Nostalgia Critic meets the FanFic Critic

Disclaimer: I own nothing (unfortunately); all rights and characters in this fic belong to Doug Walker, Megan Wessels and other respective owners and creators. I gain no profit from this; it's purely for fun.

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Chapter 1

Malcolm and Tamara stepped through the front door, their raincoats dripping wet from the storm going on from outside the building. The rain had been nonstop for a few hours now and showed no sign of slowing anytime soon. Thankfully, they would be filming a new editorial episode today, and so will be sheltered from the torrential downpour.

Tamara pulled back her hood and shivered as she unzipped her coat. ''Jeez, crappy day, huh?''

''You could say that again,'' Malcolm said as he piled his and Tamara's coats onto the sofa close by. He turned to his friend. ''Did Critic tell you what we would be filming today?''

''Nope.''

''That's weird. He normally tells us at least a week in advance so we can get our life insurance ready. This time I'll be covered in case I get attacked by another firebender!''

''They have insurance for that?''

THUD! THUD! THUD!

The two of them stopped immediately as soon as they heard the repeating sound echoing around the room. ''You hear that?'' Tamara asked.

Malcolm nodded. ''Yeah, sounds like it's coming from the room next door!''

They stared at the open door at the end of the room, just about able to see a shadow coming in and out of view on the wall. It didn't give them a better idea of what was making that sound. The two stood still for the moment, waiting to see if anything else would happen. However, the sound continued to go on and on.

''You think that's the Critic?'' Tamara inquired.

''I don't think so. He wouldn't have started filming without us.''

''I wouldn't put it past him,'' She mumbled cynically under her breath. Then another possibility dawned on her. ''What if someone broke into the building and is stealing our equipment?''

Malcolm gulped worriedly. ''Maybe?''

''Go check it out!''

''Okay,'' He took one step forward, then pulled back and looked at Tamara like she was a mad woman. ''What? Why me? What if it's a thief?''

''You're the one who says he's got the life insurance!''

''That…'' Malcolm was unable to think of any good verbal response to get him out of Tamara's argument. So he did the next thing that came to mind…he sprinted towards the closest window in the room and dived out of it, leaving Tamara alone with the continuing banging sound.

She sighed heavily. ''Fine, I'll go check!''

THUD! THUD! THUD!

Tamara advanced slowly and quietly towards the open door, ready for something to jump out and attack her. Step by step, she got closer to the door and the sound continued. When she finally reached the door, she pushed it open slightly more and peered inside, expecting to find something other than what was really making the noise. ''Critic?''

THUD! THUD! THUD!

Standing at the wall was the Nostalgia Critic, continually banging his head hard against the wall. His hat was discarded on the floor, and a sheet of paper was crumbled in his hands. After a second or two, he responded to Tamara's call by finally moving away from the wall and slowly turning to face her, a bright, red spot forming on his forehead. ''Oh, hey Tamara.'' He greeted dizzily, clearly not in the best of states after that never-ending assault on himself.

''What are you doing?''

He reached for his hat and placed it back over his head before stumbling towards her, his legs wobbling like jelly. ''Oh, just getting myself mentally prepared for this week's editorial!''

''It's that bad?''

''Take a look for yourself!'' Critic responded as he handed her the crumpled sheet of paper. She took it curiously, wondering how bad the subject was if it could get a reaction like this from the Internet Reviewer. As she read the script, Critic swayed about, trying to regain composure and balance. ''Has anyone ever told you that in blurry vision you look like Haley Joel Osman?'' He asked.

Just then, Malcolm stepped into the room, completely drenched from head to toe after escaping through the window and back outside. ''I forgot about the rain.'' He commented as he tried to rinse the water out of his clothes.

''Then why didn't you take a coat?'' Critic questioned.

''I di…never mind.'' Malcolm tilted his head, and water poured from his ears onto the ground. While doing that, he noticed the script that Tamara was still reading. ''What's that?''

''Critic's editorial episode script,'' She answered. ''And today he's talking about…50 Shades of Grey?''

As soon as those words passed her lips, the Nostalgia Critic let out a bellowing scream of anger and frustration that nearly made Tamara and Malcolm jump out of their skins. The rage burned from his face so forcefully, that it started to turn bright red. ''I thought if I hit my head on the wall enough times I would forget about how bad that book is!''

''So I'm guessing you're not fond of the story?'' She asked.

''Story? What story? It's nothing more than a poorly written, uninspired, unforgivable piece of illiterate horse puke! How did this thing become so popular? I could have written it! And then I would be a multi-millionaire sensation right this second! But instead, I'm here in this building talking about it became so successful, all while Day After Tomorrow is going on outside!'' He paused his rant to take a breather and placed his hands on Tamara and Malcolm's shoulders. ''So in answer to your question…no! I'm not fond of this story at all!''

Finally, Malcolm had managed to clear his ear of the water. He lifted his head back up and stared at the Critic innocently. ''Sorry, I had water in my ear; I didn't hear a single thing you said. Could you say it again?''

''I'm starting to consider hitting your head against the wall!'' Critic threatened.

Before the NC could carry out his threat though, Tamara lowered the script she was reading and looked at the fuming critic. ''You do realise you're missing a bit of important information about the book?''

''What? That's impossible! I'll have you know that I put a lot of effort into my painstaking internet surfing to make sure that my reviews and editorials are as reliable and accurate as possible!''

''Is that why you got the name of the villain in 'The Purge' wrong?'' She pointed out sarcastically.

''I'm now considering hitting both of your heads against the wall!''

''You forgot the mention the fact that 50 Shades started off as a fanfiction story!'' She said.

Critic looked at her with a puzzled expression. ''Really?'' He then chuckled to himself. ''No wonder the writing's terrible!''

''Oh come on, not all fanfiction is bad!''

''Tamara, whenever you become as popular as me, not that you ever will considering how amazing I am, and you have dozens upon dozens of smutty wet dreams worded down on the Internet for all to see…I want you to try and tell me that not all fanfiction is bad!''

She sighed at Critic's ignorance. ''Okay, I'm not going to act like there aren't some pretty terrible works out there, but surely you must have seen some good fanfiction stories?''

''I wouldn't know!''

''What? You haven't read any fanfiction stories at all?''

''Nope!''

''Then how do you know they're bad?''

''The fanart that usually comes with it gives me a clear enough warning!'' He turned away from the two and started walking over to his desk and camera in the corner of the room. ''Now if you'll excuse me, I have an editorial to make…not that I'm rushing to start work on it, but I have viewers to entertain.''

''Aren't you going to mention the fanfiction history?'' Tamara asked.

Malcolm continued afterwards with his own statement. ''Yeah, won't the viewers get mad at you for leaving out that information?''

Critic waved his hand at them disinterestedly. ''Oh please, when do people on the internet ever get mad at someone for missing a little bit of information and bending the facts…'' He stopped mid-sentence as he really began to think about what he was saying. Realising that what he said would in fact happen, he threw his fists about in frustration. ''Goddamn it! You know, you two are very terrible work colleagues for making me put in that little extra bit of effort to make sure my videos are as accurate and credible as they can be!''

''We do our best!'' Tamara said cheerfully.

Critic groaned with annoyance and rubbed the bridge of his nose beneath the rim of his glasses. ''Well, this is going to be a problem. Because unless you two have an Encyclopaedia on all there is to know about fanfiction, I'm completely clueless about the subject!''

''Can't you just ask someone on the site to help?'' Malcolm probed.

''No! Bennet hasn't done his fanfiction show in years! Nostalgia Chick is out of the country promoting her new book! And Linkara, the slacker he is, is busy trying to save our universe from inter-dimensional Gods and beings that plan to destroy all of existence. I'm starting to think about deducting his pay for every time that happens.''

''Maybe you can find someone who's not on the site…'' Tamara started to suggest until an idea materialised in her mind so quickly a light bulb shone over her head.

''Hey guys, I found the light bulb prop, and it works!'' Malcolm commented as he held the working prop over Tamara's head. She stared at him intensely. He pulled his arm away and threw the light bulb to the side. ''Sorry.''

After glaring at Malcolm, she turned to face the Critic. ''I have heard of someone on YouTube who reviews bad fanfiction stories. I know you like to do the editorial episodes yourself, but I think she can help you a lot, especially with a subject you don't know much about yourself.''

He huffed and pressed his head into the palm of his hands, thinking over Tamara's suggestion. She was right, he did normally prefer keeping the editorial episodes to himself, and even if it were just a normal review, he couldn't remember the last one he did with anyone who wasn't part of his website. He would be charging into unfamiliar territory. But, he knew that he was going to keep getting bugged about it until he agreed to go through with it, so sucking up his dignity, he turned to Tamara and forced a smile. ''Okay, I'll talk with this person. What's their name?''

''I think she's called The FanFic Critic!'' She answered.

Hearing that, he scoffed mockingly. ''Oh, how imaginative, having the thing you're reviewing and just adding the word critic at the end of it.''

''But, you…'' Neither of them had time to respond to his comment, as Critic marched past them and headed for the front door. ''Wait, how are you even going to find her?''

The Nostalgia Critic turned to look at them as he reached for a coat that lay on the sofa, gracefully putting it on as he answered them. ''I'm going to find her as I would any person I have never met before and have no clue on their whereabouts the only way I know how…look in a phonebook and pray it's not too far away!''

''Um…'' Malcolm stuttered. ''Critic, that's my coat!''

''Well, unlike you, I'm not stupid enough to go out into the rain without one.''

Elsewhere…

The FanFic Critic moaned loudly and placed her head on the table, her fist lightly pounding on it as she continued to stare at her computer, with a word document open and blank. It was like it was mocking her, taunting her over her lack of inspiration. She started tapping her fingers on the table as if that would help.

Before long, her identical-looking cousin, Susan, stepped into the room with a cup of tea in hand. ''Do I want to ask why you're attempting to start a one-woman band?''

''What?'' FanFic Critic groaned in confusion.

''The moaning, the hand banging and the fingers tapping the table, it's like you're trying to wake the bloody dead,'' Susan commented as she pulled up a chair and sat next to her disgruntled relative. ''What's the matter?''

FanFic Critic sat up straight, her back clicking a little as she outstretched her arms and gave her cousin a mystified expression. ''I honestly don't know. It's like I'm in a rut! I want to read and review something for another episode…but at the same time, I don't feel like it. If that makes any sense.''

''It does,'' Susan said sympathetically. ''Everyone gets like that.''

''Yeah, well, I want to get out of it!''

''Have you even found a fanfic you want to review?''

''No.'' She responded, leaning her head into her hand that was propped up on the table. The brightness of the blank document forced her to look away. She grabbed her glasses and using the sleeve of her jacket rubbed the lenses. Suddenly, she groaned even harder in frustration, startling Susan. ''See!'' She said while pointing to her glasses.

''What?''

''I'm doing everything except my show! I'm twiddling my fingers, or cleaning my glasses! I'm out of the house, or feeding my cats! Talking with my friends and going on Tumblr. I feel like I've created this barrier between myself and fanfiction.''

''And do you know why you created that wall? What was the last story you reviewed?''

The FanFic Critic took a few seconds to remember, trying to recollect what happened in her last review, but her mind was blank like the word document in front of her that was supposed to contain her next script. ''I can't even remember, I know it was bad.''

''How bad?''

''I laid on my bed for six hours straight and felt so much like I was in a comatose state that I didn't even realise one of my cats was sitting on my face until it turned blue.''

Although she never liked it when her cousin was in discomfort, Susan couldn't help but grin slightly as the mental image of a feline sitting on FanFic Critic's face as she just lay there. Noticing the grin, she glared back at Susan, who merely returned another compassionate look. ''Oh come now, don't get yourself in a strop. It's never good for the both of us. Tell you what, how about I take the next review?''

''I don't know, maybe,'' FanFic Critic pondered. ''I don't see any problem with it. As long as you don't suddenly announce my retirement, I can let you take the reigns for a bit.''

''Oh please, if I wanted you to retire, I would have had you stop doing this show a long time ago. Besides, I know how much you love doing this show!''

''Then why can't I do it now?'' The frustrated reviewer stepped out of her seat and began to pace around her room as Susan moved closer to the computer.

''You don't have any stories scheduled for the next one, do you?''

FanFic Critic shook her head. ''Just go online and find something that interests you.'' Trying to find some time for herself, she reached into her drawer and pulled her retracted, Sweeney Todd razor blade and wiggled it between her fingers. Reaching her bed, she sat on the edge and looked up at her ceiling, trying to look deep within herself to find some motivation. She's had blocks before, plenty of times, but never like this. For some reason, that spark just hasn't been with her for days, and it worried her.

Her moment of peace and quiet didn't last long though, as Susan turned to look at her, a bewildered expression plastered over her face. ''Uh, Critic…there's no stories.''

''Susan, it's fanfiction! You're going to find something.''

''No, I mean there's no stories at all! They don't come up in the search bar. It's like they've disappeared! Look!'' She moved to the side, showing off the computer screen to her cousin.

FanFic Critic folded her razor and then placed it into her jacket pocket, picked herself up off the bed and walked over to the computer, not sure what to expect. Looking carefully at the screen, she looked at every little word and detail to make sure that what she was seeing was genuine. The search engine had yielded no results for the word 'fanfiction' at all. She took control and tried to type in every single Fanfiction website she could remember into the bar, hoping to find something, but every page she looked at came with the dreaded 404 error image…an internet-goer's worst enemy. ''I think my computer's just acting up again.''

RING! RING!

FanFic Critic's phone started to ring in her pocket. As Susan continued to work the computer, the critic pulled out her phone and answered. ''Hello?''

''Hey! Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you for hours now!'' The frantic voice of her good friend, ArcangelAssassin, came from the other side.

''Well, I'm here now, so what's up?''

''What's up is that fanfiction is completely disappearing from the world!''

The FanFic Critic stood with a blank expression on her face and remained silent as she tried to take in those words. ''I think I misheard you, it just sounded like you just said fanfiction is completely disappearing from the world!''

''That's exactly what I said! Everyone is commenting about it, every single fanfiction story that has ever been written is just vanishing without a trace!''

''How can something just vanish from the Internet? Did our government pass one of those stupid bills that we've stopped about a hundred times now?''

''I wouldn't put it past them. But this is the really troubling part; it's not just fanfiction stories! Fanart, fan films, anything associated with fan-made works is disappearing! Fandom itself is dying!''

It was almost impossible to believe, how can something so widespread like the power of fandom disappear completely in just a few hours? However, once it fully registered in the FanFic Critic's brain the full extent of what her friend had just said, a grim look darkened over her. ''Wait a minute! Everything associated with fan works is disappearing too?''

''Yeah,'' Arcangel said bleakly.

''You mean like my…''

Before she could even finish her sentence, she felt a hand poke her on the shoulder, and she turned to see Susan's perplexed look. ''Critic, I don't know how you tell you this, but…''

''All my videos are gone, aren't they?'' Susan nodded, confirming FanFic Critic's worst fears. How can things possibly get any worse?

KNOCK! KNOCK!

A loud banging came from the front door. The two of them looked at each other, waiting to see if either one would say they were expecting someone to visit, neither had anything to say. Without a moment's hesitation, the two of them rushed towards the front door, wondering if it was someone they knew who came by to deliver the belated news about what was going on to the worldwide fandom community.

FanFic Critic was the first to reach the door, and opened it slightly, completely bamboozled when she saw who it was standing there, completely drenched from the still on-going heavy rain and panting heavily.

''Wait!'' Nostalgia Critic huffed. ''I'm not a Jehovah's Witness! I'm not here to sell anything! I'm not here to help with the flooding in your basement! All I want to do is find someone, so please for the love of God tell me you're the FanFic Critic because I can't handle seeing another door slam in my face!''

''Uh…'' FanFic Critic hesitated to answer, partially in disbelief at seeing the Nostalgia Critic standing at her front door and the other part still trying to comprehend the missing fanfiction situation. The heavy puffing of the soaked Critic brought her out of her thoughts. ''I am the FanFic Critic.''

''Oh, thank God!'' Nostalgia Critic wheezed.

''Did you walk all the way here?'' Susan asked him as if he was the biggest moron in existence.

''The address in the phonebook didn't sound that far away. Damn it, Jim. I'm a critic, not a geographer!''

While FanFic Critic was curious as to why he was here, she couldn't take her mind off what had become of her videos and the rest of fandom's works around the world. ''I'm sorry, but this is a really bad time and something's come up…''

Without even giving her a chance to explain herself, the Nostalgia Critic barged past the two and into the shelter of their home. ''Look, I'm sure you have problems, but they can't be nearly as important as my own.''

''Try me.'' She challenged.

''I've come to you so that you can give me info that I could learn myself, but I can't be bothered. Why should I have the time to research something when I can just ask someone who already knows?''

''Was it worth it?''

''Walk from here to my house and then you'll have the answer!'' He retorted, still trying to catch his breath.

''Okay, I would really like to help you, but a very big issue has come up that could jeopardise my reviewing career forever! Whatever you have going on, you can tell me about it afterwards.''

''No way, sister!'' Nostalgia Critic said harshly. ''I've come too far to be stopped now. I think we should be reasonable and remember the fact that I'm an A-list internet celebrity while you're a…internet person, and therefore I should be getting more attention right now!''

Before FanFic Critic could reply, her cousin had a few choice words of her own. ''Bloody wanker.''

Hearing this, the Nostalgia Critic scowled at her. ''Hey, if you're going to insult me, then say it in English!''

''Enough!'' FanFic Critic shouted, stopping the two from bickering further. The two did exactly that, as she tried to loosen the tension building up inside her. ''I can see that I'm not going to be able to talk you into believing me, so how about I just show you?''

Thankfully for her, there were no more comments from the new arrival, as she showed him to her computer and he saw first-hand what was going on with every piece of fan-work that had been displayed on the net. ''So everything is disappearing?'' He questioned.

''Everything! Including her videos!'' Susan commented as she scrolled through the pages on the computer, hoping to come across at least one site that showed any fan-related work. But nothing came up, and this troubled FanFic Critic more and more, as she continued to pace about the room. Susan turned sternly towards the Nostalgia Critic. ''I do believe you owe my cousin an apology for trying to suggest your problem was bigger than hers!''

Instead of doing as instructed, he flapped his arm nonchalantly and marched away from her. ''It's probably nothing. Your search engine must be looked over by Cyber-Monks. It's like the kiss of death, no hope for ye who enter!''

FanFic Critic approached him. ''I had a call from a friend of mine, this is happening with others searching for it as well.''

Nostalgia Critic shrugged his shoulders impatiently. ''Well, maybe this is a sign that you should move onto other hobbies. Is losing all fanfiction on Earth really such a bad thing?''

''Of course, it's a bad thing!'' She stated strongly. ''There are people who put a lot of time and energy into their writing and artwork!''

''Ha!'' He ridiculed. ''I've seen people put more time and energy in trying to make Shaquille O'Neal seem like a good actor.''

Susan raised her hand to get their attention. ''You must admit, his cameo in Scary Movie 3 was funny.''

''Okay, that got a smirk off of me at best!'' Nostalgia Critic responded to her before diverting his attention back on FanFic Critic. ''I am on a very tight schedule here! I came to find you because I'm doing a 50 Shades video…''

''You're doing a video about 50 Shades of Grey?''

''Don't remind me! And I came to find you because everyone says that I have to mention fanfiction because it was a fanfiction story first, and I just wanted to shut them up about it so they can stop mentioning fanfiction to me!''

''What is your problem with fanfiction?''

''It's just…so…so…'' He paused over and over again, trying to think of the right word to describe his disgust towards fanfiction in as accurate way as possible.

Sensing his discomfort, FanFic Critic tried to tackle the subject from another angle. ''Okay, I get where you're coming from. Trust me, I've been doing this for years, there are plenty of bad stories to the point where I've killed myself…''

''Really? How did you come back?''

Once again, Susan drew his notice. ''I brought her back with the Dragonballs.''

''You have those?'' He asked like an excited little schoolboy who just heard about a brand new chocolate factory opening. However, he regained focus and his expression was firm. ''We're getting off topic here, will you help me with my video? Please!''

The FanFic Critic was about to think the offer over; really she was in no right state of mind to handle this childish behaviour right now. But she didn't get the chance to think of an answer, as Susan yet again got their attention. ''Nostalgia Critic,'' She spoke ominously. ''You're videos are gone too!''

''What?'' Nostalgia Critic screamed so loud it made the room shake. He rushed towards the computer, shoving Susan out of the way and looked at the webpage that was meant to host his website, only to find his videos and the videos of other reviewers gone. ''Why the hell are my videos gone?''

''Maybe because your videos have clips from the movies you review, it counts as fan-made!'' FanFic Critic theorised.

Susan agreed with her cousin's hypothesis. ''Copyright can be a right bloody bitch sometimes.''

''My words exactly.'' FanFic Critic followed up.

Her theory had fallen on deaf ears though, as the Nostalgia Critic was too overcome with the shock of seeing his work gone before his very eyes. ''No…no…it's not true! It's impossible! Everything that I've worked on over the years! This is my livelihood! What do I do if I can't review bad, nostalgic movies? Would I have to find another job? I can't do that; I wouldn't be able to cope! Do you know how hard it is for a heterosexual, white, male to find a credible job in this society? I'll be eaten alive!''

In an attempt to calm down the panicking maniac, FanFic Critic gently patted him on the back and pulled him away from the computer. ''Critic, we'll sort this out. We'll find whoever is responsible for this, and fix this problem.''

''How do we know someone is behind this?'' Susan inquired.

''Someone has to be! This can't be just a random event. Someone has to be behind a keyboard and hitting the delete button somewhere!''

After finally calming down to an extent, the Nostalgia Critic took a deep breath and made an effort to present a tranquil posture. ''Is there any way we may be able to track the person behind this?''

''Actually,'' Susan started before rushing over to the computer and typing away at the keyboard faster than you could say Matrix. Nostalgia Critic and FanFic Critic peered over her shoulders, trying to see what she was working on. ''I've got it! Whoever is doing this isn't deleting the fan work instantly like we guessed, they're actually absorbing it. Sucking it away like a hoover with dust, and I can follow the codes and it'll lead us to the location of the person behind this.''

FanFic Critic looked at her cousin in a very impressed manner. ''Wow, Susan, when did you become an expert hacker.''

''It's a British thing.''

Nostalgia Critic stared at her. ''You're British? I thought you were Australian?''

''Oh my!'' Susan yelled exasperated. ''Why do so many people get those two accents mixed up? Do I have to sing 'God Saves the Queen' just to…''

''Location! Now! Please!'' FanFic Critic interrupted Susan's rant.

Her infuriated cousin turned back to the computer. ''Fine!'' She searched for a location while muttering some inaudible grumbles in between. Soon enough, she had the exact location of where the fan work was being sent to and quickly had a position. She printed it out on a small piece of paper and handed it to FanFic Critic.

''Thanks, I'll go with Nostalgia Critic and we'll take care of the rest. You stay back and call me if the fanfiction stories return.'' Susan nodded at the plan, while the female reviewer turned to Nostalgia Critic. ''I promise when all this is over, I will help with whatever you need. But right now, I would feel much better if I had back-up.''

''Oh, don't worry, I have a very special friend I wanted to introduce to our video thief,'' He said with a hint of a sadistic tone before pulling out a gun from his back pocket. ''This is handgun, and he also has a couple of smaller friends who would also like to get acquainted with him. And by friends I mean bullets!''

''You know, you can be pretty scary sometimes!'' FanFic Critic said.

''I think of myself more pretty and scary!''

To Be Continued...

If you'd like, you can follow my original stories on Wattpad. My penname is Thomas-LF. Thank you for your time, if you do read them, I hope you enjoy them.