How the Battle of Five Armies Should Have Ended

Third in my series for "ridiculous ways the Dwarves (and co.) should not have survived the movie." MAJOR SPOILERS!

Legolas discovers Elves cannot fly and plummets to his death. (Need I mention the many times he died by smashing through stone bridges.)

Thorin forgets to eat or sleep while searching for the Arkenstone and dies of heart failure.

Fili and Kili are not wearing helmets. Kili gets an arrow to the forehead and Fili's head is bashed in.

Dain's iron forehead betrays him and he dies of a concussion after the battle.

Bilbo can't see much in the shadow ring world, and eventually runs straight into an Elf spear.

While building the wall, Ori's scarf is tangled around the pulley and he is hanged.

The pulley snaps while Kili is hoisting up the giant Dwarf statue. Kili is squashed. (Because he deserves two death opportunities.)

Dwalin's ram slips on the mountain slope and they both fall to their death.

Azog can't acclimate to the icy climate and turns into an Orc-sicle.

While trying to kill Bilbo, Thorin accidentally knocks Bofur over the wall.

Alfred trips over his skirts and breaks his neck.

Gandalf is stabbed by his cage when he is thrown down in Dol Guldur.

Balin watches the final heir fall to Dragon Sickness and his heart gives out while he is crying.

Nori slips too deeply into the gold mound and isn't found until spring.

Thorin (who also deserves two death opportunities) slips on the gold plated hall and smashes his forehead.

Dori is stabbed in battle, because someone has to die normally.

Gloin's massive beard is too exposed. An Orc grabs it and slits his throat.

Oin tests some of the medicines left in the mountain for over a century, and poisons himself from late expiration dates.

Bifur's brain cracks from the axe shard and he goes insane, killing Orcs, Elves and Dwarves until an Elf finally shoots him.

Bombur's looped braid catches on a rock, swings him around, and breaks his neck.

Broken limbs and a concussion kills Tauriel after she and Bolg tumble off the cliff.

The metal in Bolg's head freezes and his brain shuts down.

Bard is awesome and saves his kids. He lives.

And finally:

Three ways the Sons of Durin SHOULD HAVE survived:

Kili flips backwards over Bolg's leg and kicks said Orc in the face, thereby avoiding certain mortal injury.

Fili takes his own advice and follows Kili out of the tunnel, then waits for the Orcs to follow them.

After dunking Azog, Thorin walks away from the ice lake and allows said Pale Orc to freeze to death.