Kizukatana and CapturedbyNoodles proudly present...

A story of passion. Bravery. Romance. An adventure so profound, even the greatest intellectual minds have trouble deciphering just what went down in this the tale...about a pretty woman. Person. Man. Cop.

Disclaimer: CapturedbyNoodles and KizuKatana own nothing (that pleasure belongs to Kishimoto). And never ever will make any money. But we had tons of fun writing, exploiting, and embarrassing the characters that we don't care if we meet our untimely demise in a ditch somewhere. As long as that ditch is warm, has cable, lots of pieces of food to choose from, and is big enough to encompass the entirety of our lame plots bunnies. As always, the cover art does not belong to us either. It belongs to 10 Rankai.

Warnings: (Hot)Cop!Naruto, language, PLOT (Gasp), Sexually frustrated!Sasuke, Transvestites, mentions of prostitution, violence, detective work, humor, & eventual man on man sexual intercourse, so if any of this offends you, click that back button right now or forever hold your scathing, anonymous reviewing. Or continue on into a world you could only imagination would be presented to you by a couple of raging, un-appeased authors. Review and let us know what you think!

Chapter 1 - Officer Down, And In Desperate Need of a Belt

"Officer Uzumaki, may I remind you that this is a courtroom, not a bar. If you cannot refrain from cursing at the defense attorney, I will find you in contempt of court. Again."

Naruto straightened the creases in his suit for the umpteenth time. The fear that if he didn't occupy himself, and that he would be charged with aggravated assault as well as three counts of beating Sasuke's stupid face into the ground with Judge Tsunade's gavel, was slowly peeking over the horizon. He was so pissed. Sasuke wasn't even supposed to be here today.

This was Neji's case.

He and Kiba always traded what they knew; but it looked like that plan had gone blindingly wrong. Sasuke simply smirked, raising a smooth black brow as though in challenge, his usually expressionless eyes nearly glowing with sadistic amusement, as though clearly aware of exactly what Naruto was thinking.

"As I was saying, Officer Uzumaki. Your performance over the past five years on the force shows a series of unsolved cases and several complaints about questionable use of force. Yet you expect this court to take your word that it was my client whom you saw exiting the site of the robbery last month?"

Naruto tried not simply launch himself out of the witness box and tackle Sasuke to the courtroom floor. He wondered for a blissful moment what that duckbutt's head would sound like when it hit the tiles. But he needed to focus.

"I have open cases because my department entrusted me with the most difficult ones, because I'm a good cop," He emphasized, shooting a glance at the jury. "And the assault charges were filed only after the department filed charges against said accuser for attempted sexual assault. If you checked your notes, counselor, you would know that in both cases the perp was trying to feel me up when I punched them in the face. And I expect you to take my word for it because I was there, and am a decorated officer of the court. And I am fucking sure I am not mistaken about your client since he pushed me to the ground and pointed a gun at my face when he was making a run for it. Unless I imagined that all," Naruto said scathingly, rolling his eyes.

Sasuke's eyes hardened slightly as he looked at his client, but he returned his attention to Naruto. "Yet somehow you managed to arrest my client, despite his supposedly being armed and significantly larger than you? I find that hard to believe."

"If I wasn't able to arrest your client, then I don't think I'd have any business being on the force," Naruto responded evenly, "And it wasn't me who incapacitated him, it was Officer Inuzuka. I have security footage that shows him resisting my partner as well. Our department's working on cleaning those tapes now."

"They're cleaning them, you say? Or are they tampering with evidence?"

"May I please ask the jury to disregard what Counselor Uchiha just said. Counselor, refrain from speculations as well as further inciting Officer Uzumaki with your inflammatory language," the judge cautioned. "Either form a viable question or discontinue.".

Sasuke clicked his teeth.

"So once again, a larger man jumps you and you just lay down? Not exactly a stellar example of police work, Uzumaki."

Naruto crossed his arms."First of all, I was shot in the fucking leg, and even then he had to tackle me with all his strength despite him being twice my size. And if by 'laying down' you mean getting back up in time to cuff three of your client's partners in crime and throw their asses in the back of my police car with a bullet still lodged in my thigh, then sure. That's all I was doing, Defense Attorney Uchiha."

"Are you implying that it was my client who shot you?"

"I don't know, am I? How about asking Mr. Trigger happy over there," Naruto snapped, looking back at the the criminal who was sitting behind them, twiddling his fingers. "Say," Naruto asked him, his voice dripping with humor. "Did you shoot me?"

"Officer Uzumaki, please don't antagonize the defendant and answer the question. Were or were you not shot by Counselor Uchiha's client?" The judge directed more firmly.

Naruto sighed, "Yes, he shot me."

"The medical report shows that you were supposedly shot in the upper thigh," Sasuke said, his voice inflectionless, frowning as he looked at what Naruto assumed was the medical report documenting his injuries. Sasuke was standing in for his partner today, and had not had a chance to review the case fully in advance. He was a little unsettled to read the extent of the injury, and it gave him pause. Naruto took the hesitation in an entirely different way, though.

"Supposedly?" Naruto's blood was boiling. Now Sasuke was suggesting he was making that up too? "What, so I'm supposedly limping? There's supposedly this big-ass scar in my leg now because I supposedly imagined it? What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

Sasuke just raised a brow in honest surprise. He hadn't noticed that Naruto had a limp when he had walked in, but Naruto had always been good at concealing injuries.

"Officer Uzumaki!" The judge said from the bench. "This is your last warning. One more outburst like that and you will be in contempt of court."

"But he said that I was supposedly shot, right?" Naruto glared at Sasuke, then to the judge's surprise started to unzip his fly… and pull down his dress pants.

Sasuke's eyes widened in probably the largest display of shock that Naruto had ever seen on the stoic man's face, but he was too caught up to notice. "Well here's some evidence. Exhibit A, asshole! I think I should get a chance to show the court that happy-fingers, sitting in that cushy chair over there, knew exactly what he was doing when he popped a cap in my thigh."

"Officer Uzumaki!" Came the judge's horrified shout. She banged the gavel on the podium so hard it cracked slightly, trying to garner Naruto's attention while he remained stubbornly fixed on stripping down to the bare necessities, which appeared to consist of just his boxer briefs.

The entire courtroom appeared to be completely fixated on the sight of the very toned, fit body of the handsome young officer being exposed for their viewing pleasure. Few if any were paying attention to the large bandage he was trying to display on his upper thigh. "Officer Uzumaki, I will have you removed!"

"How about after I remove my pants?" Naruto rebutted, kicking the article of clothing away to point a finger directly at the wounded flesh where the bullet pierced through. "Suppose this, bastard."

To his credit, Sasuke Uchiha didn't move, blink, or otherwise show any reaction to the sight of his former high school classmate performing a strip tease in front of a packed courtroom. The only visible reaction was the slight trickle of blood that appeared from his right nostril. But given the pandemonium in the rest of the courtroom, it went unremarked by everyone except an older version of said counselor, who happened to be watching the proceedings from one of the seats available to the public.

Itachi Uchiha merely raised an eyebrow, looking first at the mostly naked blond standing in the witness box, then his little brother's valiant attempt to appear unmoved by the sight. He'd been in town, and curiously came to watch his sibling work. It seemed that there were obstacles even Sasuke, an Uchiha prodigy, struggled to overcome in his profession.

"Order!" The Judge demanded, she slammed the gavel onto the podium down hard, breaking the hammer in half. "Order this instance! Bailiff! Remove Officer Uzumaki from my court immediately! I will not allow you to make a mockery of me or this courtroom so help me -...!"

The courtroom doors crashed open and Kiba rushed in. "I'm sorry for the intrusion, your honor," It looked like he ran here, considering the officer was bent over, struggling to catch his breath. "But there has been a mix-up with Naruto's pain medication. He's taken nearly triple the dose and the pharmacy just called. I need to bring him down to the hospital immediately 'cause-"

In that moment, Naruto collapsed.

It was later that night, as Naruto sat in his small, downtown apartment, that he wondered if he was going to get fired for the fiasco in court that evening. Kiba had taken him out of there in the knick of time, and when the doctor had said it was safe for him to return home, Kiba had sat with him for a while just to make sure he was okay. He was grateful that he had not overdosed when he was rushed to the hospital. The doctor told him it was a close call.

Given what had happened that day, it would have been a great night to get drunk, but pain meds and alcohol didn't mix. Plus Naruto figured he'd used up his quota of 'pubilic humiliation' for the day. Possibly for the next ten years. And of course it had had to happen in front of the Bastard.

But maybe it would be ok. Only Kiba had been in the courtroom from the department to witness Naruto's humiliation, so maybe he would be a good bro and not tell anyone.

Just then the doorbell rang. Naruto limped over and opened the door…-

…-And stared at the bleach-blond woman in a tiny Nurse's uniform, with her cleavage showing so much she was almost spilling out.

She gave him a wink while slipping two fingers between her very large breasts and pulled a small piece of paper out, clearing her throat before beginning in a singsong voice.

"I heard you had trouble, down at court...

Your friends from work sent me the report...

They sent me here to help restore your pluck...

'Cause I'm the nurse who likes to -"

Naruto closed the door in her face, already dialing.

"KIBA, I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU."

Naruto sat at his small desk in the police station the next day, his head buried in paper work. "I can't believe I took off my pants in court."

"I can't believe you turned down Nurse Oral," Kiba said back, patting his friend on the shoulder. They've been best buds all throughout school, and joined the force together when they graduated. Kiba was his partner on the squad, six years of solving crimes and close calls. But even that amount of time couldn't prepare Naruto for the embarrassment he faced in court yesterday.

Naruto sunk into himself when another person walked by him, laughing. He had arrived at work to find several bunches of flowers on his desk. Some with honest well-wishes but most… laughing at 'the death of his dignity'. Several cards said "Nice Ass". One was signed by his mother. The whole fucking city knew about it.

"This isn't going to go away anytime soon is it?" He mumbled, glad at least there were no cameras allowed in court. Because wouldn't that just be a fucking fabulous facebook update.

"Nope. Because it was fucking hilarious. Man, you should have seen Sasuke's face. It was absolutely priceless. I've never seen that bastard speechless in a courtroom before," Kiba said, continuing to cackle. "He looked like he was having a bloody aneurysm."

"Ughh...I knew something was wrong with me that morning when I brushed my teeth with hand sanitizer, but I didn't think it had anything to do with my medication," Naruto moaned, running his fingers through his hair, combing the locks that were a tad bit messier from days and days of sleep deprivation. "Did the Captain mention anything yet, or…?"

"Naruto, my office." Came the dreaded voice out of nowhere as Kakashi, head of the division, sauntered by with a face that gave nothing away as usual. Naruto's shoulders drooped as he stood up and shook his head back and forth, knowing he was in for it.

"If I don't come out of there in ten minutes..."

"Call the police?" Kiba supplied, flashing a toothy grin at his own joke. "You'll be fine. Jeez, show some balls, will ya? You didn't have a problem showing them off yesterday, so do it today."

"Yesterday I was high on OxyContin Kiba."

Mustering what dignity he could salvage, Naruto walked into Captain Hatake's office. He figured that - if nothing else - he still held the record for the most busts in his rookie year, not to mention solving three high profile cases in the past year alone. Mentally, Naruto tried to construct a list of all the reasons he should not be fired. Or worse, put on desk duty. If there was one thing worse than unemployment, it was paperwork.

Kakashi Hatake stood leaning against his desk, a large folder in his hands. He didn't look when Naruto tapped on the open door frame.

"Come in and close the door behind you," he said his voice only slightly muffled from the turtleneck he kept pulled over the lower portion of his face.

Naruto swallowed, but tried not to let his nerves show.

"You are an interesting officer, Uzumaki," Kakashi said, still not looking at him.

"Three complaints of use of unnecessary force, failure to follow the instructions of a superior officer documented on no less than seven occasions, multiple contempt of court charges…"

Naruto finally interrupted. "Sir, I know how it looks, but the unnecessary force charges, two were just pervs trying to get away with assaulting me first, and the third was from a guy who had slammed his own head into the wall and tried to say I did it. The cameras caught the whole thing, and none of those cases ever resulted in charges. The failure to follow orders… each of those resulted in an arrest that wouldn't have happened otherwise."

Kakashi looked up. "And all the contempt of court charges?"

Naruto felt his temper flare, still sore from the public humiliation from the day before. "That Bastard defense attorney, Uchiha, bates me every fucking time…"

Kakashi held up his hand, and Naruto's heart froze. This was it. This is where he'd be told he was being kicked down to traffic duty.

"I didn't call you in here to reprimand you."

"You.. you didn't?"

"No. I came to offer you a spot on our major case squad, in the undercover division."

Eh? Naruto was pretty sure he had triple checked the dose of his pain meds this time, but maybe he was hearing things.

"What… did you just say, Captain?" He was being promoted? Him? After everything that happened yesterday he was being asked to work a high profile case? Naruto had to bite his lip to contain the overwhelming urge to get up from his chair and dance, but he remained calm. Unmoved. His face that practiced wall of professionalism he nurtured over years of kissing higher up's asses (or at least not pissing them off to the extent that he got himself fired), solely for this moment. This one opportunity to shine.

"You will be the youngest officer to make the squad," Kakashi said, and quickly those walls came crumbling down. Naruto couldn't help it, his lips trembled until finally making a smile. He'd beat his father's record.

He almost bounced out of his chair with a look of delight that was a thousand volts bright, "Really?" Naruto shook his head, "This isn't a joke, right? Kiba's not pranking me again is he?" The look on his face was one of hopeful caution.

"I can assure you that there is nothing Inuzuka could possibly do to convince me to be a part of his pranks, Naruto," Kakashi said drily. "He's bad enough as it is just on his own."

"But Captain, why me? I'm sure you're aware of….yesterdays….incident," Naruto cringed, refusing to make eye contact at the mention of it. "With all due respect, I thought you invited me in here to fire me, not promote me."

"Ah, yes. I have to say, Uchiha is very persistent as a defense attorney. We have tried several tactics to try to derail his train of thought in the courtroom, but no one ever considered stripping down and throwing their pants at him."

Naruto flushed a little.

"Yet another example of your creative, if knuckle-headed, approach. You are the number one unpredictable officer in the department, but you definitely get results. And in undercover work, you are often flying blind with no backup. You need to be able to think on your feet, and I trust you're the officer to do it. But the assignments are much more high-risk. Are you sure you want it?"

There was no doubt in his mind he did. Naruto sat back in his chair, straightened his posture, and nodded once. His eyes blazed with the determination to please, and the dedication to justice that he was so remarkably known for. That was instilled in him when he broke out into the world and took his very first breath. "I'm capable of handling anything Captain," Naruto asserted, placing a hand to his heart, both to contain its wild beating and show his seriousness. "Whatever you need me to do to serve and protect, I'll do whatever it takes. I understand what joining this group entails in terms of both risk and performance, and I won't let you down, believe it. I swear on my badge to perform my duties regularly and without incident."

Kakashi rolled his eyes at the slightly over-enthusiastic acceptance speech, but having read the kid's profile, hadn't really expected anything less. Kakashi also had a passing acquaintance with Naruto's mother, and knew exactly where he got it from.

"Well… I'm very glad to hear you say that, Naruto. I don't know that there will be much that is 'regular' about your duties, and I am skeptical that there will be no incidents given your history. However, there is a case that has come up that - especially after what Inuzuka informed me happened yesterday - I believe you would be ideally suited for," Kakashi's eyes held a devilish glint that would make most men wary. Naruto tried not to blanch, somehow knowing that this was going to be outside of what even Naruto was prepared for.

"If you accept, we will schedule a briefing immediately regarding your new case, and you will be introduced to your new partner. I know that you and Inuzuka have a long history, but you will not be able to tell him about your new casework, unless you are given explicit clearance to do so. This is not the peanut gallery anymore. These are major cases. There will be a lot at stake, and screw-ups or leaks in information will be all over the front page of the newspaper and the Police Commissioner will be riding my ass, in the not happy fun way. Do you understand?"

Naruto swallowed, signalling with sharp nod that the point was extremely clear, and he would treat this with the utmost care. "I understand. I accept this case on behalf of the department and I'm ready to begin as soon as I'm instructed, Captain."

Kakashi grabbed a file off his desk and stood up. "Excellent. Then walk with me, Officer Uzumaki," He told him, making his way around the desk and to the door. Kakashi opened it for him, signalling Naruto out of his office first.

Naruto followed Kakashi, ignoring Kiba's open mouthed stares and anxious inquiry (through Kiba's spastic splaying of hands) down the hall, into the elevator, and finally onto the only floor of the police station that required a special security code.

It was Naruto's first time having access to the floor.

The elevator doors opened and Kakashi led him down the hall to a room locked with a keypad. The captain entered a long series of numbers - pressed so rapidly that there was no hope of Naruto remembering them - before he was asked to go inside. Naruto walked in.

He had to adjust his eyes to the dim lighting, noting it was otherwise a normal interrogation room, save for a longer desk, more comfortable chairs, and the presence of a young man with his head buried in his rested arms. Kakashi shut the door behind them, motioning towards one of the chairs.

"Have a seat."

Naruto obeyed the command and sat down.

Kakashi followed suit setting what Naruto assumed was the case file on the desk, and then sliding it towards the restless cop. Naruto tried not to seem eager when he opened the folder and held the papers in his hands. He immediately saw that what he was handed wasn't a debriefing, but hospital records. The name had been blackened out, but Naruto was able to read the rest.

He realized that these records were likely for the woman who was resting in the other chair. He looked at the date, and saw that it was only yesterday. His excitement faded to seriousness as he realized it was starting. Something bad had clearly happened to this person, and it would be his job to protect her.

He looked back down at the paper, all giddiness gone, his face hard and focused. Many people underestimated him due to his perpetual good humor and lightheartedness. But there wasn't a cop in the department who took his work more seriously or was more willing to put his own personal safety on the line than Naruto. Kakashi knew it, and it was why he had pulled him in despite his young age. Well… that and the courtroom scene.

Sex: Male, Age 32

Naruto glanced up, realizing that he had mistaken the man for a woman due to his long hair and feminine clothing. And purse.

Medical Condition: Serious but not critical. Patient was found unconscious in the emergency room waiting area, suffering from blunt force trauma to the head. There were multiple lacerations to the face, chest, and back. Patient suffered contusions to over 80% of his torso, two cracked ribs, and a fracture of the right ulna. There was minor internal bleeding of the spleen and significant bruising to the face and shoulders. Defensive wounds were noted on the patient's hands, and DNA samples were collected from beneath his fingernails. Patients wrists show abrasions and bruising consistent with ligature marks of some form of restraint device. Patients neck show ligature marks from compression, evidence of attempted asphyxiation. Patient reported that injuries occurred after he was abducted on his way home from work, and was pulled into an alley where he was almost sexually assaulted. He did not know the assailant, but was able to describe him as having slicked back silver hair, sunglasses, and being of above-average height and build. Patient was able to escape by distracting the assailant with false compliments before breaking his hand mirror, and using the shard to stab the assailant in the abdominal area. He then ran towards the nearest hospital, collapsed in the entrance, and was found and treated by our urgent care team.

Status: Despite advice of the attending physician, the patient has discharged himself into his own care in order to work directly with the police regarding the identification and capture of his assailant. He needs to be monitored for internal bleeding and possible concussion.

Naruto lowered the paper and looked up to meet the gaze of the young man who had suffered these egregious injuries. His heart constricted as it was a face he knew well.

"Haku," Naruto said, dropping the paper and immediately going to his friend's side. "Oh, my god, Haku, who did this to you?"

Naruto's throat was tight at the thought of his beautiful, gentle friend being subjected to something like this. And also somewhat surprised, since this same beautiful, feminine looking man actually regularly kicked everyone's ass during open sparring night at the dojo where they had met. Haku had been one of the Senpais that had trained Naruto and Kiba when they first joined the force and wanted to have skills other than guns to rely on.

Haku smiled, then winced as the motion pulled at a cut on his lip. "I didn't know him. He wore glasses to cover his face, but I'd recognize him again if I saw him. Naruto, I'm glad it will be you. So many other people… wouldn't care about someone like me."

Naruto felt his anger spike. He'd seen the cutting remarks and disgusted glances people sometimes gave his friend when they found out he was male. It pissed him off, and he never stayed silent about it even though Haku said it didn't bother him what ignorant, prejudiced people said. Naruto had punched out more than one person who had been talking shit, though he was always careful to only do it when he was off duty.

He knew the rules as a cop.

"Anything," Naruto said, his voice almost a growl. "Kakashi… just tell me where to start."

"Haku isn't the only victim," Kakashi began. "He's just the only victim that has survived."

Naruto's heart stopped at the thought that he could have been seeing his friend down in the morgue instead of in the witness protection examination room.

"What?" Naruto asked, forcing his voice out.

"There is a serial killer targeting transvestite prostitutes. He's already killed five. Haku was mistaken for one, since his work is near a heavily trafficked corner for prostitution, and if he didn't escape he would have been the sixth. If he follows the same pattern, he will pick another victim within the next three weeks."

Naruto turned burning eyes at Kakashi. "And why I am only hearing about this now? If there is a serial killer out there targeting innocent people, should it be in the newspapers to warn them? So they can take precaution and protect themselves? Or does the department not care, because they don't look and act like the fucking commissioner?"

Kakashi held up a hand. "Slow down, Naruto. Don't jump to conclusions. Serial killers kill because they want attention. The more attention we give him, the more he will enjoy his kills. Up until now, he has been targeting prostitutes. We have had vice getting the word out so the girls know what to look out for, but without a description it has been hard going. And they don't have much choice to just stop doing what they do. We've been sending police cars out, but they don't like that either because it interferes with business."

Naruto forced himself to let Kakashi's words sink in, and his anger faded a bit. "Sorry… it's just… you don't know the kind of shitty things I've heard people say to Haku. People are just so…"

"I know. And this makes it even more perfect that you will be the one taking the case," Kakashi said.

"So what, you want me to hang out and do under-cover surveillance near areas where there are transvestite prostitutes?"

"No," Kakashi said, his eyes showing that same glint that had put Naruto on edge in his office. "I want you to go out and become a transvestite prostitute."

Naruto blinked. What?

"Um…" Naruto tried.

Despite his injuries, Haku smiled. "Don't worry, Naruto. My job will be to help your 'transformation'."

"Based on the commotion I heard you caused down at the courthouse, you apparently have the ass for it. Even managed to sidetrack Uchiha," Kakashi said, chuckling.

Haku stood, wincing slightly, and Naruto immediately put an arm under the slender man's elbow to support him. "I will be staying here in protective custody until they find him. I called my office and Kakashi explained the situation, so there will be no problem."

Naruto nodded, feeling his initial shock and perhaps squeamishness at dressing as a girl fade as he saw the damage the man had done to his friend. Who cares if Naruto had to wear a dress? He'd kick that guy's ass so hard it would make Kiba's pubes look like a GQ model in comparison to his face.

"I'm going to go rest, but I'll meet you here tomorrow, and we can go over what you'll need to do to get into character," Haku said, amusement shining in his eyes despite his current pain.

"Your partner, Zabuza, will be back by then, Naruto. You'll both get to meet him. He will be posing as Naruto's pimp, and will serve as back-up if contact is made," Kakashi said, nodding to Haku as the young man left the room. Kakashi turned back to Naruto. "Notify your landlady that you'll be away from home for possibly a few weeks. You can tell your family as well so no one calls and reports you missing. Go and pack your toothbrush. But don't bother packing any clothes. You won't be needing them."

With that disturbing statement, Kakashi pulled out an orange book, licking his thumb before flipping to a part bookmarked with a coupon from a sex hotline.

Apparently, Naruto was dismissed.

Naruto squinted to make out the title. He wasn't sure he got it right, but it looked like it read: Icha Icha Paradise: Hookers Haven extended edition. Bondage and role play. He decided that even without the cue to leave, he was feeling uncomfortable anyways.

"I'll do that immediately, Sir."

-xXx-

To be continued next week...

(Did anyone catch the Ferris Bueller reference? If you did, thirty points to you Glen coco.)