Because explaining the 21st century to a 300-year-old pirate is entirely too entertaining a concept to pass up. Capt. Swan et al. one-shots chronicling Killian's encounters with modernity. Mostly Captain Swan but will also include other characters too. Rated M for future chapters.

Occurs in some semi-canon/semi-altered universe where Emma and Killian can cross the town line without consequence. Un-beta'd

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"Swan, what did you say this behemoth was called?"

"It's basically just a hamburger, like the ones at Granny's, but a lot greasier. Try it. I think you might like it."

It was Saturday night, and Emma had taken advantage of the rare quiet moment that came in the aftermath of defeating a villain or stopping another curse, to introduce Killian to an aspect of her world not available within the confines of Storybrooke; Fast food.

"You like the French fries at Granny's, I just thought you should have the total fast food experience."

Emma watched her pirate stare at the edible heart attack in front of him curiously and tried not to let her lips curl into a smile. There was something oddly fascinating about the sheer range of Killian's reactions to parts of her world. At times he was more than eager to embrace the unfamiliar, like when it involved television or especially her lingerie. Other times, his wariness reminded her of a child poking vegetables on their dinner plate.

Killian Jones could stand against dark magic and monsters literally single-handed, but faced with a double-decker bacon hamburger with all the trimmings, which was about half the size of his face, he was at a loss. As it was, he was holding the monster of a burger in his hand, turning it in every direction, searching for some weak point at which to attack the thing. The burger attacked first though, taking advantage of Killian's hesitance to drip a line of grease down his hand and into his sleeve, forcing him to lift his elbow to prevent a further assault on his jacket.

Even Emma would admit that it was probably a bit much for his first real burger outside of Granny's, but the look of utter and adorable confusion on his face was worth it, as would be his delight if he would just try a bite of the damn thing.

"I'll be honest with you love, the food at Granny's may not be entirely edible but it is certainly more approachable. With this… I'm not entirely sure where to begin. You're certain no cutlery is required for something this large?"

The corner of Emma's mouth turned upward. There was an obvious joke here about who should be asking who if they could handle something that large, but she didn't want to be the one to actually say it so explicitly. "What's the matter, Captain? Can't handle it?"

Blue eyes met green in playful challenge, and paused for only a beat. "Perhaps you're the one who couldn't handle it," He said, eyes sparkling in memory of the last time he had spoken those words to her. Blue eyes held hers long enough to make her breathing quicken, and she found she didn't want to leave his gaze, just wanted to drown in the ocean of his eyes. It shouldn't have sent heat tumbling through her or made her toes curl (They were talking about a burger for crying out loud!), but it did and damn him for it because he knew. His growing smirk was proof enough of that.

Then suddenly he was leaning back in his chair, and the spell he held over her was broken, leaving her blinking back to normal thought. "Because really, Swan, if you wanted to prove this meal was so incredible you should have gotten one for yourself too. It's hardly motivating when your sandwich is, well, frankly its tiny." He spoke almost flippantly, as if he hadn't just been branding her with his eyes.

Emma, however, had no regrets in ordering a classic single layer burger. They were far more manageable. She took a bite from her own burger, hoping it would quell the growing heat in her belly and maybe encourage Killian to try his meal instead of staring at it like it was possibly poisonous.

"Maybe try smooshing it down a bit or something?" She offered, after swallowing a large bite of her burger. "Or if you really wanna cheat through it, you could take apart the layers and use a fork, but where's the fun in that?"

Killian gave the burger another turn in his wrist, which was more awkward than anything else given his elbow was still level with his head. He seemed to be considering this stance on 'cheating', but continued to stare at the innocuous-looking meal as he questioned Emma further.

"So if it's a 'ham' burger than the meat must come from a pig, yes? Ham is still used to imply pork-based dishes in this realm, is it not?"

"Well, the bacon is from a pig, obviously, but that's not on every burger. The actual hamburger part is beef."

He snorted at that. "Well that's just bloody misleading then. Why not simply call it a 'beef' burger instead? Why lie about the source of the meat?" Killian scoffed, and then turned his gaze towards Emma in horrified realization. "The cows of this realm aren't diseased, are they Swan? Is that why they lie about the name?"

Emma had to stop herself from bursting out laughing. Instead, she settled for shoulder shaking, closed-mouthed giggles and forced breaths that threatened to break her.

She had no idea why it was so funny to her, just that it was. Something in her pirate's concerns about the health of cows and sanitation of meat in a grimy fast food chain and people being lied to through the names of food was just plain funny. If this was how Killian Jones reacted to a burger, she couldn't wait to show him Disney movies.

Killian's blue eyes shifted from horror at the origins of his dinner to confusion over his Swan's apparent amusement.

"Killian, I think you're gonna have a coronary before you catch mad cow from this burger." Her words were forced passed still trembling lips and hiccupping shoulders.

"Mad cow?"

"Never mind," She said, finally catching her breath, "Just know that it's not bologna and take a damn a bite."

Killian shot her another heated look. "I'll certainly take a bite, love," His lips turned upward into a cheeky grin "Unless you'd rather my mouth was… elsewhere." His eyes drifted lazily down her front, until they were practically boring a hole through the table that hid her lower half from his view, then they snapped up to hold her green eyes captive in invitation and challenge.

Emma could feel the heat rising to her cheeks again.

Trust Killian Jones to feel like he was on solid ground when innuendos were involved. She had long since realized that the comments were his way of maintaining control in situations he was unfamiliar with. He used his silver tongue as a weapon as often as he used his hook or sword and after several hundred years the comments had probably become something of a habit as much as a crutch for the man.

All the same, Emma silently hoped he never learned about 'that's what she said' jokes.

His blue eyes flashed with heat, and promise, and later, and finally, finally, he took a bite from the monstrous burger. It was impossible to get a whole bite from a burger as big as the one Killian was eating, but he managed a mouthful of meat and bacon and cheese and grease that ran down his chin and got caught in the scruff of his beard.

It was a complete and total mess of a meal, but watching his face light up with every bite like a Christmas tree (Another tradition she would have to introduce him to, along with hanging mistletoe…) would be worth the twenty or so napkins needed to clean him up.

"This is bloody brilliant Swan!" He exclaimed through another mouthful. "We must bring some back with us. For your parents, and brother, and Henry! Yes, the lad would adore this! Has he had one? No matter, he's getting one too."

Emma didn't bother trying to hide the smile that had plastered itself to her face, letting it shine in mutual enjoyment at Killian's obvious delight. "Trust me, Henry's had plenty of these in New York, and I kinda doubt Regina would want him having more of them. They're not exactly health food."

Killian polished off the remainder of the monstrous burger all too quickly, and insisted on buying several more of the double-decker giants to bring back to Storybrooke. Emma laughed and weakly protested that the burgers would be cold by the time they returned to town, but gave him some money for more anyway. She watched him bound off to the counter eagerly while she finished her burger with a bit more patience.

Several other patrons were staring at the two of them as if they'd sprouted wings from their heads. It probably wasn't everyday that any of them saw a grown man eat his first heart attack on a plate, so the odd looks were at least somewhat understandable. But Emma couldn't find it in herself to care what any of them thought. She was here to share a delicious, if decidedly unhealthy, part of her world with the man who had given up his world for her. After everything he had been through in his long life, his current excitement was infectious and made her happy. Why wouldn't she want that for him?