Jan didn't think he would ever get a proper night's sleep again. His heart beat too fast in the dark, thud, thud, thudding against his chest like it was trying to break free. Even now, in the midmorning light, his body felt tight and twitchy, ready to explode.

His mom and he had been moved to Gotham, away from their old neighborhood and away from their family. He knew it was his fault that his mom was missing her sisters and brother, even though they were fighting. Mattie was going to jail for a long time on the basis of Jan's testimony, and the family were divided as to who was at fault for what. It was breaking his mom's heart.

His therapist was always trying to get him to talk about his guilt, but he couldn't find the words. When he tried, he saw Anderson's head explode, heard Grayson's cries of pain and saw Jason spit blood and teeth onto the floor after being beaten.

Jan was paralyzed with fear and shame.

He hadn't even been back to school, he couldn't cope with socializing or crowds, instead his lessons were being sent to him via email. Some nights he couldn't help wondering if he should just give up on everything.

"Janek!" his mom called from downstairs, she sounded anxious. Jan had found that since the incident he had become hyper aware of things like that. The way a voice sounded, the feel of tension in the room.

"Jan, get down here!"

Jan heaved himself reluctantly off his bed and went down stairs. He hadn't heard the door go, but it must have, as Officer Grayson was sitting at his kitchen table, smiling as he accepted a cup of coffee from Jan's mom.

"Hello, Jan. How are you holding up?" he asked, like Jan hadn't last seen him naked and bleeding and covered in piss.

Jan froze in the doorway. Memories and fear washing through him, over him, drowning him.

"Jan?" his mom asked, worried.

"Come sit," Grayson said, gesturing to the chair opposite him. "I only wanted to see how you're doing, nothing else." He smiled.

Jan sat. His limbs felt like they were made of wood. Grayson tactfully ignored his discomfort, instead smiling up at Jan's mom.

"I understand your other son, Marek, has been released from jail and all charges dropped?"

"That's right, he is thinking of taking the 'Haven police to court for wrongful arrest. He said his lawyer suggested it – the one Mr. Wayne sent."

"That's good. And he's doing well?"

"Very well, he's back at collage, changed his major to law."

Grayson beamed. "That's the best way to get even when the system screws you over. Get in a position to make a difference."

Jan couldn't help but feel that was directed at him in some way. "Is that what you did?" he heard himself ask. He almost wanted to bite back the words.

Grayson pondered for a moment and sipped his coffee. "Yeah I guess it is. The 'Haven police have a rep for being corrupt. And it's a rep that's well deserved. But I found there were some really great people on the force who wanted to make a difference. They just needed a little extra help to start making changes."

"They still fucked Marek over."

"Jan! Language!"

He had completely forgotten his mom was still in the room and he winced. But he didn't feel like holding back his anger, it bubbled under the surface along with a toxic sludge of fear, shame and grief.

"Yeah, there is clearly still a lot of work to be done. Gotham used to have a similar problem, and now under Commissioner Gordon, it's a pretty good force. There will always be bad people in the police, in any profession. We just have to make sure there are also people who want to do what's right and fair fighting against them."

Jan nodded. He thought Grayson's optimism and belief in people after what he had just been through was fucking weird. But also strangely inspiring.

"I'm sorry for what happened," Jan blurted. And he really meant it. "I'm sorry for my part in it."

Grayson shrugged. "I know you are, and I appreciate the apology."

"It was a stupid thing to do!" Jan's mom cut in, scowling at him.

"Yeah," Grayson agreed, amicably, "it was a dumb reaction to a bad situation. I did some pretty stupid stuff as a kid too, maybe not quite that stupid, but close. I nearly got myself killed when I was angry and lashing out at an injustice the cops couldn't touch."

After the incident, Jan had googled Grayson. Had read about the murder of his parents and his being fostered by Mr Wayne. Jan had read everything he could about them, many of the articles were kind of snide and a bit rude. He had seen the rage behind child-Grayson's blank little face in the early pictures, and seen it replaced with genuine happiness in the later ones. He had found some level of peace, Jan was sure of it.

"What happened?" he asked.

"A good man taught me a different way of looking at things. A way to channel my anger usefully." Grayson looked wistful for a moment, then laughed quietly. "Not that it always stops me, or him, from being dumb as hell sometimes. That's just human nature."

"Is that why you're here? To teach me a different way of looking at things?" Jan couldn't stop the sullen tone to his voice.

"I think you learned that lesson already," Grayson said sharply. And Jan winced.

Grayson shrugged, his posture relaxing "I'm not sure there is just one reason I came. Getting over this has been hard for me. Harder than I thought it would be. And I think I needed to see you were safe and well."

"Why? You should want me in jail! If I was in your position I would never have forgiven any of the people involved!"

"I do forgive you. You had no idea what was going to happen when you got involved."

"But I did!" Jan shouted, all the guilt and rage bubbling up in him. "I knew they were going to kill you, I don't deserve a free pass on this!"

"Jan, killing me was an abstract concept before they really got started. Your remorse during and after convinced me of that."

"How can you be so forgiving, so nice after what happened?"

"I'm not always so forgiving, believe me. I sure as hell don't forgive the rest of them, but they didn't feel any remorse. Or at least, the regret they felt was for themselves having been caught."

"I was just scared for myself too," Jan insisted, not quite sure why he was so adamant in digging his own grave.

Grayson gave him a long look and then smirked. "I just had a sudden insight as to why people get so annoyed with me when I say stuff like that. Do you regret what happened to me?"

"Yes." Because he truly did.

"Would you change it, if you could?"

"Yeah."

"Even if you never had to witness it, no repercussions for you or your family?"

"Yes."

That's good enough for me, Jan. That and your promise to come talk to me, or another responsible adult if you ever get the urge to be a total moron like that again, ok?"

"I promise."

Grayson finished his coffee and smiled at Jan's mom again. "Thank you for your hospitality Ms. Bednarczyk." He pronounced the name perfectly.

Jan's mom nodded, she looked relived, and Jan wondered if she had doubted him before Grayson's visit. The though sent further tumultuous emotion flying though him. His stomach rolled.

"Thank you for coming, Officer Grayson. Forgiveness is an important part of healing," Jan's mom said.

Grayson stood and reached for his beat-up denim jacket.

Jan's mom was right, he couldn't move on if he wasn't forgiven, and it wasn't just Grayson he had wronged. "Is Jason ok? "He blurted, suddenly terrified of the answer.

Grayson smiled, it was a sweet expression, like remembering a tender moment.

"He's fine. Moaning and complaining about his leg and the fact he lost a few teeth. He's been really good to me over the whole thing, helped me get my head straight."

Jan nodded, he really wasn't sure if they were just friends, or if the insinuations Anderson had made were true. He could maybe believe Grayson was queer, but he couldn't imagine someone like Jason being that way. But then, what did he know?

He had googled Jason too, but without a last name it had been impossible to find anything. The only Jason he could find connected at all to Richard Grayson was another kid Wayne had taken in, but he was long dead, so it hadn't seemed worth investigating further.

"Will you tell him I'm sorry too?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'll tell him."

After Grayson said his good byes, Jan dodged passed his mom and her questions and retreated back to his room. He couldn't decide if he felt lighter for the experience or not. He suspected that he would be more certain of his feelings tomorrow when things had a chance to settle. Back on his bed, he caught movement out of the corner of his eye and glanced out the window. Jason was standing in the shadows opposite the house. Despite the cast on his leg he looked pretty intimidating, smoking a cigarette and glaring at the sidewalk beneath his feet.

Jan's brief flash of fear that the big man was here to murder him was eased as he saw Grayson walk up to join him. Grayson plucked the cigarette from between Jason's lips and stomped it out, making Jason's scowl deepen. Grayson seemed unconcerned, beckoning Jason to follow him away from the house. Jan couldn't hear what they were saying, but from the hand waving they seemed to be having a good natured argument.

Jason was a scary guy - imposing, built like a fighter, not to mention the fact he had withstood some serious damage and then shot someone in the head without flinching. Jan was in complete terrified awe of him. But the gentle way he touched Grayson's waist as they walked and the warm smile Grayson sent him in turn was at odds with his memories of the man. Then Grayson snatched the carton of cigarettes from Jason's grip and darted off with them, taunting and gleeful and Jason's colorful cussing floated back to Jan's window as he hobbled after him, hampered by his broken leg.

Not for the first time, Jan was very glad they had both lived.

He still felt adrift and tangled up from the things he'd seen and done, but being forgiven, and seeing Grayson recovering and happily tormenting his friend gave him a glimmer of peace. And for the first time since he woke up in the hospital he felt things might actually get better.

The End.

For now.

Thank you so much to everyone for reading, and for those who have left such lovely comments, they have brightened up a tough year :)

Next up – chapter 14 of And Who By Fire!