A/N: Quick one-shot I wrote during a study break from a bunny that's been bothering me for WEEKS. Set in some random Alternate Universe, most likely during the whole Silas shebang. I rated it T because there's no sex and I didn't want to mislead anyone ('cause I know I hate that), but there's swearing in it. So, be warned? I guess?
Enjoy!
-Angie

"Who's going to save your life while you're out making decisions?"

At this point, Elena Gilbert has a well-developed system to consult whenever she is going to make a Decision (the word Decision is capitalized in her mind because it has become the Mystic Falls Vampire Coalition's favorite word to describe anything Elena might do that is potentially life threatening).

The system is as follows:

Step 1: Consider the potential consequences of the Decision, and contemplate whether it will actually help her get what she wants.

Step 2: Ask herself the question: If I did this, would Damon be mad at me?

Step 3: If Damon wouldn't be mad, follow through on the Decision. If Damon would be mad, think up a damn good excuse or explanation and then follow through anyway.

Among other aims, it seemed to Elena that the main goal of the organization was to wrap her in a fluffy cocoon and lock her in a padded room whenever anything the slightest bit interesting was about to happen.

Although, to be honest, she'd really had enough interesting things happen in her life at this point, and she was starting to see the appeal of said padded room.

Regardless, she fully believed that she had a right to make Decisions anytime she wanted. She didn't really care if her ancient ancestor decided to be a home wrecker to a psycho-bitch with magical powers, and she didn't think it was particularly fair that she was being punished for the sins of her ancestors.

And honestly, she had just wanted a goddamn cheeseburger.

So, she consulted her system.

Potential Decision: Go to the Grill and buy a cheeseburger.

Step 1: If she goes to the Grill to get the cheeseburger, she will satisfy her craving for said food. There is also the possibility of being kidnapped by some supernatural being and forced to participate in some dastardly scheme that will doom humanity to an eternity of suffering on the way.

Step 2: Yes. Damon would be mad.

Step 3: She's hungry, and he can go fuck himself.

Decision made, she left her house to walk to the Grill. She had been outside for about three seconds before there was a piercing pain in her neck and everything went dark.

So, here she was in an enclosed room with no windows or furniture. The only way out was through a door on the opposite wall (and she was willing to bet that there was some sort of spell placed on the door preventing her exit).

The crazy Elena-nappers seemed to be learning from the mistakes that others had made. The lack of furniture meant no possible tools for escape, and she had no idea where she was, what time it was, or how much time had passed. She sat with her back against the wall, crossing and uncrossing her legs, and picking her nails.

At this point, she knew from experience that she would be rescued in a relatively timely manner, and there probably wasn't any need to worry.

Either way, she was still hungry for both normal food and actual food, and she was willing to bet that in the next few minutes someone would barge into her cell and give her a giant lecture on why she was here and what mystical doppelganger power she was supposed to have and how that could be used to inflict pain and suffering around the world. For bonus points, the plan often included something that almost everyone else in Mystic Falls had known but her.

Right on queue, the door burst open. The man that walked through was completely average looking, and was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

"Elena Gilbert."

"Here." She said dryly, half-heartedly raising her hand.

"It's good to finally meet you."

"I'd say that it's nice to meet you too, but I don't know who you are."

"Ah, of course. My name is Christopher."

"Hello, Christopher. May I ask which esoteric doppelganger power you're attempting to harness today, and how it will help you in your quest for world domination?"

He frowned.

"What's a doppelganger?"

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."

He looked genuinely bemused, now. "I promise, I have no idea what you're talking about. Aren't you a vampire?"

Elena couldn't remember the last time anyone had kidnapped her for any reason other than her status as a doppelganger. Actually, had that ever happened? She tried to remember. Off the top of her head, because there had been so many kidnappings that it was hard to keep them all straight, she could only remember it happening with the crazy Augustine researchers.

"Okay. So. Why am I here?"

He shrugged. "Your ass of a boyfriend killed my wife."

Damon did tend to do that.

"Okay? So why do you need me?"

"I'm going to kill you and send him some pictures. Nothing personal, I promise, you're just collateral damage."

Elena was rather insulted by this. She had never been known as "collateral damage" in her entire life. Sure, her friends were often referred to that way, but never her. She was a special fucking snowflake, and she felt that it was in his best interests to understand that.

"You realize that if you kill me you'll die, right?"

He frowned. "I don't particularly care, actually. My wife is dead, I have no other family, and I really don't have a purpose in life."

Elena felt that this was perhaps a bit dramatic of him, but decided to keep this judgment to herself for the time being.

"So, wait, your plan is literally to kill me to upset my boyfriend? That's it? No crazy witch magic, or blood sacrifices or anything?"

"Well, I don't really need any of that in order to pull this off. It seems sort of overboard to me."

"And you don't think killing me and sending creepy pictures of my dead body to Damon isn't going a bit overboard?"

So not only did this guy seem to be a few cabinets short of a kitchen, but he also had no concept of the potential value she held, and therefore was much more willing to kill her.

Her life was so unfair.

"Oh, actually, there was some witch magic involved," he said brightly, "I suggest that you don't bother to try to walk out the door. I did hire a witch to do a quick containment spell on the room. Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go grab a chair leg to stake you with. An eye for an eye, as they say."

He shut the door.

She leaned back against the wall of the cell, and decided to hope that Damon was either on his way, or had delegated the task to a competent member of their group (i.e. not Jeremy or Matt).

She waited for what felt like hours (but was probably only minutes) for the door to open again. There stood Christopher with a digital camera in one hand and a crossbow with a stake loaded in it in the other.

He set the digital camera down on what must have been some sort of table out of her line of sight, and raised the crossbow, aiming carefully.

"Don't bother moving. I have practically an unlimited supply of these stakes, so you'll get hit eventually. I'd rather not waste my time."

She vamp sped to the other side of the cell as soon as she heard him shoot. He swore, and stomped off, presumably to get another stake.

He returned within minutes.

"Can you not be difficult plea—"

He fell to the floor, his neck snapped. Caroline stood behind him, hands on her hips.

"We've been looking all over for you. Damon's been screaming at everyone, it's seriously annoying."

"How did you find me?"

"The idiot didn't turn off your phone."

Elena snorted. In an effort to make their rescue missions more efficient, all of them downloaded an app to their smartphones that was intended by the developers to be used to meet up with your friends, but they used it to track kidnapped members of the Mystic Falls Vampire Coalition.

"Sorry," Elena said, shrugging. "There's a spell on the door. Can you text Bonnie so that she can let me out?"

"Why were you out of the house?" Caroline asked, pulling out her phone.

"I wanted a cheeseburger."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"And you didn't call someone to get it for you? I bet Matt would have gotten one for you."

Elena had to admit that Caroline made an excellent point.

"I wanted to get one myself. I don't want to stay inside. It's not Damon's right to order me to be anywhere."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, it's your decision, blah blah blah respect it."

Elena glared at her.

"Look, I'm pretty much completely on your side here," Caroline continued, "I don't think you should have to stay home either. But, I do think that you should at least text someone before you go out."

"Like who? Almost all of you will tell Damon."

"I wouldn't," Caroline said, looking slightly hurt by Elena's assumption.

"But if he asked you know you wouldn't be able to lie about it."

Caroline shrugged. "True, I guess. Bonnie's good at it though, and she wouldn't give Damon information about the weather, let alone information about you. Well, as long as you weren't in danger."

"What was that about me and Damon?" Bonnie's voice called, as she approached them.

"We were just saying that if Elena decides to make Decisions that she should text you first so that if she ended up risking her life someone would know about it."

"What did he kidnap you for, anyway?" Bonnie asked, pulling out a candle from her purse and lighting it.

"He wanted to kill me to get back at Damon."

"Wife or kids?" Caroline asked, seeming to know where this was going.

"Wife."

"No doppelganger powers?" Bonnie said, surprised.

"That's what I said! Apparently he had no idea what a doppelganger was."

"That must have been nice."

"Well, up until he told me I was collateral damage. It was kind of insulting."

Caroline scoffed. "Welcome to my life."

The three of them started giggling, and Bonnie removed the spell.

They walked Elena back to the boarding house, and Damon was waiting in the living room. "Where have you been?" he demanded.

Elena sighed. How many times would she have to explain this?

"I wanted a cheeseburger."

"You're fucking kidding me, right?"

Elena shrugged.

"You know, I can't always—"

"Be around to save me from making Decisions, yes I know. But it was my Decision, and you have to respect it."

"I was actually going to say that I can't always stop you from leaving the house, but that you could have called me because I was at the Grill anyway and I would have brought you one, but that works too." Damon said, looking slightly amused.

Elena glared.

Damon smirked.

Caroline threw her hands up in the air and headed to the front door, shouting that they should get a fucking room and that she was going to the Grill and when she came back with lunch, she'd better not find them having sex in the living room.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this! Please review, as it's the only way that I'll improve as a writer! :)
Hugs!
-Angie