Chapter One: Rose is The Greatest Witch Ever

Once upon a time, in the land of Skaia, there was a witch named Rose Lalonde.

She was the greatest witch ever.

Seriously, she was the best around. Like other wizards would challenge her to duels, and then she'd blast them away with one spell and everyone would be like: "Daaaammmmn." Then Rose would just buff her nails on her robe like she didn't give a fuck.

And she didn't.

There are many great stories passed around the campfires, boasting of her greatness in battle and magical prowess, but as with most legends, most details of the stories are lost or warped with time. One tale stands out above the rest though, one tale that's so awesome and just so unbelievable that it will probably last as long as time itself.

The story is called: The Tale of the Four Evil Mages.

It's about four evil mages. That's pretty much it.

Anyways, the story begins in the year four-hundred and thirteen, in a little town called Honey…

John Egbert was probably the worst hero who ever lived.

Like seriously, he sucked.

The citizens of Honey probably would have kicked his sorry ass out if it wasn't for one big problem: John was the only hero in the entire town.

There was no one else who had the guts, or the means to defend the town of Honey from the various struggles that came along with living in a fantasy land. Without John, the weakly citizens would be left to fend for themselves. Within a week, they could all be killed by Saber Wolves or kidnapped by Drowsy, a cruel goblin who sometimes snuck into town at night to steal people from their beds. Those taken were never seen again!

Needless to say, Honey would rather have John than no one at all.

"Uh, Mr. Mayor?" John said one day, as he approached the village leader outside of Town Hall. "Is it alright if I talk to you for a second?"

Mayor Buzzles wasn't a very good mayor either. The town of Honey was known for it's pitiful complacency.

"Yes, yes, but make it quick. I'm a very busy man, John, as you well know." Mayor Buzzles said impatiently.

"Well, you see…" John scuffed his shoe in the dirt nervously. "It's just that I don't think I should be the town hero anymore."

Mayor Buzzles did a triple take.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-w-What?!" He replied. "John! What is this nonsense? You have to be the town hero! Literally no one else wants the job."

"It's just that I don't feel well equipped for the job and I'm not very good at it either." John showed Mayor Buzzles his shield, which was just a rusted cookie sheet, and his war hammer, which was actually just a regular hammer with no magical or cool properties. It was pretty shitty. "If we can't get anyone else to do it, can I just get some better gear?"

"The town budget is stretched as it is," Mayor Buzzles sighed. "What with Jared wanting to open up that new Peanut Gallery and Mrs. Fireburst needing that new roof on her house."

"But don't you think my problems are just a little more important?" John asked. "I mean, peanut galleries are just stupid places where you go to look at peanuts. It doesn't even cost money to get in! How do you make your investments back? Also, Mrs. Fireburst is called that for a reason. She's just going to burn down whatever roof you put up again!"

"John!" Mayor Buzzles was incredulous. "How dare you speak in such a tone? Peanut Galleries are an age-old tradition in Honey Town! I'm sorry, but you're going to have to make do with what you've been dealt. Now if you'll excuse me, there's urgent business to attend to in the…"

Suddenly a young child ran up to both John and Mayor Buzzles.

"John! John! John!" The kid yelled, screeching to a halt before the two men. "A group of Lime Ogres are attacking the mead hall!"

"Aw, man!" John slapped his hand to his forehead. "That's the third time this week!"

"I know, right? But they said if a hero didn't fight them, then they'd tear the whole place down!" The kid grabbed John by the sleeve. "You have to defend the town!"

"The boy's right, John." Mayor Buzzles nodded in agreement. "It's your duty, after all."

John sighed. He was really tired of bullshit like this.

"Fine." He hefted his hammer and shield. "But our conversation isn't over Mayor. Don't make me have to file a formal complaint."

"Sure, sure, whatever. Go save the town!" Then Mayor Buzzles stuck his hands in his pockets and walked away, whistling.

Thinking that his conversation with Mayor Buzzles could have gone better, John set off towards the mead hall in defense of his town. John had lived in Honey his whole life and had taken over as town hero after his father died when he was thirteen.

The town hadn't changed much since then. Five years later and there were still only sixteen or so buildings in the whole place. The only real reason to come to Honey was so that you could get a good laugh about how much it sucked before moving on to a much better town. Seriously, like if a town is called Honey, you'd expect to have to have something to do with actual honey, right? Or at least bees?

But nope. Honey's main export was mediocrity.

Arriving outside the mead hall, John could already tell that shit was getting out of hand. All of the windows were shattered, the door was hanging off it's hinges, and screams could be heard from inside. Taking a nervous gulp, John stepped over the busted door and entered the hall.

"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!" A group of lime ogres were huddled around a table in the center of the hall, watching as their leader held a barrel of mead over his head and poured the expensive liquid down his throat.

All the citizens of Honey who were unfortunate enough to be trapped inside huddled behind the bar and simply watched the ogres with spiteful gazes, all too afraid to defend themselves.

When the head ogre finished his mead, he slammed the barrel onto the ground and it shattered into splinters.

"This mead tastes foul!" He declared in a booming voice. "I'll have another!"

"I don't think so!" John called, mustering the courage to make himself noticed.

Instantly, all the ogres turned to him.

"Hey, look everyone!" The head ogre threw his head back and laughed. "It's the Honey Knight. Tell me, John, what's to stop me from taking another keg of mead? Hmmm?"

"You can have as much mead as you want." John stepped forward. "As long as you pay for it."

"Yeah…. That's not going to happen." The lead ogre pointed a large finger at John. "Wreck this fool!"

All of the smaller, but still powerful lime ogres leapt at John and proceeded to beat the ever living shit out of him. One ogre took his shield and threw it like a Frisbee to his friend, while John jumped between them and tried to snatch it back.

It was hopeless.

A savage blow from one of the monsters struck John on the back and knocked him to the floor. His glasses slipped from his nose and cracked on the hard wooden floor. Now sightless, shield-less, and a little dignity-less, John felt like now, more than ever was a good time to give up.

"If you want me to pay for my mead," The lead ogre got up from his chair and walked up to John. Grabbing the hero by his ankle, the bandit lifted him into the air and shook him violently. "Then let's see if you have any gold I can borrow. Hahaha!"

A few gold coins, a paper clip, and a lute pick fell from John's pockets and joined his glasses on the floor.

"Unhand that weak man!" A voice suddenly called from the front door, silencing the guffawing ogres.

With his vision both inverted and blurry, John was unable to see the newcomer properly.

"What say you, wench?" The leader of the Lime Ogres replied, still jiggling John fruitlessly. "Can't you see I'm busy being an asshole?"

"I can clearly see that." The stranger, who was definitely female, began to draw nearer. "The real question is as to whether or not you can see that I am not one to be trifled with. I will ask once more, release that horribly weak and insecure man at once!"

"Uh… I'm not weak." John raised his hand feebly. "I'm actually a hero."

"Shut up, you trashy piece of trash." The Lime Ogre shook John again, and then turned to his lackeys. "Show this wench what we do to those who try to defend the weak and defenseless!"

"I'm not really defenseless…" John began, but was quickly drowned out as a fierce battle erupted in the center of the mead hall.

Still unable to see so much as three inches before his face, John was unable to accurately understand what was taking place. He saw a flash of light, heard a muffled scream, and then six bodies hit the floor. The stranger spoke again:

"With your cronies disabled, you have no other choice but to surrender, Lime Ogre." She said. "I will not tell you again."

Suddenly, John reconnected to the floor with painful results.

"Ow." He mumbled as he lay in a heap.

The Lime Ogre drew his heavy mace and swung around his head.

"No sorcery is a match of Roderick the Brutalizer!" He cried and lunged forward. The stranger hissed another magic spell and then Roderick feel to his knees. "OH GOD MY EYES!"

John fumbled on the ground until he located his discarded glasses. Shoving the cracked lenses over his eyes, he looked up to see Roderick, leader of the Lime Ogres, clutching his face in agony. Before Roderick, stood John's savior, a beautiful woman garbed in black robes.

"My name is Rose Lalonde." The sorceress proclaimed. "And I am the greatest witch ever."

Then she cast one final spell that trapped Roderick in a coma for all eternity, which, when you think about it, is a really fucked up fate. Like seriously, she could have just killed the guy, but now his family has to take care of his useless body forever.

Fun fact about Roderick the Brutalizer: After a thousand years of taking care of him, his descendants eventually say 'screw this' and leave Roderick just lying in the middle of the road.

And that's how speed bumps were invented.

"Daaaaaaammmmmn." All the Honey Town citizens gasped from behind the bar.

John had to agree, Rose was truly worthy of all the damns. She was shorter than John by a good six inches, slim, with ghostly-pale skin and searing, violet eyes. In all of the town of Honey, there never was a girl as comely as Rose and for a moment, John was speechless.

"Are you alright, peasant?"Rose asked, approaching John. "It was very brave of you to face those bandits."

"Th-thanks." John stammered in reply as he climbed to his feet. "I'm, uh… not a peasant though. I'm actually the town…"

"Praise this young sorceress!" A man who had been hiding crept out from under a table. "Fore she has saved us from the bandits!"

"WHOOOOH!" All the other Honey Town citizens cheered as they came to greet Rose.

One guy, which John recognized to be Jared, approached Rose and stooped into a low bow.

"Fair maiden." Jared said, reaching for her hand. "I did believe our good fortune to have run out before you arrived. With your dazzling display of wizardy you have given me hope."

"I'm going to build a statue in your honor!" Another man cried.

"I want to have your adopted babies!" A woman squealed.

John frowned. No one had ever offered to make him a statue or have his babies, adopted or otherwise. Hell, he can't remember the last time he even got a simple 'thank you'. However, he was too tired and legitimately grateful to Rose to be jealous of her attention. John moved about the cheering crowd, searching for his discarded shield, hammer, and lucky paper clip.

"Please, please, dear peasants." Rose raised her hands above the crowd to silence them. "Although I do appreciate the gracious sentiments, I was only doing what any good samaritan/wizard/nomadic badass would do. I require no statues or lovers or gold. I simply wish to find a comfortable place to sleep for the night, so that I can continue my travels come first light."

"BOOOOOOO!" One man howled. "You can't leave! We need a town hero who isn't shit!"

"Oh, thanks for that!" John huffed, straightening up with all of his belongings collected.

"You." Rose pointed to John. "I take it that you must be the town hero then. Forgive me for calling you a peasant."

"It's alright, although I sort of think that you should stop calling people that." John shrugged. "It sounds a little demeaning."

"No, we're totally peasants." Jared argued. He swaggered up to Rose and tossed his arm around her slim shoulders. "I got an extra bedroll in my shack, although," Jared leaned in close. "It would probably be more comfortable if we shared."

In response, Rose cast a spell that turned Jared into a peanut. Ironic, since Jared would later be added to his own Peanut Gallery. He would be turned back to normal eventually by a group of warlocks. However, the man would never be the same.

A lot of people nowadays talk about how great Rose was. Don't get me wrong, she ruled. It's just that most people forget how much of a bitch she could be. John could tell that Rose was a tough dame already. In the past ten minutes she'd nonchalantly ruined the lives of two men. His flushed feelings for her only intensified.

"You." She pointed at John again. He wished she'd ask for his name already. "You have integrity. I would appreciate a tour around town, as well as accommodations for the night."

"Uh…" John didn't really know if this fell under the jurisdiction of his "hero" duties, but hey, Rose was hot and what else was John going to do for the rest of the day? "Okay, follow me."

Bidding other citizens of Honey goodbye, John and Rose exited the mead hall. Slowly, the men and women left behind began to collect the corpses of the Lime Ogres, along with Peanut Jared. They wept with the knowledge that Rose's presence was to be short lived, along with the fact that their lives were pretty awful. It seemed that life in Honey was doomed to be as unfulfilling as always.

Le Sigh.

"So, where do you want to start first?" John gestured around the small town. "We could check out the Town Hall, go look at the river, we could even visit library if you wanted."

"Let's start with your home." Rose was rummaging through a satchel tied around her waist. "I've grown tired of carrying my belongings for so long and would like to lighten my load for a spell."

"Haha. Spell. That was a good one." John smiled. "You're funny and pretty too. I'm John."

Rose simply nodded. She was used to dudes and dudettes of all shapes and sizes hitting on her. I mean, come on. She was a witch with a rocking body. What do you expect?

"I appreciate the compliment, although I would further appreciate an effort on your part to… How can I put this? Keep it in your pants?" Rose looks at John pointedly, with a perfectly curved eyebrow raised.

John flushed.

"I- I'm just trying to be nice." He said defensively. "It seemed like a nice thing to say."

"It was. Now let us press forward." Rose tapped her chin thoughtfully as they walked. "So, Hero of Honey Town, what sort of defensive measures do you have in place to fend off invaders? I ask merely because I am at a loss to how those Lime Ogres managed to make it into the heart of the town. They could have easily pillaged this whole settlement for its wares."

"Defensive measures? Wares?" John repeated. "Uh, we don't have any of that stuff. There aren't any enchantments or wards. We don't have anything valuable either. It's just… us."

Rose blinked in surprise.

"Are you serious?" She asked. "What then, may I ask, is the purpose of this town?"

"We just live here." John shrugged. "Does it need a purpose?"

"Most towns have some reason for existing, other than simply 'because', yes." Rose shook her head. "So it's just you versus the world then? Heh, I'm surprised this place hasn't been burned to the ground."

No sooner were the words out of her mouth than they passed Mrs. Fireburst's house. Inside the burnt husk, Mrs. Fireburst was reading a book. She waved to John.

"Hello there, Hero!" She called. "Who's that lovely lady?"

"I am Rose, the greatest witch ever." Rose answered for John. "Nice house."

She smirked and took John by the shoulder, pulling him forward.

"Out of all the towns I've visited, this has to be the worst." Rose declared, once they were out of earshot of Mrs. Fireburst.

"I guess you travel a lot, huh?" John asked.

"Yes, of course. I've been to all four corners of Skaia, across the lava river, through the forest of Horrorterrors, even through the moonbear desert." Rose gave a small smile at a pleasant memory. "I've fought skeleton lords and evil lich kings. I've shaken hands with the Empress of the White Kingdom and rubbed elbows with the Black Emperor. I've…"

"Done a lot I get it." John finished. He didn't get frustrated easily, but Rose's boasting pushed his buttons a bit. "But, like, where do you live? Do you just travel around aimlessly forever?"

"Not aimlessly. My goal is to make a name for myself among the great hero's of this land by accomplishing a great quest. I've yet to find such a task, but when I do you can bet your Honey Town ass that I'll be all over that shit."

Alright, I'm totally paraphrasing there. Like I said, this is an ancient legend. Do you really expect me to remember exactly what Rose said? Anyways, John was all like:

"What are you going to do after you finish your quest though? Are you going to settle down?"

Rose turned to John with another stern look.

"I thought I told you to rein your hormones, John. If my wish is too much of a trial, then I fear I might have to search for quarter elsewhere."

"What? I'm not being hormonal! It was a simple question, not a marriage proposal. Sheesh!" John turned to hide his blush. "Uh, anyways. This is my place."

They came to a stop outside of a small cabin. It was only one floor high, with one room, and one outhouse in the tiny backyard. John had lived there his whole life and had shared the place with his dad before the old man kicked the bucket.

After John unlocked and opened the front door, Rose investigated the inside. It was small, with only one bed and a wooden trunk for furniture. There was a fireplace though and on the wall a picture of a sunflower hung next to a window with a view to the sunset.

"Pretty." Rose commented and dumped her bag onto his bed. "As I've stated, I'll only be staying for one night before I continue my journey. I'll take this bed if it's all the same to you."

John thought about protesting, but decided against it. Rose could probably transfigure him into something stupid as easily as a whisper. He figured that her asking for permission was only a formality.

"Sure, whatever." John took his shield and hammer and hung them on the wall. "So you said you wanted a tour around town, right? Let's go before it gets tooooooo…"

John's last word was drawn out into a long hum as he watched Rose shrug off her robes to reveal a rather pretty dress underneath.

"God that thing was hot." She said, tossing it onto the bed. Rose stretched and rolled her shoulders, unwittingly giving John a good view of her lean muscles.

She was fine.

You know John's heart was-a pounding in his chest. Shit was about to burst with all the dovey dove, love sweet love that was filling the air.

"… ooooooo late." John finished finally, tearing his eyes away from her. "We should go before it gets too late."

"Alight then." Rose stepped to the door, a small smile on her lips. "Lead the way, Hero of Honey Town."

With the speed and knowledge of an O.G. Honey Town Resident, John took Rose through all of the interesting landmarks of the small village. He showed her the library, which was home to fifteen books that were all written by the town creep, Sicko Larry.

"Don't read them." John said as Rose fingered a tome. "It's just full page nudes. Just… just don't read them."

Next was the Town Hall, where they bumped into Mayor Buzzles.

"So you're the famous witch that I've heard so much about." The Mayor frowned. "News does certainly travel fast around here, especially about such a character as yourself. Let me ask you something, sorceress, what do you think gives you the right to transfigure good people? Jared was an honest man with a dream. Now he's a nut."

Rose folded her arms.

"He was a loser and honestly, by looking at this town, I think I did you a favor. Do you really want another shitty landmark marring the landscape?"

Mayor Buzzles face began to grow red, not with the warm glow of love though.

"Peanut Galleries are an age old tradition of Honey Town that…" He was cut off when a motherfucking arrow flew through the air and struck him in the throat. "Gah! My neck!"

"Mayor Buzzles!" John yelled, lunging forward and catching the mayor before he hit the ground. As the man spluttered and coughed up blood, John looked to Rose. "Why did you do that for?! What kind of bitch casts an arrow spell for no reason?"

"It wasn't me." Rose turned on the spot and gasped when she found the source of the arrow.

High above the ground, near the center of town, flew about half a dozen Dragon Knights. They were armed with bows and arrows and clothed in thick, leather armor. Grabbing John by the arm, Rose picked him up and dragged him into the Town Hall. Together, the two of them looked out into the street and watched the Dragon Knights.

"Peasants!" A Dragon Knight roared. "We know that you are harboring the sorceress Rose Lalonde. Turn her over to us and no one else will die! We have a bounty for her head from The Dragon Mistress of the North herself."

John gasped and Rose grit her teeth.

"You have like… thirty seconds." The Dragon Knight continued.

Rose made to exit the hall, but John grabbed her by the wrist.

"What the fuck?!" He hissed. "You can't go out there. They're Dragon Knights, dragons with god-dammed bows and swords. They'll kill you!"

"I cannot risk anyone else being hurt because of me." She brushed his hand off. "This will only take a few seconds."

"Rose…"

"Trust me, John." Rose pushed open the door and stepped out into the street. "Dragons!"

Instantly, the Dragon Knights set their gazes upon her.

"There she is!" One pointed. "Get her!"

All the Dragon Knights dived towards Rose, with a flick of her wrist, she trapped the first two in blocks of magical ice. They fell to the ground and shattered into a million, frozen dragon pieces. It was super gross and super cool.

"Fuck!" A remaining Dragon yelled. "That was my brother, you bitch!"

Rose turned him into a tiny kitten. The cat was immediately crushed by the weight of the dragon's leathery armor, which was of no use to such a little kitten. The final Dragon Knights hesitated and floated in the air above Rose.

"Who's next?" Rose taunted, spinning her wands.

One of the Dragons huffed, shooting twin jets of steam from his nostrils.

"We'll be back, Rose Lalonde. You're awesome magical deeds have angered The Dragon Mistress and she will have your blood. Tomorrow at noon, we will return with five times our numbers to burn this town to the ground and you along with it." Then the dragon gave her the finger and flew away, with his companions in tow.

John came out of the town hall

"Oh my golden rings." He gasped. "Rose, that was awesome!"

The powerful witch sighed and pressed a hand to her forehead.

"I'm sorry, John. By coming here I've put your whole existence at risk."

"It's alright. You didn't know that the Dragon Mistress of the North wanted you dead." John patted her on the shoulder. "You can run if you want. I don't think anyone will care if Honey is destroyed."

"I'll care." Rose faced him. "This town may be shit, but I will not be responsible for its destruction. Tomorrow, I will face the Dragon Knights in combat and defend your livelihood. Then," She clenched her fists. "I'm going after the Dragon Mistress herself."

"Wow," John whistled. "I guess you've found your big quest, huh?"

"Yes. I suppose I have." With a sigh, Rose led the way back towards John's hut. "Come, John. We must prepare for battle."

"Uh…." John stumbled after her. "W- What do you mean 'we'?"

"So when do you come in?"

"What?"

"When do you come into the story?"

Dave shrugged.

"I dunno, like chapter three or something. Be patient, this shit is still getting started." With a groan, Dave pushed himself out of his chair and began to tuck-in his daughter. "But that's enough for tonight. You have Wizard School tomorrow and I'm tired as hell."

"Aw. Come on, Dad!" Dave's Daughter whined. "Just a little bit more! I wanna know how Rose beats the Dragon Knights! I wanna know how you meet Uncle John! I wanna know when you and mom…"

Dave silenced his kid with a small kiss on the forehead.

"Damn, you're a greedy bastard." Dave yawned. "Listen, if you promise to do all of your homework and chores before dinner tomorrow, then I'll tell you two chapters before bed, got it?"

"Yes, sir!" The little girl rolled over and tried to fall asleep as fast as she could. "Goodnight, Dad!"

Dave crossed to the door, extinguishing the torch on the wall as he passed. With his hand on the doorknob, he turned back and smiled.

"Night, Rosie." Then he shut the door and went to bed.

So this is something that's been in my head for a long time. It's vulgar, silly, a little ridiculous, but hopefully you'll have a little fun reading this, because I know that I certainly had fun writing it. With John: Try to Understand being my primary fic, updates for this may be sporadic, but if you're interested in reading, I will continue to write this.

Thanks for reading.

- Mike