AN: Snippet that occurred to me while I was watching Spooks the other day, a very different take on the official status of relationships and how that would be viewed in SHIELD.

Additionally, some of you may notice my penname is different – I did it for great anonymity IRL, especially from my children. It's technically the same name, I just switched to spanish words :D

Lastly, I intended for this to be an entirely light piece, but a little bit of the dramaz snuck in; I apologize!

"So, how exactly does that whole thing work?" Tony Stark said to Clint Barton casually, nodding his head slightly toward the door that Natasha had just walked through.

Clint rolled his eyes, "When a man and a woman -" He began the default 'birds and bees' lecture.

"Ha ha. I don't need to know that kind of detail, thank you very much, unless you want reciprocation about Pepper and me?" Was Clint hallucinating, or did Tony almost seem like he wanted to be asked about that.

"God no, I do not need that." Clint shuddered.

"Don't need what?" Bruce asked, walking into the kitchen.

"I do not need or want any mental pictures of Tony naked and/or having sex."

Bruce shuddered as well, looking over to Tony with a chiding glance. "Why were you going to tell him about that?"

Tony actually was exasperated with the other men in the room for once, instead of the opposite being true. "No! I wasn't going to tell him about that! Pepper would kill me. Dismember me even. Don't think she can't!" The men in the room laughed as Steve joined the party.

"What's so funny?" Steve asked, looking around in confusion.

"Pepper dismembering Tony!" Bruce said, continuing to chuckle.

Steve still seemed confused, "And that's funny?"

"Absolutely," the archer confirmed.

Steve's brow furrowed then smoothed and he shrugged. Tony could be exceptionally annoying, so it wasn't totally out of the question.

"I hate each and every one of you," Tony grumbled, then glared at Clint, "And you never answered the question!"

"What was the question?" Bruce asked, as Clint just shook his head with a chuckle.

Tony took a deep breath, trying to avoid killing all his friends in frustration. "How it is that feather-head and little miss kills-a-lot avoid getting court martialed." Clint burst into laughter, and even Steve grinned. "What's so funny," Tony demanded.

"SHIELD isn't the military, Tony." Steve supplied.

"Ok, fine, whatever it is they do about fraternization in SHIELD." Tony waved a hand; the distinction wasn't important to him.

Clint finally had pity on Tony and explained, "Spies are not encouraged to have extra-agency relationships." Tony still seemed confused so Clint continued, "Spies keep it in the family. Half the time if you try and get involved with someone outside the game, they're in the game anyway, just trying to infiltrate."

Steve nodded in agreement with Clint, while Bruce and Tony looked a little shocked.

Tony blinked, "Oh. So...You guys aren't hiding..."

"...The fact that we're married? No." Clint had to admit, he was enjoying watching all three of his friends with their jaws on the floor.

"The Black Widow ... is married?" Bruce struggled to string the sentence together, completely agog.

Clint's face was a blank slate, then finally he laughed heartily. He paused, thinking about something. "Technically, I may have just common-law married her in DC, since we have a place there and I just called her my wife." A wink and a smirk at Bruce. "No, we're not married. What would be the point?"

Steve looked affronted, "The point of marriage is commitment to each other, children, a holy vow...and..."

"...And Nat and I are both atheists, most of our paperwork is fake anyway, we're never going to have kids, and commitment is not affected by what is on paper." Clint finished for Steve, who was more than a little scandalized by the concept.

Bruce seemed curious, "Never kids?"

A shake of his head. "Let's be honest, we're unlikely to survive to retirement age. It would be stupid to have a kid before then. And if you value your future fertility, I wouldn't ask Tasha about it." He spoke glibly, like it didn't matter to him, though everyone got the impression that he was serious about never mentioning it to Natasha. He noted the curiosity shining in the eyes of Bruce and Tony too. "You can feel free to pass that along to Pepper, too."

Natasha of course chose that moment to walk back in. She looked around suspiciously at the men present who had all fallen silent at her arrival. "What?" She looked at them all in turn, but her eyes of course ended on Barton, narrowing.

"Nothing. Nothing. Just that I may have accidentally given us a common-law marriage by calling you my wife." Clint was a master of the innocent grin.

"And TIL that spies prefer incest!" Tony added, adding his own attempt at an innocent expression which mostly was a failure.

"You really don't believe in god?" Steve asked, his expression thoughtful.

A light groan escaped as she pinched the bridge of her nose while shaking her head, muttering something under her breath in Russian. Her eyes went to Steve first. "After meeting Thor, I'll believe in the existence of god-like creatures, but no, I do not believe in the Abrahamic god. I am willing to bet my other feelings on the topic will unnecessarily upset you, so we can leave it at that."

Next she turned to Tony. "And there is no way in any conceivable universe that I am related to Barton by blood." Finally, she looked at her partner, "And you better watch your step, husband, or I'll live up to my name." She looked at Bruce, to see if he had any comments and he held up his hands in a defensive manner, trying to stay out of it.

"My my, you are grumpy." Tony did not know when to lay off, so of course he tried pushing her a little further. She gave him a withering glance to which he responded to air kisses. "I just found it fascinating that spies do not have the same fraternization regulations as the military."

She blinked, a little surprised. "How exactly did you get on this topic?"

"It's not important. But I learned something today!" Tony clapped once in exaggerated excitement.

Natasha looked back at Barton, "My head hurts now." He nodded, accepting the blame for this particular episode with a sheepish smile. Though no one else would have called it a smile, Clint recognized the faintest twitch in her cheek muscles that told him she wasn't really upset. She went to the refrigerator and pulled out a yogurt, giving one last warning look to the men present before walking back.

Tony gave a low whistle, "You're in trouble now."

"Yeah," Clint said with a boyish grin on his face, clearly not afraid of the consequences. He stood up, exiting the room to follow Natasha.

Clint stopped when he got out of earshot of the kitchen, waiting for Bruce to catch up; he had heard the other man follow him out and figured he had questions about what was said earlier, and it was typically better if Clint screened them, if they had to do with the torture Natasha received in the Red Room, if only to prepare her that questions were incoming.

"I don't want to pry," Bruce began.

Hawkeye shook his head, "No. I started it."

"I just wanted to make sure, because I'm sure Tony will wonder the same thing. The whole 'no kids' thing, that's your choice, right? Because there's been a lot of advances in that sort of stuff and if it's a medical problem, you and I both know Tony won't hesitate to work until he finds a solution, if it were something you wanted."

Clint had been reasonably certain this was the question that was coming. He had already decided to be exceedingly blunt while explaining it, knowing it would be passed along to Tony and preventing the bigger evil of the topic being brought up again. "They chemically cauterized the interior of Natasha's uterus when she was 12. It was very painful for her on many levels. We do not ever want children." His voice was low and Bruce could hear the undercurrent of anger that was not directed to him, but toward the people responsible for her situation.

Bruce just stood there, color running from his face, looking horrified. "I...I'm ..."

Clint held up a hand to stop him, "Don't, it was a long time ago, she doesn't like to talk about it, I just want to make sure that with us being an 'us', no one starts bugging her about producing a new generation of Avengers. You know Tony, he might think it was funny."

"Yeah, but not if he knows how serious it is."

"Please make sure he does." And with that, Clint left Banner to process the information he had just been given.

"So what was it really about?" Natasha asked Clint when he returned to their room.

Clint sighed, going over to wrap his arms around her. "Well, at first he was trying to be smug about having knowledge of something that SHIELD didn't: us. It eventually turned uncomfortable, which is when you walked in."

The assassin in his arms frowned at him. "What do you mean?"

"Tony wanted to know if we were married and when we were having kids." His arms tightened around her when she inevitably stiffened. "I told him that you would castrate him if he ever talked about it to you; Banner followed up privately if it was medical."

Her face seemed calm to most who would look at her, but Clint knew the turmoil going on inside his partner at this discussion. "You told him the truth?" She kept her voice low, in an attempt to mask the emotion contained.

Clint kissed her temple, "Yeah. I figured it was easiest. He'll pass it along to Tony and it should keep Tony from either bugging us about it or digging into what happened."

A deep breath in and out; Natasha focused on breathing to try and keep the memories away. They both knew she would have nightmares tonight. But Clint did not lie to her, nor would he tell something so deeply personal without informing her.

Eventually, when she was ready to speak again, she looked back at Clint. "And you have no doubts?"

"Never. I've never doubted anything about you for a moment." He gave her a gentle kiss.