In the wake of the recent Sony hack, an idea popped into my mind of how the meetings between Marvel Studios and Sony would go related to Spider-Man in the MCU. And then more ideas popped into my head, it got sillier and sillier, and now here we are. So, hopefully you enjoy it, because there are a lot of jokes about real life and fictional universes. Also, it's mostly topical, so enjoy it while it's relevant!

Nick Fury paced down one of the many long hallways of the Helicarrier, currently flying thousands of feet over the Pacific Ocean, cloaked from view. He was annoyed, and the general air of that that he was exuding was picked up by other SHIELD agents, who moved out of his way. He arrived on the control deck, standing in the middle of the circular area for the piloting team's consoles. He pretended not to notice Officer Jenkins once again playing Galaga, instead looking out at the clouds steadily rolling by.

"Sir?" Agent Maria Hill asked, walking up behind him. "What is it?"

"The meeting that's currently going on in Boardroom Six." Fury hissed, his annoyance palpable.

"What about it?" Hill asked, not knowing what meeting that was.

"That debate, that will hopefully be resolved today, has been going on for far too long." Fury explained. "And I'm just preparing for the inevitable failure of negotiations. And then the complaining will begin again."

"The complaining from who, sir?" Hill asked.

"The fanboys." Fury hissed, narrowing his eye.

Before Hill could ask anything more, a man pulling a t-shirt down past his enormous hair, and then over skin-tight red and blue spandex, ran across the back of the room, speeding towards the boardroom that Fury had been talking about.

Hill turned, watching him run by, and then turned back to Fury. "Sir, was that-"

"Yes."

"But that's not possible-"

"By the end of the meeting, it just might be." Fury muttered. "It just might be..."

An automatic door hissed open, and Peter Parker ran into Boardroom Six. On one side of the long table inside were the Avengers; Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Steve Rogers, Thor, Natasha Romanoff, and Clint Barton, all chatting with each other. On either side of them sat Joss Whedon and Kevin Feige, representatives for Marvel Studios. On the other side of the table, Amy Pascal and Marc Webb, representatives for Sony, sat on either side of an empty seat, reserved for Peter.

"I'm sorry I'm late, I'm sorry." Peter said, hurrying to his seat. "It's kind of my thing."

"It's fine." Marc Webb said, patting him on the shoulder.

"Webb, be quiet." Amy Pascal. "You're only here because you directed the movies. Don't forget that."

"I think you could argue that Sony directed the movies." Webb muttered.

"Do you still want the job?" Pascal asked. "You were only hired because of your name, and we can find another tool to direct our movies. Drew Goddard's already starting down that path."

"You stay away from Drew Goddard." Joss Whedon said, pointing at her. "He deserves better than your half-put-together universe."

"The potential for our Spider-Man universe's success is overwhelming-" Pascal started.

"So is the potential for failure." Whedon replied.

"Are you forgetting the potential for failure that Guardians of the Galaxy had?" Pascal asked, smug.

"There was a key difference with Guardians." Whedon answered.

"And what might that be?" Pascal asked, less smug now.

"Marvel made it." Whedon smirked. "If Sony did, it would have been a tragedy."

"You want to talk tragedy?" Peter piped up. "I want to come over to Marvel, I'm running out of family members."

"We've all lost people, kid." Tony said drily. "It's kind of a superhero thing."

"I lost three father figures in one movie!" Peter shot back. "Then my girlfriend in the next movie, partly because of me!"

"Jesus, they really don't pull punches over at Sony." Tony said, turning to Kevin Feige. "Maybe if we went over there, someone would die and stay dead for a change."

"Unless they come back to haunt the main character." Natasha muttered. "As a very subtle ghost."

"I thought it was a good touch." Webb muttered.

"Everyone, please, settle down." Feige said. "Now that Mr. Parker is here, we can begin. We're all here today to discuss the details of possibly including Spider-Man in the Marvel Cinematic Universe for Captain America: Civil War."

"What is that?" Tony quietly asked Steve, who just shrugged.

"Given that Spider-Man is such an essential character to the Civil War storyline in the comics, it would only make sense to include him in the film." Feige went on.

"Agreed." Pascal nodded.

"Our proposal is this." Feige finished. "You give us Spider-Man for Civil War. After that, you get him back, and we co-finance your Sinister Six film, as well as a new Spider-Man spin-off."

"That sounds very reasonable." Pascal replied. "But what do you really want?"

"We want Andrew Garfield gone." Feige answered.

"What?" Peter exclaimed.

"You want another re-boot?" Pascal asked. "Are you sure that's what fans want to see right now?"

"What we want is a fresh start, to wipe the slate clean." Feige corrected. "And after Amazing Spider-Man 2, I'd say that fans want something different, anything different, especially if it comes from us."

"Wait, you can't do this-" Peter started, clutching at his chest.

"But Andrew is a very talented actor." Pascal tried to protest. "We think he'd be a great asset to continue to use."

"I won't argue with you that he's a good actor." Feige replied. "But he's not what we want in our universe."

"Please, don't say-" Peter groaned, gripping at Pascal's sleeve.

"Um, is he okay?" Steve asked, looking around the table, concerned.

Pascal thought for a moment. "Fine, Garfield's out." She answered.

"Please, no-" Peter managed to say, before beginning to scream in pain. Everyone at the table jumped up, and saw what was happening to the web-slinger. He continued to scream while clawing at his chest and face, and the onlookers watched as his facial features and enormous hair seemed to be sucked back into his head. As this happened, his cries became muffled, and his clothes disappeared, leaving only the Spider-Man costume on his body. The face of Andrew Garfield had become a blank slate. And from the now bald, completely blank face grew the Spider-Man mask, appearing and expanding from underneath the skin like a tattoo. When it was in place, the figure went silent, slumping back in its chair and not moving.

Tony looked around the room. "Is nobody else going to point out how horrifying that was?"

"Oh, that? That happens every time a comic book character is re-cast, nothing to worry about." Pascal explained. "He'll be like this until we find a new actor, isn't that right, Spidey?" She asked the blank slate, patting its shoulder. Spider-Man's head just plopped forward.

When he thought nobody was looking, Bruce touched his cheek and shuddered.

"Anyway, back to it." Pascal said, taking her seat. Everyone else followed suit, slightly more uneasily.

"How can she be so calm before such a terrible image?" Thor quietly asked Steve.

"Didn't you see Spider-Man 3?" Steve asked back.

"Anyway, onto box office returns." Feige said, back to business. "We were thinking of splitting the returns sixty percent and forty percent."

"For Sony?" Pascal asked hopefully.

"For Marvel." Feige corrected. "We're making the movie, we get the bigger cut."

"And when we make the Spider-Man movies?" Pascal asked.

"Reverse the statistic, of course." Feige answered. "That's only fair."

"And we want some Avengers characters in those movies." Pascal added.

"What?" Feige asked. They hadn't mentioned this before.

All at once, the Avengers looked at each other, all hoping that they wouldn't be chosen. They all knew what happened to comic book franchises at Sony.

"Look, if you want Spider-Man in the Avengers, then we want the Avengers in Spider-Man." Pascal said. "Or one of them, at least."

Feige and Joss Whedon leaned in close to each other, whispering rapidly. After a few seconds, they leaned back, saying at the same time, "Hawkeye."

"WHAT?!" Clint yelled, while Natasha let out a sigh of relief. "Why do I have to go hang out with Captain Three-Villains?"

"Look, Hawkeye, don't take this personally." Feige said. "But nobody likes you."

"That's ridiculous!" Clint replied, offended. "I have lots of fans."

"Weeeeeeeell..." Everyone in the room said at the same time.

"Come on, guys." Clint pleaded. "Haven't you seen all of the fanfictions with me and Natasha? The adventures we've had?"

"I'd actually prefer it if we didn't address those." Natasha said, looking down.

"What's wrong with the thousands of Budapest stories?" Clint asked her.

"Oh, Budapest?" Natasha said, surprised. "I thought you meant all of the...yes, Budapest! Of course! Adventure!"

"Joss, man, please. You can't let them do this." Clint turned to the director. "You made me relevant, and you know that Sony can't do that."

"I'm sorry Clint, but it's not my call." Whedon replied. "And I think everyone can agree that people want Spider-Man in Civil War more than they want you in...well, anything, I guess."

"What is Civil War?" Steve asked Tony. "They keep talking about it."

Tony just shrugged.

"This is bull. Complete bull." Clint snarled, standing up and walking angrily to the door. He turned back, pointing a finger around the room. "And now you all have arrows with your names on them." He whirled around again, storming out, the automatic door closing behind him.

"Was that supposed to be threatening?" Thor asked, looking around the table for an answer.

"I'm sorry, he's a little sensitive." Whedon apologized. "I do what I can to include him, but..." He trailed off.

"Nobody wants to deal with Hawkeye, we know." Pascal said. "I think everyone can understand that."

Everyone in the room nodded.

"At least I could actually carry a movie on my own." Bruce muttered.

"I'm sorry, Bruce, what did you say?" Whedon asked.

"Look, all I want is a movie for myself." Bruce answered. "I think at this point, I deserve it. And people want to see Planet Hulk, so I don't see why we don't just-"

"Bruce, can we talk about this later, please?" Feige hissed.

Bruce clenched his fist, his eyes flooding green. He let out a low growl, which came out louder than anyone expected. Whedon and Feige looked at each other nervously.

"Bruce, buddy, go take a walk." Tony said quietly to his friend. "Go get a drink of water, calm down."

Bruce sucked in a deep breath, getting up and leaving the room quickly, SHIELD agents in the hallways moving out of his way. Everyone inside was visibly relaxed when the door closed.

"Sorry, he's been like that ever since the Phase 3 announcement." Feige explained to the others, who still seemed slightly afraid. "Now, if there's anything else that Sony would like?"

"We want Spider-Man included in all of the Lego sets." Pascal said. "And all of the action figure group packs. I think thirty-five percent of the revenue from those is fair."

"Agreed." Feige said. "If there's anything that we know sells, it's Spider-Man merchandise."

"And all we're asking for is the sales boost that will undoubtedly come with his inclusion." Pascal said.

The door to the room slid open, and Nick Fury entered, still looking irritated. "Mr. Feige, there's a "Simon Kinberg" on conference call for you. He says that he's offering some "mutants"." He told his boss.

"Oh my God." Feige said. "Thank you, Nick. Thank you so much."

Fury turned and left the room, the door sliding shut behind him.

"This is great." Feige said. "This is great." He pulled out a small remote from underneath the table and pointed it at a small television screen mounted on the wall. When the screen clicked on, Simon Kinberg, the representative for Fox, was smiling.

"Good morning, everyone." Kinberg greeted them. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but when we heard about this meeting, we here at Fox decided that we should see if we could get in on it."

"And what made you decide that, Mr. Kinberg?" Feige asked. "The X-Men franchise has been doing very well lately."

"Well, the more we look at the new Fantastic Four, the more it looks like a complete train wreck." Kinberg admitted. "So, we figured we'd cut our losses and see if we can arrange something with Marvel."

"It does look pretty stupid." Whedon nodded.

"Well, Mr. Kinberg, what are you willing to offer?" Feige asked

"Wolverine has expressed a lot of interest." Kinberg answered. "The other X-Men have...conflicting opinions, because most of them exist in multiple timelines. They can be a little inconsistent."

"Just like your continuity." Pascal muttered.

"Oh yeah, because Sony's never made any bad choices." Kinberg shot back. "But if you do, I'm sure you'll re-boot it."

"And what do you call Days of Future Past?" Pascal asked sarcastically, standing up angrily.

"A re-boot that everyone likes!" Kinberg answered angrily.

The door opened, and Bruce walked back in. "Okay, I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm-" He stopped mid-sentence, taking in the scene around him. "What's going on?"

"Nothing." Feige said. "Everyone was just calming down. Being very calm."

Pascal took her seat again, straightening her suit jacket. Bruce shrugged, walking across the room and sitting back down in his seat.

"As I was saying." Kinberg continued. "We're thinking fifteen percent gross revenue for each movie he appears in, as well as twenty-five percent merchandising rights."

"Twenty-five?" Feige asked. "That's a little steep for one character, isn't it?"

"One character that we've made over seven hundred million dollars from, from two solo movies alone." Kinberg said, smiling. "I don't think anyone here can disagree that Wolverine is the most well-known, if not popular, X-Man."

"Maybe you could give us Quicksilver, too." Whedon said. "Oh, wait."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Kinberg asked, narrowing his eyes.

"I'm just saying, we'd already put Quicksilver in Age of Ultron, and then you just...crammed him into Days of Future Past..." Whedon trailed off, shrugging. "Genius, really."

"What are they talking about?" Tony asked Bruce quietly. Bruce shrugged, also not knowing.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Kinberg said sarcastically, pulling out his phone. "Let me just check every review of that film, oh look, they all say "Quicksilver was the best part of the entire movie", now, how strange is that?" He put the phone away, smirking.

"So strange, that he had to leave the movie for no reason, because he would be able to solve every problem in five seconds." Whedon fired back. "Exactly that strange."

"Gentlemen, please." Feige said, trying to bring focus back to business. "Can we stay on track?"

"Please." Pascal muttered, sounding annoyed.

"Oh, yeah, because you at Sony know all about focus." Kinberg turned to her. "Did you become masters of that when you guys were writing sub-plot number 300 or number 400 of Amazing Spider-Man 2?"

"The studio executives didn't write it!" Pascal replied defensively.

"Sure you didn't." Kinberg said.

"I did the best with what I was given." Webb muttered.

"Look, Mr. Feige, we're willing to give you Wolverine here." Kinberg reasoned. "That popular of a character isn't meaningless."

"We know how significant he is." Feige replied. "But mutants wouldn't really fit into the Marvel Cinematic Universe."

"Oh yeah, that's another one of our conditions." Kinberg added. "Nobody can use the word "mutant"."

"What?" Feige asked incredulously. "Why not?"

"That's our word." Kinberg answered.

"Your word?" Feige asked in disbelief. "What do you mean, it's your word?"

"We own the word "mutant". You can't use it in your movies." Kinberg said, as if he was talking to a toddler.

"Than what word are we supposed to use?" Feige asked.

"Just use "miracles". Kinberg suggested. "You remember the post-credits scene from Winter Soldier?" "Age of miracles", and all that?"

Everyone was staring at the screen with a confused look. Feige and Whedon were shaking their heads, running their hands along their throats warningly.

"Loki's staff?" Kinberg went on. "Baron von Strucker?" He gestured around the table questioningly. "Anybody?" Cap?" He asked the super-soldier.

Steve shrugged. "I really have no idea what you're talking about, Mr. Kinberg."

"Mr. Kinberg, please don't reference the events of the films to characters that weren't there, or events that haven't happened yet." Feige said. "It's very confusing for them, and it can be...dangerous."

"The world we live in is confusing!" Pascal piped up. "How can these heroes exist in a world where we're executives of studios that produce movies about them? Are they fictional characters or not?"

Suddenly, the Helicarrier started to shake. The office chairs rolled around the room, causing Spider-Man's limp body to fall out of the chair. The screen on the wall turned to static, breaking the connection with Fox before it could ever really be made.

"Amy!" Feige yelled. "Don't question reality! Don't you know that you could tear the very fabric of the world apart?!"

"I'm sorry!" The Sony exec replied. "I forgot!"

"Didn't you see Ghostbusters?" Steve yelled. "Always think before you say something!"

"That applies to exactly zero percent of this situation!" Tony yelled.

The Helicarrier stabilized, and everyone relaxed, wheeling back into a more normal position. Nobody paid any attention to Spider-Man's body on the ground.

The door hissed open, and Nick Fury ran in. "Who was questioning the reality of the universe?!" He yelled angrily.

Everyone pointed at Pascal, who gasped in offense.

"Banner's freaking out, so you may want to wrap it up in case things get ugly." Fury said, cocking his gun. "You know, Pascal, one day you could maybe not ruin everything." He turned and exited, running down the hallway.

"Okay, now that we're all not going to be sucked into a rip in the space-time continuum." Feige said. "Let's get back to business. For the new Spider-Man spin-off, we'll agree on the casting and story, right?"

"Of course. Joint effort, joint agreement." Pascal nodded.

"Good." Feige replied. "Do you have any ideas for the story as of right now?"

"We were thinking something like this." Pascal started. "We see Peter Parker dealing with a relationship he's in, or possibly even an on-and-off relationship. People love that, and it doesn't get tedious at all. When out of nowhere, someone close to him is a part of a scientific accident, and becomes the greatest threat he's ever faced." She smiled, leaning back in her seat. "How does that sound?"

"Like every single one of the other Spider-Man films." Feige replied, eyes narrowed. "Do you have anything else?"

"Well, we want a scene with an intrusive pop song-" Pascal started.

"Okay, let's move on to casting." Feige interrupted. "We want to put Peter back in high school, so who do you think would fit that? Who could play socially awkward outcast, but also confident, quipping superhero."

"Adam Scott." Pascal said proudly.

"Adam Scott...WHAT?" Feige asked. "He's forty-one years old!"

"So?" Pascal asked, genuinely confused.

"You know, looking at the people you've casted, are you even aware that people live under the age of thirty?" Feige asked. "Have you ever seen a high school?"

"Not in a while..." Pascal admitted.

"Okay, we'll just move on from Spider-Man." Feige said, looking at Whedon and shaking his head. Whedon just shrugged.

"Why are we moving on from Spider-Man?" Pascal asked. "That's the whole point of this meeting!"

"Well, it's clear that when it comes to the future of Spider-Man, you have no idea what you're doing." Feige answered. "So..."

"We do so!" Pascal said defensively. "We have an extensive plan for contained universe! There's no way it could go wrong!"

"Like what?" Feige asked, bemused.

"Like Sinister Six!"

"You might have to change the entire concept and story from what you had before."

"Alright then, Amazing Spider-Man 3!"

"Garfield's out, so how can you make it, and have it make sense?"

"Well, there's the Venom or Carnage spin-off!"

"You cancelled it...I think. And if you did, you want to cram him into Sinister Six."

"Okay, well...uh...the female superhero spin-off!"

"Name we one female character you have who's interesting enough to carry her own movie."

"Gwen Stacy?"

"She's dead."

"Crap. Well, I guess there's still...Amazing Spider-Man 4?" Pascal finished, defeated.

Feige just laughed. "Let's be realistic, please."

"You say that, but you're sitting in the same room with a god, a super-soldier," Tony pointed out, "and whatever that thing is now." He gestured in the general direction of where Spider-Man's husk was lying on the floor.

"Yeah, why are we still here?" Natasha asked, looking bored.

"Mostly for appearance's sake." Whedon admitted, shrugging. "You guys can go now, get ready for Ultron, and all that."

The Avengers all stood up and filed towards the door, with Tony stopping at the end of the line. "What do you mean? What's Ultron?" He asked. The other Avengers also stopped, waiting for an answer.

"Oh, right, crap." Whedon realized. "That hasn't happened to you guys yet. Uh, never mind, you've got a few months before that."

Tony shrugged, and the Avengers left the room.

"That was a close one." Whedon remarked. "I almost caused another time paradox."

"Another?" Feige asked.

"Don't ask." Whedon muttered, shuddering.

"I suppose that Marvel's planning could be an asset for Spider-Man..." Pascal admitted.

"Exactly." Feige nodded. "It's not you're dealing with DC here."

"Certainly not." Pascal agreed, laughing a little.

"And who says it has to be Peter Parker?" Feige went on. "Hell, we could make it Miles Morales if we wanted to-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Pascal interrupted. "What do you mean?"

"We mean that maybe the fans want something different." Feige said, as if it was obvious.

"That's ridiculous!" Pascal laughed. "If there's anything people want more of, it's twenty to thirty year old, white men playing superheroes! And nothing else!"

"Wow, learning a lot about you today." Whedon said to himself.

"All I'm saying is that t's a possibility-" Feige started.

"No, it isn't!" Pascal cut him off. "I know Spider-Man fans, and they want more of the exact same thing that they've gotten five times in a row!"

"You couldn't be more wrong with that statement." Feige replied. "Trust me on that."

"I don't think I can." Pascal spat. "And I certainly can't trust you with our ost valuable property!"

"Oh god, please don't do this again, Amy!" Feige said, beginning to sound desperate. "Please, the fanboys will blame us-"

"I'm sorry, but I think our creative differences would be too great." Pascal replied, standing up. "And it would affect the best outcome of the story and the character."

"You don't understand what you're doing here-"

"I understand that once again, an agreement can't be made, as usual, because of your ridiculous demands." Pascal cut him off.

"Please, just sit down, we can talk this out." Feige pleaded.

"If we can't come to an agreement, then maybe we should just not decide right now." Pascal said.

"Please, not again." Feige begged. "Spider-Man needs competent people behind him for a change, and a plan for the future that fans universally want."

"Sony can decide that." Pascal replied, walking over to Spider-Man's body.

"I promise you, they can't." Feige said.

"We're done here." Pascal picked up Spider-Man off of the ground, slowly dragging it to the door. "We'll e-mail you if you have any further ideas." Pascal said. The door closed behind her when she left.

"Well, we've once again failed to come to an agreement." Feige said, disappointed. "As usual, because of Sony. And reading Amy Pascal's e-mails is physically painful to me, as someone who knows how to write in English."

"Agreed." Whedon nodded. "Should we try again with Infinity War?"

"Sounds good." Fege said, shaking his head. "I'm sure nobody will have complaints about the situation when this gets out."

"We're used to it by now." Whedon shrugged.

"Unfortunately." Feige muttered.

Nick Fury sighed in relief when he saw Pascal dragging Spider-Man's body toward where the portal to the Sony dimension was waiting. He gave specific orders to the SHIELD agents around him that nobody was to help her. When she was clear of the Helicarrier and the dimension, he finally relaxed.

"Sir?" Maria Hill asked him, appearing again. "Who were they?"

"Some very, very irritating people who I didn't want to deal with any more than we already have." Fury answered, looking out at the sky. "Although, what we got out of it would have been very significant."

"But sir, that was Spider-Man." Hill protested. "Based off everything we know, that should be impossible."

"And how impossible is Thor?" Fury asked. "There are many dimensions out there, Agent. Some we've already encountered, some we have yet to discover, and some, perhaps, beyond what we could imagine..." He trailed off thoughtfully.

"Like a man dressed as a bat fighting crime?" Hill suggested.

"That sounds amazing." Fury answered. "There's no way you could mess that up!"

So yeah, like I said, sillier and sillier. This is a one-shot for now, but if more talks or meetings like this happen in the future between Marvel and Sony, and I have ideas, then maybe I'll make another chapter. Thanks for reading!