"Has Jasmine called any of you guys yet?" Melba asked as she and Alf walked to the front of the school. The boy sighed, rubbing at red hair that was a shade more orange than that if his friends.

"No. We're almost to the one year anniversary, and while Dad thinks she's gonna pull a bigger theft than usual for it, Jas' plans don't involve getting in touch with us."

"Oh. I'm sorry, Alfie."

"S'okay. Everyone says she'll have to come around at some point." The six and eight year old were in the same class at their high-profile elementary school, thanks to the formerly homeless Melba needing remedial lessons and Alf having tested out of attending kindergarten. They were considered an odd pair by the rest of the students, since each was wise beyond their years - all part of growing up as Bats, but it wasn't as though they could actually tell anyone that.

At the front gate, Alf's big brother Richard was waiting impatiently for them to catch up. It was just him to walk home with them that day, since Marigold was out sick, and the other kids of the family attended other schools - a public one for Walt, Danny and Sara, and the next level up for everyone else. Sometimes Alf really, really wished that the Wilkes kids went to the same place as him, because Sara seemed to be the only non-speedster person that Richard ever slowed down for without complaining.

More often than that, the kid just wished he had metahuman abilities like his brother.

"Finally! Are you two ready to go?" Richard demanded when he spotted the pair of redheads in the slowly dispersing crowd. At the dual nods, he spun around and started marching off, forcing Melba and Alf to hurry after the taller boy.

"Do you think it's going to rain?" The girl asked after they'd travelled a couple blocks, causing her friend to glance up at the cloudy sky.

"I don't think so. Or if it does, it probably won't last very long."

"Well, if that's the case, I hope it does rain - when we're outside Crazy Swirl Ice Cream!" Melba's cheeky grin got Alf laughing, and caused Richard to look back at them curiously. The older boy's expression turned to fear, though, when all three of them registered the sound of screeching tires.

Next thing Alf knew, a big black van had pulled up with two tires on the sidewalk, and there was a man pointing a gun at his face. Melba screamed, as did the few pedestrians nearby.

"Get away from them!" Richard shouted, dashing back at what was a normal speed for humans. He ducked the first man who tried to grab him, but came to a standstill as two more gunmen held their weapons to Alf and Melba's heads.

"All of 'em?" One of the men asked.

"Nah, just the boys." With that, the Wayne brothers were forcefully grabbed and dragged into the van, the kidnappers following. Before closing the door, one of them looked back at the terrified Melba.

"Tell Mr. Wayne his mother sends her regards."

-G-

"...And then they just drove off with Alf and Richard!" Melba sniffled. One of the benefits of being the daughter of Gotham's police Commissioner was that as soon as her mother arrived, both Barbara and Melba were able to leave straight away - going directly to Wayne Manor. There, she only had to tell her story once for the assembled Bats, Babs taking down the statement simultaneously.

Not a single person present was comforted by the departing words of the kidnapper.

"It's got to be Talia, isn't it?" Stephanie asked in a grim voice. Damian didn't bother responding, simply turning away to glare out the window, his fists tightly clenched. Bruce had also gone silent, Selina tightly coiled and furious beside him.

Irey, on the other hand, seemed about ready to explode. "How dare she! That woman has no right to take my boys-"

"She feels that she has the greatest right." Damian cut his wife off. "That of blood. I turned away from my birthright, but something must have happened among the Shadows to make my mother think she needs an heir once more."

"So, what, she'll set the boys against bigger and badder opponents until the last one standing gets to be brain-washed into accepting her offer?" Irey snarled. On the seat across from her, Melba flinched, an action that instantly pacified the speedster woman's manner.

"Mel, sweetheart, it's gonna be okay. We'll find Alf and Richard."

"I know." The girl said quietly. "I just hope it's before they get hurt."

-G-

When Talia al Ghul entered the throne room to see her grandsons in the flesh for the first time, she was expecting them to be hiding their fear, standing subdued but firm as was in their blood as Waynes.

She was not expecting the younger one to be nearly bouncing with excitement while the other studied the architecture with a fascinated eye, completely ignoring the guards and his brother alike.

Upon spotting her, the red haired boy - Alfred, she believed, named after a servant of all things - gasped in delight. "That's her, right?" He asked, looking up at the bodyguard standing beside and slightly behind him.

"These men do not speak, child." Talia informed him smoothly. "They are trained to be mute in the presence of an al Ghul."

"So, that means you really are her!" She winced at the high pitched tone. "Richard! That really is Nanna!"

The elder boy grunted, his head tilted back in an undignified manner as he gazed at the murals decorating the ceiling. Talia frowned in distaste at both their behaviors, already coming up with lessons to discipline such unsavory characteristics out of the boys.

"I," she intoned seriously. "Am Talia al Ghul, your father's true mother. And as such, you will address me as Lady Talia, or Grandmother."

Finally, the elder boy looked at her - and smirked. "No can do, Nanna. For one thing, you aren't anything resembling a real lady, and for another, you aren't married to Grandfather." Gritting her teeth, Talia took a deep breath to quell her growing anger. It wouldn't do to scare the boys into fearing her just yet, after all.

"I suppose you're curious as to why I had you brought here-"

Again, the older of the two, Richard, interrupted. "Well, you do have a total of seventeen missed birthdays, and I kind of doubt you al Ghuls know how to invite folks over in a normal fashion."

"Your goon squad scared my best friend half to death, by the way." Alfred frowned at her. "I hope you're planning on apologizing for that."

For a moment, Talia merely stared at them, completely nonplussed. Then her anger returned full fold, and she couldn't help the snarl that emerged. "Clearly, I have much work to do with you two. Guards!" The heavily muscled men snapped to attention. "Take my grandsons to their rooms. Neither will be permitted to see or speak to the other until they have dressed properly and presented themselves for dinner."

As they were escorted out of the room, Talia could see Richard glaring at her murderously. Finally, it would seem, she'd found a weakness to work with - the elder brother wanted to make sure he could protect the younger. That bond would prove useful for the meantime, but eventually she'd need to break it, if there was to truly be an independent Heir to the She-Demon.

-G-

Alf was glad to see that the room he was taken to was just one down from Richard's. As soon as the guards closed and locked the door, leaving him along, the six year old looked expectantly at the wall.

Sure enough, just a few second later, his big brother came vibrating through, grasping at his head as soon as he was all the way through.

"Still getting a headache?" Alf asked sympathetically.

"Yeah, but it's not as bad as it used to be." The older boy smiled at him for a moment, before returning to his usual serious state. "If Dad and Grandfather's stories about Nanna are all true, we're not about to find a way out of here to escape. And, I kind of doubt I've got the energy to vibrate us both out of here all at once, even after eating."

"We don't need to escape - remember Operation: Wild West Irritant?"

Recalling the plan that their Gramps had helped the boys come up with ages ago in case they were ever kidnapped, a malicious grin slowly spread across Richard's face. "That might just work."

When the guards checked on them half an hour later, both brothers were in their respective rooms, each wearing the formal clothing they'd been given. They acted relieved to see one another upon stepping back into the hallway, and remained close together on the walk to the dining hall.

Talia was waiting for them, dressed in a skimpy evening gown that was quite different from her earlier jumpsuit. Mentally, Richard shook his head at the woman's physical youth - why would she even want them to call her Grandmother? She looked as young as their mom.

"I'm glad to hear you two have been behaving." Talia said smoothly, gesturing to a pair of seats for them on opposite sides of the long table, a few place settings down from her own chair at the end. Reluctantly, Alf moved away from his brother's side to the other chair as Richard took the closer one. As soon as all three of them were sitting, Talia rang a small bell, and servants appeared from thin air with trays of food. Being the only one of the two brothers who was old enough to remember Alfred Pennyworth, Richard thought that the old butler might almost have been impressed with the near-silent precision of these servers.

Almost.

As soon as the trio of diners had full plates, the servants retreated, presumably to be ready to deliver the next course. Talia started to reach for her silverware, and Richard winked at his little brother.

"Aren't we going to say Grace first?" Alf asked innocently. The woman paused, glancing at him skeptically.

"If it is important to you." She replied smoothly, returning her hands to the tabletop and looking at them expectantly, if a tad suspiciously.

Richard and Alf locked gazes, smirked, and shouted at the tops of their lungs: "GRACE!"

To her credit, Talia did not flinch, though she did glower at them. Immediately, the boys began to dig into their food, the picture of polite refinement. After a few seconds, Talia did the same, and all was quiet for a while.

Then the second course, bowls of a delicious, creamy soup, were delivered, and Alf made sure to slurp from his soup. Richard watched from the corner of his eye as Talia's eye began to twitch from the irritating noise. With the third course's arrival, the older boy promptly picked apart his salad and began to toss bits of it at his little brother.

"What are you doing?" Talia snapped at him.

"We always do this with salads," Richard explained, right as Alf chucked a bit of carrot at his forehead. It was a direct hit, prompting the six year old to giggle. "Our way of protesting the food. Vegetables at meals are supposed to be cooked, in our opinion. Raw stuff is better for snacks."

"And ammunition!" Alf added, throwing another folded-up piece of lettuce. Richard launched a cherry tomato at it, and both projectiles collided mid-air before falling to the tabletop. Talia watched in bewildered silence as the boys proceeded to make a mess of their salads, until she eventually ordered the servants to bring the next course in a bit of a strained voice.

While eating the roast lamb, Richard started to tap his feet on the floor, alternating between actual rhythms and mindless noise, which seemed to equally annoy his captor. Halfway through the course, Alf suddenly pantomimed choking, falling out of his seat and to the floor in a dramatic display. Talia started to rise, about to call for the guards when she realized Richard hadn't reacted in the slightest. A moment later, the younger boy was back in his seat, continuing eating as though nothing had happened. She had to take several deep, calming breaths after that.

It was during dessert that they pulled their greatest stunt yet.

Each of the brothers received an exquisitely decorated, tiny piece of chocolate, with spun sugar flowers on top. Richard almost felt bad about ruining such a lovely dish, but his desire to bug the hell out of Talia was greater. As one, each the boys turned to glower at her.

The woman stiffened, but otherwise didn't react to being the recipient of dual Bat Glares. "What is the matter?" She asked.

"For me, this is not nearly enough dessert." Richard stated. "And for him, it's far too much."

"Nanna, do you want to see me on a sugar rush? Or my brother in his sugar craving mode?" Alf rolled his eyes.

"If dessert is not satisfactory, then it can and will be taken away." Talia growled at them.

"Well, if that's the case, we'll just have to come up with a better use for it." The redhead boy shrugged, picked up his tiny cake, and promptly threw it at the woman. Her eyes widened in shock, and she managed to duck, but was still caught in the splatter of the cake hitting the back of her chair.

"How dare-" Talia's angry tirade was cut off with a startled gasp as Richard grabbed his own dessert item, speeded out of his seat over to hers, and squashed the entire thing in her face.

-G-

That evening, as he was preparing to go out at Batman to start tracking down his kidnapped sons, Damian received an incoming transmission on the computer. He was prepared to ignore it, up until recognizing just who the message was coming from.

"Richard?" He asked in shock, prompting the other people in the Cave to look over in surprise.

"Hi Dad!" The high pitched voice coming over the speakers was easily recognizable, though the cheerful tone had them all worrying.

"Are you and Alf-"

"We're fine, Dad. Nanna had her goon squad drop us off on Miller Road, just north of Gotham. They gave back our utility belts and everything. I'll run us home in a minute, I just wanted to go ahead and let you know we're on our way back."

"Dropped you off?" Bruce asked, coming over to the computer and looking more confused than Damian had ever seen him. "You two didn't escape on your own?"

"Well, I suppose you could say we did," Richard said smugly, and in the background they could hear Alf's delighted giggles. "You'll all get the full story later, but basically, we proved to be too irritating for the She-Demon to handle."

A/N: I just want it said that this is the most hilarious thing it has ever been my pleasure to write. And much thanks goes to JaggerK for sparking the initial bit of inspiration. Now go read her stories! The woman deserves to have her work appreciated!

-Triscribe