Title: I Don't Want to Die

Author: Floss Aus

Rating: K+

Summary: A short post Sara's death reaction, in which Oliver examines the words he spoke to Diggle and where they lead him. Inspired by Stephen Amell's fantastic line reading of that heartbreaking sentence to John.

Spoilers: Set post Sara

Disclaimer: CW and DC are Arrow peeps and Stephen Amell continues to be AMAZING as Oliver Queen and Emily Bett Rickards, is my spirit animal

Feedback: OH YES PLEASE, like watching Oliver on the salmon ladder.

He sat there for who knows how long. The words ringing in his ears, the silence crowding him in ways it had never done before. He'd been used to it, and in fact, preferred the absolute quiet most nights but now, the words he'd be so scared to say – it was all he could hear.

I don't want to die down here.

It had shocked him actually, that he didn't want to die in his own world. Which, with rational thought was ridiculous but he'd never really been rational since his return. Oh sure, he looked it. The suit, the mask, the steady bow and straight shot – that kind of locked up calm can fool nearly everyone. But underneath, the nightmares, the shaking hands of fury, the unrelenting desire to sometimes give true justice to those he encountered. That was living in him; every day.

She knew it too, Sara. Knew the place inside where it hurt like nothing he'd ever experienced. She knew that saving others, was never really saving yourself unless you could face it. She'd actually encouraged him, damn it. Pushed him to face a truth he wasn't ready to see.

So don't Oliver.

Was it really that simple? To just chose another path. To believe he could want more, aspire to more. And the question he still doesn't want to answer, does he deserve more? After everything, after all the blood on his hands, the bodies that lay his wake – how could he even begin to put himself above his cause? It was absolute selfishness and he'd never wanted to be that man again. The man that put himself first, above others. The man who boarded the Queen's Gambit.

You're just going to spend your life hiding down here.

Her words were stronger, but they usually were. They always seemed to cut into him, from a place he wasn't expecting. It was easy to deflect; circumstance, tragedy, experience – it was all things she knew nothing of, at least of him. But that was a coward's choice, he now realises. Sitting here, outside her apartment building, waiting for her to return from who knows where, he realises now, that he's been a coward.

Car headlights drag him from his daze and he watches her ease into a parking space and step quickly from her car. It hurts for a moment, that he watches her check her surrounding so thoroughly, because he knows that his life brought that into her daily routine. He's opened the car door before he can stop and he crossed the street, meeting her at a steps the front entrance. She is shocked to see him, stuttering to a stop.

"Oliver," she finally manages and he notices the clip in her voice, the tension that tells him there is something more, not being said. He steps closer, into her space but he still can't find his voice, can't get words to make any sense in his head that would be appropriate for her to hear.

"Oliver, I've just accepted a job with Ray Palmer." She stammers, and heat rises to her cheeks but she won't look away, a reserve of confidence holding his stare. He takes a breath, releasing it more than gasping and she is shocked but his apparent relief. That she would hold her word, and so soon after they spoke. It doesn't disappoint him, it impresses him.

"I need to pay bills, and I eat food most week nights which has been less lately and I think it will be good for me to spend time with other man, not man – boss, who is, of course, a man."

"Felicity," he interrupts and she stops, dropping her head, waiting for the lecture or the pleading to stay or promises of money or food. She anticipates his stinging betrayal, his wounded pride but it never comes and when the silence drags on a beat too long, she raises her eyes to his.

He's staring at her with an expression she's never seen before. He's completely torn apart, completely raw and exposed and she catches her breath in shock. He clears his throat, his eyes flickering with doubt and then Oliver finally commits to saying it, out loud, to her.

"Felicity, I don't want to die down there."