Apologise

Author Note:

Set between Kill the Moon and The Mummy on the Orient Express.

After that bitter quarrel in the Tardis, how did the Doctor and Clara make up?

The answer lies in this fic, and is also the reason why this story is rated M!

And this started off as a one shot, but it will now have more chapters added as and when I think up scenarios!

Warning: Contains sexual content.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I write for love of fan fiction.

Apologise

Danny had asked her, Do you love him?

And Clara had denied it, she had called him amazing and talked of their friendship and the wonderful places he took her to, the scary and challenging situations that arose, she had laid it all bare, everything but the truth.

She had lied.

Of course she loved the Doctor.

It had been a relief to part company with Danny that evening and have some time alone at her place, at least, she had thought that was what she wanted, time alone, space to breathe – but she kept going back to the window and looking up at the moon, the new moon, the new egg laid by the creature that had now departed.

The creature that had lived.

The Doctor had left the choice in her hands.

It had been emotional, it had been difficult.

But he had known all the long that she would make the right choice, of course he did. He knew much more than he cared to admit, and maybe they were not so different on that level:

She had her secrets too.

Clara silently recalled every hurtful word that had been said before she had told the Doctor to go far away from her.

Now it was haunting her, those words felt like nails being driven into her heart, so many words, so many nails.

Of course she was hurting.

Love was supposed to hurt when it went wrong.

Not that the Doctor knew she loved him...

Clara drew in a slow breath as she looked up the silver orb glowing in the night sky, its milky sheen reflecting a halo against the glass. She reached out and pressed her fingertips to the window and kept her gaze fixed on the sky, on that moon that glowed so brightly, she thought of its secret and she was glad it was there, and she understood the weight of the choice the Doctor had placed in her hands.

Of course it had been tough, it had dragged her through the wringer emotionally.

Maybe the Doctor had been trying to make the point to her that being the Doctor was not easy.

And she had called him arrogant.

She had shouted at him, threatened to slap him.

Why had she ever hit him in the first place?

Because she knew he would take it?

Because she knew she could get away with it, because she was just a little human of no significance and he was a powerful, all seeing, all knowing Timelord?

She knew she had treated him badly.

He had taken it because he was tolerant and decent enough to put up with her violence and her temper and her aggression.

He did that because he was a two thousand year old Timelord, with so much compassion for the human species...

I'm sorry," she whispered as she looked up at the glowing moon as it rested there in a sea of inky night, "Where ever you are, I'm so sorry, Doctor. I'm sorry for..."

Clara fell silent, feeling an ache in her heart as those nails drove deeper:

She was sorry for ever letting him see her ugly side.

She was sorry she ever lashed out.

She was sorry for every hurtful word she had spoken.

There was no excuse for any it.

And worst of all, she wanted to cry but was afraid that if she did she would never stop, because nothing hurt more than a deep regret, especially this one:

It had just occurred to her that she had most probably lost the most amazing man who had ever walked into her life, and it had been entirely her fault.

She turned away from the moonlight and walked out of the front room, then she went up the hallway and pushed open her bedroom door.

And there was the Tardis in a cramped corner at the back of the room.

And there was the Doctor, sitting on her bed...

"What are you doing here?"

She had not meant to sound so cold. She had never been so pleased to see him, but she was doing it again, putting up a wall, that strong-Clara wall that suggested nothing could reach her unless she had absolute control over every aspect. She wanted to let go of that, to lower her barriers and let him see the truth, but she just couldn't do it...

The Doctor got up.

"I was hoping we could talk but obviously you're not ready to talk to me, so I'll be on my way -"

"No!"

He looked at her thoughtfully, and as she looked into his blue eyes she wanted so much to break down, to grab him and hold him close and she didn't care if he would freeze at her touch and hate every second of it, she just wanted to hold him...

But she didn't.

He stepped closer to her, but not too close. He still had a look in his eyes that suggested he was hurt, angry or both.

"No, what?" he asked her, "No, you're not ready to talk to me, or no, you don't want me to leave?"

"Both?" she replied, feeling awkward.

He was holding her in his gaze, and the more she looked back at him the more she thought about their quarrel.

"I said some things," she admitted, "That I may have been wrong about."

"You did," he replied,"You threatened to slap me so hard I'd regenerate. I don't think even you could manage that."

And she hoped he was going to break the ice and smile, to make light of their quarrel. She looked into his eyes and struggled to find the right words - she was still desperately hoping he would laugh it off, making everything alright.

She made a silent wish:

Please smile.

But he didn't.

And the longer he looked at her like that, the more her heart ached and she hated her anger for getting the better of her.

"I can understand you getting worked up," the Doctor said to her, "I can understand you being angry with me. But not that angry. That was pure rage."

"And I said, I was wrong about some things -"

"Like what?" he demanded, "Tell me!"

"Just give me a minute..."

She looked down at the floor. But she wasn't looking at the floor, she was looking at his polished shoes. Then she slowly raised her gaze up his black suit, past his jacket that was open showing a flash of crimson, then all the way up to his face, and finally, she met his gaze again.

"I know I said some very harsh words, I was angry and -"

"You said I was arrogant, and yes, I may be, but I am two thousand years old and I do have a great deal more wisdom than you can ever hope to achieve in your human lifetime, but that doesn't mean I look down on the human race! That hurt. That really hurt when you implied I felt that way."

"And I was wrong."

"And?"

Clara blinked away tears.

She wanted to kiss him, but she had wanted to do that for a long time and she had kept it back, and she still intended to keep it back...

"And I admit I was wrong, okay?"

The Doctor still had that look in his eyes.

"No," he said to her, "Actually, it's not okay, Clara! You want to slap me, yell at me, fine...let me know that's what you want and then do me a huge favour and save it up for soldier boy instead, because I've had enough of your rage!"

She still felt as if those words had turned to nails that drove deep into her heart. The Doctor was not making this easy - but why should he?

"I know I've hurt you," she said softly, "And it was wrong and -"

"And?" he demanded again as the look in his eyes intensified.

"And I said I was wrong!"

"You've nothing else to say?"

She shook her head.

"You can't do it, can you?" the Doctor said to her, "You can't let go of that determination to control everything!"

Her eyes widened.

"What? I don't understand, what have I done now, I just admitted I was wrong -"

"And that's not enough."

She looked at him, and he looked back at her, and she still did not know what to say.

"I'm not sure I understand," she began, but then the Doctor stepped back from her and pointed at the carpet, drawing an imaginary line between them.

"You see that line I just drew?"

She looked down at the carpet and then back at the Doctor.

"Yes,I saw you draw a line in your imagination, with your finger, why?"

"I need you to cross that line."

She frowned.

"What?"

"Go on," he said, "I dare you! Step over it, your side is Clara land and this side, this side is my world! Step over that line and leave your control freak urges behind you. Leave all the other negative stuff behind too, just step over that line and look me in the eye and say what you really want to say."

She shook her head as she laughed nervously.

"Doctor, this is silly! I'm not playing a stupid game."

The look in his eyes darkened.

"It's not a game. Step over the line. Unless you're too afraid to do it..."

And she caught a brief flicker of a smile about his lips, but then it was gone.

"I don't understand what this is about -"

"I just told you what this is about. Now step over the line. For once in your life, break your own rules and obey another and step over the line. Its just a line, it won't hurt you. Cross it."

And Clara looked down at the floor and saw a stupid, insignificant space between them that had suddenly taken on such meaning it scared her, but she wasn't quite sure why...

The Doctor was looking at her intently.

"I haven't got all day," he said to her, "Are you going to do it, or not? Because if you can't do this one small thing for me, I'm turning my back and leaving in my Tardis and I promise I will go far away from you, and you will never see me again!"

His words sent a spike of fear through her body, jolting her as she was gripped by the sudden realisation that she did not want him to do that, and she had to stop him from doing that:

The Doctor really wanted to go, to walk out of her life?
She was sure he was telling the truth, there was no mistaking the look of absolute sincerity in his eyes.

"I...don't want you to..."

"What?" he said sharply, "Speak up, Clara, I didn't quite catch that!"

"I said I don't want you to go..."

Her words had been spoken in a hushed, faltering tone. She felt trapped by...something, and she was not sure whether to be afraid of it or not...

It felt alien, and it was nothing to do with the fact that this man was from Gallifrey. It was the fact that he was asserting himself over her, and to Clara, that would have felt alien no matter who was attempting to do it...

But she knew if she didn't give in, she would lose him.

And now that imaginary line on the bedroom carpet was taking on a very real and terrifying form in Clara's mind, it was the line that threatened to force her to obey, or lose everything she truly cared about...

"Cross it, then," the Doctor said, and it sounded like a dare.

She froze, looking down at the space between them and then as she looked pleadingly into his eyes, that steel gaze was firmly set and unwavering as he looked back at her.

"I said, cross it. Or I walk away. It's your choice."

And she looked down at the carpet again, feeling sure no danger that she had ever encountered on her travels with the Doctor could frighten her as much as this imaginary line drawn between them, because it was pushing her towards something she feared:

Submission.

Bending to the will of another.

Would it be such a terrible thing to step over a line that existed only in her mind?
She looked into the Doctor's eyes again and felt stuck behind the line, afraid to cross it, afraid of letting go of absolute control.

"Do it," he said again, "Do it, or I'm gone."

And still she felt too afraid to move as she looked into the Doctor's eyes and felt completely trapped by her inability to obey...

She spent a moment hesitating, and then the Doctor spoke again.

"I don't have time for this," he told her sharply, "Either cross that line or say goodbye to me now."

"But it's not fair -"

"What?" He leaned in a little closer, and suddenly the balance of power had shifted and she felt afraid. Not afraid of him, but afraid of losing him and she knew she would because he meant it, and she felt…

Out of control?

"What did you say?" he asked her, and she felt his breath warm against her cheek, and then he drew back again.

"I said it's not fair...this, it isn't fair."

"Life isn't fair," he replied, "It's not fair for you any more than it is for me. I gave you a choice to make with your moon, I let you take over my role - welcome to my world, Clara – nothing is ever fair, even for a Timelord! Now cross that line or I'm gone. I won't ask you again."

All the pain that had been building up inside her had been held back by the wall she had kept up to keep her composure, but his words had cracked that wall and she could feel it coming down brick by brick and as it came down, she knew she could not stop all it had been holding back.

"Don't go. Please..."

He took a step backwards.

And she stepped forward, to be closer to him, to beg him to stay – and she crossed the line.

As she looked down at the floor she took in a sharp breath, and then as she looked back at the Doctor, he briefly smiled. The anger had gone from his eyes now, replaced by a look of satisfaction.

"That really wasn't so hard to do, was it," he said to her, "And now you've crossed the line, I suggest you do what you really want to do. I'm still waiting for one thing, and you know what it is."

But she didn't know. All she understood was that the man she loved – who did not know she loved him – had just threatened to leave her life forever, and the terror she had felt on imagining him gone had wrenched at her heart in such a way that she never, ever wanted to feel that way again.

She looked into his eyes and as he caught her expression, for a moment he looked back at her in surprise, and then the look was gone.

"Come on then," he said to her, "You crossed over to my side, left Clara's land of absolute control behind you. What comes next?"

She wanted to hold him, but he didn't like hugs. She wanted to kiss him but it didn't seem enough. And she wanted to cry, she wanted to fall to her knees and weep and tell him the secrets she had locked away in her heart for so long.

But his gaze turned cold once more.

"I'm running out of patience. No games here, Clara. Over here, you do as I say. Now hurry up, I'm waiting!"

She wanted to say I love you.

All fight was gone from her now, and as she felt stripped of her desire to be in control, she felt weak, physically weak.

She fell to her knees, and then she slid her hands up the fabric of his dark suit, looking up at him as he looked down at her.

"I'm waiting," he said again, and as she reached higher suddenly her emotions were a blur of confusion.

She was on her knees in front of him, her hands were on him, and she didn't want to stop...

As she reached for his zip he drew in a sharp breath, almost as if her advance had been unexpected. But he knew what he wanted, he had been waiting for this, she was sure of it.

"Slow down," he said as he quickly unbuckled his belt.

He placed one hand on the bedside table as she took him in her mouth, then he gave a soft gasp, and his other hand was stroking her hair.

"Oh Clara...you are full of surprises," he murmured, and as she hesitated, he stroked her hair again.

"Good girl," he whispered, "That's nice, don't stop..." And his voice was like silk and she drew him deeper into her mouth, sucking gently at first, then harder as she kept firm control on her grip, her lips sliding up and down the length of him as she sucked some more.

His breathing grew heavier and he murmured soft words of encouragement and as she closed her eyes and carried on pleasuring him, the thought crossed her mind that the Doctor had already been hard when she had tugged down his zip – had he been hard all the time they had quarrelled? Was he always hard when he was around her?

She wanted to think so...

As he grew harder still in her mouth, he stopped stroking her hair and suddenly gripped it hard, pulling at it tightly but she didn't care that he was hurting her – she was making him come and she wanted to make him come.

He thrust against her mouth and the pressure on her lips was bruising, he was breathing faster and in that moment, very human in his urge to reach orgasm.

As he came he gave a sharp gasp and she sucked again, swallowing as she felt his legs tremble, and then as she released him from her mouth she wrapped her arms around his hips, briefly holding him, gently steadying him as his legs shook for a moment.

He breathed out hard and then as he started to regain composure and balance she paused to gently kiss him just above his pubic hair and then she drew back, letting go as she looked down at the carpet, listening as he quickly tidied his clothing and pulled up his zip and buckled his belt once more.

Then Clara looked up at him slowly, and saw he was holding out his hand.

She took it and he pulled her to her feet, and then he let go of her hand once more.

As she looked into his eyes she waited, wondering what he would say. She still could not read his expression.

And then the look in his eyes lightened and he smiled.

"Well that was a surprise"!" he exclaimed as he ran his fingers through his hair and laughed as his face flushed, "A simple sorry would have been enough – that's all I was asking you to say!"

Her jaw dropped for a moment.

"You mean you didn't ….you wasn't asking me to -"

"No I wasn't, but it was very nice, Clara!"

For a moment anger flashed in her eyes, and she was quite prepared to slap him so hard he would indeed regenerate - but then he stepped closer his expression softened and she saw love in his eyes.

"I never knew you felt so deeply for me, or wanted to..." He paused, hesitating as he prepared to do something he was sure he would never be entirely comfortable with in this regeneration – but he needed to do it, because she needed it too and he wanted to be close to her.

The Doctor reached for her, grabbed her and pulled her tightly into his arms. As he held her he kissed her cheek, then squeezed her close to him again.

"I know how you feel. I feel the same way. I'm glad this happened because I know now, I know you love me ...I love you too."

And then as he let go of her he smiled and she caught a brief and heart-stoppingly beautiful glimpse of his shy side as he avoided her gaze for a second, and then he looked back at her once more.

"I think we've definitely put the past behind us now," he said, "So let's have no more talk of you wanting me gone."

"I didn't say I'd decided to stay forever," she replied, "I'm not sure. I want to be with you, but -"

"You're not sure how much you can handle?"

She nodded.

"Let's not talk about that now, I just want to be happy for a while and not think too deeply. Just for a while..."

The Doctor slid his arms around her waist and pulled her close once more, and this time he seemed more comfortable to embrace her.

"How about this – one last hurrah before you make up your mind...you and me, and the Orient Express in space...how does that sound?" He paused to kiss the side of her neck, "We can spend a couple of days on the most romantic train in the universe..."

As he let go of her she smiled, and he saw fire in her eyes that told him no matter how much she had doubted their future together, those doubts would soon fade:

She wanted him as much as he wanted her, he was sure of that now.

"Let's go, then," he said and he held out his hand.

"Now?" she said in surprise, "I'm not sure I'm ready to go anywhere -"

"Now," he said again, and this time it sounded more like a command, and as she grasped his hand and he led her into the Tardis, he went first, taking the lead as he remembered this was the key to success, because clearly, deep down inside, being dominated was exactly what Clara wanted...

And Clara had a smile on her face as she let the Doctor take the lead – it had just occurred to her that crossing that line had not been so hard to do after all, and at the end of the day, she had, for one powerful moment, tasted victory as the great and powerful - and possibly immortal - Timelord had been shattered by desire, his legs shaking as she steadied him.

She had done that, an ordinary mortal human, and victory tasted good, in fact, she could still taste it in her mouth - but she didn't want to think about that too much because she knew she would giggle and then she would have to tell him she liked the taste of him, and she didn't want to giggle too much while talking with him about the first ever encounter... there would be more, of course there would – and she was tingling with excitement at the thought of it.

As he led her into the Tardis, the Doctor felt elated too. He wanted to do a little dance and punch the air and shout YES! but he did none of those things, because he could not do that in front of Clara.

Instead as the Tardis took off, he had a look of satisfaction in his eyes and a smile on his face as he exchanged a glance with her over the console:
While it was true not much was left in the universe to surprise a two thousand year old Timelord, this woman was an exception to the rule.

Finally, he had Clara Oswald.

That was something to smile about...