Author's Note: This is actually my first ever fanfiction, I have always loved writing stories, but I've never actually done anything with it, so I thought I'd try this. Anyway, please review, I'd love to know what people think of my writing and what I could improve on, I think it would really help me. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it!

Disclaimer: I don't own hunger games or any of the characters, they are all Suzanne Collins's.

Chapter 1

I can't believe I had just done that. I feel like such a horrible person. It's not the fact I told Peeta it was all an act, because it was. Well, most of it was. I'm not exactly willing to think which parts were real and which weren't. Doing that means I have to think back over the games, and I know I'm not ready for that. Ever. So that means that any emotion I have for Peeta must be shut down; locked away in a box I will never open, stored away in the deepest darkest places of my mind. At least, that's what I tell myself. Any resolve I made just faded away when I told him. It was awful, and I know I'll never forget it…

Haymitch walked back to the train, and then the door slammed shut. There was silence in the field; I could only hear the rustling of the grass and the wind whipping my hair. Normally, that would calm me, but instead I felt this uneasy silence that made me very uncomfortable. I looked over at Peeta; his features were twisted in a mask of confusion.

"What did he mean?" Peeta asks. I sigh deeply. Tell him the truth Katniss. Tell him the truth.

"It's the Capitol. They didn't like our stunt with the berries." I blurt out.

"What? What are you talking about?" He says. He still doesn't understand. Either he has no idea what's at stake, or he's really stupid. But somehow, I know that Peeta is many things, but stupid is not one of them. Again I repeat my mantra. Tell him the truth.

"It seemed too rebellious. So Haymitch has been coaching me through the last few days. To make sure that I didn't mess it up."

"Coaching you? But not me." He says. I can almost feel the cogs whirring around in his brain, trying desperately to figure out something, but he's blinded. By what, I have no idea.

I know I have to say something, so I say something stupid about him being smart enough to get it right. Haymitch told me to tell him that, he said it would make things easier, diffuse the tension a little. But it hasn't. If anything, it's made it a million times worse.

"I didn't know there was anything to get right," Peeta says slowly. Then I see the truth dawn on him. He looks as though he can't believe what I've done. He rakes a hand through his tousled blonde hair, and I suddenly find myself fascinated with the way the sunlight reflects of it. Wow, that was weird, I think. Stop right there. You promised yourself that any emotion would be shut down.

"So, what you're saying is, these last few days, and then I guess…back in the arena…that was just some strategy you two worked out." Before I can stop myself, I blurt out,

"No. I mean, I couldn't even talk to him in the arena, could I?"

"But you knew what he wanted you to do, didn't you?" He whispers. I bite my lip. I never knew that telling the truth could be so horrible.

"It was all for the games, how you acted..."I feel terrible, so I say,

"Not all of it." I clutch my flowers tightly. Now I'm thinking of them as flowers, rather than weeds. Is that a good thing?

"Well, how much was real?" He asks. Oh no, how do I answer this question when I don't even know the answer myself?

"No, forget that," I hear him say. I can't help but feel relieved. "I guess the real question is, what's going to be left when we get home?" I stop and think about this. What will be left when we get home? There's only one way to find out.

"I don't know, the closer we get to District 12, the more confused I get." I say, I know he wants more, a better answer than what I have given him. Unfortunately, it's the best answer I've got. Peeta stands in front of me, his arms crossed, waiting. I can't look into his eyes. I know if I do, I will be filled with shame and guilt. So I don't.

"Well, let me know when you work it out." He says. I can hear the pain in his voice, and he sharply turns away from me like he's going to walk away, but then he stops and turns back to me.

"I guess you won't need these anymore." He says harshly, plucking the flowers out of my hand. I'm so stunned, I can't move, so I just watch as he rips the heads off the flowers and tosses them to the ground. They scatter around my feet, until I'm surrounded by a ring of pink and white flowers. Peeta turns and walks away, wobbling slightly as he tries to control his prosthetic leg. At one point, he stumbles a little and I want to rush and help him, but my pride won't let me. When he's nearly at the train door, he turns and looks at me one last time. My heart nearly shatters at his appearance. He is pale with shock, watery eyes filled with unshed tears. He looks far too skinny from his time in the arena, and his shoulders are slumped with rejection. His whole body sends out one word, hopelessness. Then he gets on the train and the door slams so loud I could probably hear it 3 valleys away. I just stand there, one hand stretched towards the train, the other clutching my skirt…

I shudder away from the memory. That was about an hour ago. When I'd been able to move again, I'd sunk to the ground and picked up one of the pink flowers. I clutched it in my hand like a lifeline, then stood up and got on the train. I entered the living quaters and Effie was there, touching up her makeup. When she saw me, she stood up and walked over to me, kissing my cheek.

"Hello my little victor!" she smiled at me, and she was bubbling with so much enthusiasm that even I had to smile.

"Are you looking forward to going back to District 12? I know I am! Can you imagine the reception? I simply cannot believe that there has been two victors, which has never happened before so I'm sure that the festivities will be perfect. Nothing but the best for my two victors!" She gushed, putting the emphasis on the fact that we were hers, like we were some sort of possession. I was about to argue with her, but then she asks where Peeta is, and the guilt took over me again. I made some pathetic excuse about him taking a nap or something but she seemed to believe it. Effie began to babble about Peeta and I winning again so I left the room, I could not stand to be in the same room as her. I went back to my bedroom to try and find something to do. For a while, I just sit and stare out of the window, hoping to see the first signs of District 12. However, I don't see anything, just lots of fields. I haven't seen any other districts on this train, but maybe that's the whole point. The Capitol don't want anyone to see the districts. I wonder why.

There is a sharp knock on my door. I jump up, and glance at the clock. I've been sitting here for hours! The knock comes again. I go to the door and open it with a sigh. Effie stands there, in yet another attire. It makes me wonder how many times a day this woman changes her clothes. Effie smiles at me and tells me it's time for dinner. I follow her into the dining cart and sit down in a seat. It's only then I realise how hungry I actually am. A huge plate of roast dinner later, I'm feeling a lot better. Haymitch staggers into the car and flops down in his seat. He's incredibly drunk. Again. I don't know why to be honest, when he has two victors and is going back to his home. He has nothing bad to forget. Still, I have to be grateful to him. He did get me and Peeta out of the arena alive. Still, maybe it would be best if Peeta had died in the arena because then he wouldn't hate me and President Snow wouldn't want to kill me either. I sigh. Life can be so complicated.

"Haymitch, where's Peeta?" I ask him. Haymitch looks away and focuses on his drink. I hope he isn't ignoring me too. Finally he looks up at me.

"Why do ya wanna know?" he asks. I find that quite rude. He looks at me like I've done something terrible, and I haven't. Well, I have, but Haymitch doesn't know this. Does he?

"He's my friend," I say quietly. "We've been through hell and back together. Is it a crime to want to know where he is and if he's alright?" Haymitch looks angry now.

"Sweetheart, I think you've lost the right to know if he's okay. He's pretty upset right now, you need to leave him alone. You being there will make this already shitty situation a million times worse, if that's even possible. He'll forget this ever happened in the morning, with all the booze he's had." He slurs. Wait what? Peeta drinking? Oh no.

"What's going on?" Effie asks. She is sitting across from us, listening intently to our conversation. Sometimes, I forget how observant Effie can be. I pretty much always assume she is doing something frivolous such as changing her hairstyle a million times a day. I always seem to underestimate her. I just don't like it when she says what she sees.

"Effie, this is none of your business, so butt out!" I snap. She looks at me, and I can see the hurt in her eyes. This makes me feel bad. She was only trying to help, and I was rude to her. I'll be sure to add her to the growing list of names of people I have upset today.

"Haymitch," I say, trying to keep my voice down. " How much has Peeta had to drink?" This could be disastrous. As far as I'm aware, Peeta has never had alcohol, and if he's had a lot, that could be seriously bad for his body. He can't get wrecked like Haymitch!

"Haymitch, think!" I yell at him. I'm furious with him for letting Peeta get drunk. Any respect for him is long gone.

"Well… we had a few pints, some wine, a few shots, not that much." He grins at me, and I nearly gag at the smell of his breath. I have to find him, to know if Peeta's okay. This is all my fault, god knows what could happen. Quickly I stand up from my chair, and run out of the room. I can hear Haymitch shouting behind me, but I pay no attention, and I know he will be in no condition to follow me. Suddenly, the train starts off again, and the movement throws me back into the wall. I guess they must have finally fixed the problem. I hit my head on something hard and metallic, and I fall to the floor. I instantly get up again, even though my head hurts like hell. I gently touch the bump, my head throbbing with pain.

"Dammit," I curse, but I know I have to carry on now. I have to find Peeta, to know if he's alright! A few minutes later, I come across the sleeping quarters. I rush past all the doors, to the fifth one down. I push against the silver door, but the stupid thing won't open. I twist the handle, but it still won't open. Then I notice the passcode on the wall and realise I don't know the code. I'll never get in! Then I have an idea. What if I use my passcode? It might work! I punch the code in as fast as I can, and the door opens. Finally! Then I scan the room, and I let out a gasp when I see Peeta and the state he's in…

Author's Note: Cliffhanger! Don't worry, I'll try and write more if people like this story. Please remember to review, I can't say enough how much it would mean to me.

Love,

Mjenney21 xxx