BEFORE YOU READ..
Know this is a second part of my Story If I Were You. I wouldn't really call it a sequel but call it as you wish lol.
Remember, this is Hinata's Journal, This story is going to have fillers to If I Were You.

A wrote this because many of you guys keep asking me what happened to Hinata. I know I have been focusing more on sasusaku and for a second I had completely forgot about Hinata. well.. here you go!

I DO NOT OWN HINATA OR NARUTO OR ANYONE IN THE NARUTO SERIES.

Hinata's Lost Journals
Journal 4, Entry 1.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Have you ever met someone who you immediately knew could change your life?
I've heard about this happening, but I never experienced anything near it until tonight. Tonight I met him. I don't know this man's name, nor does he know mine, but I still feel the impact of our brief meeting deep inside.

I know where to find him again, but he doesn't know where to find me. I know how to figure out his name-but I won't. There are too many reasons why that would be a mistake. I can't allow myself to seek him out because he will, without question, lead me onto a path I know is better not taken. Already, I fear meeting him has stirred something inside me better left alone; something I crave, but I know I do not dare indulge in. I can't imagine this man not leaving his mark on many women-and most men, as well.

He owns the air around him, and yours, too... He's strikingly attractive, exuding raw masculine power. He is what I think we all secretly want to be: in control of everything we are and everything we might one day be.

I'd do anything to know and understand who I truly am. And I think that tonight, that was exactly what I was looking for: me. I just didn't realize it until I met him.

It started when I ended my shift at the bar and decided to go by the San Francisco Chocolate Factory and buy a box of chocolate to celebrate being alone. Ha ha that wounds like a bitter pity party thing to write, but it's not. It's officially a year today since I buried my mother, and instead of letting grief consume me, I'm trying to be positive. (Something I haven't done a lot of since then.) So... the positive to this day is that I, Hinata Hyuga, have survived, when I wasn't sure I would.

Somehow, though, instead of going straight to the chocolate store, I ended up two blocks away, standing outside the gallery I've dreamed of working at since way back when I started college five years ago. It just... happened. And at first it wasn't a good thing. One glimpse inside the gallery and the past year crashed-burying my mother, deciding my art degree was worthless for paying the bills, learning things about my life I wish I never had. It was a little piece of hell standing there, hurting for what I have lost and what I can't have.

The worst part? I still... I still crave my dream, to the point that I couldn't force myself to walk away without going inside the gallery. Not tonight, though I've spent a year away from that obsession. Not even the horrid waitress uniform beneath my long black leather coat could stop me from entering. I just buttoned up and went for it.

I walked inside, my bargain store heels clicking on the shiny expensive white tile, the soft sound of classical music playing in the background and I was in heaven. I just stood there, staring at the sleek glass displays of art, and I sighed inside. This place.. This is where I still wanted to be, and why I went to school. It's been my live since I was a child, trying to create my own Picasso, only to realize I'm no artist myself. My gift is an eye of art, a deep love for it I can share with others. If only such things paid real money. How did I think I could be one of the few people who actually made a living in an art gallery?

But I did... There was a time when I thought I could. When I thought dreams were meant to be chased. That was before reality grabbed me by the throat and choked me into eye-opening revelations.

But standing there in that gallery tonight, I shoved all of that aside and just lost myself in the experience. I strolled from display to display, absorbing the gift of viewing the work of some of the most famous artists in the city and from around the world. I was enjoying myself until a salesperson, a blond and rather curvaceous woman, approached me with a snooty look that said she thought I was beneath the gallery. The bite of her attitude aroused my own fear that she was right, that I didn't belong there. But then the old me, the one who used to fight for what she wanted, reappeared out of nowhere. After a quick smoothing of my ruffled feathers, I asked her a few pointed questions about a certain artist's work to test her knowledge. She bristled and made an excuse to leave me alone. I'd almost forgotten I had this cool composure inside me, and it felt amazing, rediscovering that part of myself.

I stayed there for an hour, until they were about to close, and then I reluctantly headed to the front door. That was when he walked in, and I pretty much did the schoolgirl "weak in the knees" wilt I'd have sworn I was incapable of. But this man... this man was impossibly overwhelming, and not just because he was sinfully good-looking. His eyes met mine and I froze, spellbound by his stare. I was aware of him in every cell of my being, in a way that I've never been aware of another man in my life.

I've been thinking of why that is. He was devastatingly handsome, but I've met gorgeous men before. It was more than his looks. It was definitely the edge of power and confidence he owned. The way he wore his perfectly fitted suit, rather than it wearing him. I keep telling myself his power and confidence was because he was a man, not a boy, at least a good seven years older than me. Surely that accounts for it-yet I can't imagine this man, even at twenty-two years old, not being what he is today.

Ultimately though, it wasn't his looks, his power, or even his mesmerizing eyes, which I thought maybe, just maybe, held a hint of male interest. It was the question he asked me: one that has enough impact to punch me in the chest and darn near level to me. It was such a simple question, from a man who was so not simple at all. Did you come to apply for the internship?

I could barely process what he'd just said. I had to repeat the question several times, and force calm thinking. And truthfully, I could have been insulted that he assumed my youth or something else about me meant I wasn't there to buy art. Instead, the elation of him considering me a prospect for a job at the gallery overrode any other reaction.

The reality knocked out the ray of hope for my career. I know how an "Internship" translates into dollars, because I'd done the math last year when my mother's funeral expenses had been a small fortune. Did I want to compete with a long lost of people who would beg to work for pennies? Was I willing to work two jobs to survive? And really, how long could I do that? How long would I last? What was the real chance of making a full-time living at an art gallery?

So what did I do? I laughed this silly, nervous laugh, and told him that working there was a dream I couldn't afford. Then, before I did something sillier, like change my mind, I stepped around him and left.

And now I eat my chocolate, sick to my stomach that I didn't find a reason to change my mind. Maybe if I eat the whole thing, I'll be too nauseated from sugar to feel sick about my decision. I can only hope.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I went to bed thinking about the man from the gallery, and the way his silvery light blue eyes had captured mine, about how I'd felt he would affect my life in some profound way when I'd met him. How would he do this if I never see him again? That was the last thing I remember thinking before I slipped into a dream.

No. A nightmare. In it, I'd been riding one of the trolleys, a cold San Francisco breeze whisking my long hair off my shoulders. Everything was vivid. The red car. The cold pole beneath my fingers. The shade of my dark black hair. The blue sky. The scent of the nearby ocean. Then suddenly my mother was there, riding with me, and she was smiling and happy in a way I haven't been since she died. I don't remember feeling happy in the dream, either. I remember feeling scared. And with good reason. A moment later, the trolley started to roll down a hill and it wouldn't stop. It was flying downward, faster and faster, and I was screaming, my heart in my throat. The trolley jumped the tracks and I clung to the pole, watching the water get closer and closer. Frantically, I searched for my mother, but she was just... gone. She was gone. I was alone as the trolley slammed into the water.

The next thing I knew I was sitting up in bed, screaming bloody murder, my hand clutching my neck. I'm not sure how long it took me to calm down, but when I finally realized I was in my bed, in my apartment, I could smell my mother's vanilla and honey perfume, suffocating me, filling my nostrils and the entire bedroom. I swear, I felt my mother in my room.

She made me have that hellish nightmare. I'm aware that that sounds crazy and I'm not one who believes in ghost stories, but I know she did this. I just don't understand what it means. I thought she loved me-but then, I learned so much about her in her final days; things I sometimes wish I didn't know, but others I'm glad I do. It is only because of what I know now what I am willing to see what this nightmare might be telling me. Maybe I was always alone. Maybe that's why my mind placed my mother in my dream state and ripped her away.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Toneri, the good-looking banker I went out with a couple times last month, came into the bar tonight asking why I hadn't returned his calls. How do you tell a guy you dated him and had sex with him because you were lonely, and the net effect was still lonely? It wasn't that the sex was bad; it wasn't. I enjoyed it. I had an orgasm. I mean, that should account for something, because face it, how many first-time sexual encounters equal orgasm? Well, maybe they do for some people, but not me. I tend to think too much the first time with a man. Not that I've had a lot of men in my bed. In fact, Toneri is only my first. But I can just give myself an orgasm and it's much less complicated.

He's really a perfect guy-or he would be in my mother's book. Good-looking, self-made, loves his parents, and all that good stuff. He has money and appreciates everything he has, because he has earned it himself. I just don't have it in me to play the relationship game right now. And maybe I can't appreciate or deserve someone like him until I know who I am.

I ended up telling him I was working crazy hours and I'd call him next week. I shouldn't have told him that. Why did I give him hope? I know how much hope can hurt. Maybe I did it because I don't want to be lonely all the time.

I'm not like this. I'm not the shy, innocent girl I was a year ago. My mother's death has really affected me and I don't know who I am anymore. I'm lost. I'm lonely. I'm a broken girl.

Friday, December 10, 2010

I can't get the man from the gallery out of my mind, but I thought at least the nightmares ended. Then I had the same hellish one last night, on the same trolley with my mother. I spent the morning and afternoon haunted by it, and for once I was thankful that Friday nights are so chaotic. That meant I'd be too busy to think about it or him.

But it's nearly ten o'clock, and I've barely had a break. I've been slammed with customers, yet that sick, horrible feeling when I'm plunging toward the water still suffocates me. It's frustrating and upsetting that I cannot get this nightmare out of my mind. It's affecting my job, and the tips I make to pay the bills.

I can't get rid of this sense that something is wrong, something bad is going to happen. I haven't felt like this since the week before my mother died. It's driving me crazy, and all I want to do it make this feeling go away. But I can't.

Monday, December 13, 2010

I dreamed of the man from the gallery, but remarkably I can't remember the details. I know it was dark and delicious, the way a man that is meant to be dreamed about. Why can I remember the nightmare of being plunged into the bay by way of trolley car and my dead mother, yet the dream about a sexy, powerful man just plain escaped me? Truly, I don't know what is going on inside me right now, but I feel as if I am spinning out of control. It was enough to push me over the edge today, and I did what I said I wouldn't do: I found the man I had the encounter with at the gallery. I mean, what's the point in thinking that he's potentially life-changing if I avoid him?

His name is Naruto Uzumaki and he's the owner and manager of the gallery, and part of the family that owns Riptide, a famous auction house. That's who asked me if I was applying for a job. The owner. This feels like a sign, the reason he felt so important when I met him. Because he can hire me for the gallery and my dream job. And as crazy as for me to even think, let alone write down, I think he wanted me to apply for the internship. I think he wanted to hire me.

With this single crazy thought it makes me want to so badly go and apply now, even though it's probably too late. These jobs go so quickly and the competition would be fierce. To apply for the job and not get it would be devastating, yet I went so far as to see if I could get my hours cut at the bar to accommodate a second job. After all my years there, the new boss's answer was "no." The job market is tight and there are plenty of people willing to do my job without special scheduling. So unless I can find a more flexible second job, I couldn't even take the internship anyway.

This is my insanity. I can't do it. I just can't. Damn Naruto Uzumaki for tempting me and making me think that maybe, just maybe I can chase this dream again.

I'm still a little nervous about making a new story so please, please, please I beg of you to have some faith in me.
Please review, follow, favorite, I would really appreciate it :)

If you still have not read If I Were You, please do so, you won't regret it!

Until next week! ;)