Disclaimer. I don't own Hellsing, and you know it
"Bah! This blood tastes like shit!" Alucard tossed the drained bag into the trash. "Walter, are you sure you got this from legitimate medical sources?"
"Of course, I'm sure, you old fool What sort of incompetent do you take me for?" The butler replied indignantly.
"Hmph. The quality of donors these days definitely leaves something to be desired."
"Oh do tell." Walter's sarcasm was palpable. He'd only heard this particular diatribe several hundred times before, through all the years that he'd known the vampire.
Alucard took this for encouragement, and holding aloft a fresh blood packet in illustration, launched into his well-worn monologue.
"First off-These additives they put in with no conception of what they do for the flavor! EDTA, heparin, Sodium Citrate! Ugh, Hospital blood is ruined."
"They're anti-coagulants," Walter interjected tiredly, "Do you really want your meal all clotted and lumpy?"
"Of course not! I want it fresh! You humans and your ridiculous penchant for artificial preservatives. It's so annoying. Just like sulfites ruin a fine wine, so too do your silly anti-coagulants ruin the flavor of my dinner. And they make me sneeze!"
"Well we can't very well let you go out and select your meals as you wish." This was old territory for the both of them.
"Yeah yeah, 'stay out of the public eye. wouldn't want Hellsing to be connected with vampire attacks' oh no. But if I'm not allowed to hunt for myself, couldn't you find volunteers to donate a fresh pint or two a day. without all the heparin?" Alucard sighed dreamily, "And it'd be warm too- Nothing beats the flavor of fresh arterial blood."
Walter shot yet another monocled glare at the vampire before he could start rhapsodizing again, "We collect venous blood for donations. Not arterial."
"Yes, yes. I know. Another point against it." Alucard shook his head, "But I'm getting sidetracked. I was discussing the quality of blood in general today-Oh, policegirl-come in! you should hear this too!"
"Huh?" She'd only been trying to find some gun-oil to clean her weapons with.
"Your esteemed master wishes to educate you on how to pick your future victims," Walter drawled, "Try not to take his advice. There's a good girl." Satisfied that he'd be able to make good his escape now that Alucard had found a new victim for his rant, Walter slipped from the room, leaving a confused Victoria to take his place at the table.
"Ah, good. Now where was I." Alucard resumed his speech.
"The state of blood today is truly deplorable. It's so hard for a true connoisseur to find a suitable neck to suck these days. Take for example, the lack of virgins. Now virgin blood is the grade A of all bloods, it doesn't matter if it's type A, B, O Rh + or -, it's the tastiest thing that will ever pass your lips. But girls these days! Do they care about my screaming taste buds? No! They squander their bodies on depraved, pimply- faced boys, and *boom * just like that, their savour is lost forever. Such a shame. Why back when I was young, girls guarded their virginity so well, there was never any shortage of the best blood."
Victoria's eyes were starting to glaze over. She was trying to tune out the Master's enraptured reminiscences of blood meals sipped, but his smooth voice was intruding on her both audibly and through their telepathic link. And much to her horror. she was starting to feel hungry.
With a flourish, Alucard produced half a dozen test-tubes from somewhere underneath his flowing trenchcoat.
"Now see here what I'm talking about." Carefully, he lined up the tubes in the ice bucket in front of Victoria. "High cholesterol." With one long finger, he tapped the first tube, and daintily uncapped it, "You'd think, wouldn't you , that extra fat would have a similar effect in blood as marbling has in a fine aged steak. But you'd be wrong." Alucard dipped a thin finger into the tube, and scowling brought a drop of blood to his lips. "look at the viscosity! It's like drinking sludge! And to think, so many humans these days are overweight, and their veins are full of this shit!" he thrust the tube at Victoria. "Try it, police-girl!"
"Where... Where did you get these?"
"Bah." He snickered, "Worried who I might have tapped into? Don't worry, the hospital will never miss them."
Victoria looked horrified.
Alucard merely leaned back, a sly grin spreading across his face, "Relax, police-girl! You're so high strung. I just stole the samples from a hospital lab. You think I'd waste my precious time killing for blood as sour as this?
"Anyway, what's even worse than the cholesterol is the atherosclerosis. You know that arteries can calcify? Just try biting into a neck with a plaque- infested carotid. You'll break your teeth on some of these geezers! Look, here, Once I chipped my fang!" Aggrievedly, he pointed to one shining canine.
Victoria couldn't help but giggle at the picture of her master getting worried about a broken tooth. After all, his whole face got blown apart on a regular basis-who could count the number of times he'd regenerated his entire jaw?
"I heard that!" Alucard tried to look stern, but failed. "Now. Alcoholics." He pointed to the next vial, "I'm sure you've heard the rumors that if you drink the blood of someone who's been imbibing alcohol, you can get drunk off of it. Not true!" he wagged one long finger sternly. "You'll just get a hangover. Try it."
He passed Victoria the vial. Cautiously, she sniffed and made a face, but obediently took a small sip before returning it. "Ugh."
"Exactly! You see, if you want the alcohol, you have to dine less than an hour after your meal's had their drink. Otherwise all you get are the metabolic byproducts! Acetaldehydes! Ketones! All you get from that is a hangover without the buzz. Waste of time, and it tastes bad, too. Never dine off of an alcoholic!"
"Yes, Master," Victoria promised meekly. Was he almost done yet? She had work to do. Her master really liked to talk too much sometimes.
"Ah, the impatience of youth! Calm down. I'm almost done." Alucard retorted, almost as if he'd read her mind. (Which, of course, he had.)
"For the finale, I have procured for us, the one treat that the modern world has actually produced for us! Diabetics!"
".Diabetics?"
"Yes," Alucard indicated the remaining 4 vials. "There is an epidemic of diabetes in the modern world. (I'm told it's even worse in the US-now there's a fine killing field). But," he reminded sternly, "You have to watch out. For you see, diabetic blood is very sweet, the perfect finish to a meal. All the glucose makes a very tasty desert. Still, not all diabetic blood is quality blood. Those who also have hyperlipidemia are too rich, and those who've reached the point of renal failure are too salty. Personally, I prefer Insulin Dependent Diabetics-plus they're younger and more tender, but there's so many more of the others. And you have to never, never select a victim who's in ketoacidosis." Alucard made a sour face. "Now drink up, I selected only the best for us!"
Neatly, he uncorked one vial and drained it down.
Hesitantly, Victoria followed suit.
"There, now wasn't that delicious?" Alucard fairly purred to see that his reluctant disciple was at last drinking.
"A toast-to many more fine vintages!" Alucard laughed, as he raised his final vial to the light. "Let us drink!"
"Yes, Master."
I apologize profusely for both writing and posting this pointless little ficcy. Also please pardon the medical focus of the diatribe. I can't help myself
"Bah! This blood tastes like shit!" Alucard tossed the drained bag into the trash. "Walter, are you sure you got this from legitimate medical sources?"
"Of course, I'm sure, you old fool What sort of incompetent do you take me for?" The butler replied indignantly.
"Hmph. The quality of donors these days definitely leaves something to be desired."
"Oh do tell." Walter's sarcasm was palpable. He'd only heard this particular diatribe several hundred times before, through all the years that he'd known the vampire.
Alucard took this for encouragement, and holding aloft a fresh blood packet in illustration, launched into his well-worn monologue.
"First off-These additives they put in with no conception of what they do for the flavor! EDTA, heparin, Sodium Citrate! Ugh, Hospital blood is ruined."
"They're anti-coagulants," Walter interjected tiredly, "Do you really want your meal all clotted and lumpy?"
"Of course not! I want it fresh! You humans and your ridiculous penchant for artificial preservatives. It's so annoying. Just like sulfites ruin a fine wine, so too do your silly anti-coagulants ruin the flavor of my dinner. And they make me sneeze!"
"Well we can't very well let you go out and select your meals as you wish." This was old territory for the both of them.
"Yeah yeah, 'stay out of the public eye. wouldn't want Hellsing to be connected with vampire attacks' oh no. But if I'm not allowed to hunt for myself, couldn't you find volunteers to donate a fresh pint or two a day. without all the heparin?" Alucard sighed dreamily, "And it'd be warm too- Nothing beats the flavor of fresh arterial blood."
Walter shot yet another monocled glare at the vampire before he could start rhapsodizing again, "We collect venous blood for donations. Not arterial."
"Yes, yes. I know. Another point against it." Alucard shook his head, "But I'm getting sidetracked. I was discussing the quality of blood in general today-Oh, policegirl-come in! you should hear this too!"
"Huh?" She'd only been trying to find some gun-oil to clean her weapons with.
"Your esteemed master wishes to educate you on how to pick your future victims," Walter drawled, "Try not to take his advice. There's a good girl." Satisfied that he'd be able to make good his escape now that Alucard had found a new victim for his rant, Walter slipped from the room, leaving a confused Victoria to take his place at the table.
"Ah, good. Now where was I." Alucard resumed his speech.
"The state of blood today is truly deplorable. It's so hard for a true connoisseur to find a suitable neck to suck these days. Take for example, the lack of virgins. Now virgin blood is the grade A of all bloods, it doesn't matter if it's type A, B, O Rh + or -, it's the tastiest thing that will ever pass your lips. But girls these days! Do they care about my screaming taste buds? No! They squander their bodies on depraved, pimply- faced boys, and *boom * just like that, their savour is lost forever. Such a shame. Why back when I was young, girls guarded their virginity so well, there was never any shortage of the best blood."
Victoria's eyes were starting to glaze over. She was trying to tune out the Master's enraptured reminiscences of blood meals sipped, but his smooth voice was intruding on her both audibly and through their telepathic link. And much to her horror. she was starting to feel hungry.
With a flourish, Alucard produced half a dozen test-tubes from somewhere underneath his flowing trenchcoat.
"Now see here what I'm talking about." Carefully, he lined up the tubes in the ice bucket in front of Victoria. "High cholesterol." With one long finger, he tapped the first tube, and daintily uncapped it, "You'd think, wouldn't you , that extra fat would have a similar effect in blood as marbling has in a fine aged steak. But you'd be wrong." Alucard dipped a thin finger into the tube, and scowling brought a drop of blood to his lips. "look at the viscosity! It's like drinking sludge! And to think, so many humans these days are overweight, and their veins are full of this shit!" he thrust the tube at Victoria. "Try it, police-girl!"
"Where... Where did you get these?"
"Bah." He snickered, "Worried who I might have tapped into? Don't worry, the hospital will never miss them."
Victoria looked horrified.
Alucard merely leaned back, a sly grin spreading across his face, "Relax, police-girl! You're so high strung. I just stole the samples from a hospital lab. You think I'd waste my precious time killing for blood as sour as this?
"Anyway, what's even worse than the cholesterol is the atherosclerosis. You know that arteries can calcify? Just try biting into a neck with a plaque- infested carotid. You'll break your teeth on some of these geezers! Look, here, Once I chipped my fang!" Aggrievedly, he pointed to one shining canine.
Victoria couldn't help but giggle at the picture of her master getting worried about a broken tooth. After all, his whole face got blown apart on a regular basis-who could count the number of times he'd regenerated his entire jaw?
"I heard that!" Alucard tried to look stern, but failed. "Now. Alcoholics." He pointed to the next vial, "I'm sure you've heard the rumors that if you drink the blood of someone who's been imbibing alcohol, you can get drunk off of it. Not true!" he wagged one long finger sternly. "You'll just get a hangover. Try it."
He passed Victoria the vial. Cautiously, she sniffed and made a face, but obediently took a small sip before returning it. "Ugh."
"Exactly! You see, if you want the alcohol, you have to dine less than an hour after your meal's had their drink. Otherwise all you get are the metabolic byproducts! Acetaldehydes! Ketones! All you get from that is a hangover without the buzz. Waste of time, and it tastes bad, too. Never dine off of an alcoholic!"
"Yes, Master," Victoria promised meekly. Was he almost done yet? She had work to do. Her master really liked to talk too much sometimes.
"Ah, the impatience of youth! Calm down. I'm almost done." Alucard retorted, almost as if he'd read her mind. (Which, of course, he had.)
"For the finale, I have procured for us, the one treat that the modern world has actually produced for us! Diabetics!"
".Diabetics?"
"Yes," Alucard indicated the remaining 4 vials. "There is an epidemic of diabetes in the modern world. (I'm told it's even worse in the US-now there's a fine killing field). But," he reminded sternly, "You have to watch out. For you see, diabetic blood is very sweet, the perfect finish to a meal. All the glucose makes a very tasty desert. Still, not all diabetic blood is quality blood. Those who also have hyperlipidemia are too rich, and those who've reached the point of renal failure are too salty. Personally, I prefer Insulin Dependent Diabetics-plus they're younger and more tender, but there's so many more of the others. And you have to never, never select a victim who's in ketoacidosis." Alucard made a sour face. "Now drink up, I selected only the best for us!"
Neatly, he uncorked one vial and drained it down.
Hesitantly, Victoria followed suit.
"There, now wasn't that delicious?" Alucard fairly purred to see that his reluctant disciple was at last drinking.
"A toast-to many more fine vintages!" Alucard laughed, as he raised his final vial to the light. "Let us drink!"
"Yes, Master."
I apologize profusely for both writing and posting this pointless little ficcy. Also please pardon the medical focus of the diatribe. I can't help myself