Summary: Torchwick is commissioned by Junior to pull off a certain heist in the midst of the holiday season. Being evil and nefarious, Torchwick accepts with Neo in tow to make a big payday. For the /r/RWBY Monthly Fanfiction Contest: December.

Thanks to Narutochaos22: for being muh boo and muh bby. I ruv u. Also editing for me.

Editor's Notes: Our bromance is basically all give, no take. It's a sad life.

How Torchwick Saved Christmas

RWBY

Written from the perspective of Roman Torchwick

Don'tcha just love the winter holidays? I mean, there's just something about the season… is it the spice in the eggnog? Hanging the stockings and decorating the tree… ah, it truly is the season of giving…

… And taking.

I'm not saying that it pays to be evil… but being evil has it perks.

For one, who gives a hoot and holler about what you wear? Even in the backdoor slums of Vale, I can dress in my Sunday best with a cane and cap smoking the fattest cigar this side of Remnant and nobody bats an eye. You come around dressed here with a smile like some nancy goody-two-shoes, and you'll get mugged, beaten, and shoved with so many turkey basters up your rear, they'll change your name to Turducken.

Second - and bear this example with me for a bit - see that transient? Don't know what a transient is? Sheesh, you uncultured swine - see that homeless good-for-nothing bum? Watch this.

See?

See what I did there?

I just kicked him in the face. And did you see what he did afterwards?

He apologized to me. Then he asked if he could lick the filth off my boot. That, ladies and gentlemen, is precisely the sort of evil that pays.

So anywho-how-way, Junior called me up and said if I didn't do this job for him he'd go and send his biggest boys after me. Not that they were a problem. Junior's biggest boys are also his biggest idiots, it's a fact of life. They would probably drag the entire police department to every store front I had. Can't have my operations blown over that.

Heh. Whatever. Most of my White Fang henchmen were on vacation. It helps morale to get some R&R… or so the leadership book I've been reading says. Though I do wonder what Faunus do in their spare time. Piss on a tree, howl at the moon, mate like there's no tomorrow? Guess I'll never know. Guess I'll never want to know.

So it was just me and pretty li'l Neo tonight. I had the address written down. Brick building on the intersection of Blue River and Gray Hills. They really should have stopped naming streets after color and geographical formations. There ain't no river or hills. It's a street, jeez. Next thing you know they'll be naming their kids after colors too.

Oh wait.

Anyway, would you look at that? It seems that the security's pretty light.

…

Front door it is.

I stepped aside and bowed.

"Neo, if you would?"

The girl gave me a smile. Well, it's more of a smirk really, but hey - she loves her job. And with a sharp thrust of her boot, she knocked the door down.

"Whew. What a sty," I grimaced as I stepped in. Place was about as rundown as you could get.

There was a tree set up and a fireplace burning with a boatload of stockings hung up. I mean seriously, how many kids do you need stockings for? There are enough names for twenty rainbows.

"Whatever," I scoffed. "Time to get to work." I began to take picture frames off the mantle and throw silverware into the bag. Easy job. Easy life.

Being evil is great.

"You scum!"

A black shadow was all over me in a heartbeat. I felt something break over my back. Out of sheer instinct (I swear it was out of sheer instinct) I threw a punch at the shadow's pale face.

And there it laid, crumbled in its black cloth.

"Well, guess we got caught," I shrugged as I continued to throw more things into the bag.

"S-Sister Helena?"

"Huh?" I turned around. There were a bunch of little runts coming down the stairs now. I didn't mind witnesses but there were a lot of kids… wait.

"Hey, is this…"

I paused my work. Roman Torchwick, it was time to think.

"Mister? A-are you robbing us?"

There were a bunch of stockings…

"C-can you not h-hurt us?"

A woman was wearing black…

Oh… Oh dear no…

"Just a second, kiddies. Papa will be right with you." My eyes began scanning the room.

Then realization dawned on me. It was all coming together now. The crappy interior. The dozens of stockings hung up. The lack of presents under the tree. The runts gathered up together and some annoying old hag flying at me with a broomstick in a table cloth.

Oh god. Oh man. Oh god, oh man.

The little runts were gathered around me like I was a prophet about to parable.

"Mister?"

"Sorry, but uh… are you runts orphans?"

"Y-yes, mister," the tallest of the runts spoke up. "We don't got parents… just Sister Helena. P-please mister… don't hurt her." Looking up at me, his eyes shone. "You can hurt me. I'm used to it!"

My cigar fell out of my mouth. Heavens give me mercy upon my damnable soul, I just punched out a nun.

"Uh… 'Scuse me kiddos. Gotta deal with something first." Swivelling on the spot, I turned towards my mute girl wonder. "Oh Neo. Neo! Drop the bag. This operation's off. Nope. Nada. A thousand and one nope-ities. Give Junior a message from me. Tell him I'm recommending him to my psychiatrist - Doctor Buns, was it? - because what in the ever-loving madness of the world compelled him to commission me to rob a goddamn orphanage?"

With a shrug, Neo began dialing into her umbrella phone. Damn thing's like a utility belt…

"Right then." With a sigh, I turned back towards the masses. "Hey. Children. Yeah. You guys. Gather around and listen up."

The little runts gathered like the good little runts they are.

"Uncle Torchwick is going to go out for a while, and then he's going to come back in a bit," I promised. "Can you runts take Sister what's-her-face to a bed or… whatever? Get her a nice warm glass of milk or something, alright?"

"Yes mister," they nodded. They were still scared. Well. Honestly, who wouldn't be? I mean holy cow, I still can't believe I punched a nun. God, so this is what guilt feels like.

"Come on, Neo. Back to HQ," I said, bolting out the front door she had knocked down just a few minutes ago. Huh. I should really fix that. "We've got to get a few things!" I shouted over my shoulder as I ran down the windy streets.

I felt an urge to light another cigar. Nope. Not today, Roman. Today, you are a new man. Today, you are quitting! Well… at least until next year… okay, no smoking for seven days. Till New Years it is!

We ran back to HQ and grabbed some dough from my personal vault(s). Dragging Neo to and fro, we hit every toy store still willing to take us. You should have seen some of the looks on their faces when I unceremoniously dumped wads of lien at their feet, saying, "We'll take the lot." Priceless.

Running back with a fully loaded sack, I made sure to pass by one more stop: a costume store.

Once Neo and I were standing in front of the orphanage, I couldn't help but admire the getup I had picked out for her. She was wearing red with white trim top with a bare midriff. Pale legs, knee-high boots, exposed shoulders, and a skirt that was just a little (see: euphemism) too short and tight… all nicely wrapped up with a belled hat to match. There were quite a few admirers and catcallers out on the streets, as well as plenty of jealous girlfriends.

What else can I say other than that Neo looked simply exquisite in a sexy Santa outfit?

I was playing the Big Red himself, complete with the beard. "Let's get 'Ho ho ho'-ing," I smirked, making my way in. Neo shivered in the cold, blushing beet red. What does she have to be embarrassed about? She looked great… I just looked fat and jolly.

Sauntering inside, I squared myself. "Well look what we have here!" I boomed.

Heads wildly turned towards me. There was a lengthy silence. But… just before it got awkward… well, awkwarder…

"S-Santa?" The smallest of the runts was the first to speak up. "Is it… guys! Guys! It's Santa!"

The little runts were gathered around the fireplace I had ransacked earlier. The sister was off the floor and on a couch. Alright, great. The nun's still out.

"Ho ho ho, children. Happy holidays!" I did my best to pretend I'm fat, but have you seen these abs lately? They're damn washboard tiered! You can't expect me to dig into the diaphragm with these now can you?

"Santa! Santa is that really you?"

"Yes! It's me!"

And so Neo and I began distributing toys. Neo kept glaring at me every so often. Please Neo; think of the children!

Well, I can sort of understand her ire. I mean, I did just kinda sorta maybe blew most of our savings on toys for a bunch of bratty runts. But come on, just look at them! They had the biggest smiles on their faces.

The little runts started playing with the toys. We had managed to muster quite the haul. Figures and figurines, cars and racetracks, dolls and dresses, houses and tea sets, stuffed animals and candy canes… There were even a couple of balls and board games speckled throughout a sea of marbles.

They seemed to like 'em. And that was good enough for me. Heck, even Neo ended up playing tea time with a couple of the younger girls and boys. In all our years of working together, I don't think I've ever seen her smile as genuinely as she did today.

It was quite some time later before I checked my watch. "Alright," I called out. "I might be a criminal, but I'm a criminal who loves the season. It's almost midnight." Hearing the runts' collective "aww"s and "just a little longer?"s, I could only ruefully smile. "Sorry kids, but it's time to head back." My voice cracked. Dear lord, was I feeling sentimental?

Then I felt a tug on my suit.

"Santa?" The smallest girl was speaking to me. Couldn't have been more than three or four.

"Yeah? I mean, Ho ho ho!" Nearly forgot who I was supposed to be tonight. Dammit fat man, you had one job. This is the one time of year he's working and I'm stuck playing substitute! "What can Santa do for you, sweetheart?"

"Can I sit on your lap?"

Oh hell. Why not?

"Sure dear!" I beamed with the jolliest voice I had left in me. I lifted her up onto the nice comfy arm chair and sat her right on my lap. "So what is your name, dearie?"

"Red." The girl had nothing red about her, unless you count the red hair, red eyes, and freckles.

"Ah… can't imagine why…" My mouth twitched. "Well dearie, is there anything else you want for Christmas?"

She shook her head.

"No, Santa. I just wanted to say thank you," she smiled.

"Oh?"

She leaned in close.

"Remember last year? I wrote a letter to you and Rudolph. It was my first year here and I was so scared…" Her voice became small and feeble. "So I asked if you could give me a blue magic castle."

"Yes...Yes… I remember that." I did not. Nope. Not at all.

"A-and… I also asked if I could have my family back… to live with me in the castle."

Holy. Crap.

"But I'm happy now, Santa. So thank you!" Red gave me a peck on the cheek. Something warm surged inside me. Must have been something I ate.

"Also Santa," Red said in a low whisper. "Mrs. Claus is really pretty!"

Okay. That's it. I'm out.

"Well, it's time to go, Mrs. Claus," I whistled, setting down Red. "The reindeer aren't going to feed themselves, you know." Neo looked at me like I was some sort of cancerous plague that needed to be purged by righteous fire.

We said goodbye to the little runts, all of whom were begging us to come back next year. I even left a present for the nun I knocked out with the older kids. There was probably enough lien in that bow-tied box to last them twenty years and all throughout college. Okay. Maybe not college. Stuff's expensive, you know?

All in all, it was a good night. "'Tis the season," I murmured as I exited the orphanage.

Back in the world outside, festive music had started playing. Jingle Bells, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer… the city was alive with the hymns and ballads of Christmas. The streets were white, lit with reds and greens and golds and blues. Everywhere you looked, there was cheer and love all around. Many a couple were walking arm in arm. Heh, what a sight.

Speaking of arms, I felt one loop around mine.

"Neo?"

I looked down to see my partner in crime leaning into me. Peering up at me, Neo pouted.

"Hey, I know I spent most of our reserves…"

Neo bared her fangs.

"Okay, okay! I'm sorry about the outfit, but hey. It looked fantastic on you! Really showed off your physique."

Neo scowled.

"Okay look, how about on the next job we split it ninety-ten your way, huh? Next three jobs? Five?"

Neo huffed and turned away.

"Does nothing I do ever satisfy you?" I sighed, looking up at the sky.

Then I felt something warm on my cheek. Something warm and wet.

"Huh?"

Neo was standing on her toes. Her arm outstretched above us. I looked at what she was holding. Oh damn.

It was a mistletoe.

She gave me a smile. It wasn't one of her typical ones that was filled with smugness or annoyance or sarcasm or sheer vindictive and sadistic tendencies. It was just a genuine, wholehearted smile.

Breaking off, she ran a few steps ahead of me. Turning back to wink and poke her tongue out at me, and with her hands held behind her, she began to skip back to HQ.

"Alright, fine. Fifty-fifty. Same as always."

How Torchwick Saved Christmas Fin

Author's Notes: VOTE FOR ME. ;_; Reigning Champ. My title reign will be better than Brock Lesnar's.

Editor's Notes: It's so fluffy I'm gonna die.