Chapter Two:

I was told once that there is at least one person in everyone's life that tears them apart, all the way down to the bone. So much so, that they have to build themselves back up to be a better person. I was told that I was that person for him. That I destroyed his very soul and left him to pick up the pieces.

I can't change the past, but that doesn't stop me from wondering how things would have been had I not left. If I had stayed, would we even be together now? Probably not, but I have to wonder.

Did he blame me for everything that happened between us? I did. Maybe if I could have controlled my emotions more, then things would have been different. There was a lot of "Maybe's" and "If's" when I think about him.

Did he believe the rumors that floated around about why things really ended? It didn't take long for catty girls to come up with catty lies. All my old friends believed them, so I'm sure he did too. I'm not sure what hurt more, losing him or losing everyone else that mattered in my life.

I always wondered what he was up to now. Social media could only go so far and let's be real, it didn't go very far at all.

Did he ever think about me like I thought about him? If he does think about me, I wonder what sticks out in those memories. Was it the excited way I'd pat his knee in a movie theater when a trailer I'd anticipated came on the screen? Was it the way my eyes would sparkle when we would pretend to fight, acting like the best Kung Fu fighters? The slow smile I'd get when I opened a brand new bag of beef jerky?

Or did his mind go to when I would cry in his basement every time my parents would kick me out and I had nowhere to go? Or the heat in my voice with my short temper that I got from my father? Or maybe the guilt on my face when I gave the ring back?

All of this was fifteen years ago, when we were practically kids. It didn't feel that way then, but it sure does now.

I go back to that time often, because it's probably the biggest regret I have. It may be the only regret I have. I try to live my life with the thought that every experience has made me who I am, so don't live with regrets. But the way things ended and the heartbreak between us… I have regrets. It's my daily dark shadow.

"How are things going?"

Blinking a few times to bring myself back to the present, I looked across the table. It was a simple question that deserves a simple answer. I could tell them the truth and say that I felt like I was in a dead end job, a dead end apartment, an almost dead end car, and with a mostly dead end boyfriend. Maybe the words would come out with a shrug to show that I wasn't doing much about it at this time. There might be a little laugh in my voice to show that I was close to picking up and leaving everything behind.

"I'm doing fine. How about you?" Or I could just lie.

Lifting my beer, I took a slow sip of the liquid. Yeah, the lie was better. I was just in a rough spot and it would pass. I'd be happy again soon. Right? I'll just keep telling myself that's how this works.

My job wasn't so bad. I was just burned out from all the overtime now that we were short handed. Once you hit the unhappy stage with a job though, it was hard to bounce back. There was a lot of self care and mindfulness that a person has to do to be OK with things again.

The apartment wasn't the worst, but living by myself now meant that I had to lower my standards. At least I didn't have to live in a gutter apartment downtown somewhere. It was just smaller than I would have liked and the carpet had some pre existing stains when I moved in. There was no dishwasher and the fuses popped everytime I used the microwave. But I'd lived in a mold covered, ant infested, leaky apartment in college. This was easily ten times better than that place.

"Are you actually fine?" Keiko laughed sarcastically. She was a good friend from a previous job. We'd both worked at a bakery one summer. I'd just left college and needed something until I got a better job. At that time she was starting to dabble at becoming a pastry chef. "It's been, what?" She tapped her chin as she pretended to think, "LIke six months since your divorce became final?"

I shrugged and took another drink. Maybe if my mouth was busy, she wouldn't expect me to answer.

"And you are dating someone already?" She pointed that same finger at me across the table. "Are you sure that you're ready for this? You were married for six years."

Again, I shrugged, but this time she waited for me to respond. Sighing, I set my glass down on the table. "I'm fine, really. We were separated for a while before the divorce was final." My ponytail swiped the back of my neck as I shook my head. "Anyways, this is just me having a little fun. Shishi isn't about true love, Keiko. He's just … a good time."

"A good time?" Keiko rolled her eyes. "Is that what you're calling that self-absorption?"

I picked up my beer again and took another drink. Luckily, I only lived a few blocks down the road, because we hadn't been here long and my second beer was almost gone. At least it was happy hour and it wouldn't cost me much. Keiko was nice enough to go to a bar close to me, because my car didn't always start. So this way I could always get home.

"He's not that bad." I set my glass down on the table and ran my finger over the rim. This guy I'd seen a couple times was actually that bad, but I kept seeing him for the worst reason in the book. I was lonely.

"Botan, please," Keiko took a sip from her long island. "You don't need this guy."

"Can we talk about something else for a little bit?" I asked quietly. Her brown eyes watched me closely for a moment, trying to read my expression like it was some coded inscription to break the latest delima.

"Yeah," she said with a softer tone. She was mother henning me and I didn't want that comfort blanket today. "Tell me about work."

I groaned, because that conversation wasn't much better than the last one. Maybe I'd just stick to the gossip in the office and stay away from my lack of self- worth. "Well, the girl that works across from me got herself a new guy. Again. It's probably the fourth one in two months. She made a point to tell me that their first date ended up with sex in her car."

"That sounds awful," Keiko's face pinched in horror. "Why in the car? My knees and back hurt just thinking about it."

"Because he lives in a halfway house for drugs and alcohol and she wasn't allowed inside," I explained and laughed. "Yeah, this guy sounds like a keeper."

"Oh boy," Keiko laughed. "Hopefully this one doesn't steal from her."

"I don't know where she finds these guys." I drank some more of my beer. Even though Keiko asked me about things in my life I didn't want to talk about, I knew it was because she cared.

Suddenly Keiko set down her glass with a thud and narrowed her eyes. "Did you do this?" She didn't elaborate, but remained silent. Silent enough for me to hear the old man at the bar cracking peanuts. The Trivia Night's microphone in the adjacent room squealed from being too close to the speaker. The bartender threw his head back and deep laughter filled the air for a moment.

Then I heard the song and started to laugh. Shaking my head, I patted my chest with my free hand like it would help me catch my breath between bursts of laughter.

"I swear, not me this time." I laughed. "I haven't even touched my phone."

Her eyes remained narrowed as she looked around the room. A couple at the bar chatted non stop. The old man was still attacking the peanuts. There was a group of guys at the pool tabling singing along. "Them."

I'd seen the group in here before, but had never talked to them before. Looking at them now, they seemed about our age. Maybe a little too old for this college bar scene. One guy turned and made eye contact with me. His orange curly hair bounced as he gave me a head nod and a large side grin. It must have been this guy who picked the music. Turns out we both like to play the Ghostbuster's song at bars to see if anyone would react. Bustin' does really make me feel good.

Keiko had endured it a lot over the years and never quite understood the appeal to the song. She thought it was overly corny and didn't care for 80's music to begin with. She was more of a country music girl. Which was half the reason I would always play it on the TouchTunes jukeboxes when we went out.

I laughed again as I picked up my drink again and finished the beer. As I was leaning over to grab my phone to check the time, the door at the front of the bar opened. My back was towards it, but I could hear a couple of guys talking about some movie they'd seen the other day.

"Oh he's kinda cute, " Keiko mumbled into the ice of her almost empty glass. Her eyes were staring from under her lashes. Her voice dropped deeper and I could see her breathing slowed as she watched. "There's no way he's from the Dinkytown area. He's too buff."

"What do you mean?" I tilted my head to emphasize my point as I spoke sarcastically. "You mean that all the guys in this area can't be skinny, pasty, high, white guys in their early 20's?"

She made an unladylike like grunt in the back of her throat, acknowledging my remark. "You should see the arms on this guy though."

I watched her swallow and it wasn't often that Keiko visually fondled a man. "Are you having a wet dream over there? Can you keep it in your pants Keiko?"

She laughed and finally looked at me again. "I'm sorry Botan. Are you ready to pay up and go? We could get a can for the walk to your place?"

I nodded and pushed our chairs back. Keiko downed what little liquid was left in her drink before we headed to the bar. Koto and Chuu were working together tonight behind the bar. They owned this bar and did pretty well for themselves in this college town.

"Hey girls," Koto greeted us from the register. "You closing out already tonight or you wanna do another round?"

"Just a couple of cans please and then we'll close out," Keiko smiled at the woman. Koto's white tank top seemed almost fluorescent under the bar lights and her pink shorts were so bright that I tried not to look at them. "I have to work in the morning. Next time, we'll have to stay longer."

We weren't supposed to take the can's off site, but it was an unspoken thing here. You go out to 'Smoke' with your drink in hand, as long as it wasn't glass, and just don't come back in. We just walk the couple of blocks drinking the beers. Definitely a 'Don't ask, don't tell' type of situation.

"Two PBR's." Chuu set down the cans and popped the tops as we paid. "See ya next time." He walked away and Keiko and I looked at each other before looking at Koto.

"He's awfully quiet tonight for Chuu," I said as I picked up my can. "Is everything ok?"

Koto shrugged one shoulder and rolled her eyes. "Those guys at the pool table. They can get loud and unruly sometimes. Chuu likes to keep tabs on them. He usually volunteers to be at the front door, carding people so that he can see them at the tables. There's a couple of them that get obnoxious when they have a lot to drink."

Keiko and I both nodded. We'd met plenty of those guys and didn't need to get mixed up with that now. "Hopefully they don't get crazy tonight. Best of luck with them."

"I'll check back tomorrow to make sure the place hasn't burned down," I chuckled and Koto smiled warmly.

"Please do," she gave her own smile and we turned to leave.

I was waving my farewell to Chuu as he set up his station by the door when Keiko made a humming noise so quiet that I almost missed it. Turning to look at her, I caught sight of the group in the table room. At the Simpson's pinball game was a tall red head with hair color that could blend in with the Target logo. My steps slowed as I stared.

It wasn't often I saw that color red on a man. He was tall and skinny and I was sure that my mind was playing tricks on me. Shaking my head, I took a few steps to quickly catch up with Keiko. Must be the alcohol and the long day at work. Maybe I should have slept more last night. Or every night prior.

The night air fell on us as we left the bar like a blanket that had been left outside all winter. I took the first sip of the cheapest beer the bar had and tried not to cringe. This wasn't my first pick for a good drink, but for the price, it could be a whole lot worse.

"You saw who I was talking about right?" Keiko looked at me as we walked a few feet down the sidewalk towards the crosswalk. "The dark haired guy with the muscles?"

I shook my head as she looked through the window of the bar. We were at the corner waiting for the light to turn so that we could cross and we could still see into the bar. The pool tables were in complete view from where we were and I scanned the crowd inside for the man Keiko mentioned.

Again, my eyes caught the red hair in the room and staggered. This time he wasn't at the pinball game, but at a high top table next to the pool table. He was laughing at something another man was saying to him.

It was him.

My breath caught in my throat and I swear that I almost dropped my beer. Those green eyes used to make my worst days just a little bit better. Especially when he'd smile at me. I'd recognize his face even in a dark room. I'd seen it so many times in my dreams over the years that it'd been engraved.

"You see what I mean?" Keiko breathed next to me and I tried to focus on what she was talking about. "He's gorgeous." I knew that we weren't talking about the same man, but I felt myself nodding.

His hair had gotten so much longer over the years and it was past his shoulders now. I watched him lift a drink to his lips and I wondered if he still kissed with the same tenderness that made me feel like I was his whole world.

"Botan, you are staring pretty hard," Keiko nudged me, but I couldn't look away. It'd spent years wondering what it would be like to see him again.

Should I go back in and say something? No. I'm already outside. It'd just be weird to go back inside and interrupt their gathering. But what if I never get this chance again?

"Botan," Keiko said my name again with a little more urgency. "The crosswalk is a go."

I blinked a few times and took one step back, trying to break the spell I'd thrown myself into. However, that's when his green eyes looked out the window and met my pink ones. For a moment I wasn't sure if he could see him through the window and the darkness outside, but his once laughing expression started to fall.

He was as stunned as I was that we were both here. I raised my free hand and waved a sad excuse for a wave. Mostly just my fingers moved like said little finger puppets in the wind.

Honestly, I didn't expect him to even acknowledge me. That didn't stop me from giving a small hopeful smile. My heart jumped a few beats when he returned my awkward finger wave and half smile.

Keiko sighed next to me. "We missed our crossing." Then I looked at her. My hand still awkwardly in the air. She was next to me, but looking in the opposite direction. When she turned to look and noticed I'd been waving at someone, she looked at the bar to see the men inside looking at us. "What did I just miss?"

"Nothing," I whispered and dropped my hand to my side. I lifted the can to my lips and started walking down the block. "We can grab the crosswalk at the next block. There will be less cars there anyways." I took a swig of my drink and it didn't make me cringe as much this time.