I do not, in any way, shape, or form, own Harry Potter.

When Lilith woke up the next morning, it took her a few moments to remember why exactly she was in such a good mood, and why she wanted (not had wanted. Wanted.) to smother Parkinson with a pillow before she woke up.

Lilith would happily admit that she could be somewhat possessive, and hearing Parkinson talk about her boyfriend like that was truly infuriating. It was also, however, completely worthwhile, considering that what Lilith had planned would simply kill her.

While not normally the type to go out of her way to make others unhappy, Lilith truly detested Parkinson, and if her being with Harry made dear Pansy jealous . . . While it certainly hadn't been Lilith's intention, it was a nice bonus.

I do believe I'll spend some extra time getting dressed this morning, Lilith mused happily. Wouldn't want to look anything less than perfect today.

Harry was quite happy that it was a Saturday, as it meant that the normal dress code didn't apply. He was also, despite his protests at the time, truly grateful that Sirius had conspired with Mrs Weasley (a terrifying thought in and of itself) to take him on an extended clothes shopping trip over the summer.

He still didn't have anything particularly posh (aside from a single suit, which Sirius had insisted they purchase before shooing them out the door. Harry still didn't know why, but he did know Sirius, so he decided that that was probably for the best), but he did have clothes that fit, and he was determined to find some combination that was . . . he supposed "fetching" was the word.

It took awhile, and Harry's pride had suffered a number of blows in the process (Ron, Dean, and Neville were not helpful. Even Seamus had put aside his animosity towards Harry to provide a few opinions, which stung every bit as the others'), but he eventually settled on a pair of black jeans and a green turtleneck the same shade as his eyes, which, according to Mrs Weasley, was a good thing.

Today'll be a good day, Harry decided as he walked into the common room.

"Aren't you excited, Pansy?" Tracey asked in her seemingly infinite capacity for obliviousness. "You look amazing! I'm sure Potter will eat you up!"

Greengrass gave a grunt of what might have been assent, which, for her, was like declaring Parkinson to be the most beautiful girl in the world.

Lilith couldn't help but feel an odd mixture of elation at Parkinson's imminent humiliation and a cold fury at the thought of anyone other than her attempting to impress her boyfriend. She supposed she'd have to get that under control lest it show in her expression.

"Yes, I'm sure today will be wonderful!" Parkinson gushed throwing Lilith a triumphant smirk, which she had to keep herself from responding to in kind.

"Tell me, Pansy, how did Draco respond to your and Harry's relationship?" Lilith asked, genuinely curious.

"Oh, he was furious," Tracey replied offhandedly. "He made quite the scene."

"Oh?" Evidently she had underestimated just how wonderful today would be: not only would Parkinson humiliate herself, but she had also already humiliated Malfoy in a similar fashion, and all because she had tried, and failed, to screw with Lilith's had. Since Malfoy was being indirectly punished for his wandering eyes, it seemed to Lilith that his and Parkinson's suffering was largely self-inflicted, which only made it sweeter.

"Yeah, he made a big fuss about how Potter's nothing special, how Pansy was lowering herself to dating a half-blood, how he's the best in our year at everything, and a whole bunch of other stuff," Bulstrode chimed in, sounding bored.

Lilith shook her head sadly. It was no great secret that Harry could beat Malfoy at just about anything, nor was it uncommonly known that Malfoy was very, very, jealous and resentful of him for it.

If hearing that his girlfriend dumped him for Harry pissed him off, I can't wait to see how he reacts to hearing that she dumped him for a chance with Harry.

Lilith looked around her at the other fifth year girls, all of whom were dressed up to some degree. Tracey had insisted, though Lilith couldn't for the life of her figure out why. Parkinson was wearing enough makeup (none of it particularly flattering) to supply all five of them, as well as a very revealing skirt and matching shirt. For a pureblood, it was almost scandalous, which, Lilith supposed, would only further add to the embarrassment of her doomed mission.

Greengrass wore, for whatever reason, a very conservative ballgown with light makeup, despite the fact that Hogwarts hadn't held a ball since the previous Christmas. Tracey was also wearing a dress with minimal makeup, although hers was significantly more casual.

Bulstrode wore a pair of disturbingly short shorts with a long sleeved shirt and a coat that fell about halfway down her calves. She leaned more towards the Parkinson school of makeup, although hers was nowhere near as egregious. Not for lack of trying, simply because Parkinson wore so much that it was difficult to compete with her.

Lilith herself was wearing a pair of dark blue jeans, a white T-shirt, and black trainers with no makeup at all, much to Tracey's irritation. Parkinson, naturally, had taken it a sign that Lilith had admitted defeat.

"Ready girls?" Tracey asked as she threw the dorm's door open dramatically. The five of them stepped out with varying levels of anticipation, making their way up to the Great Hall together for the first time since their first year.

"Harry?" Ron asked in a tone of mock innocence. "Is there a reason you keep looking at the doors?"

Sure enough, Harry had been glancing at the doors leading from the Great Hall to the Entrance Hall every fifteen seconds ever since he, Ron, and Hermione had sat down for breakfast. Although, to be fair, the fact that he had drank six mugs of coffee in the past half-hour likely didn't help with his skittishness. Alleged skittishness.

Just as Hermione was about to tell Ron to leave Harry alone (in such a way as to subtlety mock him herself) and Harry was about to chuck a biscuit at Ron's face, the doors burst open dramatically. Which was odd, since they were usually kept open during mealtimes. In fact, Harry would swear that they had been open when he had last checked twenty-seven seconds ago.

In walked the five fifth year Slytherin girls, Parkinson in the lead with Greengrass and Davis waking next to each other behind her and Lilith and Bulstrode behind them. Harry hastily cast a breath freshening charm, earning him a knowing smirk from Hermione and a suggestive eyebrow waggle from Ron.

Harry, after subtly (or at least, he hoped it was subtle) casting the charm, shot Lilith a questioning glance, to which she replied with a wink.

The five of them, to the surprise of most everyone present, marched up to the Gryffindor table, Harry rising to meet them. "You look wonderful," he told Lilith once they had reached each other. Lilith beamed at him, though Parkinson somehow seemed to get the impression that he had been addressing her.

"Thank you, Harry," she replied breathily. "May I have a private word?"

"Err, no?" Harry answered intelligently. Hoping to end the painfully awkward and confusing exchange before it really got going, he turned to address his girlfriend directly. "Morning, Lilith," he said brightly. "Care to sit with me?"

"Been practising?" she asked, sounding much more amused than Harry felt was really called for.

Harry snorted. "I'll have you know my charm is completely natural, love. In fact, its genetic!"

"Some genes," Lilith scoffed, evidently unimpressed.

The whole time they were talking, Parkinson (along with most of the hall) was staring at them with dawning comprehension, which quickly gave way to anger as Harry pulled Lilith in for a (relatively) brief kiss.

"You- him- and you- ARRGH!"

Davis was watching everything with open fascination, Greengrass had very slightly raised a single eyebrow and one corner of her mouth was pulled up into the smallest possible smile (which was the most emotion Harry had ever seen her express), and Bulstrode looked like she had broken her brain.

"Alright, what did you do, love?" Harry asked, grinning from ear to ear.

"I don't know what you mean," Lilith replied innocently. Harry raised an eyebrow at her, eliciting a small chuckle. "I may've fanned a few flames," she confessed. "But it was really all Parkinson's fault. I certainly didn't ask her to try and make me jealous by claiming to be your girlfriend."

"I'm amazed the rumour even spread fast enough for her to hear I had a girlfriend," Harry replied with the air of someone attempting to solve a mildly interesting puzzle.

"Well after Ron's announcement," Fred Weasley began joyously from the Grffindor table.

"We decided to spread the happy news!" his twin, George, finished, sounding as though he had won the lottery.

"'Course they did," Harry muttered.

"Announcement?" Lilith asked, sounding annoyed.

"Err, yeah, that bit's Ron's fault," Harry reported sheepishly, running a hand through his hair. "Hermione mentioned that you were in our potions class, and he kind of blurted out that I was dating a Slytherin. Really loudly," Harry added, shooting Ron a death glare.

Everyone in the Great Hall was been watching their conversion, eyes flicking from Harry to Lilith to Parkinson and back again as though they were watching a tennis match, whispering furiously all the while. Nobody interfered, however, seeming to think that whatever they were watching was more interesting than it would be with a few more players.

"Harry," Lilith began reproachfully. "I had plans." Harry gulped slightly. "And woe betide anyone who gets in the way of my plans."

Before Lilith could continue her scolding, Parkinson marched up to her, shoved her aside, and grabbed Harry's face with both her hands. "You don't want someone like her, Harry," she informed him, batting her fake eyelashes at him as she spoke.

Harry, for his part, pulled out of her grip and tried to hide behind Lilith. "Help me!" he pleaded as he adjusted his head so that he could keep a wary eye on Parkinson.

"Luckily for you, this is a lot more entertaining than what I had planned," Lilith said as though she hadn't been interrupted, "so I'll let you off with a warning, this time."

Harry visibly relaxed, though Parkinson looked, if anything, angrier than ever.

"Her? Really, Potter? When you won't even look at me?"

"But you hate me," Harry said, getting more confused as the conversion wore on. "Why would you-"

"Either to make me jealous or because you're hot enough to make up for it," Lilith answered, watching Parkinson's reaction carefully.

"Oh, well, when you spell it out like that," Harry said, sounding thoughtful, "why would I want to date someone like Lilith when I could be with the shallowest girl in school?"

"I guess I just can't compete with you, Pansy," Lilith sighed dramatically. "So sad we both have our eyes on the same boy."

"I'm not a commodity," Harry protested.

"You're cute when you're indignant," Lilith decided, choosing to ignore his larger point.

"I'm always cute," Harry informed her with a self-satisfied smirk.

At this, the students burst out laughing. Lilith turned away from Parkinson to face Harry, looking at him sadly. "I'm not sure where you leaned to flirt, but . . ."

"But I had a great teacher!" Harry protested.

"Either that's not true, or your charm really is genetic." At this, the entire Gryffindor table started laughing uproariously.

Harry, who couldn't decide whom to glare at first, decided to take the high road and ignore them. "I'd swear you're trying to imply something," he said, face screwed up in mock concentration. "Oh! I got it! You're saying that because my parents were so charming, it means that I am, too."

"That's exactly what I'm saying," Lilith informed him, grinning. This was the first time she had ever engaged in such banter: Tracey wasn't nearly bright enough to keep up with it, and Theodore was too prim and proper to hold with such plebeian nonsense. Her Ravenclaw friends, while they certainly could banter like this, just weren't the sorts to do so.

"I believe, Mr Potter, Ms Moon, that the two of you have held our attention long enough," Dumbledore cut in, eyes twinkling (although, as he now always did, he avoided meeting Harry's). "If the six of you could take your seats?"

They did, though Parkinson waited for Harry and Lilith to sit first so that she could take a seat from which she could glare at them. The offending couple took seats (or rather, a seat: Lilith deposited herself on Harry's lap) opposite Ron and Hermione, and the four of them enjoyed an oddly quiet breakfast. As Harry half expected, the other shoe dropped almost as soon as the meal ended.

"You guys go on," Harry muttered to Ron and Hermione as he noticed Umbridge, in all her toad-like glory, stalking towards them, a sickeningly sweet smile plastered on her oddly square face.

Ron, registering Harry's tone, refrained from another eyebrow waggle as he and Hermione stood.

Luckily, or unluckily, depending on one's view, Harry and Lilith were the last two students in the hall by the time Umbridge reached them, leaving them alone with her and professors McGonagall and Snape.

"We haven't broken any rules, have we, Professor Umbridge?" Harry asked in an innocent tone.

"I should like to know how you two thought that your little display was acceptable," she informed them. Her voice was like sugar mixed with potassium cyanide: disgustingly sweet and instantly fatal.

"I'm sorry, Professor, but I'm not sure what you mean," Lilith told her, fighting hard to keep any irritation out of her tone. "I believe that Parkinson made more a scene than we did. Neither of us screamed."

Harry, before Umbridge could respond, leaned forward and said, in a very carrying whisper, "we can fix that, love."

He knew, as soon as he said it, that there would be hell to pay later, but the expressions on McGonagall's, Snape's, and especially Umbridge's faces were absolutely worth it.

As Umbridge was unable to do much more than splutter furiously, Harry decided it was time to leave. He stood, pulling Lilith up with him, before nodding politely to McGonagall and grinning wickedly at Snape.

As the three of them were still frozen in shock, Harry stopped at the doors and pulled Lilith into a long kiss, which she responded to with a vengeance.

All in all neither was particularly surprised when Umbridge announced her next Educational Decree the following Monday.

AN: This'll be the last update for this story. I mean it this time, guys. I'm working on the sequel, and I'll be posting the entire thing once it's finished, but it'll be a story with a very different feel to it, hence the reason I'll be doing them separately. Also, the sequel will probably be a while. Like, a long while, since I'm still looking for a beta, and I've been having a hard time writing a more political story: I've been having a hard time writing an introduction that amounts to more than just people sitting together and explaining stuff to each other.

This story was only ever intended as a lighthearted alternative pairing fic with a healthy dose of "nobody likes Umbridge," but it kinda took on a life if its own after I realised just how much having an intelligent, confident, and politically savvy person in his life would affect Harry. Well, I suppose Dumbledore's all those things as well, but he isn't exactly unreservedly on Harry's side, now is he? A touch manipulative for my tastes, personally. The sequel, on the other hand, will be much more serious and will explore the consequences and implications of Harry and Lilith's relationship.

Speaking of Lilith, her actual (which is to say cannonical) name's Lily, but everyone (myself included) thought that it was Lilith since forever ago, so to me, Lilith she shall remain. Sorry if that confuses anyone. Except not really. Personally, I think it's kinda weird to date someone with the same first name as one of your parents, or at least, weird enough that it's unlikely to happen in fiction unless it's a plot point, so yeah. There's nothing wrong with it by any stretch, it's just kind of a weird coincidence. Especially for someone like Harry who never knew his parents, and spends a lot of time around people who refer to them by their first names.

Moving on. As I say, the sequel will hopefully be up soonishly, but as I said, I plan on writing the entire story before I start posting it. As far as its actual content goes, it'll mostly focus on Lilith and Harry using the political system to their advantage in the fight against Voldemort. Oh, and, because I realise that it probably wasn't very clear in the story, I'd like to point something out here: Harry and Lilith's negative opinions of Parkinson break through into the narration, much as they (or at least, Harry's does) do in cannon (unless Parkinson actually does look like a pug, which I have a hard time believing), hence the reason she's constantly described in purely negative terms. Parkinson, at least in my story, is actually rather pretty, but as both Harry and Lilith despise her, they don't actually see it. So yeah. That's the reason for that. If you were wondering. And yes, Tracey did close the doors to the Great Hall just so that Parkinson could open them dramatically.

Pretty long-winded AN, but I can live with that. Before I sign off, I just wanna say one thing: the response to this story has been completely insane, and I mean that in the best way possible. I never imagined that I'd get more than a few dozen views, but I certainly have, and it makes me happier than I can say. Not only that, but I've gotten, like, a bajillion reviews. And not just stuff like "hey, man, good job." Naw, I'm talking actual, reviews. I've gotten some really interesting and thoughtful feedback, and that, without a doubt, is just about the coolest thing ever. But I'm rambling more than ever now, so I'll just end this here. As always, thanks for reading! Duke out!