Drowning

A/N: When I watched Mockingjay Part 1 I got an idea to a fic from Gale's POV. This is an Everlark story, told through Gale's pain. Pretty angsty, set in Mockingjay. If you don't want it spoiled don't read.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything associated with The Hunger Games, or anything you recognize. This is just for fun.

I wonder if this is what drowning feels like. My heart aches, my lungs burn, my eyes sting. I can't catch my breath, I can't scream, I can't feel anything but the pain.

I saw our life together so clearly just over a year ago. She would one day look up and finally see me as more than a brother, more than her best friend. We would go on an awkward first date together but I would kiss her good night and we would know. I saw us getting married in the meadow outside her house, having kids and raising them together. Watching them grow as we did the same, making sure that they never had to put their names in the reaping bowl extra times. I saw us sitting in front of the fire with our grandchildren playing at our feet.

All of that evaporated in an instant when her sisters' name was called. Because I knew what was coming before she unfroze from the shock. My eyes never even looked for Prim, because I was waiting for her sister to step forward. And when she did I felt my world crumble away beneath me. When Prim started to protest I moved forward on numb legs to pull her away from her sister. I knew that Katniss would want to appear strong and she couldn't do that with a sobbing Prim clinging to her. I saw the flicker on her face when everyone else was watching Haymitch talking to the cameras and knocking himself out. The one moment that she allowed the careful façade she had put on slip just a tiny bit. And then his name was called too.

When I say that everyone was in love with Katniss, I'm not exaggerating. But Peeta Melark was always different. He was the only one I was ever threatened by, because he could provide her with so much more than I could and he was just as in love with her as I was. I could see in his eyes how destroyed he was by this. The first time he has a real excuse to talk to her and it is because at least one of them will be dead in a few weeks.

I have kicked myself so many times for not kissing her when we were saying goodbye. But I couldn't bring myself to cause her pain, and kissing her would have just confused her; I didn't want her to carry that with her into the arena. I resolved that if she came back that I would kiss her then.

When Peeta confessed his feelings I knew she would be mad at him. She would see it as an affront to her fitness for the game. She would think it made her look weak. But I also knew it wouldn't change the fact that only one person was coming out of the arena, so how he felt about her didn't matter. Not even if the entire Capitol was in a frenzy over the star-crossed lovers from District 12.

I broke a glass when the rules changed. Not on purpose, but I was holding it and next thing I knew it was in pieces on the floor and there was a large cut on my hand. I wrapped my hand in an old shirt and walked to Katniss' house so her mother could check to see if I needed stitches, my head buzzing with this new development. I knew that she would never leave him in the arena. The girl I loved was out of my grasp.

I realized this, but seeing them pretending to be a couple in the arena was so painful. Because I knew he wasn't pretending and that she was closer than she realized to not pretending. I lost count of how many times I wished he would just die, but every time I did something seemed to happen that made me take it back. Because if the medicine hadn't worked, she would have bled to death next to him. If he hadn't shoved her to the top of the cornucopia she wouldn't have been tall enough to climb it.

And then they both came home. I was so happy when she seemed to be avoiding him. She wasn't herself yet, but I was keeping my distance, because I knew I was no longer her fate and it hurt too much to pretend that things could go back.

Kissing her in the woods was the best and worst thing I have ever done. I thought it would help me put her behind me, but all it did was make me more sure that she was my fate, even if she was already beyond my reach. It made it that much harder to stay away.

When she came back from the victory tour engaged I was furious. I was mad at him for proposing, and I was mad at her for saying yes to a man she didn't love. The worst part though was seeing that they had actually become friends. It was subtle, but the way they would stand together onstage had changed. She drew strength from his presence. When she was feeling uncomfortable or nervous, he would grab her hand and it would steady her. I would see the ease that spread through her when he touched her. The fact that both of them were supporting each other without overt intent made it worse. They needed each other.

I got my hopes up when she asked me to run away with her. I knew the engagement wasn't real, but things had changed between Katniss and Peeta, so when she revealed her intent to take him with us, the small balloon of hope that had started to re-inflate my heart burst and knew that I had to get out of there.

Getting whipped actually helped me put things in perspective. I had resolved to stop trying to be something that I could never be to her when Katniss kissed me. The hope came back that maybe things were not so bleak as I thought they were. I still kept my head down and tried to avoid her but she was fiercely loyal to me she kept popping up in my world.

And then the quarter quell announcement came. I knew she could win a games, but so could everyone else who was going into the arena this time. Everyone already had. I resolved to do everything I could to help her because I knew that the Capitol would do everything in their power to ensure that this games would only have one victor.

The pain of not getting to say goodbye this time was quickly replaced by pain. The marriage, the baby. I knew that it wasn't true, Katniss got drunk less than a month ago, so she was not pregnant, but it still hurt. And seeing them in the arena, I realized that even if she didn't know it yet, Katniss did have real feelings for Peeta. When he almost died, the panic and pain was real. When he kissed her after he gave her the pearl, she kissed him back. For the first time I saw that it was real for her too.

I got my hopes up again when he got captured. I thought she would finally give me a chance, but she only wanted him. I realized it when we were at her house. She kissed me, but she didn't really mean it. She just wanted to make me feel better, and that was the only thing she could think of. The worst part is that it might have worked if I had let it.

That is why I went on the stupid mission today. As much as I love her, she loves him just as much, and I couldn't stand to see her unhappy anymore. So I went to bring him back to her. Where she flinches away from me, he soothes her. As soon as I was patched up, I knew I couldn't stay and see them reunite.

I didn't even know where I was going until I found myself sitting on the ruins by the river. I wish that 13 wasn't so strict because I want to do something destructive like drink until I can't remember that I love her; that I will never have her, not even if we succeed in taking down the Capitol.

I don't hear his footsteps over the sound of the water until he is right behind me. His footsteps sound so different now that he is sober, but I still recognize them. "I had to get out of there before the love birds reunited. Unless you have a bottle of liquor I would appreciate being left alone for a while," I told him.

Thirteen words is all it takes to make me forget everything that happened and that I feel like I am drowning. Thirteen words to give me new hope. Thirteen words from Haymitch to send me running back into the compound. "He is Hijacked. Tried to kill her. She is going to need you."

A/N: Ok, so let me know what you think.