Slight overlap with the Epilogue of my previous story so apologies for those readers who have read that too. I just wanted to set the time frame.
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A New Moon Rises
7th August 1997
Nymphadora Tonks opened her eyes and, even as they were still adjusting to the light streaming in through the little window of her room in her parents' house, became instantly aware of the presence of her sleeping husband beside her.
She knew now.
Or at least, she thought she did. She dared hope that she did. Yet nothing had been able to fend off the tiny shards of worry that had been stabbing at her mind for the past fourty-eight hours.
She hated herself for doubting him, but she couldn't help it. Remus was a wonderful man with a good heart, that was why she had fallen in love with him in the first place, but that didn't change the fact that he had walked out on her, abandoning both her and their unborn child in his panic and fear and misplaced sense of duty. It wasn't the first time he had tried to run, and although he had given her his word that it would be the last, she was still scared.
As she stared at the glowing rainbow stars that had been painted on her ceiling for as long as she could remember, despite her parents' frequent pleas that she let them refurbish her room to a more sophisticated and grown up style, Tonks replayed in her mind the conversation from two days previously. She and Remus had sat, side by side, on the bench at the end of the garden as he tried to justify his reasons for leaving her, for abandoning her, and as she tried to hold on to her resolve that she would not let him take her for granted, that she would not welcome him back instantly with open arms just because he apologised or said it had been a mistake. She had heard it all before, and the only way she could possibly let him come back was if, and only if, she could be certain that it was for good.
"You promised you'd come back!" Despite her desire to present a strong and dignified front, she had not been able to stop her voice shaking and her eyes filling with tears. "And I've spent four days thinking you wouldn't!"
Her stomach clenched miserably at the mere memory. Four days of sheer hell. Four days, during which she had stayed, shut up in her room, refusing company and only accepting meals for the sake of the child that she was soon to bring into the world, remembering her husband's vow that he would always, through the good times and the bad, be there for her, her eyes filling with tears every time she pictured the caring, devoted look in his eyes as he had said the words.
Had she been a fool to believe him? No doubt her parents thought as much, but she had avoided all contact with them after Remus's departure, so as not to give them the chance to say it. Hearing those words out loud would have made everything one hundred times worse. But she wasn't as much of a fool as people might think, and she was very determined not to stand for it again. If Remus wanted to be her husband, and her child's father, then something had to change, for good and for the better.
"How can I be sure that this won't happen again?" Her voice was stronger now, her resolve strengthened. "That next time you get scared it won't be four weeks...or four months? How do I know you'll even come back?"
"Because I won't leave you at all." The definite tone to his voice halted her outburst, surprising her with his fierceness, and she found she was hanging on to every word as he continued.
"Dora, I have spent my whole life pushing everything away. Every chance I've ever had to be happy. I've never listened to what people have tried to tell me. I honestly thought, until today, that everyone would just be better off if I leave them alone."
Almost automatically, she felt her eyes raise skywards. How many times had she heard that argument? When was Remus going to understand that none of the people who truly cared about him, least of all his own wife, were going to appreciate him disappearing from their lives?
"But I don't think that any more," he pressed on. "I- I get it now. And finally everything people have been saying to me...it makes sense!"
Suddenly she had no reply. It wasn't what he was saying, rather how he was saying it. Raw emotion had replaced the calm tact that Remus habitually displayed, and as he continued to speak she couldn't help but believe in the sincerity of the words.
"I mean to keep those promises I made," he said to her, reaching out and taking her hand. "I'm not going to run away again. I am going to stay with you, and protect you, and care for you, and raise our child with you. Please, just give me one more chance to prove it."
And although she had wanted, for a split second, to say no, to say that it was too late, that she couldn't trust him completely and that she could not risk not putting herself and their future child through the uncertainty and heartbreak of a potentially absent father, the words had not come, and as his soft eyes bore into hers, glinting slightly with suppressed emotion, he uttered the final word again.
"Please."
The hoarse break in his voice had nearly broken her heart as well. And so she had granted him the benefit of the doubt and let the relief that he was home overwhelm her, knowing that it meant she would not have to spend that night lonely and miserable, but could instead spend it in the arms of the man who she loved in spite of his mistakes, the man whose child was steadily growing inside her, the man whose life was now intricately and irreversibly bound with her own, whether she tried to turn him away or not.
Nevertheless, two days later, as she lay awake and watched the sun break through the grey haze of dawn and turn the sky to a violent, blood-stained red, she could not deny that she was still worried. She couldn't help it. How could she be sure that it wasn't going to happen again?
As if in answer to her question, Remus stirred beside her, still half asleep, and reached out an arm to pull her towards him. Tonks relaxed a little as the warm, familiar arms wrapped around her currently slim but soon to be growing body and they lay in complete silence for a long time.
"I love you." It was an indistinct, muffled murmur, but it was enough, and she turned, pressing herself against him, in that moment forgetting her doubts in the relief that he was there.
"I love you too."
His arms were strong, his body warm, his presence so real. How could she possibly doubt him?
oOo
The inconsistent emotions merged into a pattern over the following couple of weeks. In the light of day, when she was awake and when Remus was so permanently kind, and loving, and attentive, her reasons for doubting him melted into nothing, replaced by the certitude that he really was by her side through thick and thin, no matter how hard the obstacles that lay ahead of them. But at night, when she, as light a sleeper as she was, sometimes awoke to the sound of the wind in the trees, or a howl in the distance, and would lie there trying but failing to go back to sleep, the fear would kick in again, leaving her powerless to eradicate it.
It didn't help that they were still staying with her parents. Her father had pleaded and then her mother had insisted, given that their own place, the little flat that Tonks had called home for the past five years, was situated in an area currently overridden with both Death Eater and Dementors, with attacks ever on the rise. Reluctant as she was to stay with her parents longer than she could help, there had been little other option for the time being. But it was hard. Neither Ted nor Andromeda had been impressed with the way Remus had vanished, sending no word nor sign for the best part of a week, and while Ted's attitude had thawed remarkably quickly upon his return, Andromeda was still maintaining a frosty demeanor whenever she spoke to her son-in-law, making it doubly difficult for Tonks to forget her worries.
"What is it?" Remus asked her quietly, one evening as she stared out the window, pondering the issue. She turned, shaken out of her reverie, and forced a smile on her face, but it stretched into a genuine grin as she watched Remus pull on one of his smartest shirts for their weekly Sunday dinner. He was fighting an uphill battle, trying to win over his formidable mother-in-law, but her resistance was only making him redouble his efforts. Tonks felt a sudden surge of fondness in her chest as she crossed the room to stand in front of him.
"Nothing, why?"
"The tips of your hair always go light blue when you're worrying about something." A crease of concern split his tired but gentle face.
He was right, they did. Unless she was paying the utmost attention to conceal it, and she had been to preoccupied with her thoughts at that present moment in time. She cursed her gift at times. As useful as it could be, it had also given away her true feelings more times than she liked to count.
"Damn hair," she muttered. "Did I ever tell you about the time I accidentally transfigured McGonagall's glasses into doughnuts in my third year? I was really hungry and I wasn't concentrating and so I accidentally did the wrong spell. In the wrong direction."
"Yes, you did," Remus laughed suddenly and she was struck by the sudden thought that he looked so carefree, and in spite of the evident tiredness, younger than he had looked in a long time. It was pleasant to witness, but also, for a reason she couldn't quite pinpoint, odd. "You kept quiet and feigned ignorance but your hair turned bright red and gave you away." He grinned again, and the feeling of slight unease increased. No, unease was too strong a word, but something was definitely different about him that evening. Unusual.
"But you changed the subject," Remus continued, more seriously. "What's wrong?"
She hesitated. Part of her wanted to confront him, and talk to him, just to gain a little more reassurance that he still meant what he had said two weeks before, but her pride prevented her from revealing her insecurities. She had accepted his return and that was that. She would just have to wait until the worries faded of their own accord.
"Nothing really. Just thinking about..everything."
He looked unconvinced, but accepted the vague explanation without question and merely pulled her towards him and planted a soft kiss on her forehead before taking her hand and leading her downstairs to the dining room.
oOo
Something was still not quite right about his infallible good mood that evening, something strange about the beaming smile he bestowed on Ted and Andromeda as they entered the kitchen and the courteous tone that he adopted despite her mother's tight grimace in return, something different about the voice that asked, with such politeness and warmth, if they needed any help preparing the dinner. Why it was odd, she still could not fathom. After all, Remus had always been warm, polite, and - in recent weeks at least - cheerful and pleasant company.
It was only as they were about to sit down for dinner and she went to shut the curtains in the dining room and looked up at the darkening sky, that it dawned on her. The full moon was approaching. How could she have forgotten? She could see it now, an almost – but not quite – perfectly formed orb hanging in the sky, one that, in twenty-four hours time, would bring about the physical change in her husband that she always dreaded, and that he, if possible, dreaded even more.
And that was precisely what was strange about his attitude that evening, she mused, still staring up at the sky. She knew Remus well enough by now to know the change that the approach of the full moon normally brought about in him. Moods, silence, a pained expression, a refusal to communicate with anyone and a blatant desire to escape from all human company whenever possible. There had never been anything she could do about it. Sirius had told her as much just three weeks after her initiation into the Order of the Phoenix.
"You get used to it," he assured her quietly, noticing her visible distress as Remus excused himself early from the dinner table and left the room, having not said a word all evening, his face pale and head slightly bowed. "He'll be fine after the full moon. It just... takes its toll, I suppose."
"So he's always been like that?" Tonks was suddenly eager to find out more about the man who, even then, had intrigued her with his mild manners and kindly demeanor.
Sirius nodded. "Every month. Nothing can get through to him, you just accept it after a while. Trying to have a normal conversation with Remus in the run up to the full moon is about as easy as getting Snape to shampoo his hair."
She forced a laugh, but her thoughts remained fixed on the man now alone in his room upstairs in Grimmauld place and her heart went out to him. "Even when you were at school?"
Sirius merely shrugged. "It wasn't always as noticeable, there were more things to take his mind off it. But yes, even then, he could be moody as hell, and more often than not we would just piss him off even more by trying to cheer him up. We left it to Lily in later years, she was better at it than we were. Used to say James and I were tactless."
She snorted in sarcastic amusement. "You? Tactless? Don't be ridiculous!"
Sirius raised an eyebrow "Well, I believe it's a family trait," he informed her dryly. "I'd like to see you talk Remus out of a bad mood one of these days!"
"Well, maybe I'll accept that challenge!" she retorted.
Sirius just smiled, a knowing and vaguely smug expression suddenly written over his haunted but still handsome face.
Tonks turned away from the window and refocused her attention on her husband and her parents taking their places at the dinner table, trying to dislodge the sudden ache in her chest, a reminder that the pain of losing her favourite cousin would never fully leave her. She felt her eyebrows knot as she saw Remus laugh at a joke her father had just made, his face broken into a wide and genuine smile. Of course, he could simply be trying to make a good impression, to continue repairing the damage he had done to her parents' estimation of him when he had run away. And yet, there was something so sincere about his smile, something so warm about the sparkle in his grey eyes as she sat down next to him and he put a gentle hand on her leg, his eyebrows still furrowed in vaguely suspicious concern for her well being. She smiled back and gave him an almost imperceptible nod to assure him that she was fine. Which she was. More than fine. But there was no denying that his attitude was strange. Unprecedented, even.
She watched him intently all evening, trying to catch a glimpse of the pained expression that she had seen many a time before on his face, but even in moments of silence, or moments where her parents were not in the room, he remained smiling and attentive, the only signs of the approaching full moon being a slightly pale face and a more evident weariness in his movements as they helped clear the table and headed upstairs.
She was still watching him half an hour later, as he took his mug of steaming wolfsbane potion with an almost completely concealed grimace, and came to sit down next to her on the bed, pulling her into a tight embrace and kissing the top of her head as she buried her face in his chest and breathed in the familiar scent.
Normally, she hated these nights, these hours spent prior to the full moon. It wasn't just the knowledge that the following night would inevitably be spend apart, it was also his attitude, his distant expression, his forced smile as he gave her a loving but guarded kiss before lying down and turning his back to her, his shoulders hunched, refusing to let her even put her arms around them. How many a time had she lain there sadly, well aware that Remus was probably feigning sleep too, wishing with all her heart that he would let her help him and counting down the hours until the moon began to wane again.
So it normally was. Yet tonight here he sat in front of her, smiling as he ran a strong but soft hand through her currently pink curly hair and pressed his lips against her own, his eyes - unless she was very much mistaken - betraying a playful spark as he pulled her even closer to him.
oOo
"What changed?" She said abruptly, an hour later, when there was room again in her mind for such thoughts and they were lying, entwined, in the dim light of the bright moon that was filtering in through the curtains.
"What do you mean?" he said slowly, but his tone was guarded, and she guessed he knew exactly what she meant but was playing for time.
"Only that.." she hesitated. "You've changed," she went on haltingly. "I mean... I know you changed your mind when you came back, but it's more than that. It's the full moon tomorrow, and yet..." she trailed off again. She really was making a mess of this, but she had started now, so she might as well try and drag out what she could and attempt to get the reassurance she had been craving since his return to her.
"I was scared," she said, finally. "I couldn't help it. I was scared that you'd panic again when the full moon came around, that you might leave. But after seeing you tonight, given.. the circumstances.. it seems like something really has changed. For good."
There was a silence and Tonks wondered if she should have held her tongue. It was the first time since his return that either of them had made any reference to it, and maybe it should have stayed that way, a mistake buried in the past. Then Remus spoke again, his voice heavy but with no trace of annoyance for her question.
"Dora, I know that you had every right to lose your trust in me."
"It's not that... I haven't!" she protested at once.
"Well, many people would argue that you should have done," he murmured, lifting his hand to brush a few stray curls out of her eyes. She closed them at the familiar touch, lulled by the calmness of his voice.
"But I'm so grateful that you gave me another chance. I know it was more than what I deserved." Her eyes snapped open and she made a second noise of protest, but he did not let her speak.
"It was a lot more than I deserved," he insisted firmly. "You could have turned me away and no one would have blamed you. I am so, so glad that you didn't. But coming that close to it has made me see what I stood to lose, and how much of my life I have wasted worrying, and moping and feeling sorry for myself."
"You had good reason-" But he cut her off again.
"No, I didn't," he said stubbornly. "We all have issues we have to deal with. Mine just occur at regular monthly intervals, that's all. And it's high time I just accepted that."
Tonks stared at her husband, suddenly wanting to argue. No matter what he said, she felt that he had had far more issues to deal with than she had, far more issues than a lot of people. It wasn't just the pain and difficulties brought about each full moon. He had suffered so much loss, in both wars, and so much prejudice and hate throughout his whole life. Yet she understood, just by his tone of voice, that Remus did not want her pity, and in that moment, she knew she would be doing him a dishonour by trying to offer it to him.
"So if you think I've changed, I'm glad," he finished, and even in the low light she could see the smile had returned to his face. "Because something needed to. And it should have happened a long time ago."
"Well if you put it like that, I'm glad it didn't," she joked, the weight that she had been increasingly aware of recently suddenly lifted from her chest. "Otherwise someone else might have won you round before I got a chance!"
He laughed too. "No," he said softly. For a moment she thought he might add to it, but he didn't. He just pulled her closer and held her, and she felt sleep instantly trying to creep up on her.
"Only you, Dora." She was only dimly aware of the words as her eyelids grew heavy and sleep crashed over her. But it was the reassurance she needed, and although she woke up that night to a sound an owl hooting outside the window, the worry of the past two weeks did not return and the only weight on her chest was that of Remus's hand, maintaining contact with her even as he slept peacefully.
She knew now. And, more importantly, so did he.
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a/n: I'm keeping this story as a twoshot for now. I do have plans to expand it properly at some point though.