he'd been so annoyed with Gibbs' sudden unrepentant return a year ago. His almost casual dismissal of the previous month's events could have been easily explained by arrogance, the ludicrous idea that he could simply walk back into their life's without so much as an apology for his behaviour… or maybe, just maybe it was just hope? Ducky wasn't heartless, he knew how hard it must have been to lose everything for a second time only to later remember that which you'd willingly thrown away and understood the allure to pretend it never happened. But then he also knew how hard it was on Gibbs when Franks left the way he did, which is why he thought once he regained clarity he'd understand how much his leaving hurt them and would want to make amends accordingly. It didn't surprise Ducky that Mike upped and left without regard for those he left behind, but Gibbs? No he was a good man, had values and stuck by them, stuck by his team, or so he'd thought…

His eventual return wasn't unexpected by Ducky, at least in part, since if he chose to stay away after getting all his memories back then he clearly wasn't the man Ducky believed him to be, but his dismissing of their feelings like they hadn't been hurt by his absence and thinking he could slot right back into the space occupied by his previous self without comeuppance? It was wrong. Now not apologising to Ziva or McGee he could forgive, McGee had only been on the team a couple of years Ziva even less, but, him, Abby and Tony he owed much more. Ducky had been his friend for many years, Abby had been relying on him since she started at NCIS and Tony had come to them lost and alone and found a family. He depended on them, on Gibbs. In fact his leaving was the least understood by the one person landed with the responsibility of holding it all together and not because Anthony didn't understand, but because Gibbs was the bravest man he knew and yet believed, had he been in the same situation, he'd have made a different decision. Tony would never have left.

Ducky now knows his own anger at Gibbs made it near impossible for anyone to talk to him about it. For the others it was fine, they found their ways. Tony was left with no outlet, he couldn't admit to Abby, Ziva or McGee that he missed his predecessor, the man responsible for putting him in the position. It was tantamount to admitting he wasn't good enough to fill his shoes and Anthony would never do that. No Ducky let Tony down, they all let him down, they should have stuck together, but instead got bogged down with their own disappointment in a man they cared for and looked up to so they weren't there for Tony when he needed to express the same. No one was.

They left him alone, they left him vulnerable. Others took advantage while they weren't paying attention and he's knows, without a doubt Ducky knows it's their abandonment which has landed Anthony DiNozzo Jr here, six years after first walking through those doors with his damned disarming smile, to be lying on his autopsy table. A shared guilt indeed, one they may never have a chance to atone.

"Blood tests are back doctor…"

.

Eight months earlier…

After taking another round of crap off Ziva and then having to tell Abby to stop adding to her Gibbs shrine and process the evidence instead Tony is in no mood for the envelope waiting for him on his desk. It has his name on, but nothing else, no evidence of who sent it or where it came from. Last time he received a dodgy letter like this he had a prolonged hospital stay and a bonus near death experience. With those thoughts in mind Tony immediately drops the letter he's examining and pushes it away with one suspicious finger to the far side of his desk. He slams his own chair back a little too forcefully as he does so, knocking loudly into the divide behind. The noise has McGee raising his head.

"You alright Tony?" He looks over curiously.

Tony grins stupidly and gingerly picks up the letter between his thumb and fore finger, touching it as little as possible. McGee looks less concerned and more bemused by his odd behaviour as Tony visually dissects the envelope. Just as he's about to explain the issue Lee - their new Probie – approaches his desk standing to attention in front of him.

"They want that back."

"What?" Tony asks confusion evident.

"Personnel" Lee states, "they said they needed it back straight away."

"Oh," Tony grasps the letter fully with one hand and opens his desk draw with other never taking his eyes off Lee he drops it inside and slams the draw shut. "Good work Probie."

Lee remains where she stands.

"Er, sir?"

"Something else?" He overlooks the sir, there's no point and truth be told he kind of likes it.

"Well I was hoping if there is nothing else?"

Tony sees where she's going and, to be honest, after the abuse he's gotten from those whom he still considered his friends – in his head if nowhere else - would rather they all leave, leave the building and him alone.

"Go, all of you, I'll see you tomorrow."

McGee is packing his things before Tony's even gotten to the end of his sentence and Ziva rises from her desk without so much as a nod of gratitude for the early finish.

Once everyone is gone and the lights dimmed Tony opens his draw to drop the remaining paperwork in out of sight when he sees the letter sitting on top, next to his mighty mouse stapler. He reaches in and, now he knows it isn't contagious, pulls the letter out of its envelope with interest.

And deflates.

It's a contact form for next of kin. Since Gibbs left no forwarding address they wanted someone else to be listed as his medical proxy. Tony stares at the form for a long time, not really wanting to move on from this moment. His eyes glaze over and Tony feels like all the air has left his body.

That's when it occurs to him. The moment it finally hits him - Gibbs is gone.

He's spent so long keeping everything together and the team running that he's not stopped to think about why he's doing it. Gibbs is gone and not coming back, for all intents and purposes he's never going to see the man again and despite all the crap he's taken from his team, the brave face he's worn and the new responsibilities he's gained Tony would forgive the man in a heartbeat if he decided to walk through that door right now. Tony stupidly looks towards the elevator expecting Gibbs to do just that.

This isn't a movie damn it, DiNozzo.

A single tear escapes his eye and trickles down his cheek. Tony brushes it away as quickly as it arrived, but it's no good because more follow.

This is stupid, he's stupid. Gibbs was his boss, nothing more, because if he was more then he'd never have given up like that, never have turned around and dumped him without a care. No one cries because their boss leaves!

Ziva suddenly appears, walking back into the bullpen without pause and Tony quickly turns his back, leaning forward in his chair pretending to look through his rucksack.

"I know you told us to leave but I forgot to hand this in so-"

She stops midsentence and Tony doesn't dare turn around to confirm anything she may be thinking right now stood before his desk. Gibbs' desk.

"Its fine can wait 'til tomorrow," Tony manages to stand without looking her way, rucksack slung over one shoulder, completely avoiding eye contact as he walks around the desk, her and out the bullpen keeping his tears and sadness to himself.

After all, as it's been made so abundantly clear by Gibbs, by Ziva, by McGee, by Abby, by Ducky. It's all he has left.

.

Two days later…

The elevator dings and without looking up from the file encased in his hands Tony steps on slowly turning around and groping to press the button to take him out the building. Suddenly a weight pushes into him, knocking him backwards and Tony only just catches himself. Looking up from his file he isn't surprised to see Ziva pressing the button. She waits for the doors to close and then pulls on the emergency stop. Standing before him arms folded and pissed off.

"You know they didn't even like Gibbs doing that."

Ziva pounced, getting up close and personal intending to intimidate him as was per the norm nowadays.

"What is going on with you?" she spits.

"What makes you think anything's going on?" he tries to deflect from the fact she's actually scaring the crap out of him. In a 'boil the bunny' kind of way.

"You've been acting weird all week."

"You said that last week too," Tony points out tonelessly.

"That was different, this, you are hiding something." She watches him closely, breathe ghosting his neck.

Tony's own breath catches in his throat and he subconsciously holds the file in his hands a little tighter.

End.

A/n: sorry if formatting of I'm experimenting with mobile loading- the laptops bite the dust basically in terms of Internet . Any probs ill fix tomorrow, hope you enjoyed and my pain setting up stupid shared files and all the swears were worth it lol ttfn ?