AN: Rated 'T' for innuendo. Good ol' hard, solid innuendo.

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Spinal Cracker

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"...could help, if you need." Vash's voice rang out from behind a closed door as Gilbert and Elizaveta neared the designated break room for the world conference attendees.

There really was no reason for Gilbert to attend the meeting, and usually he stayed absent from these functions, content that his kleiner bruder would tell him most everything he needed to know, and that Elizaveta would fill him in on the juicier tidbits.

However, he'd been feeling...nostalgic, for lack of a more awesome word, lately. He'd wanted to see his old friends again - his old enemies, too, in fact. He'd wanted to be sure he was still acknowledged as individually existing in their crazy world, even if his title as a nation was only mentioned in textbooks of the old days and slipped out from the tongues of the dedicated ones who still called him Prussia.

Sure, the meetings were boring as hell, but they brought back memories of his stronger years, when things like a bite from West's big dog didn't take a whole damned week to heal.

Time healed all wounds, so they said, but it eroded all men eventually, too.

Shaking his head out of the thoughts which were so very far from awesome, he turned his attention to Hungary, as he often did when he needed a welcome distraction from that which he had no control over.

She had stopped outside the door and appeared to be shamelessly listening in to whatever conversation Switzerland was having. He cocked an eyebrow, stepping up beside her.

His eyes widened when Austria's familiar voice replied.

"Would you? That would be very much appreciated, danke." Roderich sounded relieved. "I've just been feeling so... Well, it hasn't gone away like it usually does."

Soon after the sentiment, the eavesdroppers heard the sound of buttons softly being freed, followed by a gentle rustling of fabric.

Gilbert and Elizaveta both knew that sound well. It was the sound of Roderich's favorite coat coming off.

Vermillion-red eyes narrowed. Why was Roderich's favorite coat coming off in the break room with Vash? It wasn't exactly a sweltering day in mid-autumn. They weren't having the meeting in America's Texas or anything, after all!

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but you can't solve every issue by ignoring it, you know." Switzerland grumbled reproachfully. "You need to take care of yourself."

"I do." A dismissive 'tch' sounded. "I usually try to twist around and do it by myself, but it's difficult to reach that spot. Sometimes Ludwig helps, too, but he's so busy these days that I don't like asking him for favors."

Gilbert and Liz exchanged scandalized expressions. Well, Gilbert was scandalized. Liz looked almost disconcertingly gleeful. So West was in on this, too?!

"Ja, well, let's do it today, then." Papers rustled, and a soft thud was heard as if a bag was being dropped to the floor. It was followed by the much gentler noise of metal being set against hardwood – that was Switzerland's rifle, no doubt.

"I think it would be better if you were on your stomach, instead of standing up like we were last time."

"That was an awkward angle, wasn't it?" Roderich mused as if nothing at all were amiss. "I agree."

Oh Gott... Vash was clearing off the break room table? Gilbert felt the blood drain from his face just as Elizaveta shook his arm and mouthed, Last time?

He shook his head. I don't want to know.

Gilbert could feel himself glaring daggers at the door now, inexplicably bothered by...by the whole thing, stupid Roderich needing help with...what were they doing, anyway?

That stuffy Priss just couldn't do anything on his own. That was the whole problem; it always had been. He was like a damsel in distress all the time, constantly having to be taken care of by whomever was there for the job.

And seriously, Prussia wanted to open that door right about now and stop whatever debauched activity was apparently going on in there...

Elizaveta must have noticed his growing irritation. When he reached forward to turn that verflucht knob and figure out what the in the world was happening between those two, she gripped his bicep tightly, her nails digging into his skin so hard that he could feel the sharp imprints even over his shirt.

"Open that door now and it'll be the last thing you do with this arm." She hissed lowly, and he shivered for a multitude of reasons because he really needed that awesome arm of his, but Hungary also sounded so beautiful when she was angry. It was one of the things that had made life interesting over their many years of history.

Roderich was another one of those interesting aspects to life, also beautiful - don't go there, Gilbert, don't you dare - but considerably more irritating to the snowy-haired man.

"Did you hear something just now?" Austria asked, and both the eavesdroppers froze as a speculative silence reigned on either side of the door.

"No..." Switzerland said at last, his boots thumping lightly across the floor. "It's fine, let's just get on with it."

"You're right, we don't have much time. I'm keeping my shirt on." The musician replied, and his voice sounded slightly muffled, as if were face-down on the table. "Try not to wrinkle it too much."

"Fine." Good grief, if these two were doing what it sounded like they might be doing, they were disconcertingly impartial about it. Not that Gilbert cared, of course, but Elizaveta was looking an odd combination of disappointed and expectant, leaning against the door to hear better.

A sudden gasp hitched from Roderich's chest, barely audible to the two outside the break room. "Be gentler than that, I told you it hurts."

"It always hurts more at first, but this is the only way!" Vash countered irritably. "Just relax and be still. I'm going to grab your hips and push now."

At that, Hungary's grip on his bicep tightened so much that Prussia gave a hiss and attempted to shake her off, his pride be damned. "Ease up, woman!"

"Shut up, you!" She whispered urgently in return, although she did release him. It wasn't as though her attention was centered on him at the moment, anyway.

They were lucky Austria and Switzerland hadn't heard their disruption at this point, but it appeared as though they were having plenty of their own commotion.

"Schweiz, wait just a moment, I don't know if - " There was a shuffle of movement and a peculiar cracking noise, immediately punctuated by a sudden, breathy moan drawn from the former aristocrat.

Gott, what the hell were they doing? What had just cracked?

"Ah... Alright, that did work." Roderich murmured, sounding winded and immensely eased all at once. He sighed, deep and long, and then boots thudded against the floor again as if he and Vash were both back on their feet.

"Danke." The rustle of fabric presumably signaled Austria's peacoat being shrugged back on, the buttons softly being snapped back into place.

"Bitte." Switzerland returned. Papers shuffled, pages whispering against one another. "You know, if you exercised more, it would help."

"I know it. Ludwig tells me the same, but...well, I've been so lax for such a long time..."

"Obviously. Well then, maybe you should try a chiropractor for your back trouble or something."

Wait. Back...trouble? Elizaveta and Gilbert turned to look at one another in disbelief.

Was all that they'd just heard simply Vash helping Roderich...pop his back? All that fuss on their side of the door for something so incredibly mundane?

Gilbert didn't know whether or not he was relieved or disappointed. He was still irritated at Roderich, because that just...that just felt right for some reason. It usually did.

Austria scoffed in response to his neighbor's suggestion. "You know I don't enjoy people touching and poking at me unless I know them. I can ease my spine perfectly well without paying some stranger. It's not as if I'll die from some aches, anyway."

"You're stingy, and stubborn." The older Alpine nation sighed. "But I suppose I don't blame you. It's actually one thing we have in common."

The door to the break room opened before either listener had the mind to scramble far enough away for cover, revealing a fully-clothed, only slightly disheveled Austrian and a perfectly composed Swiss.

Well, this had all turned out rather awkward and anticlimactic for Prussia and Hungary, then.

Raising an immaculately sculpted eyebrow at them, Roderich frowned. "Entschuldigen Sie. How long have you two been standing there, anyway?"

For a brief moment, the two simply stared at him, Elizaveta with a slightly letdown expression and Gilbert with suspicion.

"We thought you might be - " She began.

"I heard - it sounded like - " Gilbert glared, poking a finger into the dark-haired man's chest. "You really had us going, Priss!"

Realization dawned, sharpening violet eyes and causing Roderich to scowl.

"Herr Gott nochmal!" He snapped, pushing past them as heat rose in his cheeks. "Vash and I...? In there? You two are ridiculous."

Oh, now they'd gotten him going, and he would probably continue ranting and making displeased faces until intermission ended and the meeting started again, or someone miraculously managed to untwist the knot in his drawers sooner. They'd thought Switzerland was doing that, but...they had obviously been wrong.

"Have you no manners at all? Eavesdropping and thinking such things, confronting the two of us like that? Honestly, I suppose I should be used to these things, but that's still no excuse – I cannot believe the audacity... What do you take me for, anyway?"

Cheeks dusted with anger and embarrassment, Switzerland rolled his eyes and gave them an unimpressed glare, notes in hand.

"He's right. That's a completely ridiculous idea." He muttered, before turning on his heel to follow the violet-eyed man down the hall to the conference room.

"Sorry!" Hungary called after them, and she really did sound regretful, although probably not for their sake.

Huffing, Prussia folded his arms. "Liz, you ignored my awesome presence all that time for nothing." Didn't anyone realize how that was the truly inexcusable thing in this entire situation?

Without bothering to look over his shoulder, Roderich scoffed. "It serves you right. Can you believe that, Vash?" He added, just for the sake of his old rival's and ex-wife's resultant spluttering. "As if we would have done anything where they could hear us."

"I know." Was all Switzerland said, and if anyone had come face-to-face with the two Alpine nations at that moment, they would have seen twin smirks spreading across their lips.

They turned the corner and kept on going, leaving the cursing and speculating whispers of the other two nations behind them.

"We wouldn't have done anything, period." Switzerland pointed out once they were a relatively safe distance away.

"Of course not. But as they had the nerve to listen in on our conversation, we may as well keep them wondering."

They both knew very well that neither Gilbert nor Elizaveta would let them rest easily after their parting remarks, but the chance to mess with them just for a bit had been far too tempting.

"You're really devious when you put your mind to it." The blonde remarked, shaking his head slightly. His expression had returned to his usual somber look, but there was bemusement lurking in his eyes for whoever cared to find it.

"Look at that," Austria returned nonchalantly as he, too, schooled his countenance back into composure. "Another thing we have in common."

Honestly, with friends like these, it was no wonder why Roderich had back pain so frequently. And yet, the ache admittedly always seemed worse without them.

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Ende

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