The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own GI Joe has been frozen over again. That happens a lot. Not even this idea is completely mine. Coldfusion 180 co-wrote this with me! So once again let's enjoy the madness!

Know Your Joe: Iceberg

"Ughhhh…" Low Light groaned as he slowly staggered into the recreation room. He was covered in splotches of blue and orange. "I'm gonna say it. I miss Cobra!"

"And here comes another casualty," Alpine weakly waved from his position on the couch. He was also covered in blue and orange splotches. Several other Joes were also covered in similar splotches draped over the furniture in various states of fatigue.

"Casualty? I feel more like a walking corpse!" Low Light moaned as he plopped into a chair. "I look like an extra from Night of the Living Dead Pastry!"

BOOOM! BOOM! BOOOM!

"That's a very accurate description of what happened to us," Duke moaned as he slumped in a chair. "Ever notice that most of our missions end up a lot like horror movies?"

"Only without the fun of a knife wielding maniac," Shipwreck groaned.

"ALLEZ CUISINE!" Gung Ho was heard cackling.

They looked out the window to see Gung Ho madly waving a knife and fork as he tackled a strange looking orange and blue blob with tentacles. "CHOW DOWN!" Gung Ho laughed as he ate the blob.

"I stand corrected," Shipwreck blinked.

"I'm lucky if I will ever stand at all again," Low Light groaned.

He ignored Barbecue out the window using his flame-thrower on the blob and all the mayhem outside. "BURN BABY BURN!" Barbecue cackled.

"Yeah! Barbecue! Make it nice and crispy!" Gung Ho laughed as he tried to eat a tentacle. "That's the way I like it!"

"It's a total war zone out there," Low Light moaned as several other Joes outside fought and tried to eat the blob outside the window. "I was lucky to get away with my life!"

"We're lucky that Gung Ho woke up really hungry this morning," Lady Jaye groaned. "And he has an iron stomach."

"Iron? Gung Ho's stomach must be made out of some kind of mix of adamantium and space dwarf metal," Shipwreck groaned. "We're lucky he actually likes BA's cooking!"

"That's more than what BA will have when we finally get a hold of him," Flint grumbled while holding an ice pack to his knee. "Have they made any headway yet?"

"Nope. He's still being held hostage by the second blueberry and squash pudding he made," Low Light sighed.

"Why did he make two of them?" Lady Jaye asked.

"He said he didn't get the recipe right the first time," Alpine remarked. "Personally I don't think he got the recipe right either time."

"RARRRRRRRR!"

"DIE BLUEBERRY SQUASH PUDDING! DIE!" Leatherneck was heard yelling.

"You'd think BA would know better than to raid Airtight's lab for cooking supplies," Low Light sighed.

"You'd think we'd know better than to let that crazy ex-Cobra cook anywhere near a kitchen by now," Duke moaned.

"Hey you wonder if we call Cobra and ask them nicely they'd take him back?" Shipwreck suggested.

"Are you insane in your membrane?" Roadblock moaned from another chair. His head was bandaged. "That's probably why they left him at the bottom of the ocean in the first place."

"RRRRARRRRRRRRRAARRRR!"

"WHOOOOO HAAAAAAAAAAA!" Gung Ho whooped as he hung onto a flailing tentacle. Then he bit it.

"YIPE! YIPE! YIPE!" The pudding monster fled for its life while Gung Ho hung on.

"Gotta admit, they had a point," Roadblock groaned.

"Exactly!" Beach Head snapped with his leg in a cast. "I say we just forget the whole thing! BA is the idiot who made the stupid puddings in the first place! Let them keep him! We'd all be better off!"

"And just let those things run wild?" Lady Jaye pointed outside.

"Why not? They can't do any more damage than you lot!" Beach Head snapped. "Besides I didn't say to let the puddings run wild. I said for the puddings to keep BA. After the puddings kill him then we can destroy them!"

"But if we do that we won't be able to beat the stuffing out of him," Shipwreck spoke up.

"Man has a point," Alpine said.

"It is a good one I will admit," Beach Head amended. "When I get done with that Kooky Cook he will wish the puddings ate him!"

"I don't wanna hear another word about BA or his pudding," Low Light sank into the chair. "I just want to sit here and try to recover what's left of my sanity in peace."

Just then the big screen television snapped to life. "Hello everybody!" Quick Kick smiled. "Once again it's time for another fun edition of Know Your Joe!"

"So much for that idea," Low Light groaned.

"Oh no! Not another Know Your Joe!" Roadblock moaned in pure agony. "My brain is already in pain!"

"Not again!" Beach head shouted as Short Fuse and Quick Kick appeared on screen. "Quick! Somebody help me get out of here!"

"Forget it. I can barely move," Dial Tone moaned as he lay face first on the floor.

"I can barely breathe," Alpine moaned.

"Birdies?" Bazooka had a dazed look as he sat in another chair covered in blue and orange stains.

"If we have to watch this garbage so do you!" Lady Jaye snapped.

"I'd shoot the TV but I'm too tired," Low Light moaned.

"That's right! After a brief hiatus we're finally back!" Quick Kick grinned on screen. He and Short Fuse were bundled up head to toe in winter gear.

"Forget the TV Low Light!" Beach Head moaned. "Shoot me!"

"We all felt a break was needed in order for us to finish recovering in the infirmary and come back nice and fresh!" Quick Kick went on.

"Not to mention waiting for the arrest orders from Hawk and Cover Girl to expire if we were ever caught near a camera again," Short Fuse added.

"Maybe if I summon all my strength I can stagger back to the pudding monster and hope it finishes me off?" Low Light moaned. "Nope…Can't move."

Shipwreck however had found his inner strength and was using it to desperately try to change the channel. "Hey! I can't turn this blasted TV off!" He pounded on the remote but to no avail.

"How the heck are they doing this?" Shipwreck asked, indicating he would have preferred to use much stronger language.

"We have a special treat for all you viewers out there!" Quick Kick continued happily. "We're broadcasting live from a remote outpost in the Arctic Circle! Don't worry! The transmission is untraceable by Cobra but is powerful enough to avoid being jammed! Thus ensuring uninterrupted service and high quality."

"No amount of transmitting power could ensure the quality of this garbage," Low Light grumbled.

"Figures," Beach Head moaned. "The one time we want Cobra to intercept a transmission…And use their missiles to fire on the location."

"I have to admit, they're getting smarter," Duke sighed. "We can't kill them when they're that far off base."

"Now if we could only find a way for them to stay there," Alpine quipped.

"We could get General Hawk to write up a transfer but of course he's off base today too!" Lady Jaye moaned. "They are getting smarter!"

"Well they couldn't get that much dumber," Beach Head groaned.

"And here is today's guest, one of our resident polar troopers. Iceberg!" Quick Kick announced.

"Hi there!" Iceberg was seen waving into the camera. "Stay Frosty people! Oh yeah! It's Iceberg's time to shine!"

"Oh god! He actually wants to be on this show!" Beach Head moaned.

"That's because his brain cells froze years ago!" Shipwreck wailed.

"Hey can we go inside for the interview?" Short Fuse asked as he indicated all the snow behind him. "It's freezing out here!"

"What are you talking about?" Iceberg gave him a look. "It's a beautiful day!"

"It's minus eighteen below!" Short Fuse gasped.

"Like I said, it's a beautiful day," Iceberg smiled. "See? There's barely any wind chill out here."

"But it's so cold!" Quick Kick moaned.

"Hey you guys wanted an interview to see what it's like to be Iceberg," Iceberg gave them a look. "You got it!"

"I think we're gonna get frostbite if we don't warm up soon," Short Fuse moaned.

"Hang on," Alpine raised an eyebrow. "This just got interesting."

"Well at least they're force to suffer a bit through all this," Shipwreck sighed.

"Not enough," Low Light grumbled.

"Okay your real name is Clifton L. Nash and you're from Brownsville Texas, correct?" Quick Kick asked.

"That's right. It's the southernmost city in Texas you know," Iceberg said.

"South, where's there's heat," Short Fuse rubbed his gloved hands together for warmth.

"So what was it like growing up there?" Quick Kick asked.

"It was hot! And I don't mean the good kind!" Iceberg shook his head. "It was Hell, literally and figuratively."

"I see…" Quick Kick blinked.

"It got so hot in the summer you could spit on the sidewalk and watch it sizzle," Iceberg went on.

"Well spit is just water so…" Quick Kick began.

"I was talking about the sidewalk!" Iceberg snapped. "It was so hot the least bit of moisture made it crack and turn to dust! Our town kept going over budget replacing sidewalks thanks to idiot weather forecasters that came to town and demonstrated it to their viewers!"

"Ah…I see," Short Fuse blinked.

"And you don't want to know what happened when they tried to fry an egg on the sidewalk," Iceberg moaned. "The smell alone would keep you up for days!"

"Uh huh…" Quick Kick blinked.

"If your skin touched any kind of metal you'd wind up with first degree burns," Iceberg went on. "As all those idiotic weathermen and their camera crews found out the hard way."

"Really?" Quick Kick blinked.

"I had a cousin that worked in the Burn Unit at the local hospital," Iceberg told them. "Some pretty gruesome stories he had about what happens when you hold a microphone the wrong way."

"I see…" Quick Kick realized this interview may not have been the smartest idea he ever had.

"And all the outdoor pools were practically hot tubs because of the unrelenting heat," Iceberg went on.

"Heat…need heat…" Short Fuse shivered miserably.

"Have you ever seen a lifeguard be boiled alive like a lobster?" Iceberg added. "I have. Three times! Twice in one day!"

"That sounds pretty good to me right now," Short Fuse moaned.

"O-kay," Quick Kick blinked. "Wasn't there anyplace you could go and keep cool?"

"Well one of my favorite hangouts as a kid was the local butcher shop," Iceberg explained. "It had a big walk-in freezer that was just perfect for lounging around in. Some friends and I originally tried the freezer at the local ice cream parlor. But they kicked us out after their entire supply of Butterscotch and Brownie fudge mysteriously 'disappeared'."

"There's a big surprise," Duke drawled sarcastically.

"We tried hanging out at the freezer at the local grocery store but we weren't allowed to go there," Iceberg added. "Not because of anything we did. But because it was the site of a triple homicide and the adults didn't want us kids getting traumatized. Especially with all that frozen blood still stuck to the walls."

"Oh boy…" Quick Kick winced.

"So the butcher shop was the most logical place for us to go," Iceberg kept going.

"The butcher shop freezer didn't have as much blood as the grocery store?" Short Fuse asked.

"Not even close. And it was more sanitary," Iceberg shrugged. "The only bad part was that the butcher shop was on the other side of the city. So if you wanted to go there you'd have had to walk for an hour in the scorching heat with the sun beating down on you while getting sunburned and everything! It was horrible!"

"I d-d-don't know. S-sounds g-good t-to m-m-me!" Short Fuse stuttered while jumping up and down.

"The only way to beat the heat was to go by bike in order to cut down on travel time," Iceberg said. "And to prevent the rubber soles of your shoes from melting into goo. Then again there were problems with travelling by bike as well. What with Crazy Eddie and his pack of roving killer Pomeranians running around chasing bikes all day. Flasher Mike jumping out in front of you for a good laugh and secretly hoping you'll run him down so he can collect on his insurance."

"What kind of neighborhood did you live in?" Quick Kick asked.

"And of course you remember what I said about metal on a hot summer day," Iceberg added. "You could get hurt just riding your bike if you weren't careful! And don't get me started on the hot seat!"

"Right now that doesn't sound so bad to me," Quick Kick groaned.

"Still having a bike was the fastest way to get around," Iceberg said. "Every kid in the city saved whatever money they could get their hands on in order to buy a bike. I did everything I could: allowance, birthday money, selling comic books, lemonade stand, getting a cut from Flasher Mike. Finally after a lot of hard work I was able to buy exactly what I wanted."

"A racing bike?" Quick Kick asked.

"Nope. An air conditioner," Iceberg said. "That way I could stay nice and cool without ever going outside."

"Speaking of which, do we really have to stay out here?" Short Fuse whined. "My tear ducts just froze!"

"Unfortunately, I wasn't able to enjoy my air conditioner very long before it blew up," Iceberg sighed.

"Blew up? Were you able to sue the manufacturer for shoddy workmanship?" Quick Kick asked.

"No, it was my own fault. I tried to soup it up so it acted more like a freezer than a refrigerator, but I kind of overdid it," Iceberg coughed. "On the other hand, it did end up raising the house value by adding a brand new basement."

"Looking back on it now, fighting the giant mutant puddings wasn't so bad," Low Light groaned.

"RRARRRRRRR!"

A pudding blob skitted by the window on fire with Gung Ho, Barbecue and several other Joes chasing it. "Yes it was…" Low Light winced.

"Fortunately for me I was extra good for Christmas and my parents not only bought me another air conditioner, they bought me an air conditioning maintenance book," Iceberg went on. "By the following summer I jury rigged the whole house to have central air. I never went outside for a minute!"

"Really?" Quick Kick asked.

"Our hairless cat Wrinkles had to wear a sweater and earmuffs all the time and froze its tail off but it was still worth it," Iceberg smiled. "Best summer of my life."

"And your parents didn't mind keeping it that cold?" Quick Kick asked.

"Are you kidding? My dad hosted poker games and charged five dollars a person for them to play inside," Iceberg said. "My mother hosted all her Tupperware, Avon and jewelry parties in the house. Women bought things just to stay cool and away from their kids for a few hours. Seriously, one woman paid my mom three dollars for a paper clip just so she didn't have to go home."

"That explains a few things about Iceberg," Alpine remarked.

"In the first two weeks of summer not only did we have enough money to pay off our mortgage, we had enough left over for a family vacation to a ski resort in Vermont!" Iceberg grinned.

"Another piece of the puzzle that I wish had still been lost," Alpine groaned.

"Anyway I still couldn't stand the heat. So when I was old enough I enlisted and asked for duty in Alaska," Iceberg explained.

"Alaska? Wow that's pretty far away," Quick Kick blinked. "What did you think of it?"

"It was cool! And I mean cool!" Iceberg grinned. "Alaska has some beautiful country. Soaring mountains, virgin forests, crystal clear lakes, rushing streams and lots and lots of snow!"

"No…No more snow…anything but more snow," Short Fuse gasped while trying to stay warm.

"It was in Alaska that I began to master every aspect of arctic survival," Iceberg went on. "I learned how to ski, skate, make igloos, go ice fishing and live in polar conditions for months at a time."

"Months?" Quick Kick repeated. "That's a long time to be away from it all. Don't you ever start to miss certain things? Like TV, real food, hot showers…"

"Hot showers? HA!" Iceberg laughed. "Ha Ha! That's a good one!"

"Guys I can't feel my hands…" Short Fuse moaned.

"What? Don't you like hot showers?" Quick Kick asked.

"Heck no! I hate hot showers!" Iceberg snorted. "I hate hot water period. Oh I like a hot cup of coffee or tea every now and then but never a hot shower! They're way too hot! And they cost too much electricity! Mama always said a cold shower will do more for your body and your wallet than a hot one."

"So his insanity is genetic…?" Alpine remarked. "Another puzzle piece."

"Hot showers are ridiculous! Give me a nice refreshing blast of cold water any day!" Iceberg beamed.

"Cold…so cold…" Short Fuse shivered with his eyebrows frosted over. "Can't feel my face…"

"So I take it you really love the cold don't you?" Quick Kick asked.

"He's just realizing that now?" Shipwreck rolled his eyes. "Not exactly quick on the uptake is he?"

"Oh yes! I love it!" Iceberg smiled. "It's my element! I've been stationed in all the great cold areas! I've been to Alaska, the mountains of Colorado, Greenland, Iceland…Which in my opinion is badly named. Not nearly enough ice. Antarctica, and the Arctic. Heck Antarctica is my favorite vacation spot! Who doesn't love watching penguins all day?"

"I can't move…" Short Fuse whimpered. "My blood is frozen."

"Personally I'm not happy until the temperature falls below zero," Iceberg went on. "Then I put on a T-shirt and a pair of shorts and have some real fun!"

"Where does General Hawk find these people?" Duke groaned. "And why doesn't he leave them where he found them?"

"My feet. Where are my feet?" Do I still have feet?" Short Fuse whimpered while looking a little blue. "I can't move my neck to see my feet."

"Yep, there's nothing like going out in subzero weather and feeling your body slowly freeze to death," Iceberg grinned. "Sure it may hurt a little bit at first but you get used to it."

"That's because all the nerve endings in the skin go numb," Alpine groaned. "Kind of like Iceberg's brain."

"That's assuming he has a brain," Low Light groaned.

"But what about frostbite and hypothermia?" Quick Kick pointed out. "You're not invulnerable to them or something are you?"

"Of course not!" Iceberg scoffed. "I'm not stupid!"

"Could have fooled me," Beach Head grunted.

"I just embrace the cold and enjoy it to the fullest," Iceberg smiled. "You know what they say, the best way to appreciate life is by nearly dying a slow painful frozen death!"

"I'm starting to think one of the requirements for joining GI Joe is having some kind of psychosis in your mental history," Duke groaned.

"You learn to appreciate so many wonderful things out here," Iceberg sighed happily. "Like the smell of fresh ice. The songs of the glaciers. The flight of the eagles. The taste of the wind. It just makes you want to let go and sing!"

"If he starts singing a certain Disney song I will shoot him," Beach Head groaned. "No wait first I'll shoot Quick Kick and Short Fuse for subjecting us to this!"

"I will help you," Low Light said. "Once I'm able to move my arms again."

"I personally enjoy it when my nose hairs start to freeze and…" Iceberg began.

"Okay! That's enough of that!" Quick Kick interrupted. "Let's move on."

"Can't…move…" Short Fuse moaned. "Frozen…"

"Now you said you had some kind of demonstration for us?" Quick Kick asked.

"Yep. And here it is!" Iceberg grinned pulling out a thick, spiral shaped disk. It was about the same size and shape as a Frisbee. "Presenting the latest tool in Arctic survival! The MatchBlaster 3000!"

"Okay," Quick Kick blinked. "What exactly does it do?"

"It's a powerful, rugged, reliable, and portable campfire!" Iceberg beamed cheerfully. "Easy to use and environmentally friendly! It is chemically activated and capable of lasting twelve hours while putting out 36,000 BTUs of heat…"

"HEAT!" Short Fuse yelled and frantically tried to get his numb and frozen hands on the device. But unfortunately for him he only ended up knocking it away. It swiftly slid across a large patch of ice and underneath a large pair of storage tanks next to a building.

"Aw now look what you've done! You made me activate the MatchBlaster early!" Iceberg scolded him. "Hey, those tanks store all the base's fuel supplies…"

"Oh no…" Duke winced. "Don't tell me…"

"Three guesses where this is going," Shipwreck winced.

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"AAAAHHH!" The TV image flared for a moment and was nearly knocked out.

"That's one big fire," Shipwreck whistled.

"General Hawk is so not going to be happy another one of our bases blew up," Dial Tone said as he now sat upright watching the mayhem.

"There goes the budget for another year," Beach Head groaned.

"Maybe we'll get lucky and the blast killed them all?" Low Light suggested.

"We're not that lucky," Beach Head groaned.

"Oh I am so going to help you shoot those idiots," Duke growled.

"Beach Head you might want to put up some kind of sign-up sheet," Shipwreck suggested. "Because you're gonna get a lot of volunteers."

"Good idea," Beach Head growled.

"Oh great!" Short Fuse whimpered as he slowly picked himself out of a snowbank. Fortunately it seemed that neither he, Quick Kick nor Iceberg had been hurt. "Now I'm even colder than I was before!"

"Way to go Short Fuse!" Quick Kick snapped waving at the strewn pieces of wreckage around them. "The entire Arctic base has been destroyed."

"Hmmm, this could be a problem," Iceberg commented as the remains of the base quickly began to disappear in the snow.

"YOU THINK?" Quick Kick yelled.

"Good thing we were the only ones at the base this time," Iceberg said cheerfully. "All that happened was a complete and total destruction of the base and millions of dollars in taxpayer funded property damage."

"I am so going to kill them when they get back," Duke grumbled.

"If they get back," Low Light smirked.

"If. If is good," Duke growled.

Iceberg surveyed the damage. "Yup. Looks like the explosion completely destroyed all our supplies. Oh well. No big deal."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'NO BIG DEAL'?" Short Fuse shouted. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

"Oh maybe I won't need that sign-up sheet after all?" Beach Head said cheerfully.

"No we won't," Iceberg assured him. "At least not for several hours. Plenty of time to make a good quinzee."

"A what?" Quick Kick asked.

"A snow shelter. Like an igloo only not made out of snow bricks," Iceberg explained. "See, now you know!"

"And knowing is the reason we're all gonna be frozen to death!" Short Fuse moaned.

"Unless we starve to death first," Quick Kick moaned. "How will we survive without food and water?"

"Hello? There's water all around us!" Iceberg pointed at the snow. "All we have to do is melt it. Even if we have to use our body heat."

"Too bad. I'm all out of body heat," Short Fuse moaned.

"Oh don't worry. Someone will come along eventually," Iceberg shrugged. "The next supply run should be here in about two days."

"TWO DAYS?" Short Fuse screamed.

"NOOOOOO! Help! Calling everyone out there!" Quick Kick frantically shouted into the camera. "Three joes in need of immediate rescue! Send transportation now!"

At this every Joe in the room started to laugh hysterically. "I KNOW YOU GUYS CAN HEAR ME!" Quick Kick yelled. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

"Oh I beg to differ," Beach Head laughed.

"Come on guys! You're not gonna let us freeze to death up here just because we put on a little show and blew up a million dollars' worth of…." Quick Kick began and then stopped.

"We're all gonna freeze to death," Short Fuse whimpered.

"Awww and I wanted to shoot them," Shipwreck snapped his fingers.

"We can still shoot their corpses," Low Light suggested.

"It's not as much fun," Shipwreck said.

"You have a point," Low Light shrugged.

"We're all gonna freeze to death!" Short Fuse wailed again.

"I doubt it," Iceberg scoffed. "We may lose an arm or a leg or three doe to frostbite and spend a couple of weeks in intensive therapy, but we'll be okay. Well actually you two will probably get the frostbite seeing that I have some extra thermal underwear and three layers of socks on but you get the picture."

"We're doomed…" Quick Kick moaned.

"Unless of course we end up getting eaten by polar bears," Iceberg shrugged. "Depends on how hungry they are. They do show up around here every now and then."

"AAAAH! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!" Quick Kick and Short Fuse screamed and ran around in a panic.

"That's the spirit boys! Some nice vigorous cardio will help keep that blood pumping!" Iceberg said cheerfully. "You know that gives me an idea for a new workout tape! Cold Sweat! Losing weight in the Arctic! I bet I could make a fortune! Let's do some jumping jacks! And a one! And a two!"

"Well this is interesting," Alpine grinned as he watched Iceberg do jumping jacks while the other two Joes panicked. "Speaking of a fortune…Ten bucks says a polar bear finds them!"

"No way," Lady Jaye shook her head. "Twenty on their lips freezing and falling off first!"

"Are you kidding?" Roadblock said. "The way those two idiots are running around? Five will get you ten they fall through a hole in the ice and drown!"

"You're on!" Shipwreck grinned. "Step on up people! Place your bets! Place your bets!"

"I guess I will need that sign-up sheet after all," Beach Head said. "Only for a different purpose. Shipwreck put me down for a twenty on polar bears."

"MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"What the devil is that?" Quick Kick gasped as something loud and thunderous approached them.

"Oh look! It's some of my favorite neighbors!" Iceberg cheered. "The friendly muskoxen!"

"Oh god what is that smell?" Short Fuse moaned.

"Fun fact. Muskox are actually closely related to sheep and rams and not oxen," Iceberg said cheerfully.

"AAAAAAAAHH!" Short Fuse and Quick Kick ran from the stampeding muskoxen.

"And they are rather territorial. Especially in breeding season," Iceberg added.

"Okay now we have a new player," Shipwreck called out. "Who wants to bet that they get trampled by muskox? Odds are one to five! Anyone wanna change their bet?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Short Fuse and Quick Kick screamed.

"Make that two to one," Shipwreck snickered.

"So do you think we should send someone to go rescue them?" Flint asked as the Joes began to wager on the fate of their teammates.

"Depends on whether they promise never to do one of these stupid shows again," Duke sighed.

"If they don't we can always just feed them to what remains of BA's puddings," Low Light grinned. "Either way it's a win-win situation for us!"