Author's note: AAAAAH! This fucking shit! I'm finally done with this chapter. A goddamn month and a half to have it done. What the fuck!?

I blame Fate Grand Order for the delay. The entire first half of May and last half of April very busy because of the CCC fate extra BB event! For those of you who don't know this was a very long and very grindy event that occupied a great deal of my time. Well it wasn't that bad since I was following the shotgun shogun's guide. But still it took too long!

But I did get BB and finished all missions and emptied the entire store, and still had a whole week left to grind for money! And the best of all is that I had been saving my summon tickets since January and I was able to pull both Meltryllis and Kiara! And I still got 40 tickets left! Bwahahahahahahaha!

I also was able to finally try and finish Sekiro Shadows die twice and read all of the world of ice and fire book.

So yeah, it's been a very good month for me. Also, because I went out into vacation at the end of April and that helped me with the farming. Even though I was supposed to be visiting my mom in another state. Blegh! I did nothing but farm coins this past month, might as well call me a fucking peasant since that's what I became. Now I know how the small-folk feels…

But goddammit, this fucking long grindy event just finished last week and they're already announcing the Rashomon revival event by this Wednesday! The grinding is eternal! Bwaaaaah…! But the rewards are so good! It's not fair…

I'm going to use my forty tickets for the Quetzalcoatl and Ishtar banner and see what I get. And since it took me 35 tickets to get Meltryllis and only 5 (plus an accidental 30 quartz 10x summon) to get Kiara. I'm more than guaranteed to get something… And next month is the anniversary campaign (which comes with free daily goodies) But also comes with a paid 30 quartz summon for a guaranteed 5-star servant! And I already have 300 free quartz that I'm saving for the summer event at the end of July to try and get both Raikou lancer and Nero Caster! And then by September Musashi comes back and I will have again enough tickets to pull her. Her and Tomoe Gozen!

All those 5-star servants… My mouth is slobbering… In any case, what was I doing…? Ah, yes… The next chapter of this story. Here you have it you bastards! I hope you enjoy it. Meanwhile, I'm going back to farm the Daily Quests to keep leveling my Meltryllis. She's already lvl 86…

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Ranma ½ belongs to Rumiko Takashi, The Elders Scrolls V: Skyrim belongs to Bethesda.

CHAPTER 3

JUNIOR CSI'S IN TRAINING

OR

GUY'S ADVICE TO LOVE LIFE

+Windhelm, Winterhold+

+Hjerim Manor+

Our bizarre group of heroes, alongside their city-guard guide, were standing in front of an old manor that seemed to have been abandoned pretty recently, the trail of blood found on the graveyard having led them here. However, the place seemed completely deserted, the slow falling of snow dripping from above compounded with the lack of any light coming from within the interior of the residence or the lanterns outside gave a particular eerie feeling to the place.

"This is Hjerim Manor, the place where one of the victims, Frigga Shatter-Shield used to live. It's been abandoned since her murder…" Jorleif declared as he gestured towards the big desolate building.

Mousse made a face at hearing that. "Ugh! So, cliché for a killer to return to the scene of one of his crimes. What could he have wanted by coming here, anyway…?"

"Who knows how the mind of a killer works, it is not something we should concern ourselves with. We are here to catch him and bring him to justice for all the innocent lives he has taken!" Jorleif replied in a chastising tone, Mousse simply grumbled at his uptightness.

"Then let's get to it already! I'm starting to get frozen on my spot just by standing here because of all this snow. At this rate I'm going to catch a cold or something…" Ranma complained out loud, clearly not in the mood for a discussion to take place in the middle of the street.

Jorleif nodded and proceeded to climb the small steps of the entrance before grabbing the doorknob and proceed to turn it. Only do discover that the door was locked shut. "Locked… Not surprising considering this place has been abandoned." He said in an unsurprised manner.

Ranma growled in irritation and turned towards Ryoga. "Goddamit! Ryoga, kick the door down so we can get in already and stop having our balls getting freezed over here!" He ordered to the bandana-wearing martial artist while he shivered on his feet, arms crossed and hands guarded under his armpits.

Ryoga glared at him. "Don't order me around Ranma! I'm not your servant! But I'll do it since I too can't stand the cold anymore…" He grudgingly complied.

Barbas then also gave his two cents. "Well get on with it will you? My fur is starting to grow ice!"

"I'm on it, already!"

Jorleif was suddenly alarmed by such declaration. "Now wait a minute! You can't go around breaking into people houses by force even if they seem to be abandoned. This manor is still the property of someone even if the previous owner was murdered!" He chastised, trying to make a show of authority to keep the trio of martial artist and dog from committing crimes. Lydia didn't care, the week in the forest quickly showed her that her new Jarl and company aren't the most law-abiding citizens, plus her housecarl oaths forbid her from going against the wishes of her lord, much to her irritation since Ranma is a walking magnet of trouble.

"Yes, because we can see how much the owners care about this house by the pristine condition in which they keep it isn't it?" Mousse sarcastically commented as he gestured to the dark building that had been piling up the snow of the last seven days without anyone haven't bothered to sweep it.

"This house belongs to the mother of the victim!" The guard replied chidingly. "Lady Tovar Shatter-Shield, obviously it is very painful for her to visit the place where her daughter was murdered and thus it shouldn't surprise anyone that the manor has started to fall in disrepair."

Ranma had to admit that was actually a good point. "Okay… I can see why she wouldn't care much about making a few rounds over here to see if the manor isn't crumbling down on its feet, but how can this help us in opening this door without kicking it down…?" He asked, trying to keep his usual jerkiness out of his voice because even him can realize that making fun about this whole killer business would be a shit thing to do.

"Well… There's no other choice but to go speak with old lady Shatter-shield and ask her for the key to the manor." Jorleif simply replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Ranma groaned at that, not keen about keeping wandering about Windhelm's frozen streets in the middle of a snow-storm. "Just great… And where are we supposed to start looking for this old lady in the first place…?" He asked in a tone that clearly told he wanted to curse the gods, or in this case Talos in specific since he is the only one he's met, for his rotten luck.

"Well, she tends to spend most of her afternoons in Candlehearth Hall. Though I'm unsure how the death of her single daughter would have affected her usual routine…" The guardsman commented a little unsure.

Ranma only cared about one thing that Jorleif said. "Candlehearth Hall… That's the inn isn't it? Ah! So, this old lady is the one that always sitting in one of the tables at the back of the inn. I think I I've seen her before during our previous stays this past week. Well, if our next step is to head to the inn then I say better not to make the old lady wait and get moving already. It would be an improvement over standing here getting our asses frozen, they always have a fire burning inside the hearth of that Inn for what I've seen…"

Barbas seemed to agree with that idea. "Blessing of Azura to that, anything will be an improvement over our current situation. Let's get moving already!" He said, before trotting off back in the direction they had arrived.

"Right… Let's get to it before we turn into ice cubes. Also I don't think is a good idea to leave Barbas alone for too long. Who knows what kind of trouble that dog will get himself into…" Ranma said, signaling the others to follow.

"Look who is talking…" Mousse sarcastically replied but followed Ranma nonetheless.

!

The group entered inside the homely inn right in the middle of the heart of the city, taking a moment to warm themselves by the fire before turning towards the innkeeper and asking her for the whereabouts of lady Tovar Shattershield.

"Old Tovar…? She left for her home hours ago. She looked pretty down in the dumps for what I could see, then again, it's not surprising considering this whole Butcher of Windhelm business that has been terrorizing the city. And old woman who lives on her own, the husband having passed on years ago and her only daughter slaughtered like cattle inside her own home. It is a wonder she still has the strength to rise out of bed every morning after all the tragedies that have struck her life… If you want to speak to her, I could show you the location of her house in a map if you have one…" The Innkeeper offered after questioning.

They did so and proceeded to head towards Shattershield's home next, though not without complaint as none of them wanted to continue braving the snowstorm raging outside and started dragging their heels as long as they could. It wasn't until Lydia told them all to tough it out like real men, since snowstorms are pretty much common in Skyrim and real Nord men don't care if they have to wade through mountains of snow to reach the place they wanted to go every time they went outside, that did Ranma and Co. finally decided leave the cozy interior of the inn, though not without lots of grumbling under their breaths.

They arrived in front of the old woman's house and Jorleif decided to be the one to call for the woman by knocking on her door. :Knock: :Knock: "Lady Shattershield, are you there? We come to speak to you about the investigation over your daughter's murder! :Knock: :Knock: Lady Shattershield do you hear me?" The guardsman called without much success. He shook his head in defeat and turned towards Ranma. "She doesn't answer, perhaps she's not home…"

"Oh, hell no! I didn't accept to have my balls frozen a second time only for us to return with our tails between our legs!" Ranma exclaimed, clearly at the edge of his rope due to the whole wandering around Windhelm with nothing to show for it except frozen-cold chilling his bones.

Shoving the guardsman aside, much to said guardsman displeasure, Ranma was about to kick the door open, only for said door to suddenly open on his own. The sound of old creaking wood being able to pierce on everybody's ears despite the snow storm, revealing that the door had been left ajar rather than fully close.

Puzzled for a moment at this unexpected development, Jorleif took the chance to move past him and enter inside the residence. Only to recoil back with a gasp of horror as he saw something beyond Ranma's sight. "By Talos! What the blazes in oblivion happened here!?"

Knowing that something was wrong, Ranma immediately stepped inside the building and turned his eyes over its interior, only to discover the body of an old woman hanging from the rafters. "Jesus!" He exclaimed, jumping back, having never seen such a morbid scene in his life.

His companions quickly were by his side, only for them too to be taken aback by the sight of the dead woman. Jorleif took his eyes from the deceased lady and began to quickly search the place with his eyes in the hopes of finding a clue of what had transpired, quickly focusing on a note leaved behind on a nearby table.

He took hold of the parchment and quickly began to read its contents, turning towards Ranma and co. to share his findings with them once he was done. "For what this note tells me, it seems old lady Shatter-shield couldn't withstand the heartbreak of losing her only daughter so soon after the death of her husband and decided to take her own life… She died alone and resentful, cursing the divines for allowing her family being taken from her before her time… These are some very ill omens that bode nothing good for the city…" He told the group, clearly disturbed at the implications of this crisis.

Ranma said nothing, and only limited himself to stare at the body of the departed woman, a cold focused look of determination falling on his features. "Did you find the key?" He said in a complete emotionless voice that was much colder than the snow falling outside, a testament of how much he was dipping in the soul of ice technique.

Jorleif was pulled out of his musings by the grave tone of the pig-tailed martial artists, his instincts warning him that he shouldn't delay on his response. "I… Haven't started to look for it yet. Perhaps it's… On her person…" He morosely said as he gestured towards the dead woman.

Ranma turned to glance at Lydia with a look that made the housecarl stand at attention, all the disdain she felt towards her Thane discarded aside as she unconsciously stepped into her role of retainer that had been deeply ingrained into her during her training. "Lydia, find me that key!"

"Yes, my Thane!" She replied with a crisp salute, before marching on towards the hanging corpse to fulfill her orders. A few moments of scrounging through the pockets of the deceased woman found Lydia with the key they had come looking for in her grasp. "Found it my Thane!"

Ranma nodded before addressing Jorleif again. "You're going to call for people to take her down and give her a proper burial am I right?" He asked crisply.

The guardsman nodded. "Yes… I have to report this, and more guardsmen will have to go through the scene as it is protocol." He said, still mildly unsure by the sudden change in demeanor of the usually lackadaisical martial artist.

"Then do so! We will go back for the manor in search of clues, and once we find them, we will put a stop to this killer…" He said, giving one last look at the dead woman before turning on his heels and walking out of the house. "C'mon, Mousse, Ryoga. We're moving!"

"Okay, Ranma…" Ryoga said, in a serious mood too.

"Right… Right…" Mousse simply offered a subdued response but acquiesced nevertheless.

"Damn boy, you're not messing around anymore…" Barbas said as he trailed after them. "This is just like back at the cave with the Vampires…"

!

They returned back to Hjerim Manor and finally managed to get the door open and enter the abandoned residence, seeing the obvious blood trail on the floor, Ranma began to follow it without saying a single word to his companions who simply limited themselves to trail after him without saying anything. The blood led to a chest in the southeast corner, which Ranma simply opened with a kick and started rummaging through its contents.

"There's nothing in here but a bunch of pamphlets that say, beware the butcher! Alongside this book…" He said, finally deigning himself to address his companions as he turned to show his findings to them.

Mousse fixed his glasses over his face with a hand before proceeding to take the pamphlet from Ranma's grasp with the other and proceeded to read it out loud.

"Beware the Butcher! The killer who haunts the streets of Windhelm! These calamitous times bring out the worst in people, don't become the next victim! See Viola Giordano if you spot any suspicious behavior… Mmmmph, I wonder who this Viola Giordano could be? Maybe he or she could help us and give us a clue on how to find this butcher…" The blind Chinese boy said, rubbing his chin in thought.

"That book on your hand looks like a journal to me my Thane…" Lydia suddenly spoke, addressing Ranma, still turning to her housecarl instruction due to the obvious hostile disposition of the pig-tailed martial artist. And since she has already witnessed many stupid feats of insane strength from her new Thane and his companions, she wasn't dumb enough to try and test his patience when his mood is foul. "You should read it since it will undoubtly tell us something that could help us catch this butcher…" She adviced.

Ranma's simple answer was to shove the journal into her hands and give her a single succinct order. "Read it for me Lydia…"

Without any complaint she opened the journal and began to read as instructed.

-The plans are coming together swimmingly. I've found good sources of bone, flesh and blood, but thus far a good sampling of sinew and marrow have escaped me. No matter. The city is swollen with contemptuous fools who will be missed by nobody…-

A sudden crashing noise stopped Lydia's reading mid-sentence and she turned her eyes towards Ranma who had just punched a nearby tables into splinters. "Sorry about that… Please continue Lydia…" He said as he began to pace about the place, a heavy tension visible in his shoulders.

Lydia correctly guessed that the best response she could give was to ignore what had happened and continue reading as if nothing was wrong.

- Last night was almost able to corner Susanna as she left Candlehearth. Idiot guard showed up at just the wrong moment and I had to turn about, just out for a stroll, and so forth. There will be other chances, but the time is drawing near. I think back to my time in Winterhold. All the wasted minds up in their towers. They only explore the magic they already know. I am discovering new magic here. Something deeper than the cantripped shenanigans of fire and light. This flesh magic is older than us. Perhaps older than the world itself. I am tugging at the corners of the fabric of the universe, and where it bunches and folds is where I shall create my greatest triumph. One more attempt at the Candlehearth girl. She's proving to be a bit too cautious, but those strong joints of hers should contain the most exquisite tendons. Worth the effort. Tonight…"

Lydia simply closed the journal after finishing her reading, taking a moment to take stock of the reactions of her audience. Ranma looked as if he wanted to punch something, using all of his well-crafted control to keep himself from lashing violently, the temperature of the room appeared to reach dangerous low levels as frozen mist began to form. Ryoga and Mousse didn't seem to fare any better, as they too appeared disturbed at what they had just heard. Barbas however, had gone pale in the face.

The housecarl nodded to herself, let out a sigh and addressed her lord again. "So… It appears this is the work of a necromancer. No surprise there, this entire business fits exactly in their M.O. Their kind are infamously known to cause these sort of disasters, small wonder they were banned and hunted down two hundred years ago by the now extinct Mage's Guild." She said is if it were the only logical explanation for the killings.

Barbas shook his head in a negative. "No… I'm afraid this is much worse than some simple corpse lover. Flesh magic… That is a type of magic that is closely tied to the god of madness, Sheogorath… Well, at the very least we can now be sure that the man responsible for these murders is clearly insane." The dog said in a flat tone that did nothing to reassure Lydia.

"What!? Sheogorath!"

Ryoga, unsurprisingly, had a look of complete ignorance as he idly scratched to top of his head in puzzlement. "Who is this Shuma Gorath? Sounds like a name for a weird bizarre villain out of a western Gaijin manga or something…?"

Barbas gave him a 'what the hell you are talking about' look and proceeded to explain and answer his question in a tone that one would use for speaking to little mentally-impaired children. "She-o-go-rath. He is the Daedric prince of madness, you do know who the Daedra are right? They are the dark gods that live in the planes of Oblivion beyond this world, eternal and powerful beyond belief and who could flay all the flesh from your bones but with a look if you are ever unlucky enough to draw their attention!"

"Oh…? Well that sounds bad…" It was the lame response of the former pig-cursed martial artist.

"No shit!" Mousse replied with no small amount of sarcasm.

Ranma was starting to get impatient by the banter. "So how does that help us to stop the killings? Does this mean one of these dark gods is helping this nut-job to commit his crimes and we will have to fight him if we want to stop the killings!?" He asked with no small amount of anger.

Barbas stared at him with an incredulous expression. "You, fight a Daedra Prince!?" The dog suddenly broke in laughter, his guffaws echoing loudly in the old abandoned manor.

"What's so funny Barbas!?" Asked a very incensed Ranma.

"You, thinking you can fight the Daedras is what's funny. Only the divines that protect this world from the influence of Oblivion, like Akatosh or Talos, are the only ones capable of facing them in equal terms, and even then they don't always win. There's always an invasion from the unending hordes of oblivion every score of centuries or so. Just look at me, I'm a creature who hails from one of those hellish realms and yet here I am, talking to you so leisurely as I please even though the barriers between realms set upon two hundred years ago at the end of the Oblivion crisis should stop any incursion from forces outside this world to take place." He explained in a rather uncaring attitude.

Lydias was understandably pretty disquieted by that revelation. "Okay, that is actually pretty disturbing once you start thinking about it…"

Ranma, however, was his usual dismissive self. "So? You're not from around here, big deal Barbas. Neither I or my two minions are from this world either." He said in that infuriating cocky tone of his. Barbas gave him a look that told he wasn't expecting that kind of answer.

"Wait, wut…?" A stupefied Lydia could only say.

"Hey, don't call us your minions you fucking transvestite!" Mousse yelled back rather rudely.

"Yes Ranma, I'm not a one-eyed yellow midget who looks like a sausage with legs!" Ryoga exclaimed in affront. Mousse turned to give him a look that questioned his IQ.

"Says the guy wearing a yellow shirt…" Ranma casually replied, earning him an outraged OY! From Ryoga in turn. "Also, who you're calling a transvestite!? There's nothing queer about me, only 100% pure undistilled manly man right here!" He said with a huff, pointing at his chest.

"So, you're saying you've never wore a dress before in your life?" Mousse said with a mocking smile.

Ranma seemed almost to physically rear back but composed himself just in time. "Never!" He reiterated.

Ryoga scratched his head in puzzlement. "But Ranma, I've seen you wearing dresses plenty of times before, both in your male and female forms."

Barbas zeroed on that quicker than when chasing after a treat. "You like wearing dresses!? You know, that's even more surprising than you saying you guys are not from Nirn. I never would have expected for you to have that sort of preferences. It's true what they say that you never can know how people truly are on the inside at first sight." He said with a sagely nod.

Ranma couldn't help but blush at the accusation. "I never wear a dress by choice, I can assure you that! Sometimes I have to demean myself in order to deal with troublesome situations that have been thrown on me thanks to the blunders of my old man or because of these two idiots' faults. If I can avoid it, I prefer to dispense of any girly stuff unless strictly necessary, thank you very much since I know there will always be something that would reverse my curse back to normal and leave me to suffer an unbearable humiliation. And I always make sure to let everybody know just how little interest I have in that sort of inclination!" He harshly stated by waving a fist threateningly.

Everybody from Lydia to Mousse gave him skeptical looks.

"But Ranma, you once tried to seduce me in your girl form by wearing a dress and pretending to be my girlfriend, don't you remember?" Ryoga said so casually that the eyebrows of their listeners got raised so high up as to disappear in their hairlines.

"So, you do are of such preferences, you must have come from one of the realms ruled by Sanguine to partake in such debauchery!" Barbas exclaimed with a look of eureka. Even Lydia was shaking her head in disgust at him.

"What! You're serious pig-boy! Did Ranma really tried to jump your bones once!?" Mousse exclaimed in an expression that leaned between surprise and revulsion.

Ranma began to flail his arms all around in panic as he attempted to salvage whatever dignity he could. "You know damn well I only did that in order to get close enough to steal the secret of the Shi Shi Hokodan from you!" He replied, pointing acussingly with a finger.

"So, you're saying you whored yourself out to Ryoga for a fighting technique?" Mousse declared with a dickish smile.

"Noooo! That's not what I said you blind duck! Don't go around twisting my words!" Ranma berated in anger.

Ryoga, however kept pushing the let's gang on Ranma bandwagon. "But Ranma, remember when you got inside my house by pretending to be my little long-lost sister that I had never met, or how about the time you dressed in female gym clothes and said you were my number one fan?" By now, even Mousse and Barbas were starting to get a little freaked out.

"Wow! I didn't know your obsession with your friend reached such disturbing levels. You got issues son! Follower of Sanguine indeed…" The talking dog said with certainty.

Mousse nodded in agreement. "Yes… That's more than I ever wanted to know about what kind of sick relationship Ranma wants with the moron (Hey!) On the other hand, if I had known that Ranma has the hots for Ryoga I would never have worried about him trying to steal away my Shampoo since it is clear he bats for the other side!" He declared with mocking laughter.

Barbas turned to give him a strange stare. "What does your hair-care product have to do with anything?"

Ranma on the other hand was livid. "I do not bat for the other side! And I certainly don't have the hots for anybody, let's of all bacon-breath over here!"

"Hey! Stop insulting me you jerks!" Ryoga complained but was ignored.

Mousse tried to calm Ranma with non-threateningly gestures, however, he was still sporting a jeering smile. "Easy Ranma, easy… It's cool if that's how you really feel on the inside, there's nothing to be embarrassed about, modern society is now a lot more accepting of that sort of thing. So, don't be scared of coming out of the closet, know that when you finally do it we will be very supporting of your decision and would not totally make fun of you because of it." He said in a tone that shined on its lack of honesty.

Barbas seemed of the same mindset. "Yeah, don't sweat about it. I don't know how things were back in your realm, but here in Tamriel people are of the policy that whatever happens behind closed doors is the sole business of the people involved. So, if the little lord likes to bite his pillow that's his prerogative." Mousse couldn't help but explode in laughter by this point, making Ranma turn red in anger and humiliation.

"I'm going to break all of yours faces with my fists if you keep saying I'm a fruit! I'm a manly man who doesn't give a fuck about any of that girly stuff! Keep slandering me and I will shove my foot so up your asses that you will end up vomiting your own shit!" Ranma threatened, losing his shit at having his so called manliness put into question.

"Why you have to make mention of our asses!? And you say you're not a weirdo…" Mousse rebuked, not caring if Ranma blew a gasket and lashed out violently because of it. "It's hard to believe your claims of being a man when you yourself admitted you've pimped yourself out to Ryoga for a technique!"

"No! That's just you putting words in my mouth!" Ranma replied in outrage.

"Eeew! I don't even wanna' know what sort of things you want to put inside your mouth!" It was Mousse's answer as he reared back in disgust.

"That's it! You're dead!"

Barbas stepped as Ranma was about to launch himself at Mousse. "Now just wait a moment, there's one sure way to prove you're really a man…" That stopped Ranma cold on his tracks.

"I'm listening…" He said with a guarded expression.

"Is rather simple, really…" The dog shrugged. "All we have to do is check how your luck with the ladies is…" He simply said.

Ranma's cocky smirk returned to his face. "It's that all…? Well, let me tell you, I have score of girls pinning after me! Dozens of fiancées who all chase me down in the hopes of becoming my wife! With a new one appearing every other week or so. There is no girl who is immune against the charms of Ranma Saotome!" He declared in that insufferable arrogant way of his as he pointed to himself. Both Ryoga and Mousse began grind their teeth in impotent anger at being reminded of that fact. Even Lydia did not seem pleased by the boasts of her Thane.

Ranma didn't cared and simply gestured to his rivals. "These two can testify to the truth of my words, even them cannot deny I'm simply the best there is in picking up girls!"

From the sour expressions on the two boys' faces, Barbas was willing to accept his answer as fact. Ryoga suddenly became pretty livid. "Dammit! I had forgotten how much of a womanizer you are, Ranma! Always cheating on Akane! I should kick your ass to teach you respect!" He threatened.

Ranma simply waved him off. "Now don't be jealous just because I was cursed to be so irresistibly handsome by the kamis." He declared in the vainest tone ever. "Besides, why do you care if I prefer other girls rather than the tomboy? Don't you already have Akari? Or are you perhaps thinking in engaging in an illicit affair of your own behind her back?" The accusation made Ryoga rear back as if struck.

Ranma smirked. "Feh, go figure. I didn't know you had it in you to be such a skirt-chaser yourself bacon-breath. You truly are a pig, curse or not." He mocked.

"You take that back!" Ryoga raged aggressively.

Barbas had to intervene to avoid a confrontation, even though he normally enjoys the sight of violence and takes glee from the suffering of others, he isn't so keen to start mayhem when he is in the same room with the volatile cause of trouble.

"So, I am to understand you have experience as a player. So, it would be safe to assume you've had your fair share of tumbles in the hay…" The extradimensional canine inquired.

However, Ranma just stood there with a look of incomprehension. "I don't follow…"

Barbas gave him a puzzled stare. "What…? You can't possibly be that dense do you?" He said with suspicion. A stumped blink was his only answer, Barbas could feel one of his eyebrows starting to twitch. "Oh by Boethia! I'm talking about sex, Sithis be damned! With so many girls after you, it is expected that you should have already taken a taste of the womanly pleasures. Or am I wrong?"

Ranma spluttered at being so crudely questioned by the dog, the words dying in his mouth before he had a chance to utter them. "N-nn… No…." A squeak coming out of his throat when he was finally able to find his voice. "I've never done anything of the sort! Heck, I haven't even kissed a girl for the first time yet!" He declared loudly pretty upset, his current disturbed state preventing him from realizing the kind of personal secret he had just revealed, but once his brain had time to take stock of the situation, a look of horror fell upon his face.

An uncomfortable silence fell in the room, as everybody stared at Ranma with different grades of disbelief. "You've never kissed a girl in your life!" Mousse was the first to exclaim with a face that told he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Bullshit! That can't be true!" Ryoga spoke next with equal surprise and alarm as he pointed at the pigtailed martial artist with an accusing finger.

Ranma began to erratically gesture with his hands as he tried to explain himself. "Well… I've never seen what the big deal about kissing is, plus every time the subject has come up it has always been during inopportune moments that make it seem more trouble than it is worth!" He quickly explained.

Both Barbas and Lydia just stood there, staring at him as if he had grown a second head. Mousse and Ryoga simply had stupid gob-smacked looks on their faces.

Barbas glared. "Then why in Oblivion have you been boasting about having girls chasing after you when you've never kissed one in your life!?" He demanded.

Ranma couldn't understand why the talking dog was so mad if his lost expression was any indication. "Why? To prove I'm not a fruit. A sissy-boy would not have legions of girls chasing after him, isn't it!?" He declared, assuming a pose of someone who has made a particular brilliant point.

Barbas just stared at him as if he was stupid and ultimately shook his head in disappointment. "That doesn't count if you don't take advantage of the situation! As it is, you're just proving how much of a dumbass you are by wasting perfectly assured chances of getting some! Even the most thick-headed of blokes can tell that!" The dog cried.

Ranma crossed his arms in affront, finding personally insulting what the canine was insinuating. "Well, maybe some of us guys have high standards over the type of woman one would consider acceptable in order to engage in a romantic relationship…" He declared in a higher-than-thou attitude.

"Bitch! Don't be a prissy snob, you don't need to get into a serious relationship with a woman just because you had some hot fun with her. Are you stupid or what? Or you're just simply making excuses to hide your true preferences…?" Barbas said, clearly getting fed-up of Ranma's responses.

Said pigtailed boy suddenly appeared pretty alarmed. "But… But… What about her honor? And wouldn't the father hunt you down to the furthest corners of the Earth to force you into marrying his daughter for having sullied her virtue?" He said with an expression at the verge of panic.

Barbas gave him a weird look, though both Mousse and Ryoga seemed pensive at that. "What, honor? What that has to do with anything? Oh, don't tell me you're one of those white knights that go around trying to defend helpless damsels in distress from whoever dares to put their virtue into question!? Oh, dear Azura… How can you be so naïve!?" He demanded in the throes of despair, but then became thoughtful himself. "Although that last part you say can certainly be a risk that comes with the territory…"

Ranma seemed to take offense again and was about to open his mouth to say something but Lydia intervened in the conversation before he was able to. "If I could have a word in my Thane…" She said, giving the bare courtesies to show deference towards her liege but bull-heading forward before getting a proper response, or permission… "Although it is something commendable for you to show you do not see women as just some outlet for your base desires, despite your less than stellar tendency of having several paramours at the same time…" Lydia didn't sound irritated when speaking of this particular subject, no sir you're just imagining things. "I have to say it is infantile to believe you will have to obligatory marry a woman just because you decide to court her. A mere tryst in the dark or kisses behind closed doors is not confirmation of a willingness to, tie the knot as they say… Here in Skyrim, both man and women are pretty firm and upfront over their desires of wanting to marry or not.".

A bit of her tension seemed to disappear as her shoulders relaxed a little, her demeanor gentler. "Life here in Skyrim can be harsh and fleeting, as I'm sure you've been able to see for yourself as we travel the land. Death can come in the most unexpected and sudden ways and we have to other choice but to accept it and move forward. So, people decide to spend whatever brief moments they have to be together and try to find whatever happiness they have in the company of their significant other before their time to depart from this world arrives…" She said softly, her words managing to calm Ranma somehow as he started to recall images of the vampires in the caves, the jester dragging the coffin of his mother, and the dead woman hanging from the rafters of her own house.

"Okay… I suppose I can accept that things are different in this country than back home…" He said, finally composing himself. "I'm just saying, I don't see what is important whether I've been with a woman in that way or kissed one or not?" He said with a completely confused expression that both Lydia and Barbas realized he was serious and pitied him because of it.

"The fact you have to ask that tells me clearly that you must be a virgin…" The dog said blunly, earning a laugh from both Ryoga and Mousse, and a blush from Ranma.

"What does that have to do with anything!?" The pigtailed boy demanded with great mortification in a rather pitched voice. Even Lydia was embarrassed at discovering that particular information about her lord.

"I'm just saying boy, around these parts you cannot be considered a real man unless you've already tasted the delights that only a woman can offer to a man…" The dog explained in a matter-of-fact tone.

The declaration seemed to bring Ranma's train of thought to a halt, as he was incapable of formulating a reply, simply standing there on his spot with a flabbergasted expression as his mouth opened and closed, no sound coming from it except the clicking of his teeth.

Lydia interrupted with a cough, a blush of her own on her face. "It is true that laying with a woman is one of the most common general agreements that are known to validate the virility of a man, but that is not exclusively the only one. Gaining glory in battle can also be considered another milestone to demonstrate your masculinity to your fellow warriors. And I know for a fact you and your friends have already been blooded..."

"I thought we had already established that I didn't killed that woman in the cemetery!" Ryoga suddenly spoke up, making gestures of denial with his hands and arms. Everybody just stared as if he were stupid, which he is in truth.

Mousse then speaks. "We haven't killed nobody, the only one among us who is a psycho killer is, funny enough, Ranma himself." The Chinese bespectacled boy said with a leer, before proceeding to listing with his fingers. "Before we came here he killed a phoenix lord and forced him to reincarnate and while in this country he killed all those vampires and his slaves on his lonesome while on that cave the dog led us to…"

"I'm going to beat the shit out of…" Ranma began to say, only to be hastily interrupted by Lydia.

"And that's exactly my point… My Thane, you took the burden upon yourself to do what needed to be done when nobody else couldn't. You took no pleasure from it for what I can see and yet you carried through with your decision despite your misgivings because you knew it was the necessary course of action. That is something that your friends cannot boast to have done and it puts you on a higher standing than them. Here in Skyrim those who stand on their decision and see them through to the end no matter what it may be are regarded as real men. Better than a man be an outlaw if he is true to his word and pays respect to the customs on the land than a craven who cannot be relied on and who doesn't care about the country and its ways…" The brunette said in a lecturing, actually managing to cheer up Ranma while Mousse was left to glower.

She was actually just blowing smoke under Ranma's ass since she wasn't in the mood for her Thane and her friends to start fighting again and destroy everything on their immediate vicinity. She has already witnessed many of such fights during their week on the road, and was in no mood of dealing with another one on such enclosed space as the abandoned manor.

"Thanks Lydia… You're right, I'm much better than these two idiots." (Hey!) Said two idiots complained in tandem. "It's just that I hate for people to put my manliness into doubt just because I haven't kissed a girl yet! It's hard enough to prove you're a real man when you turn into a girl half the time without having to deal with this shit!" He said with obvious annoyance.

"I told you that's the way the cookie breaks around these parts. Don't hate me, I didn't make the rules. Hate the game not the player!" Barbas cheekily replied. "But seriously though… What kind of warrior has already been blooded yet hasn't laid with a woman yet? That's not something you can boast about, just imagine the kind of songs that the bards would sing when your exploits become famous throughout the land as all Dovakhiins are wont to…"

Ranma groaned. "If I finally kiss a girl will you stop breaking my balls about it!? Alright fine I'll do it! If only to shut you all up, you cunts!"

Barbas swayed his head in a negative. "No girls… It must be a real woman! You know, wide in the hips and generous of bosom to prove you are truly a real man to be able to handle her! No, skinny tiny lass that will be blown away like a leaf on the wind at the first sigh. Nah huh, this dog wasn't born yesterday you know…" He declared.

Ranma rolled his eyes before turning towards his housecarl. "Fine! Lydia! Do you know where I can find a woman willing enough for me to kiss?" He said in the most nonchalant tone ever, completely ignorant about the glaringly obvious implications of what he was doing.

Lydia didn't say anything. Just stood silent while she looked at him with an expression of 'Are you fucking seriously asking me this to my face!?' In the back, one could her Ryoga yelling 'Ranma, you horny dog!'

Barbas just stared. "Ranma… You are aware that Lydia is a woman, right? Not the most stunning or voluptuous I've ever met, but she does have her fair share of sweet features that make it impossible for her to be confused with a man…"

"My heart warms at your approval of my appearance, dog…" The Housecarl replied in a flat deadpan.

The pigtailed boy flushed. "Yeah… I noticed… But it's Lydia…" He said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"What exactly are you trying to imply with that my Thane…!?" The warrior woman inquired in a deceptively sweet tone that did nothing to hide the underlying threat in her voice.

Ranma, not as stupid as he looks at first glance, easily recognized the danger he was in, having been enough times on the receiving end of beatings imparted by the tomboy back in Nerima for him to know that he better come up with a good explanation quickly or else resign himself to be pummeled to the ground by righteous female fury.

"W-well… I mean… You're a friend, right Lydia? Friends do not kiss each other. That would make things weird between us…" The pigtailed boy stammered his answer but was able to compose himself enough to explain his point clearly.

The housecarl raised an eyebrow in surprise, not having expected such response. "You think myself as your friend my Thane? I don't know what to say…?" She was being truthful. If he had been anyone else, she would have felt honored to be held in such high standing by her liege lord. But this is Ranma we are talking about, and his behavior, attitudes and comments leave much to be desired of someone holding a title of authority.

"Of course, I do!" Ranma exclaimed, a little offended that she would dare to doubt his word. "You're the only one I can trust to not stab me in the back among everybody in here. Unlike the rest of these ingrates!" He declared, gesturing to the rest of their companions.

"Fuck you too, Ranma!" Mousse replied, poppin' up the blade of a dagger between his long sleeves and using it to give Ranma the finger.

"See, they're fucking assholes!" The aqua-transsexual emphasized casually.

Lydia just hummed a non-committal response.

Barbas then spoke. "Well, I do admit that you might have a better foresight than I first thought by recognizing that things would get awkward between the group if you start getting salacious with Lydia. Azura knows that the last thing I want is watch you two stumbling about and dance around the issue like stammering fools while sexual tension builds between the two of you. Can you imagine? Such a disgusting thing to witness! On the other hand… A lord getting it on with the servitude is a common thing, but it's not like you have a keep or lands of your own or something like that…" He mused.

"I would never do something like that!" Ranma exclaimed mighty appalled. "Taking advantage of someone under your service in such manner… That's not honorable!" He declared with self-righteousness.

Barbas squinted his eyes at him. "You put such an unreasonable amount of importance towards honor like your regular goody-two shoes knight, yet you deceive, cajole, threaten, disrespect, beat and steal from everybody you meet… The fuck!?" He said with a puzzled expression.

"That has absolutely nothing to do with the matter at hand…" Ranma simply replied, waving away the issue as unimportant. His companions simply stared and said nothing.

"Well… I suppose is good for you to have a personal code of honor my Thane, no matter how bizarre it might seem to others, at the very least it gives some comfort to know that there are things not even you would lower yourself to do…" Lydia said with a shrug.

Ranma looked at her suspiciously. "What's that supposed to mean…?"

Lydia sighed. "It means, that I guess I should strive to help you with your issue my Thane. I did swear to you I would carry all of your burdens… As the dog said, it is not uncommon for a lord to take some liberties with the women oathbound to him." She said with a displeased expression. "To tell the truth it's not something I am wholly alright with, but it is something I had to keep in mind when I decided to become a housecarl…" A frown appeared in Ranma's face once his sworn-shield had stopped speaking.

"Well, to be fair, he does need all the help he can get on this subject. Considering he is a virgin who was never kissed a woman and whatnot…" Barbas said in a matter-of-fact tone, pissing Ranma off greatly.

"You stupid mutt!"

"Mmmmph…. Perhaps that could help…" Lydia hummed in consideration. "Yes, I would not consider it such a great affront to my honor if I were to consider this as a means of instruction in the arts of seduction. Though I am not the most knowledgeable in the subject, I can at least give some introduction…"

"Teaching this muscle-head how to handle a woman? Yes, I suppose that has some promise…" Barbas agreed in a thoughtful tone of his own. "Now if only there was something that could be done to rid him of that pesky virginity of his…" Ranma blushed at that last part.

"Right…" Lydia said tonelessly in a non-descript response. "Very well my Thane, I will gauge myself how experienced are you in the art of seduction and try to give you a few pointers and corrections if I can…" She said all professional at Ranma. "Just so we are clear, this doesn't mean you have leave to take liberties on me my Thane. I must warn you any slight towards my virtue will be met with painful amounts of retribution…" She warned, fingering with the pommel of her sheathed sword.

Ranma gulped. "I already said I would never do something as dishonorable as that Lydia."

"Good." The housecarl simply nodded as response.

"Okay… So, what do I do…?" Ranma asked. Everybody just stared at him.

Mousse looked stumped at that. "My god Ranma! You truly need lessons on how to handle a woman if you're making that kind of stupid questions!" He exclaimed in surprise.

"You don't seem very surprised over the fact Lydia over is about to smooch with our part-time boy over here…?" Barbas inquired pointedly.

"Back in my home village, the women are the ones who hold all the power and decision making. A council formed of the oldest and wisest of matriarchs rules the village while the younger women usually spent most of their time training and serving as warriors to fight against our enemies. We men are either farmers or trained to become assassins in special cases like myself. So, they made sure to have us all properly conditioned in what our roles are, one of those instructions is how best to please our spouses since they are the ones who command the household…" The bespectacled boy explained as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

"How did that work? Did they had older women showing you how to kiss?" Ryoga asked with an understandable confused expression.

"Not exactly…" Mousse replied evasively. "Mothers taught their daughters how to take the reins in the relationship and then the girls would come and make sure we boys knew our place." He explained with clear awkwardness being shown in his posture.

Ranma turned towards him with a look of realization. "Wait a minute… So, the reason you are so obsessed about Shampoo is because she made you her bitch when you two were children?" He asked in the most inconsiderate tone ever.

"I'm going to stab you Saotome!" Mousse replied, popping a kunai from a sleeve.

"As interesting as it is to get the full story of something we all have already know since forever (Hey! Watch it you stupid dog!) I believe we should hurry things along and get this done already…" Barbas drawled in an almost lazy voice.

Ranma became nervous once again. "Right… So…" He said, leaving the question hanging in the air.

Lydia struggled to suppress the need to roll her eyes at how hopeless her Thane was regarding women, which confirmed he truly was in dire need of her counsel and help. "You get close to me and press your lips on mine." She said in a tone that shone for its lack of excitement.

"Right… Right…" Ranma replied, pressing his index fingers togethers as his face fired up in a blush.

Swallowing a mouthful on saliva, the aqua-transsexual proceeded to approach his housecarl at an unsure and hesitant step. Painfully slowly, Ranma closed the distance with Lydia, and just when he was standing face to face with her, he suddenly stopped in cold not knowing how to proceed, hesitation leaving him rooted to his spot. His indecision lasted only a moment however, as he steeled himself to carry on with the task at hand.

Lydia felt mildly insulted at that. I mean, it's true she's not the most gorgeously breathtaking of all women, but she has believed herself to be comely enough as to not receive that kind of reaction from a man at the notion of kissing her. This is without a doubt one of the worst moments in her life, and a heavy blow to her self-esteem.

Her depressing train of thought suddenly stopped in cold as she felt a faint brushing sensation on her lips, it was so light and sudden that she almost missed it, only to realize her Thane had already kissed her in a most brief and underwhelming manner. The pigtailed martial artist having just gave her a quick and chaste peck on the lips before quickly pulling away as if he had been touching a coal on fire. To say none of his audience was pleased was coming up short.

"That's it! Man, that's the wimpiest weak-ass kiss I've ever seen in my bitch life!" Barbas exclaimed rather passionate.

"I thought you were a male dog…?" It was the stupid baffling comment made by Ryoga, Barbas just gave him a look.

"I gotta' agree with the dog, Saotome. That was lame… So much for the great heart-breaker that is Ranma Saotome." Mousse simply stated with a huff. "More and more I'm starting to think that I shouldn't have wasted two whole years trying to kill you, considering how little of a real man you are, I shouldn't have worried of you ever been able to steal Shampoo from me…" He declared in the most disdainful tone ever.

Ranma was pissed. "Shut the fuck up duck face before I roast you!"

Lydia interrupted their spat, wiping her lips off with the back of her vambraces. "Your friend speaks truly my Thane. You do are in great need of lessons… That kiss was, disappointing…" She said in a displeased tone of voice. She was not going to lie to herself, her Thane is very physically appealing and pleasing to the eye to any hot-blooded female, but his romantic skills are glaringly lacking.

Ranma shut up immediately and made a sharp turn to stare at Lydia. He didn't say anything, just stood there watching her with an intense serious stare.

Regardless of how unwise was to irritate a warrior of the caliber of her Thane, Lydia was not about to retract her assessment. "It is true… That kiss was nothing to write home about my Thane…" It was all she said in the politest way she could despite her crisp voice.

Her words seemed to have taken effect, for Ranma was visibly down-heartened by them. But then he composed himself, and a look of fiery determination started to burn in his eyes. "Very well… If that's the case, then I shall make sure to remedy it. I'll show all of you that Ranma Saotome is more than capable of leaving any woman swooning on her feet!." He declared, and then suddenly he grabbed Lydia by the hips in one fast, unexpected motion and pulled her close to him, his strong firm grip leaving the housecarl reeling. She was caught so off-guard by the sudden demanding initiative of her Thane that she only had one second to wonder about the precipitous development before Ranma smashed his lips into hers in a rather rough but wanting manner.

It was not a kind or tender kiss, too brusque to show any kind of romantic caring, but it had a certain primal possessiveness. A hunger that wanted to conquer her mouth, that demanded for her to submit to the male wanting to lay claim to her. Lydia was not one to surrender without a fight, so she took hold of Ranma from the back of his neck and head and began to push back.

It only caused Ranma to be more aggressive, his stubbornness making act of presence, no matter what, his pride would never allow him but to be the number one in whatever is that he does. Whether that be fighting against other martial artists or prove he could leave a woman breathless with just one kiss. On that note, Ranma suddenly stabbed his tongue right inside Lydia's mouth without previous notice, eliciting a surprised moan of pleasure from her housecarl, and tried to wrestle her tongue down with his own.

Their other companions simply stared, mouth agape as Thane and housecarl battled for dominance with their lips, incapable of saying anything but gape at the intense and almost violent smooching session taking place right in front of their eyes.

As their battle continued, Ranma eventually managed to gain the upper hand and force his will upon Lydia. The housecarl no longer struggling and slowly letting her Thane have his way with her, Ranma demonstrating his great natural talent for learning under adversity by quickly improving his kissing technique the longer he kept lip-locked with Lydia and causing her to feel some very interesting sensations inside her mouth.

Finally, the two separating, mostly to get air back inside their lungs, a thin fine line of saliva still joining their lips, causing Ranma to wipe his lips with a thumb. The pigtailed martial artist seemed a little anxious as he waited for Lydia's verdict. The housecarl however, didn't seemed in any condition to give any pronouncement at the moment, if her lost aghast expression was any indication.

However, as usual, Ranma doesn't wait for anyone and demanded an answer from his retainer without caring about her state. "So…?"

It took a moment for Lydia's eyes to become focused again, blinking the fog of her mind away. When finally her thoughts were set in order again, a look of realization fell upon her before her face lit up in a deep blush, her entire semblance turning bashful and demure as she found herself without words to express herself, incapable of doing nothing but remain silent.

Barbas, found that reaction answer enough. "It seemed you truly rocked her world. I am impressed, seems you truly have what it takes to be a real man…"

Ranma puffed up his chest in pride like a peacock, never gracious in victory as it is his custom. "I told you so! I am irresistible to any woman!" He declared in the vainest and shallowest tone ever.

Both Mousse and Ryoga were grinding their teeth, not appreciating Ranma's cavalier and egotistical attitude. "You're such a fucking shameless cad, Ranma! I'm going to kick your ass on behalf of Akane!" He declared, taking one threatening step towards the pigtailed boy before falling flat on his face. His body turning ram-rod stiff as a green mist swirled all around him.

"Ooops…! Sorry, but it seems to me you could use some time out, boyo… We wouldn't want for any evidence to be destroyed if you were to damage the manor in any way…" Barbas suddenly said, giving a glaringly dishonest apology.

Rama simply blinked and looked down at Ryoga, who could do nothing but frantically glance around his surroundings with only his eyes. "Barbas, how did you do that!?" He demanded in surprise.

The dog shrugged. "I simply used a basic paralysis spell to keep this fool from making a scene. It would be so bothersome if you were to start fighting with me so close to you all, you should wait until I am at a reasonable distance before you start causing mayhem…" He replied shamelessly.

Mousse blinked underneath his thick bottle-bottom glasses. "I didn't know you could use magic dog."

"I am a denizen from the planes of Oblivion, plus I used to be the familiar of Clavicus Vile, one of the Daedric Princes, and hold most of his power inside of me after being separated from him. Of course, I can use magic!" Barbas all but yelled.

"Wait… What!?" It was all that Mousse could say after such revelation.

"Would have been nice if you had used your magic powers before to help me keep these idiots in line…" Ranma said, not caring about Barbas origins, only interested in the things that could benefit him. "But whatever, what's done is done. As long as this idiot doesn't start throwing a tantrum… In any case, I believe we still have a killer to find. C'mon Lydia, let's go upstairs and search for clues…" He signaled to the housecarl as he began to make his way towards the stairs.

Lydia jerked back in surprise at being addressed but immediately composed herself, her entire semblance turning suggestive. "Yes, my Thane…" She purred in a throaty, husky voice as she followed after Ranma.

Said pigtailed boy in question almost stumbled on the first step of the stairs at hearing Lydia's response. "Okay…" He said unsurely, not wanting to think on the implications of such a response as he forced himself to willfully ignore any troublesome issue and proceeded to continue going up the stairs while pretending nothing had happened.

Well, that's it for now, if someone feels that Ranma is been too much of a misogynistic prick. That's the entire point! The whole manga he and his pals do nothing but being dicks with each other and toss shit back and forth between them. And I'm serious, Ranma has done some nasty shit during the course of the manga, and a mountain and a half of questionable decisions and ideas. Like I said, trying to either seduce or deceive Ryoga with his female form, which he does several times.

As I've already said, I'm not trying to present him in a relatable way or try for the audience to sympathize with him. No, what I'm trying to do is show him in the most asshole-ish and dickish way for comedic purposes. Which turns out it's his actual canon depiction, which is the reasons he gets so much into trouble because he annoys people whether incidentally or not just by being him.

I find really hard to feel even the least amount of pity at times because he proves to be quite the right cunt who literally asks to get hit by somebody. No, seriously. There's this scene where he starts to harass Akane and starts blowing raspberries at her face while daring her to hit him like some demented cheap-ass bootleg woody woodpecker. So I cannot find it in myself to feel bad when he actually gets punched by her.

At any rate, my god I've been reading too much ASOIAF lately that it's starting to affect my writing style. I was reading storm of swords before I read the world of Ice and fire that now I'm automatically being descriptive and elaborate in my stories without meaning it. And I don't want to do that because this is a cheap-ass parody that I'm doing on the side and that I don't want to give it much effort since I have other more serious stories that need attention. Otherwise it will take me too long to pull out each chapter. Wah! But what can I do…

On a last note, I've taken some creative liberties to embellish the story in parts, I don't need to necessarily depict each quest the way it happens in the actual game. Plus this is Ranma we are talking about, it wouldn't be him if he didn't derailed canon at times.

In any case, as always leave a review and tell what you think, recommend this story to yours friends and visit my -e on and tell me what you think.