Here's the final chapter guys :/ Always feels a little sad but I need to get back to my other fic & I also have another Rollaro fic in works that will follow the actual show a little more than this one did.
I wish I could hug all of you that has reviewed or gotten in touch with me via PM (& that's saying a lot cause I'm really not a hugger IRL). I just can't thank you enough. There are no words to describe how great it feels to get feedback on what you put out there & I have valued it & I'll keep all your kind words for that rainy day when I need it the most.
My plan had been to leave Liv & Amanda there in the last chapter but since you asked for it I wrote a shorter 'morning after' segment. I hope you like & again - thank you & stay awesome! XO
Chapter 11
"There are no secrets that time does not reveal." – Jean Racine
Amanda's eyes popped open and she immediately regretted it, the bright light hurting her eyes. She clamped them shut again but it didn't get any better as her brain hurt when scrunching her face. She tried covering her eyes with her hand so she could ease her face up a little. She didn't recognize the linen covering her, or the fabric in whatever she was wearing and neither the feel of the mattress underneath her. Curiosity and a slight anxiety of whose bed she was in made her peek through her fingers.
Looking over the room and seeing one of the biggest teddy bears she'd ever laid eyes on made the memories come flooding back. Noah's room. Liv's apartment. She'd been at a bar and Liv had showed up. She had some faint recollection of Liv helping her up off the floor. Of her helping her undress. Oh God please don't make that be reality.
Amanda had a look underneath the cover once her eyes had gotten used to the light, she didn't have time to wait for her head to stop pounding though and she had a pretty good idea that would take serious doses of Tylenol to cure. God it was true. She wasn't wearing her own clothes and she really had no recollection of swopping clothes herself. It could've happened though she tried to tell herself.
It didn't take long until she saw the glass of water and two little white pills next to it. It did take a little longer for her to get up on one hand so she could swallow the pills, trusting that Liv didn't try and drug her. The water felt good and she emptied the glass. She picked up a sound and looked over to find the door slightly open. It sounded like a child.
She manage to get her legs over the edge of the bed but had to grab a hold of the bed with both hands as her head started spinning. She felt really sick all of a sudden but noticed the bin right by the bed and embarrassment took over. She must've been way drunk last night and it looked as though Liv had not missed it. She felt like just ducking in underneath the cover again but the longer she dragged this out the harder it would get.
With the help of a bedpost she managed to get to her feet and stay there. The pants she was wearing were too long and covered her feet but there wasn't a risk she would stumble as she was mostly shuffling as she dragged herself towards the door. She peeked out, didn't recognize this part of the apartment, she hadn't really gotten this far in before. She saw the bathroom to her right, really felt like visiting it first but she didn't want to be impolite. Like she hadn't passed that threshold already but she still took the walk of shame down the hallway towards the sounds.
"Well good morning," Liv smiled as she spotted a ragged Amanda coming shuffling down the hallway. Liv could see the pant legs were too long but she figured that might not be the reason she was shuffling.
"Morning," Amanda mumbled rubbing her stomach a little nervously. She stopped a few yards from them. Liv was by the stove, cooking something, wearing a matching set of sweats. Noah was stuck on the other side of the counter in his high chair playing with some food in front of him, some of it seemed to go in to his mouth.
"Morning Noah," Amanda said a little more chipper as the kid was looking her way. Liv looked between the two, smiled at Amanda's tiny wave and Noah looking at the unfamiliar guest with big eyes. Liv chuckled as she saw Noah extend his hand towards Amanda with some cut pieces of pancakes in it.
"Well it seems we know who wants to sit next to you at the table," Liv smiled Amanda's way. Amanda did her best to smile back.
"Eh… could I just use the bathroom," Amanda asked a little timid.
"Of course, you don't have to ask, use it. Come back to have some breakfast with us though," Liv urged. She got a dubious nod and really hoped Amanda would hurry back. Noah made a displeased noise as he saw Amanda leave.
"She'll be back," Liv reassured him, "I hid her shoes and jacket in the closet, she's not going anywhere."
Liv chuckled at the laugh Noah let out even though he probably did not get any of what she'd just said.
Amanda lingered a while in the bathroom after she'd used the toilet. She washed her face with cold water and it made her feel a little better. She couldn't believe she'd actually slept through the night. She wasn't really sure when she'd gone to bed but she knew there had been no nightmares during her sleep. Her sleep had just been blank and it was a blessing from the nights she'd had since her mom left, since the trial started really.
She felt like taking a shower but she didn't feel comfortable staying away for too long. Just the thought of food made her feel sick so she really hoped Liv wouldn't force any on her. She dragged herself back out before throwing a look at herself in the mirror, she really wished she wouldn't have though, it did nothing to boost her confidence.
"Well there you are," Liv said cheerfully as she spotted Amanda again, "Have a seat next to the kid, he was sad to see you go."
Amanda walked around the counter and up to Noah. She hesitated a little but then had a seat on the chair closest to him. He gave her a smile but thankfully didn't offer her any of his food this time. The pieces of pancake mixed with jam on his tray didn't look appetizing.
"Are you cold?" Liv asked over her shoulder, "You want a robe or something?"
"No, I'm fine… thanks," Amanda mumbled.
Liv wasn't convinced, Amanda looked like she was freezing but perhaps it could just be tension as well.
"Half and half right?" Liv asked as she put a cup of steamy hot coffee in front of her. The smell was delicious Amanda had to admit and she nodded as she brought the cup closer. Liv gave her a smile and then turned back to the stove.
"So we got pancakes on the menu, we can also offer omelet, scrambled eggs, bacon, bagel. I'm trying to do my own version of eggs benedict here, just was in the mood for it, and I don't mind trying to make another one…"
Liv had a look over her shoulder when no answer came. Amanda looked perhaps a little paler than when she had first arrived. It didn't look as though she'd tried the coffee yet but it could perhaps just be because it was still too hot.
"Coffee is fine," Amanda tried.
"I will feed you," Liv said turning back around, "We would not be a good B&B if we don't. Right Noah?"
Liv threw another look over her shoulder giving herself a reason to do so but her eyes quickly drifted from Noah to Amanda again. Amanda had been looking at Noah as well and he was flapping his hand at her so she reached out and granted him the touch he seemed to want.
Amanda realized Liv was watching them and she withdrew her hand, giving her supervisor an awkward smile.
"Well now you made him sad again," Liv winked, "Can't make the kid sad."
Liv turned back around to give the two privacy. She put her own eggs benedict on a plate, leaving it on the stove to keep it warm, while she brought out two new eggs. She whisked them together with some milk in a bowl and then poured it all out in the pan. While the eggs cooked she went over to the fridge to get some orange juice and also a tomato that she sliced and put on a new plate. She peeked over at them a few times, Amanda busy helping Noah to rearrange his pancake pieces on his tray. Amanda reached up to put a little jam on Noah's nose and it made him laugh, Liv smiled as she turned away again.
Liv came over with Amanda's plate once she was done and she caught the slight frown on Amanda's face as she put the plate in front of her along with the glass of juice.
"I realize you don't feel like eating right now," Liv said respectfully, "but it will do you good. Eggs contain cysteine which breaks down toxins, the toast will help boost your blood sugar, the tomato will help reload the vitamin C you lost last night and the fructose in the juice will help get rid of the lingering alcohol in your system. I'm keeping the bacon from you even though I know you like it. Most people believe greasy food will help with hangovers but it actually does the opposite, it only upsets your stomach more. It can help you prevent it but that ship has sailed right."
Liv gave her a warm smile to clarify she wasn't trying to offend Amanda.
"Growing up with an alcoholic mother I've done my research," Liv confessed as she walked back to get her own plate. She came back over, handing Amanda a fork and then sat down opposite them.
"Please just try a little," Liv begged, "and that's enough of me badgering you about it."
Amanda gave Liv an awkward smile before she put her fork down in the eggs even though just looking at the food made her stomach flip. She didn't want to disappoint Liv any more than she'd already done.
They ate under silence for a while. Or more so Liv ate, while trying to not stare too much at Amanda struggling to just get some bits and pieces in her mouth. Liv felt bad for her but she knew food would make her feel better if she could just push through the initial discomfort. Noah had gained his appetite back and was putting the last pieces of pancake in his mouth. When he was done though he started whining a little and Liv got to her feet. She brought a bag of wipes and came around the counter. Noah sat still as she wiped him off a little and when she put him down he immediately wobbled towards a play bin in the living room. As he planted himself by it Liv had walked around to have a seat again by the counter. She met Amanda's eyes briefly before Amanda bowed her head down again.
"Did you sleep okay?" Liv decided to ask. She knew Noah might not give them that much time so she couldn't waste it right now.
"Yeah, sure, thanks," Amanda mumbled a little embarrassed.
Liv hoped she was telling the truth, she'd checked in on her as she visited the bathroom in the middle of the night and Amanda had been resting peacefully at that time at least.
"Do you remember… what happened last night?" Liv asked. She wasn't sure just how much Amanda would recall in the state she'd been.
"Some of it," Amanda whispered, "I know I owe you an apology. I was way drunk."
Amanda squirmed a little, wished she could eat so she at least could occupy herself with something.
"You don't owe me an apology Amanda," Liv said, "You should've let us know your mom left though. That you had cabin fever. We would've wanted to keep you company."
"I don't want you to feel like you have to… babysit me," Amanda mumbled stubbornly but immediately regretted it as she'd proved she needed just that, babysitting, last night. Liv was thinking the same but didn't say it.
"You're a part of our squad Amanda," Liv said instead, "and it's what we do when a member of us needs… some backing up."
Liv had finished her plate, put her utensils down and pushed the plate away a little so she could lean in on the counter to get just a little bit closer to Amanda.
"It won't be forever Amanda," she said carefully, "but you need help right now. This isn't going to be easy, or something that can be… fixed quickly. It's going to take time. You will have to let it take time because, we both know, it's not easy to get passed something like this."
Amanda put her fork down to be able to put her hands down on her lap, she didn't want Liv to see her hands had started to shake. She had a little hard to breathe and the room felt a little small all of a sudden.
"Amanda," Liv said demanding her attention.
"It will get better," Liv said seriously once she had Amanda's eyes. She felt some fear asking the next question, if the answer would be no then she wouldn't feel good at all.
"Do you trust me Amanda?" she still asked. She could tell Amanda hesitated but felt relieved once she finally nodded.
"I promise to not let you down," Liv said and reached for something she'd placed on her counter earlier.
"I know you think therapy is just paying someone to listen to your problems…" Liv started and Amanda squirmed immediately.
"I shouldn't have said that to you," Amanda mumbled apologetic but Liv just smiled at her.
"Then make it up to me," she suggested and placed the business card by her plate, "I want you to see my therapist."
Amanda gave her a questionable glance.
"It's just for a referral," Liv reassured her understanding that Amanda probably didn't want to share therapist with her, "He'll match you up with someone good. A couple of them, it's important you find someone you can trust and open up to. It isn't easy Amanda but I promise you it will be worth it in the end. You're going to need guidance and professional support through this process, it's nothing you should go through on your own."
She gave Amanda a few seconds to take it all in, she was still looking at the card in front of her with fright in her eyes.
"And you'll have us there every step of the way," Liv said, "well whenever you want us there, but please Amanda… use us. We want to be there for you."
Liv wished at least one of Amanda's hands could've been on the counter, that she could touch her. Reaching over to touch Amanda's arm seemed like a stretch and Liv also feared Amanda would flinch, that it would get awkward. Realizing Amanda was keeping her hands on her lap made Liv worry about something else too.
"Those marks on your legs Amanda, those bruises," Liv said and caught Amanda tensing up. Her eyes moving away from the card but not Liv's way but further away.
"It has to stop," Liv said seriously, "I will not sit by anymore and let you hurt yourself more than you've already done. I want you to take the help I'm offering you but if you don't I will use my authority cause I just can't… no I refuse to see you punish yourself for something that isn't your fault. It isn't your fault Amanda."
Liv studied her young detective closely, hoping she was at least taking her words in even if her body language sent contradictory signals. Noah made a whiney noise over in the living room and Liv looked over seeing him toss a teddy bear across the floor.
"The guilty verdict should tell you that but I also know that it doesn't automatically mean you take it to heart," Liv said focusing her attention back on Amanda who still kept her head down. Still no sign of either of her hands.
"That will take time but I'm going to be there, Fin will be there," Liv said, "we will all be there to help you get to a point when you will be able to strive again and be able to see what we already know, that nothing of what Patton did to you was your fault in any way."
Noah started whining again over in the living room and Liv recognized the whine and knew it would most likely turn to cries at any moment and unfortunately she wasn't wrong. Liv got up, walked around the counter and over to Noah to pick him up. She welcomed the kid's arms around her neck and didn't mind the slight slobber on her that came with the hug. She rubbed his back gently, cooed him as she walked back over to Amanda.
Liv took notice of Amanda churning her hands in her lap, at least it meant she wasn't scratching herself. Liv could tell how uncomfortable Amanda felt though and she wished she wouldn't have to.
"I called in this morning and took a few hours off but unfortunately I just can't take the whole day," Liv said, disappointment in her voice since she'd hoped to take the entire day off.
"No, Amanda," Liv said, stretching out her hand to stop Amanda from getting up off her chair. Liv sighed, feeling disappointed in her failed attempts to reach Amanda. She really hoped she wouldn't have to get Amanda drunk again to get her talking, she would do it if she had to though.
"We still have time, there's no immediate rush. I would much rather spend the day with you and this little guy," Liv said and jumped Noah a little in her arms, "but I am the boss and we are missing one of the best detectives in the squad room right now."
Liv had hoped for a smile but settled with the slight tug in the corner of Amanda's mouth. Noah hugged her neck a little tighter and Liv started rubbing his back again.
"Have a shower if you want to, I'll reheat your food and maybe you can give it another go in a little while," Liv tried, "I happen to know dr Lindstrom has an opening at noon, I would really like to drive you there if you let me."
Liv had called this morning and managed to reach her therapist. She hadn't been planning to bring it up with Amanda until she came back to work but that was before when she thought her mom was still around and that someone was taking care of her. Now it felt urgent to get Amanda to see a specialist. She had destructive tendencies to begin with, Liv didn't feel comfortable leaving her to fend for herself and she wasn't sure Amanda would reach out for help on her own.
"Please say something Amanda," Liv begged when Amanda just kept frowning. She was losing her patience as she felt inept to deal with Amanda.
"Okay," Amanda whispered and caught Liv off guard.
"What? Okay? You'll let me drive you there?" Liv asked a little baffled. And happy as Amanda nodded slightly.
"Great," Liv said relieved.
"And… thank you," Amanda mumbled not really able to look at Liv, "for last night and…" Amanda shrugged a little.
Liv felt a little overwhelmed and didn't know what to say, her throat closed up a little.
"I'm sorry for… getting so… drunk," Amanda continued awkwardly.
Liv felt bad for her. She reached out, aiming for Amanda's cheek but ended up just brushing down Amanda's hair as she thought she spotted a flinch as she came closer. She let go off the tips of Amanda's hair and continued down to put her hand over Amanda's. Amanda peeked up at Liv from underneath her bangs.
"Don't worry about it," Liv said once she had Amanda's eyes. Amanda bit her lip and looked down. Liv squeezed her hands.
"Call me next time though, if you need a ride… or company."
Amanda looked up to make sure Liv was honest and Liv nodded at her.
"With this one I don't get out much, I would love to have a drink with you," Liv smiled.
"Okay," Amanda whispered. She couldn't produce a smile but she felt a little happy inside at least. It felt really good to know Liv cared about her this much. She didn't think she mattered much to anyone.
Liv removed her hand as Noah was going a little heavy on just one arm. Liv swop arms to hold him with.
"You want to take a shower?" Liv asked to break the silence.
"That would be nice," Amanda mumbled.
"You have fresh towels on the shelf right there by the shower," Liv said, "Your clothes are folded on a chair in your room. Do you want to borrow anything? I mean we're not the same size but I can try and find something that will work…"
"I'm… fine…" Amanda said even though she would've preferred to pick the outfit to wear as she was visiting the nut doctor. On the other hand though she wasn't even sure what she wore last night, maybe it would be fine.
She got up off the chair and appreciated Liv taking a step back to let her pass. She got a few steps when Liv called out for her.
"Amanda," Liv said and made her turn back around.
"It's a really good step you're taking," Liv smiled, "It's not going to be easy but I'll be there, we'll all be there for you. Whatever you do from here on out, don't ever lose track of that Amanda. We're like family, through good and bad right?"
Amanda managed a weak smile and gave her sarge a slight nod. She feared any more would make the tears burning behind her eyes escape and she turned again to keep walking back down to her room for the night. She felt horrible. Head pounding from her hangover, body aching a little here and there from God knew what, and embarrassment over her behavior last night lingering still. But there was something else in the midst of all that. A warmth in her heart, a sliver of hope perhaps, with the notion she wasn't alone any longer and that maybe not all was lost after all. Maybe she wasn't lost after all.
"Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time." ~ Maya Angelou
"Sonya," Nick sighed in to the phone for what felt like the hundredth time over the ten minutes the phone call with his sister had lasted.
"Please stop," Nick finally said a little harsher, "There's nothing you can say that will make me attend that charade of a wedding. I don't want anything to do with him and you need to respect my choice."
She didn't say anything but he could picture her shaking her head, making those big eyes at him and if she was really upset than her hand was probably up in the air right now. He wouldn't speak first though, he'd said his piece and he had every right to not attend their father's wedding after what he'd put their family through.
"Fine," Sonya finally grumbled on the other line, "Keep being a stubborn mule, you will not stop me from having fun at the wedding."
"And nor do I want to prevent you to, just keep an eye on mom okay?"
"Of course," Sonya said. There was another silent pause. Nick had walked in to his kitchen and had a look in his fridge since he had to make up his mind what he wanted for dinner tonight.
"I was kind of hoping you would bring your date," Sonya said all of a sudden with that cheeky tone of hers.
"What? What date?" Nick said rising up but keeping his hand on the fridge door.
"That girl you've been seeing for months now, c'mon big brother don't try to fool me, don't you think mom's told me?" Sonya said a little offended.
Nick shook his head, he had a pretty good idea what his mother could've told his sister but he wouldn't give it to her that easy.
"I don't know what you're talking about, or what mom could've told you, I'm not seeing anyone right now," Nick said and felt a little sad as he realized that was really the truth. It had been over months now since he'd last been with Amanda and with everything going on he didn't dare to wish, to even think, about a future for the two of them together.
"So a certain blonde, that you met on the job," Sonya teased, "and that has a liking for lace…"
"Hey, don't…" Nick warned. Amanda had been so embarrassed when she'd learnt it was his mother that had found her lost undergarments between his sheets in the laundry basket. He'd felt bad for her but also found her blushing cheeks very endearing and thinking back at that moment now something stirred down below. He missed her.
"Ah there he is, the knight in shining armor sticking up for his woman," Sonya teased.
"Stop it Son, I'm not a shining knight, I couldn't…" Nick bit down the rest of the sentence, he couldn't tell his sister the ugly truth about what Amanda had been through, Sonya was the worst tattletale he knew.
"What?" she asked though sensing he held something back.
"It's nothing," he said as he closed his fridge and walked back in to the living room to have a seat. He wasn't hungry any longer.
"It's something," she nagged though, "c'mon tell me, it's not good for you to bottle everything up Nicky."
He sat down in his couch with a sigh. It would be nice to talk to someone about what was going on, he couldn't really talk about it with anyone at work. He could though but whenever he'd touched on it with Liv he got too emotional and he worried she would figure out it was more than platonic between them. Fin wasn't saying anything, probably not wanting to betray Amanda's trust and Carisi, well Carisi was Carisi and not an option when it came to this.
"Nicky…" Sonya begged. Nick leaned back against the couch, closing his eyes.
"It's complicated," he whispered.
"When is it not complicated with you and women Nicky?" Sonya moaned.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked a little annoyed opening his eyes again.
"You're going to get angry with me…" Sonya warned.
"No, I promise not to, what do you mean," Nick said promising something he knew he probably wouldn't deliver on.
"What was it… 7th grade? Julia right? And you were both what, 12? You told mom this was the woman you were going to marry. You kept writing her name Juliet, and I know you saw yourself as Romeo. Well your story ended about as tragic as the original story…" Sonya left room for a response.
"I don't…" Nick mumbled but to try and deny he didn't remember the spectacle he'd caused when Julia broke up with him would be a complete lie, he did remember.
"Mom called the suicide hotline Nicky," Sonya said raising her voice, "She was so worried about you and your shattered heart. Yes that was the word you used. Shattered."
He heard Sonya groan on the other line and he squirmed uncomfortably on the couch.
"When you finally dragged your sorry as back to school, bit down the humiliation of seeing your Juliet with that other boy in the hallways… I saw you stalk them though just so you know. Then you swore off women until high school but then…"
"Matilda," Nick whispered.
"Matilda," Sonya said with a huff, "I don't need to remind you how that went down right? It's like you have this three years interval cause then it was college right? Abigail. Abby. You were so in love, she was going to be the mother of your children but she had other plans right. You almost flunked that year because of all the drama. It's always drama with you Nick. But then you met Maria and well, she's drama too, and how you worked Cynthia in to all of that I don't want to know. A cheater I did not have you down as."
"I wasn't… I mean… no, you're right, that was bad," Nick said with a heavy sigh.
"You don't do love easily Nick. I did tell you from the start I didn't think Maria was good for you, I don't need to point out I was right…"
"Zara," Nick said, "I got Zara so something good came out of it."
"Okay yeah but what's complicated with this one? Mom says you've been happy, well in-between your moody periods. I know you've had… problems. With that shooting last year, and you beat up someone, he might've been a bad guy… did she have something to do with it?"
"What? No, she had nothing to do with all that," Nick said firmly.
"So she's not causing you trouble?" Sonya asked.
Nick didn't know how to answer that. They had been at each other's throats as partners, often having opposite opinions on a case but she had eased, maybe he too, since they got together. She had definitely not caused him trouble up until… the bar. She'd acted so not like herself and she'd tried to trigger him, and almost succeeded. He'd been so angry when he left the bar. Angry at her and disappointed in himself for letting her get to him. Emotions had shifted later that night. He'd been angry at himself and disappointed in her. He'd decided it was time to quit whatever they had going on. He'd been so close to hitting her and he knew he would never forgive himself if he did. He'd told himself she wasn't good for him but there had been several nights when his thoughts had wandered to her.
Her words that night had echoed in his head but he realized his rage inside blocked some of her words and he wasn't sure what he'd heard. Some of us don't want to be victims. That's what she'd said right? What did that even mean? Now he understood what she'd really been talking about that night and he wished he could've kept his cool and listened instead of storming out.
And he did miss the sex. No reason to lie about that. He'd missed how her body felt under his touch, the intimacy, the way she felt around him. Just thinking about her that way made parts of him tingle. Her laughter, how easily entertained she was by silly dog commercials, the passion in her eyes whenever she talked about something that upset or angered her. The way she could lean in to him when it was just the two of them on the couch and how he at those moments would imagine that what they had could be so much more than just sex.
"Nicky?" Sonya said pulling him out of his thoughts.
"Where did you go?" she asked after he said he was still there.
"Just thinking," he mumbled.
"About her?"
"Aha," he answered as he rubbed his face, tried to get rid of the uneasy feeling. Why hadn't he put the signs together earlier?
"Tell me what it is that's complicated, maybe it's just in your head?" Sonya said after a short silent pause.
"No, I… can't," he said shaking his head.
"Why not? Is it cause it's me? You don't want to tell me?" Sonya asked sounding offended.
"No, that's not it, I don't want to… don't want to talk about her. For her privacy I mean," Nick tried to explain. Sonya seemed to take that in and to his surprise understand that it wasn't all about her for a change.
"So it is really complicated?" Sonya asked, sounding a little surprised.
"Yes, it really is this time," he admitted. It wasn't just complicated, it was messy, chaotic, ugly and fucked up.
"What happened?" Sonya asked still not ready to give up on getting some juicy parts of it.
"Something… happened to her, like not recently but in the past and I just found out. I'm not sure she can… if what we're doing is good for her," he answered a little evasive.
"What are you doing?" Sonya asked nosily. Nick sighed loudly, he didn't like this side of her. Just one of many that annoyed him.
"Well I know from the panties mom found in your sheets you're intimate so I'm just going to assume that's what you're talking about then… but what… what happened to her?" Sonya asked and by her sensitive tone she got a little worried.
"I can't discuss that with you Sonya, and it's not me trying to be mean to you or hold something back, I just don't want to… betray her," Nick tried to explain. He worried his sister would try and twist it as him being guarded towards her, she often did that.
"Sounds like you really care for her," Sonya said simply though.
"Yeah… yeah I do," Nick said and smiled slightly.
"Have you told her that?"
"Well… no, I mean I think she knows but not really, I mean we work together so it's…"
"Complicated," Sonya filled in.
"Yeah, complicated," Nick admitted.
"But you want to be with her?"
"Yeah…" he answered a bit hesitant but then, "Yeah if it was just up to me then yes."
"So she's the problem? She doesn't want to be with you?"
"She's not the problem, I mean there is a problem but she didn't cause it. She's not to blame for anything. All she ever did was trying to be a good sister."
"Sister?" Sonya asked confused.
"Never mind, she's a good person that's what I meant. She didn't do anything wrong."
"So she doesn't want to be with you?"
"Well I don't know," he mumbled.
"You haven't asked her? You don't know if whatever this problem is about, if it's really a problem for her?" Sonya's voice got a little agitated.
"It's not that… simple," Nick tried.
"Sounds simple enough. You want to be with her so find out if she wants to be with you. Just ask her."
"I can't…," Nick sighed, it was difficult to get your point across when you were talking in riddles, "It's just I can't, I won't put that on her right now. She has enough to deal with so I don't want to add anything that has the potential to make her life more complicated."
Sonya made a disgruntled noise, she did not get his reasoning.
"Well at least tell me you're sticking around, lending her support in whatever this life crisis is about," Sonya said a little annoyed.
"Well…" Nick said a little evasive.
"Nicky! Don't tell me you're not there for her."
Sonya's voice had reached another level of shrieking.
"I'm giving her space, I think that's what she needs," Nick said sitting up in the couch getting a little agitated himself.
He figured the last thing Amanda needed was him pushing himself on her right now. And yes, maybe he was a little bit scared. He could deal with victims at work, he didn't have a problem with it but this wasn't work. This was personal. How did he touch her? Did she even want to be touched?
What if they got together and he did something that reminded her of what had happened in Atlanta? What if she tensed up when he was holding her? Should he back off then or could he still hold on to her? He had no idea what to do here. And he'd already had hundreds of scary scenarios in his head of potential situations with her and he had zero ideas on how to handle any of them.
"Sometimes you're just too…" Sonya groaned, Nick could picture her shaking her head, "You give her space if she tells you she wants space, no actually only if you made bloody sure that's actually what she wants cause in case you didn't know this already, big brother, women will sometimes say things they don't mean. Give me space can sometimes mean give me a hug so before you give her space, if she says she needs it, you make bloody sure that's what she really wants. But until she hasn't even said it you get your ass over there or you don't deserve her in the first place."
"But… what if she was only in it for the…"
"Sex? You can say it Nicky, we're not kids any longer," Sonya sighed, "Well yeah that might be a possibility but you won't know until you ask her."
There was a short pause, Nick's mind was racing.
"Is she the type?" Sonya asked, "The type that would be in it only for the sex I mean."
"Well no, I mean I thought so at first, that it was only about… sex," he couldn't get over the awkward feeling of talking about this with his kid sister, "but what I know now, with her… past experience, then no. She's definitely not the type."
"Is this about what's been in the papers for the past weeks?" Sonya suddenly asked and caught Nick by surprised. It wasn't that he thought his sister was daft but it surprised him that she put two and two together like this, it wasn't like her.
"Maybe," Nick answered cryptically.
"You should definitely go to her Nicky," Sonya said seriously, "If it's about what I think it is then she's already second guessing herself enough as it is, the last thing she need is to second guessing you too."
"You're probably right about that," Nick said under his breath suddenly feeling really stupid for not checking in with Amanda. It had been over a week now. He had heard about her mom ditching her. Fin was apparently back on her couch again. He didn't want to disturb or be in the way of that but he realized it was a lousy excuse. He was just too chicken to handle all of this.
"Well I'll be darn, you're actually acknowledging that I can be right," Sonya laughed. Nick bit down a comeback, he'd let her have that one.
"Does that mean you might come to the wedding as well?" Sonya tried.
"Don't push it sis," Nick said.
"Well I won't give up just yet, and it would be a great way of asking your girlfriend out on a date," Sonya suggested.
"Oh no, I'm not bringing her anywhere near you or dad," Nick said.
"But mom?" Sonya teased, of course biting on that one.
"You'd bring her to see mom well then wedding bells are not far off…" Sonya teased not able to help herself.
"Okay I'm hanging up now," Nick said but couldn't hide the slight amusement. Something about the thought of introducing Amanda to his mother felt good deep down.
"No Nicky," Sonya complained with that winey tone of hers.
"Bye Son," Nick said and hung up.
He fell back on his couch again, staring dreamingly forward. He still had doubts about what do to. What was the protocol in situations like this, was there even one? But he couldn't get away from the one thing he was sure of - he did miss her.
Amanda pulled another deep sigh as she kept staring at the four squares she'd painted on the wall yesterday. She'd decided to paint her living room. Well maybe. She wasn't sure. She wasn't sure about anything than the fact she hated to be on suspension. She needed something to do these last five days but her inadequacy for making a single decision right now wasn't helping at all. She questioned everything, from what she felt like having for breakfast to what brand of toilet paper brand to buy to… what frickin color to paint her wall in.
Frannie walked up to her after about the sixth deep sigh and she butted her nose in to the back of Amanda's leg.
"Well then just tell me what color you like best then," Amanda snapped looking down on her dog. Her heart melted as she looked in to her dog's eyes.
"I'm sorry Frannie Mae," she whispered rubbing behind the dog's ear, "Mommy is just going mental being cooped up in here, can't imagine you're doing much better aight?"
Amanda had another look at the wall as she rubbed behind her own ear. Something was itching and she rubbed her scalp a little, messing up the already messy bun at the back of her head. Amanda squirmed in her leisure wear and turn away from the patches on her wall. She pulled at her leggings a little and tried to straighten her long sleeved top. She couldn't complain about the fabric, her garments were soft as could be. Just like her sudden indecisiveness though anything she wore could suddenly start to itch uncomfortable. She had to get a grip. She couldn't squirm out of her outfit at work next week, it would only make everyone glare at her even more than she already suspected they would do.
She got abruptly pulled from her thoughts by a soft knock at the door. She looked over, fear grabbing at her chest and she gestured to Frannie who looked like she may bark. Her eyes went to the watch on the TV. It was too early to be Fin. He was doing video games with some friends tonight, he'd said he could cancel but she'd urged him to go. He didn't have to babysit her she'd said but then silently appreciated that he said he would come over, only later than usual.
He could've gotten out earlier? It didn't sound like his knock though. His was much harsher. Could it be Liv? She usually called first though.
She sneaked closer as a second set of knocks were heard. She made sure Frannie stayed put, didn't want her to bark like a couple of weeks ago even though she did like the outcome of that. She held her breath as she looked through the peephole. Nick. Her heart skipped a beat. She hadn't seen him in… forever. And he'd stopped trying to get a hold of her over the phone. She didn't blame him though, she hadn't answered a single call or text from him.
He had his head down at first but then he looked straight forward, Amanda felt almost as though he could see her there. She took a step back. Pulled her hands over her sloppy outfit, went up to her hair next. She must look awful. She was clean though. She knew that. Showering and laundry being a bit of a compulsive ritual right now. But she must look like hell. Her hair felt like it was sticking out everywhere and one of her big toes peeked out through a hole in her sock. She reached down and pulled at her sock so it wouldn't be so evident. He knocked a third time.
She wanted to let him in. She didn't want him there. She felt happy to see him. She felt queasy to see him. She didn't want him to see her like that all dressed down. Was she really allowed to worry about how she looked? Was she allowed to feel excited about him being there? Was she allowed to feel in desperate need of his arms around her? No she didn't want him to touch her. Or maybe she did.
She shook her head close to violently in an attempt to shake the many thoughts out of her head, took a deep breath and opened the door before she changed her mind.
He held his breath as he heard the chain get lifted on the door, he had started to think she wasn't home. Once he got eyes on her he couldn't breathe even if he'd wanted to. Had she always been that beautiful?
He finally managed to exhale and smiled a little awkwardly at her. He realized all the things that he had wanted and planned to tell her had vanished. He felt completely blank.
"Hi," he said a bit awkwardly, "I just… wanted to see how you were doing…"
She looked a little shy, her hand trying to wipe some unruly strands of hairs behind her ear and the other tugging at her sleeve.
"What?" she asked after a while when he kept looking at her expecting an answer of a question she must've missed.
"How are you doing?" he asked again.
"Oh, good, yeah I'm doing okay," she answered a bit too rapidly. She didn't feel okay at all. She took a step in behind her door and at first he took it as a sign he could step inside but just as he moved, and her face looked a little shocked, he realized she'd probably move just to hide herself slightly behind the door. The moment got awkward quickly.
"Can I?" he asked gesturing inwards. She looked inside and then back at him.
"Yeah, of course, yeah," she said a bit hesitantly.
"You sure?" he asked.
Why did he have to ask that? She wasn't sure about anything at this point in her life. She managed to nod.
The hallway was dark but he knew where the switch was and he got the light on. Something Amanda appreciated as the only thing she'd been able to register as they got swept in darkness was her own heavy breathing.
He was carrying two, what looked like, heavy bags and he went in to the kitchen to put them down on the counter. Frannie had followed him and he squatted down to give her a proper hello once his hands were free. With his eyes on Frannie he could spot Amanda's feet coming in view, lingering by the door post with plenty of space between them. He spent a little extra time petting Frannie as he tried to get control of his nerves. Why was he so darn nervous? She didn't want him there. He cursed himself for not showing up sooner. Why had he waited this long? Sonya had been right, he was a coward.
"So I…," he mumbled as he finally rose back up, "brought some food…"
He gestured to the bags on the counter as he managed to finally look at her properly.
"Some?" she asked. Nick didn't understand and looked puzzled.
"Looks like that can feed a small army," she explained. Nick chuckled slightly which released some tension inside.
"Yeah," he breathed with a smile, "Fin said… well that you didn't have an appetite and I might have ordered a little of everything just so you could find something that would sit well with you…"
"Fin said…?" she questioned grabbing on to the door post slightly, again disappearing a little behind it. She didn't like the notion of Fin talking about her with Nick. She thought what she told Fin would stay there. Nick spotted the change of demeanor.
"No he didn't say it to me," Nick hurried to explain. Amanda looked a little confused.
"I eavesdropped," he confessed, shoulders dropping slightly, "he was talking to you yesterday, on the phone. In the break room and I happened to pass. I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself, you know how I am…"
He liked that he could still make her smile.
"He was giving you heat for not eating properly," he said and Amanda remembered the call yesterday, "so that's how I know, or why I..." he again gestured towards the bags, "He would never sell you out. Never."
Amanda took a deep breathe. It felt good to know Fin hadn't said anything, and the fact Nick had eavesdropped probably just meant he cared. He was here after all. With food. Loads of it.
"So… would it be okay if I stayed? Helped you eat some of it?" he asked suddenly feeling a little more confident. He tried to not read too much in to the slight hesitation and just tried to focus on the fact she finally nodded.
"Let me have your coat," she said taking a step inside the kitchen. He held her eyes as he got his coat off and all while meeting her half way to hand it over to her.
"Thanks," he smiled.
None of them were sure if it was for taking his jacket or for letting him stay. Either way it wasn't as important as the fact they both felt warm inside seeing each other smile. Amanda found herself smelling his coat as she walked back to the hallway. When she hung his coat though doubt set in. She remembered doing this, hanging his coat, before and it was always before they engaged in… adult relations. She felt something stir down deep in her core and it scared her to feel that familiar excitement. What if he expected sex? What if that was the reason for him being there? What if she couldn't… deliver? But why shouldn't she be able to, it was years ago. What had happened between her and Patton was years ago and it wasn't like she hadn't had sex after all that. Nate's words from the trial suddenly echoed inside her head. I had to pursue her. She wasn't easy, not at all. I almost gave up, started to think it wasn't worth the time or effort.
She remembered that time. The inside struggles, the getting used to a man touching her again. Not panicking while he breathed heavily by her ear, feeling his bulge against her thigh and Nate's stupid inclination to pin her arms down above her head. There was nothing sexy about pinning someone down, how can anyone think that?
Being pinned between Nick's body and a wall was a different matter though. Amanda felt something pulsating down in her core but the sensation didn't bring anything but discomfort to her. No she didn't want to sleep with Nick. She couldn't sleep with him. If that's why he was there he would be gravely disappointed in her. She wasn't sure she could handle that right now. She didn't want to disappoint him, she'd done enough of that already. But she couldn't sleep with him. She just couldn't.
Nick had started to wonder where Amanda had gone to when he suddenly spotted her in the corner of his eye, moving hastily past the door post towards the living room.
"Amanda?" he called out, putting down whatever he had in his hands and hurried after her. He only got around the corner before spotting her. She seemed to have stopped mid-step, slowly placing her feet by one another as he got her in sight.
"Everything okay?" he asked her back.
A few heartbeats passed but then he caught her nodding, the sloppy bun at the back of her head bouncing slightly. Her shoulders were up by her ears though and he couldn't see where here hands were at, he could usually read a lot in to whatever she was doing with her hands.
Were her hands still she was calm, no brewing emotions under the surface. If she was tapping them slightly it usually meant eagerness or something she was dying to put in to words as soon as she got a chance to jump in to the conversation. If she was picking or scratching she was nervous or tense, at times it could just be something she did while deep in thought though. If she rubbed something, mostly a part of her own body, or started playing with her hair it meant insecurity or major doubt.
He wasn't sure when he'd picked up all of this about her hands but he had and it only dawned on him now. He did know her a little better than he thought he did. How he'd missed such a vicious sexual assault was still an enigma to him though.
He also knew she hated nagging so he tried to refrain from asking her again even though she obviously wasn't okay. He couldn't approach her either. He feared rejection. He knew that was something he would have to work on. He'd read enough, attended enough seminars, to know rejection was a part of the recovery process for rape victims. God she was a rape victim. Half his body immediately drowned by sadness as rage roamed in the other half. Why did that have to happen to her?
He swallowed hard, tried to calm his emotions. Breathe. The steps in the anger management course popped up in his mind. Think before you speak. He was doing that now. Go to the happy place inside. He'd just grunted at that during the course but now he realized he was at one of his happy places. Her apartment had always managed to make him happy and it was not all about what had taken place there but also just being in her company.
Another step was asking for support from someone you trusted. He trusted her. He really trusted her and he wanted her to trust him. Looking at her back, the long sleeved shirt he'd seen on her before, the tights she was wearing. He'd never seen her walk around in those before, she was mostly a jeans clad girl. He liked this though, he liked the easiness of the garment and how he could see the shape of her. The colorful socks on her feet were adorable.
Her body language was still tense though and he hated seeing her like this. Some anger is justified. That's what the instructor had told them. Some anger may need to come out. The anger he felt towards Patton was certainly both justified and needed to come out. He'd pictured his ugly mug on the punching bag down at the station's gym many times during these past couple of weeks. He'd pictured his face while target practicing and on the pins while bowling with Carisi one night. It had helped a little but not as much as getting the chance to punch that real ugly mug.
Nick knew these thoughts didn't help him and it wouldn't help him reach Amanda right now. His eyes had wandered a little around the room and they landed on four painted squares in the middle of one of the walls.
"What's going on there?" he asked taking a few steps closer to the squares. He gestured towards them as he caught Amanda glancing over.
Her hands were clutched together against her chest, fingers picking a little on the other hand. Her face looked more vacant than anything. He felt a little relieved there were no tears. He would, could, deal with tears but right now he was a little relieved there were none. He'd only seen her cry once, as he'd played that recording from the conversation he had with her sister, and it had been devastating to see her that upset.
"Oh I just thought about maybe… painting the room…" she said a little quietly.
"Okay," he said and then planted himself in front of the squares, folding his arms over his chest as to really study them. He felt her presence before he could see her gliding up beside him.
"Whattcha think?" she asked.
"I like that… light green… blueish…" he decided to point instead as he had no idea how to describe the one he meant, they were all in different green shades.
"That one's called almost aqua," she said, a small smile playing in the corner of her mouth. He nodded, knowing what silly names the stores could come up with.
"That's sage tint," she said pointing to another square, "That's key lime and then pistachio ice cream."
"Well now you made it hard, I've always had a preference for pistachio," he said smiling. A smile that grew even wider as he listen to her short giggle.
"So you're painting the room…" he said once they went back to just watching the squares. She shrugged.
"Maybe," she said cryptically. He smiled again. It was a little like her to paint squares on the wall even before she'd decided whether or not to paint the whole room. A little hasty perhaps, a little rash, but very much in character and it was the most he'd seen her in character this side of the year so it pleased him.
"Well if you want my opinion I think almost aqua would really brighten up this room," he said glancing at her. He watched her eyes go around the rest of the room a little.
"Yeah it needs a bit of brighten up, and I like almost aqua too," she mumbled.
"I would love to help out if you do decide to paint the entire room," he offered. She glanced his way, a slight nod followed.
"Thanks," she said under her breath.
"No problem," he said holding her eyes for a few seconds before she seemed to feel forced to look away. Her hand came up to her mouth and she bit down on the side of one of her nails.
"You want to go deal with that pile of food I bought…" he suggested to prevent the moment from getting awkward again.
"Sure," she nodded and then took lead back in to the kitchen.
He'd put out all the boxes with take away he'd bought, lined them up slightly so she could get a view of what was scribbled on them by the cashier.
"So what's your belly in the mood for tonight?" he asked. She pulled a deep sigh looking at the boxes. All these decisions.
"I dunno, just pick one for me," she said and turned to get them plates and some real utensils. He shot a few worried looks after her, a bit worried she wouldn't eat and that maybe his presence only made it worse for her. He knew he had to get out of his head though and wised up quickly.
"Well then I'm going with what I've seen you pick most often when we eat Thai at lunch," he said and put his hand on the box with beef. He opened it up, took a whiff of the delightful smell, and contemplated steeling a little of hers but then spotted the same seasoning but with chicken and opened that one up as well.
"He didn't have any of that fish sauce you like…" he said once she came back carrying the plates.
"I think I still have like half the bottle left of that one you bought me a couple of months back," she said sounding a little delighted, "It can't have gone bad yet right?"
"No it shouldn't have…" he said but got interrupted as he accidently brushed up against her hand as he took one of the plates of her.
"Sorry," he said feeling her tense up when he lingered with his hand over hers, his fingers not able to stay still but caressed her hand gently.
"Don't… I… it's okay," she said a bit flustered putting her hands down on the counter and pushing herself up a little in a bit of childish and completely adoring way. She lined her hair up behind her ear once she came back down on her feet again and caught him still looking at her.
"Sorry," he whispered again finding her blushing cheeks absolutely endearing and also the way she shook her head with a shy smile playing over her face. He was pretty sure his touch had evoked something in her. Nothing bad though, what was displayed on her face and her whole demeanor told him she'd liked it and it brought him hope. Hope that Patton hadn't destroyed whatever it was they had between them, and that was a really good feeling.
"So does painting mean you're getting a little stir crazy cooped up here?" he asked to get away from the tension.
"A little I guess," she admitted.
"I find Dodds implementing the suspension on you absolutely despicable," he said with a lot of emotions but making sure rage wasn't one of them.
"Don't worry about him, or that. It's cool. Liv fixed it to suspension with pay so it's really not much different than a paid vacation. Well without the travelling I guess…"
"You didn't think about travelling? Getting a way for a while?" he asked while putting some of her food on the plate. He knew her mom had ditched her early after the trial but he didn't want to bring that up right now knowing it would probably not be a pleasant subject.
"I think I've done enough of that… running away," she said squirming a little with the confession of sort, "Thought maybe it was about time to stay put and just… deal."
"That sounds… good. Smart," he said. He'd stopped what he was doing and looked at her properly.
"Maybe the only smart thing I've done in a long while," she said thinking about how she'd treated him lately and in the bar last year.
She didn't feel comfortable bringing that up right now though, she wasn't sure she could keep her emotions in check when she served him the apologize she knew she owed him. Her face broke out in a smile and she shrug slightly when he just kept looking at her and it made him come out from his small trance.
"And Fin has kept me company, spent most nights on my couch," she said, "Liv's been by, and Cragen stopped by did you hear?"
"Yeah I did, home from another cruise right," Nick smiled, "Nice to see him I bet?"
"Yeah it was, really nice," Amanda said getting a little lost in thought.
She'd been nervous at first when he'd called and asked if he could come over. Not sure what to expect or what he wanted but it had just been really nice. He'd brought some wine Eileen had recommended and a big bouquet of flowers that was still in the living room spreading the most incredible smell. He'd just mentioned Patton briefly and expressed how very sorry he was for what had gone down in Atlanta and that he hadn't heard about the trial until they were half way through their royal Caribbean cruise. What Amanda didn't know was that Cragen had given Liv some heat for not informing him immediately, he really regretted not being there for his former detective during what must've been an ordeal of a trial. Amanda was just really happy he'd stopped by when he did and she was looking forward to catching lunch with him and Eileen later this week.
Amanda got pulled from her thoughts by her phone buzzing over at the other counter. She realized Nick had been watching her this entire time and she felt herself blushing for like about the fourth time since he got there. She really needed to get this blushing under control. She gave him a smile as she shuffled over the kitchen to check the text. It was from Fin.
"Thinking of heading out in half an hour. What food you want me to pick up?" The text read.
"You can stay. Nick came over. With food." She texted back and didn't have to wait long until a reply came back.
"Ok. 'Stay' like in stay put another hour or so or as in stay away for the night?"
She wasn't sure how to answer that and she glanced over her shoulder at Nick who was filling another plate with food. He looked really sharp even in his less proper outfit. He had a way to make anything look good, or maybe it was just him looking handsome in whatever.
"Maybe" she texted back not sure about the feelings fighting for dominance inside. Again it didn't take that long before her phone buzzed again.
"Boo you're sending mixed messages to a moron. I'm going to stay here, it's less than a ten minute drive to your place. I can be there in that exact time if you text me. If I don't hear from you I'll stay away. But pls DO text if you want me to get rid of the choirboy."
The text made her giggle a little.
"What's going on?" Nick felt forced to ask wanting to know what was so amusing.
"Oh it's just Fin," she said. Nick felt a sliver of jealousy tug at his insides but he tried to push it down.
"Is he coming over?" he asked a bit curiously.
She didn't answer at first. She'd texted 'thank u' back and put her phone down.
"No," she said coming back over to him, "I told him to stay away."
Nick gave her a cheeky look.
"What?" she asked though, not sure what he was grinning about.
"Nothing," he said trying to shake it off. He didn't feel like explaining why he felt as though he'd just beat out the most popular boy in the school for the most beautiful girl.
"Rice or noodles?" he asked instead. Amanda pulled another deep sigh.
"You chose," she said, leaving him again to make the decision for her. He gave her a bit of an awkward look but didn't think much more of it and instead just grabbed the rice at it went better with the fish sauce both of them liked.
"Look," he said feeling like he did have something to explain though, "I'm sorry I haven't been over sooner…"
She looked at him, seemed to get on edge immediately, like she expected something grave to come out of this.
"I was thinking I was giving you space, that you needed time…"
"Don't worry about it," she said playing with a strand of her hair that had fallen out again from behind her ear.
"No, Amanda, I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner."
"You called, I mean I saw I had missed calls," she said under her breath feeling a little guilty for not picking up those time she had in fact been by the phone as he called.
"Yeah but I stopped too soon, I should've kept at it until I reached you. And I should've come over," he said seriously holding her eyes steady. She gave him a little nod, too afraid that anything she said would give away just how nervous she felt. She'd wanted him to come over too. She'd missed him, feared he found her disgusting and regretted ever getting with her in the first place.
"I should've come over," he repeated, "I told myself it was to not pressure you but I felt… jealous quite honestly, knowing that Fin and Liv was over here and… I wasn't. I feared though that my presence, with what we shared in the past and what I hope… we can maybe find our way back to, would somehow complicate things for you."
I hope we can find our way back to? Had he really said that? Amanda's heart skipped a beat and she felt a little lightheaded.
"But my sister made me realize that I have a tendency to overcomplicate matters," he smiled, feeling a little self-conscious, "and that I was a coward for making assumptions, not asking you directly how you felt. She told me to get straight over to you and to…"
"You talked to your sister about me?" Amanda asked. He wasn't really sure if she got angry over the fact or if it was just her being curious.
"No, I mean yes but not like that," he said but stopped to take a deep breath. Think before you talk.
"What I meant to say yes I talked to my sister, she's trying to convince me to attend my father's wedding…"
"Your dad is getting married?" Amanda said with about the same tone and Nick started to figure out it was just curiosity after all. He nodded.
"Yes, later this month. To a child bride, no not really child but young, younger than my sister even," Nick said with several sighs tucked in and Amanda could tell how gutted he felt about this.
"But let's save that for another time, what I wanted to tell you was she called about that and when I kept insisting I would not attend she tried in every way to persuade me and one of them was to say that I should come and bring a date so she could meet this mysterious girlfriend of mine."
Girlfriend was what jumped out most out of that sentence but Amanda managed to keep a straight face.
"That being you," Nick added in case it hadn't been clear enough. He couldn't really read Amanda's face right now.
"So you have talked to her about me…" Amanda said, sounding a little out of breath. Nick had butterflies in his entire gut just flapping away madly as he looked her deep in the eye and all he felt like doing was kiss her. He hadn't talked about her but he'd been thinking about her, constantly for the past few weeks.
"No," he said much calmer than he felt, "My mom had told her about you."
"So you talked to you mother about me…" Amanda looked a little shocked now.
"No but since she found your… in my sheets…"
"Oh don't remind me," Amanda whispered embarrassed and shied away from his intense eyes.
She cringed just by the thought of his mother finding a those laced panties in her son's bed. Not that finding another pair of her regular panties would've been any better but those ones, and a couple of other one, she'd bought as a matching set just to look… perhaps a little sexy to him and it only added to the discomfort she felt.
"Don't…." he whispered carefully putting his hand on the back of her shoulder. It was only the second time they'd touched since he got there and even though he didn't even touch skin this time it gave him great pleasure just feeling her warmth against the palm of his hand.
"…feel embarrassed," he finished the sentence as she looked back over at him.
"Kinda hard not to," she whispered trying to smile.
He moved his hand up to the top of her shoulder and squeezed it gently. She leaned down towards his hand just briefly and as her cheek brushed by the back of his hand all those butterflies started flapping again like crazy. He removed his hand, letting it go down her arm a little before he pulled it back all together as he didn't want to make her uncomfortable.
"After that she's kept looking for clues and I've told you my mom is sneaky. She has this way of getting me to give up tidbits that somehow paints a clearer picture for her. So she knows… She knows that someone has… captured my heart," he kept watching her intensely as he watched his words. She broke their gaze though and he watched her swallowing hard. He knew there was no going back and he had to put this out now, hoping it wouldn't distress her.
"I like you a lot Amanda…"
"The way I treated you at the bar," she said without being able to look at him.
"Don't…" he tried but she interrupted him.
"No, that was horrible. I should've never put my hands on you like that. That was just so wrong," she breathed fighting to not start crying.
"You were hurting Amanda," he said wanting to help her out, "I didn't see it back then. I thought things were okay with you, with us. But the some of us don't want to be victims. You were talking about yourself right?"
Amanda frowned a little, gnawing at the inside of her cheek to keep the tears in.
"I think I was, I mean I didn't plan to but it just… hit a little close to home…" she said glancing at him slightly and he nodded so she would know he understood.
"That's still how I feel though," she whispered. He couldn't nod now since he wasn't grasping what she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked instead.
"I don't want to be a victim," she said feeling her lower lip shiver, "I mean I know I am probably just that but I just can't… or maybe I just don't want to get it through my thick skull."
She tried a smile but didn't really succeed.
"I guess I might have to get there, to you know really deal with… everything and to maybe… get out… on the other side?"
This time he could honestly nod. He did get it and he did believe she would probably have to get to that point where she could tell herself she was a victim. Was. Present tense. Because he certainly didn't see a victim when he looked at her. He saw a survivor. And a bloody fine survivor.
"If you'd let me I would really like to help you on that journey," he said hoping he wouldn't sound too cliché to her, "And as a friend foremost but with time, it's okay for it to take time Amanda, maybe find our way back to what we have and to evolve that to more than it was… I don't want to put pressure on you though. I mean I understand it will take time and we have some issues to work on for this to work. I have my share deal to work on as well. And I will probably not always succeed, I know you like to see me as this perfect knight in shining armor…"
He smiled at the tugs in the corners of her mouth.
"But I really am not perfect…"
"Pretty darn close though," she mumbled and it kept the smile on his face to hear her say that.
He had to even look down a little, now feeling his own cheeks blush. It made Amanda feel a little better to see he was able to lose face too. She felt her heart pump down in her gut. Those wrinkles by his eye as he smiled, the shape of his ear that she'd run her tongue over plenty of times. She missed the taste of him. She missed the sense of his body right by her own. It felt familiar yet foreign and she feared the mistakes she was predestined to do would somehow make him hate her in the end.
"Hey," he whispered as he noticed her bowing her head down with a solemn look over her previously cheeky face. He waited until she looked back up at him again. He let his eyes sweep over every spot on her beautiful face, he wanted to take it all in. He'd missed looking at her so much.
"I won't push you," he said seriously once he'd taken all of her in, "You will let me know when you're ready for me to… make advances. If it takes a year…"
"You can't wait a year," she whispered.
"Try me," he answered quickly and honestly. She really couldn't find a single shred of doubt on his face.
"I'll be here…"
"What if I get stupid again?" she asked nervously.
"I can handle a little stupid…" he said with a soft smile, "It's easier when you know when it's coming from."
"I don't want to hurt you though," she said biting down on her lip.
"Then… just try not to. And I'll try not to hurt you either. We're bound to fail at some point but we'll work it out okay?"
She nodded barely visible as they kept holding each other's eyes. They were both leaning against the counter, heads turned to each other, hers a little lower level especially since he was still in his shoes.
He noticed small things, like her lips parting slightly, her jaw moving, her eyes going from his eyes down to his mouth and up again. He tried to stay completely still as though he would scare an exotic animal to flight if he moved just an inch. He could tell she got closer, how she probably got up on her toes to come up a little higher. He could see how ambivalent she was though, as different camps were fighting it out inside her, that a devil and an angel sitting on each shoulder kept giving her conflicting instructions.
He wasn't sure how to help her out. All he knew was that he'd just told her he wouldn't make advances until she gave him the go-ahead and he would fail not only her but himself if he made a move now even though his insides screamed for the chance to touch her, to taste her. He held his breath as she got even closer, eyes starting to go cross-eyed with the proximity. They both kept their eyes open as her lips brushed up against his just briefly, disappeared only to come in just slightly closer. He pursed his lips just a little as she did the same but just as it felt as though she was going to taste his upper lip she pulled away with a tiny gasp and she bowed her head down, leaving her forehead right by his mouth. He puckered up his lips, gave her forehead a quick peck and then he pulled away to give her the solace she seemed unable to give herself.
"You don't have to push it on my account," he said rearranging some boxes on the counter. They would probably have to reheat their food now he had time to think before she spoke again.
"It's all a jumble in there," she whispered. He looked at her again. She'd gotten down on her entire feet again and was a level below his.
"My brain. Clutter fuck, a fucking horror show," she said when she was finally able to look at him without feeling like the humiliation would destroy her.
"I'm afraid I'll screw it up, screw us up," she confessed as tears threaten to escape.
"Just do your best okay," he said, "That's all I can ask for. All I am asking for. I'm determined for us to work this out. Trust me?"
She looked at him for a while before she nodded a little. He could tell how anxious she felt, how sincere her worry really was. But God she was beautiful.
"I don't want to fight with you, I want to fight for you," he said holding her eyes intensely.
They held each other's eyes for what felt like a small eternity. He just thinking about how beautiful she was even with everything she'd been through. She feeling a sensation in her gut that made her both feel amazing and scared to death. She felt loved.
He could tell when the tension got to her. She didn't break their gaze but she started stirring slightly, rubbing her feet together, fingers started moving against the kitchen counter and there were small twitches on her face. The corners of her mouth tugged slightly upwards and her nostrils expanded faintly as he'd seen them do at times when she was about to start laughing. Laughing being one of her responses to awkward situations.
"That was a good line you have to give me that," he smiled, giving her a wink. She tried to swallow the chuckle that came up her throat but didn't quite succeed.
"You want me to feed you another one?" he teased.
"Sleaze," she said under her breath as she broke their gaze to try and keep some composure.
She tucked a few strands of lose hair behind her ear as she tried to keep herself from not glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. She was failing. She couldn't keep her eyes off him. She didn't want to keep her eyes off him.
"I got plenty more to use on you," he said.
She tried shaking her head at him but she couldn't keep from grinning like a fool.
"Oh you love 'em," he kept teasing. He couldn't resist that cute smile of hers but he could also tell she was blushing. He didn't want to take it too far so he shut it down. He knew it would have to take time for them to find their way back to each other. And it would.
It would take many closed bathroom doors between them, her crying on the inside as he tried to talk her out of there with the reassurance she had nothing to feel embarrassed about. There would be plenty of harsh words, most from her as he was starting to get his anger under control, but he would be able to see through them now. See the fear and hurt underneath the prickly surface. See the pain that the anger and the frustration originated from. It would take him a lot of coaxing, reassuring, and doubts on when to push and when to instead pull away. But with time, and really getting to know each other, they would get through it and once there he wouldn't regret a single struggle. Cause what he got in the end was the most trusting, beautiful and secure relationship he'd ever been in. And with a woman that was just as beautiful as she was strong and courageous.
He saw all that when he looked at her right now as well but it would take time for him to open up her eyes to all of that. He fought an urge to touch her.
"Get that fish sauce, I'll put these in the microwave for a bit," he said bumping his shoulder up against hers, lingering to rub up against it as it was the only way he dared to come close to her right now. He liked that she didn't pull away but instead seemed to push back against him before she turned to do as told. The look she threw him over her shoulder made his stomach flip. The smile she shot him as she caught him looking made him warm all over. Yeah they would get through this. He would make sure of that.
The end.