Chapter 1 – Big Girl Panties

"I've given up on you." His voice sent a shockwave of daggers straight to my heart. "Love fades, mine has."

As his words registered my eyes widened and I took an involuntary step back, as though I had been slapped. Heck the slap would have hurt less. A lump formed in my throat and I felt moisture in my eyes, but I refused to let the man I thought had loved me see me cry. My chest ached from the sheer will of keeping the tears at bay, but my heart… it hurt. Something inside my heart died as soon as those words left his mouth, I felt it; the pain echoed around my body and stopped my brain from forming a coherent thought. I was sure I looked like a guppy with my jaw hanging open and eyes as wide as saucers but I could quite care at present.

When Dimitri had been turned back into a dhampir I thought I had gotten another chance at love, but then he refused to see me and I was sure he was just feeling disgusted by his actions as a Strigoi. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought that he would have stopped loving me. I guess that was just naïve of me. When I thought back over his action in the last few weeks all the signs were there I was just too stupid to see them. Or too hopeful. And when I really thought about it how was someone like me worthy of someone as morally set and honorable as Dimitri? Seriously, I had issues with authority, a temper and I was bitchy. Nothing about our personalities matched up, except our undying loyalty to Lissa. That's who I should have been focusing on all this time, not Dimitri but Lissa. She should be in the forefront of my mind and priorities, nothing else matters anymore.

Taking all of my hurt, love and anger I threw it in a box at the back of my mind and nudged it into the shadows with a long stick. That's exactly where it should have been all along. I schooled my features into my Guardian Mask, and tensed my posture until I felt like I would make Janine Hathaway smile with pride. I would no longer be Rose or Roza to anyone; it was too dangerous for Lissa for me to have relationships with anyone. I was Guardian Hathaway. With inner strength I didn't know I possessed I extended my hand out by way on truce. Dimitri raised an eyebrow skeptically, a gesture I was once envious of. My heart tugged painfully in my chest and the box of emotions in the back of my mind gave a little jump. His chocolate brown eyes willed me to understand, and I did, to a degree; his love for me fell away into his furthermost memories.

Hesitantly he firmly grasped my hand and I shook it. There was to be no more fan fare or night stayed up late wondering what happened because now I knew; his love faded, while mine slowly dimmed to barely there embers. In this interaction I showed just how mature I could be. I pulled on my big girl panties and let go of his hand. I wanted him to hold me one more time, kiss me without being a Strigoi, just one more time. But I couldn't ask for that because I knew that if I got one more caress my heart would break more then it already had. I did the one thing no one ever expected Rose Hathaway to do; I gave up.

"Good luck in the future, Guardian Belikov. I'm sorry to have wasted your time." I said, my voice sounded cold but not mean, sort of like how I thought the other Guardians sounded. Dimitri looked gob smacked; like he never expected me to give up on him that easily. But in truth it wasn't that easy, my heart was still telling me to fight but my brain was telling me he had made his decision and that I had made mine. I guess he really didn't know me if he couldn't see my inner turmoil.

"Rose…" Dimitri breathed out my name in disbelief, as though I had been the one to tell him those hurtful words. I turned and started walking away but I was struck with a thought and half turned to look at him standing there wide eyed.

"Do me one last favor, Guardian Belikov?" I didn't wait for a response, but smiled softly. "Call your family. Knowing you, you haven't done that yet. They love you. Don't keep them morning a son they haven't lost." I thought of the look on Olena's face when I told her that her only son was dead, it killed me inside a little. "And tell Olena I said Hi." With that I left a very astounded looking DImitri gapping in my wake. I made my way briskly through Court and towards guest housing, where I currently resided. Darkness overshadowed my steps as I people watched. Everyone at Court looked so carefree and happy, but perhaps that was just my current state of mind and situation. When I arrived one of the employees in lobby flagged me down. He was a young Moroi with crystalline blue eyes. His chestnut brown hair sat in waves on his head and his mouth was set in a hard line. He couldn't be more then twenty years old and he was obviously quite attractive to the opposite sex.

"Miss, a letter came in for you." The way he scurried around and the shape of his face reminded me of a mouse; not in a bad vermin-like way. Just that his steps were hurried and his face swung around curiously. He quickly thrust the letter into my up turned hand and moved off.

"Thank you!" I called after him. I followed a group of Moroi towards the elevator and waited for the next one to pull in. It was getting later in the afternoon and sunset was already lightening the sky from dark blue to a redy-orange. The group of Moroi was decked out in all their opulence. I could hear their excited whispers but not what they were saying. They were all young and beautiful but their body language suggested royal status, which by association made them appear snobby in my eyes. The arrival of the elevator was signaled by a soft, low binging sound. I push the button to my floor and push my way to the back of the elevator while the Royal Moroi pile in. The ride to my floor is short so I don't have to stay near the Moroi for long. Their loud, over-exaggerated laughter makes me nervous. I found my door quickly and pulled my key from my jean pocket and unlocked the door.

The first thing I saw when I opened my door was a small stack of flat cardboard boxes, the type used when you are moving. I furrowed my brow in confusion, why on earth are they there? I shake my head and move further into the suit. Lying down on the couch I open the letter. In the bottom of the envelope is a small key. As I scan the content the boxes begin to make sense. A few days ago I put in an application for an apartment instead of guest housing. Lissa decided that her and Christian would be moving in together. They got a nice little cottage at the edge of court for, what she called, 'Privacy'. The apartment I had put in an application for was vacated and the application was approved. Effective immediately I was to move in. I glanced at the boxes for a moment, weighing the importance of packing right this instance. With a huff I gathered the boxes into my arms. I don't have that many possessions, but what I do have is dear to me.

I fold all my clothes and place them neatly into the boxes. A photo on my bedside table catches my attention. The couple in the photo are just walking together, the girl has her arm extended in his direction and is lightheartedly pushing him away. They both have huge smiles on there faces and they're staring into each others eyes with such love and happiness that its hard to look at it. Lissa took that photo of Dimitri and I when she knew we weren't paying attention. It was before the attack on the school and before she knew I loved him. She gave it to me when I got back from Russia, unbeknown to my self-hatred. I cried when she gave it to me and told her about how I thought I had killed him. That photo had been my anchor when I got that letter from him saying that he way alive and that he was coming to kill me. It was my anchor when he wouldn't speak to me, when he pushed me away.

But now it was a reminder of what I had lost.

"What do I do with you, now?" I say reaching over from my position on the floor and plucking it from its spot leaning against the clock. I don't have any other pictures of Dimitri and I when we were at the Academy. Then again we aren't involved anymore or even really on speaking terms. But those were much nicer times, those stolen moments were some of the best times I had at the Academy, some of the simplest. I place the photo gently into one of the boxes. On the wall above the bed I have some photos I brought with me from Portland and also from the Academy. They join the rest of my measly possessions in the boxes. That's everything. All of my worldly possessions reduced to 3 boxes. The life of a Dhampir is like that I suppose. The only thing I didn't pack is my stake; the stake that I got when Strigoi Dimitri captured me. I slide it into my jeans pocket and stack the boxes on top of each other.

Then I make my way to the door.

Standing in the open doorway I look back into the suit and let my eyes wander around my home of the last few weeks. I flip the light switch and close the door behind me.