Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Love
Chapter 5


How George ended up in McGonagall's office he wasn't quite sure. He could only attribute his presence there to a momentary lapse of sanity on his quest to understand the feminist movement.

You see, Mr. Weasley, there is an undeserved stigma attached to feminism because of the male ego's propensity to --

I'm sorry, but can you speak in English please?

She smiled a smile reminiscent of the one Hermione used when dealing with slow-minded people. Weasley, did you know that in the muggle world, women are paid 3/4 of what men are?



Wizards are not exempt from such close-mindedness, either. In fact, the situation of women is much worse here. In the ministry, women earn 60% of what men do, if they can even get hired.

Why doesn't anybody do anything to change it?

The few women who try are labeled feminazis. Mostly everyone just gives up. Why, I had to fight the board to be paid as much as the other heads of houses.

Well bugger me silly, George thought, Hermione's right.

As a young man, you have great potential to help the cause.

But I'm not serious or clever. I can't argue like Hermione can.

As much as it pains me to admit this, Weasley, you are clever. Those products of yours may be dreadfully annoying, but they are ingenious -- you use charms so complicated that even advanced wizards can't perform. We can't affect change with serious demeanor alone. Many great leaders of the past have found that humor is often the best way to influence people.

You mean I can help Hermione by --

Doing what you do best, yes.

I may never say this again, M, but thanks.
You're welcome...G.

With a mischievous grin on his freckled face, George darted out of McGonagall's office and ran towards the kitchens.

***

What Hermione found in the kitchens when she came to deliver her carefully crafted SPEW pamphlets shocked and awed her.

George stood on one of the tables, and all the elves surrounded him, laughing hysterically. Of course, having never heard elfish laughter before, Hermione thought that it was perhaps some sort of fire alarm or a multitude of shrieking baby banshees. Every bulbous eye in the room stared intently at George. He was grumbling, raving about hair grease, and pretending to take points away from Gryffindor.

Suddenly, one of the creatures broke away and began beating herself with a frying pan.

she squealed, We should nots be laughing at Master Snape!

Everybody makes fun of Snape!, George bellowed, stopping his impersonation, In fact, it is your right as living beings to make fun of Snape! He's no better than you are! In fact, he really sucks.

Something, for lack of a better word, magical took hold of the pint-sized crowd then, and a high pitched chorus quickly began to chant, Snape sucks! Snape sucks!

Meanwhile, Hermione pulled herself up onto the table.

Just what do you think you're doing, George? she huffed, hands on her hips.

I'm doing what you couldn't do -- I'm instilling rebellion in the House Elves! You see, by making fun of Snape, I'm showing them that they are equal to humans.

Hermione bit her lip, taking this all in. George Weasley...George Weasley, who thought that feminism was some kind of kinky sex, was inciting a House Elf rebellion.

He was captivating, though, the way his eyes sparkled as he watched the House Elves giggle at his jokes, the way his whole body shook when he laughed. She couldn't stop staring. Oh, God, she couldn't stop staring! He was, she decided, even more eye-catching than Tony Blair, whom she had previously considered to be her soul mate (although the dashing politician was not aware of this).

***

George eyed the strange contents of Professor Dumbledore's office with the casual air of one accustomed to birds that catch on fire and talking hats. He had been called to the headmaster's office so many times that he considered it a second home. His nonchalance, though, belied the nervousness that he felt. He had the feeling that this time, he was in serious trouble. Something told him that attempting to change the Wizarding Social Order was much worse than setting off dung bombs in the girls' loo.

He had been expecting Hermione to freak out a lot more than she was. In fact, Hermione wasn't freaking out at all. George had always assumed that should his favorite obsessive-compulsive pal be sent to Dumbledore's office, she would spontaneously combust. Instead, she wore a stony look of confidence on her face.

This is an outrage! she cried out as Dumbledore entered the room, You can't punish us for trying to undo a great injustice! The House Elves are--

I assure you, Miss Granger, he interrupted, That I have no intention of punishing you.

George and Hermione asked in unison.

The fact is that you have done us a great service.

Well, of course we did, George beamed.

You see, the House Elves possess a very powerful magic. I'm sure you've seen, Mrs. Granger, that they can Apparate on Hogwarts grounds.

Hermione's eyes widened.

But in Hogwarts: A History on page --

That's right. Their magic is powerful enough to override the Apparition wards. Imagine how much we could accomplish with them on our side!

But if you wanted to free them, why haven't you until now? Hermione asked.

That would be chaos. Remember how ashamed Winky was when she was freed from her master? The House Elves have been brainwashed into believing that their only purpose is to serve wizards for so long that they wouldn't know if they were freed quickly. Your method, Mr. Weasley, is much more effective.

George and Hermione turned to each other and smiled.

***

You were -- you were really great, George, Hermione said softly as she and George walked toward Gryffindor Tower.

Thanks...I couldn't have done it without you, though. I mean, all this time I saw the world one way and then you -- you showed me how to look at things differently.

He smiled sheepishly down at her.

George, what happened to your teeth? I only just noticed now...They aren't...glowing are they?

He cringed. Lockhart had told him a charm to brighten his smile, and his teeth had ended up platinum. They still hadn't gone back to normal yet.

I have no idea what you're talking about. He smiled again, this time with his mouth
closed. Do you think -- do you think it would be all right if -- if I kissed you?

Hermione looked nervously around the hallway, blushing.



George leaned down, softly placing his lips over Hermione's. Suddenly, though, someone called out, Just like a Weasley to go kissing a feminazi.

George turned, his gaze meeting with Draco Malfoy's.

It's womanist, he bellowed, Now get it right or I'll make you feel a pain worse than childbirth.

And, with that, he went back to snogging Hermione.

The End

***



Thanks to all my reviewers -- I'm sorry this took so long to post. I've just been reaaaaally busy lately, and I had to choose song-writing over fanfiction writing. To see -- or, rather, hear -- what I've been working on, go here (I hope angelfire isn't being bitchy with my bandwidth):

I kinda want to write an epilogue to this (I've still got ideas stewing around in my head, like Gildy accompanying George and Mione on their first date), so if any of you want me to write one, speak up!