"No!"

I bolt up, shuddering, waking Peeta in the process. He turns on the small bedside light and moves behind me, wrapping his arms around my back. "Another one?" he whispers.

I nod, pushing on my eyes in an attempt to erase the images from my head. This was a new one; I dreamed that Prim and I switched places… that Peeta and I met before he ever knew Prim. That it was me who died, not Prim. In this universe, my personal hell was walking the earth as a ghost, watching the two of them fall in love and forget all about me, just as I deserved.

Peeta eases me back onto the bed, his arms still wrapped around me. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shake my head, still too pained to speak. Instead, he does the talking, telling me about a movie he wants to see and a funny story about Lily. My breathing relaxes as I let his deep voice and warm arms soothe me.

When I've calmed, he pauses and gives my arm a squeeze. I look up from my spot on his chest into his sleepy eyes, crinkled with a hopeful question. Wordlessly, I reach up to cup his face and pull him in for a kiss.

He rolls to his side, pulling me more fully into his arms and holding me close. He leans his forehead against mine with a sigh. "This is the third night this week. I hate to watch you suffer. Isn't there anything I can do?"

"Just do this," I say, pulling him closer to me.

We kiss again, slowly at first, with growing fervor. I let myself drown in his musk, the softness of his lips and his solid steadiness. I feel a warmth in my chest, spreading to my limbs; I'm starting to chase something more, but before I can stop them, images of Prim start to flood my brain. I pull away. We're both trying to catch our breath, though I can't tell if I'm driven by passion or fear.

Peeta brushes my nose gently with his lips. "You need your sleep," he whispers. I'm more awake now than before, but I nod.

He slips from the bed. "I'm going to check on Lily." As my outbursts became more frequent, Peeta and I moved into my bedroom, allowing Lily to sleep peacefully through the night in his room. It was his idea, but he's still adjusting to having her sleep across the hall. "Do you need anything?"

"No. Thanks."

As he pulls the door shut, I turn onto my back with a sigh. We keep doing this, edging closer to a more physical relationship, but I keep stepping back before taking the next step. Peeta has been patient, insisting we wait until I'm really ready before going any further.

I know we're right not to rush things, but I'm so frustrated with the ongoing struggle. My mind isn't ready for more, but my body certainly is.

"I've decided on the theme for my birthday," Johanna announces as we eat our lunch.

"A theme? Aww. How old are you turning again? Nine?"

"Ha ha," she says, not at all amused by my little joke. "Nine going on thirty. Which is where I got my theme: XXX."

I stare at her for a moment, then shake my head and take another bite.

"Oh come on. That's brilliant! I'm turning thirty, but in Roman numerals."

"Okay Johanna," I laugh. "I'm sure everyone will be thinking of Roman numerals when you mention triple-X."

"Well, I can't help what other people think." She wiggles her eyebrows. "If your mind goes immediately to the gutter, maybe you need to ask yourself why. Is Lover Boy not scratching that itch?"

She's trying to be funny, but instead it just makes me uncomfortable, thinking about last night all over again.

She reads my non-reaction and changes the subject. "Eh, maybe you're right. We hang with a bunch of cretins. They might not even know how Roman numerals work." She raises her eyebrows hopefully. "Maybe I could wear a toga to hammer the theme home?"

"It's January, Jo! You'll freeze."

"But think how much fun Blight will have unwrapping me at the end of the night."

"Now whose mind is in the gutter?" I ask over her happy cackle.

"Lucky number three!"

Jo leads the way into the next tavern, with Blight on her heels, his hand protectively on her back. The rest of us follow close behind. We've already been to two other bars, but after a few drinks, Jo decided they weren't the right 'vibe' for her big day. Our co-workers and Jo's neighbors ditched us after stop #2.

This place definitely has a different vibe, evidenced by the pounding beat assaulting our ears as soon as we cross the threshold. A small area in the center of the room is jammed tight with dancers, and a nearby DJ rambles incoherently into a microphone. Peeta and I exchange looks, and I sense he's thinking the same thing as me: this is so not our scene.

"Follow me," I read on Johanna's lips. I can tell she's shouting, but can't hear a thing over the music.

She leads us through the crowd, past the crowded bar to a set of stairs at the back of the room. It's dark, but we follow a blue glow at the top of the staircase. When we get to the landing, we discover another bar, this time centered in the room with stools wrapped around it. The remaining space is filled with high top tables. The floor vibrates with the loud music from below, and there's a steady hum of conversation, but it's a much more bearable setting.

Johanna leads us to a pair of empty tables in the corner. She throws her jacket over the back of a chair and adjusts her tube top. She thought better of the toga theme and instead settled for a pair of leather pants and heeled boots. She grinned proudly when Madge compared her to Olivia Newton John in Grease.

I survey the bar, trying to read the beers on tap. As I scan the room, I notice a familiar hulking figure leaning on a high top on the other side of the bar. He's got his back to us, but I'd recognize the dark hair and broad shoulders anywhere: Gale.

Peeta and Blight are engrossed in conversation, but Johanna must notice Gale at the same time as me, because she reaches out and squeezes my hand. I squeeze back and study her face. She looks like she's concerned about me, but I'm more worried about her; it's only been a few months since their breakup, and I don't want him causing issues with her and Blight. But she gives me a nod and lets go of my hand, and I get her meaning. We're not letting Gale ruin our night.

"I'm pretty thirsty after all that walking," she says. "I think I need a drink." I roll my eyes - between the three bars, we haven't walked more than a couple of blocks.

"I'll come with you," Peeta says. "I'm getting thirsty myself." Blight and Johanna head up to the bar ahead of him, while Madge and I agree to hang back and hold a couple tables.

Peeta slides his hand down to mine, tangling our fingers together. "You doing okay?" he asks, his brow furrowed as he studies my face.

I shake my head. "I'm fine," I say, forcing a smile. "But I could use a beer if I'm going to make it through this night." He leans in and gives me a gentle kiss before heading to the bar.

I can't help but notice Gale watching us from across the room. His expression is cold, hard. He shakes his head in disgust and turns away with a swig of his beer.

This level of the bar doesn't have a dance floor like downstairs, but that doesn't bother Johanna. She throws a $20 into the jukebox and queues up an eclectic playlist - pop, country, and some 90's hip-hop. Eventually she clears her own dance space next to our table and starts gyrating against an amused Blight.

Peeta stands behind me, swaying slightly to the music, one arm wrapped tight around my waist. I keep my hand on his wrist and try to ignore the dark eyes that always seem to be trained in our direction.

We're actually able to carry on an audible conversation here, which is a welcome change from our first few stops. Johanna keeps us entertained with stories from her wilder years and ghosts of birthdays past.

The jukebox pauses for a moment before the strings of a slow rock ballad begins. Taking advantage of the lull, Madge pulls her gloves from her pockets. "Well, I've got to get going," she says, stretching the fabric over her fingers.

"Madge!" Johanna whines. "It's only 10:30!"

"I'm sorry," Madge says, a contrite look on her face. She gives Johanna a hug, then does the same for Blight and Peeta. "I'm meeting my dad for brunch early tomorrow morning. I'm beat. It was a really long week."

I give her a hug and promise to meet up with her for dinner soon, just the two of us. I worry we made her feel like a fifth wheel, but she assures me she's just tired.

"I'll walk you to your car," Peeta says, taking the last swig on his beer before grabbing his jacket.

"Oh, no, Peeta, you don't have to," Madge says. "You can stay."

"I insist," he says. "The parking lot is at least a quarter mile away. I'd feel better if you weren't alone."

"I'll go with the two of you," I offer, standing to get my coat, but Peeta shakes his head.

"It's freezing out there," he says, kissing my cheek. "You stay here and keep warm. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Peeta and Madge walk to the staircase and he turns to blow me one more kiss before heading down into the cold.

My phone vibrates and I glance down at the table to check my text. It's Delly, letting me know that all is well at home, and that Peeta and I should take our time.

"Come here often?"

I look up from my phone to find Gale looming over me. "Not exactly," I say, looking around for Johanna. She headed to the bar a little while ago to find Blight, who seems to have disappeared into the crowd. "I'm not big on the bar scene."

Gale scoffs then tilts his head back as he empties his glass. He drops it to the table then hunches over on his forearms. "Never were much of a drinker, were you?"

"Can't say the same for you," I say, staring down at the empty glass. "Yet another thing we didn't have in common."

"Aw, c'mon Catnip. Don't fool yourself. You and I, we're just the same."

He's baiting me, but I refuse to bite. I go back to my phone instead.

"Where's the pretty boy?" he asks, scanning the room with glazed eyes.

"If you mean Peeta, he'll be back soon."

"Two of you looked awful cozy earlier. You'd almost think it was real."

I slam my hand on the table. "What are you trying to say, Gale?"

His eyes snap back to my face. "You can't be serious, Katniss. Holding hands… kissing him… he's Prim's husband for god's sake."

"That's… I would never…" I look down at my phone, at the picture of Prim and Lily I'd saved as my lock screen. "Prim's dead," I finally choke out, tears stinging my eyes. "And she's never coming back."

"Exactly! You'd think you'd have some loyalty to your own sister. Even if he doesn't. Her body's barely cold and he's already warming your bed."

"How dare you?" I hiss, jumping to a stand beside him. "You don't know a damn thing about me."

"Well, it's true, isn't it? I mean, I get his motivation. He's got a kid who needs a mother; who better to fill those shoes than his wife's sister? But you…" He shakes his head. "It's pretty fucking low to mess around with his head like that. Especially when there's a kid involved."

"I love Lily! I would never hurt her!" I don't even know why I'm engaging with Gale, especially when he's this drunk. But I can't let him dismiss what I have with Peeta.

"Oh come on, Kat. Be honest with yourself. You don't have it in you to commit to a relationship. Every time you start connecting with someone, you shut down. You freeze them out. That's what you did with us-"

"But I love him," I declare.

His face contorts with a blend of anger and pain. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"You?" I scoff. "What the hell does any of this have to do with you?"

Instead of answering, he grabs my face and pulls me close, kissing me hard. I'm stunned at first, coming to my senses as he presses his tongue against my lips and I get the bitter taste of whiskey.

"Gale!" I shove him away from me, wiping his slobber from my mouth with the back of my hand. "What the hell was that?!" I spit out, pushing him again.

"I had to do that. At least one more time," he says, stumbling before righting himself against a post. "C'mon Catnip. Don't you remember how good we were together? Don't you miss us?"

"What?! – God, Gale." I close my eyes, trying to process his words. "No. I can't believe you're doing this now."

"Katniss?" Peeta squeezes through the crowd, a worried frown forming on his face as soon as he gets close. He puts his hands on my waist, holding me steady as he studies me. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"I'm fine. It's nothing." I reply. "He-" I rub angry tears from my eyes, my scowl trained on Gale. "He kissed me and... and I got upset."

"He - what?" Peeta stands up straighter, turning to face Gale and pulling me to his side. "What the hell, man!?"

"Catnip, you know I wasn't-" Gale groans. "God. Don't be so dramatic. We dated! We used to kiss all the time! I was just trying to remind you that the spark was still there. Make you see- To admit -"

"What?" I ask. "Admit what?"

Gale spots Johanna and Blight moving toward us, each holding two beers. "Jo! Will you talk some sense into her? Tell her what you told me - about how ridiculous the two of them look together."

Johanna blanches as she puts the beers on the table.

"Jo?" I ask, my voice small.

She turns and kicks Gale in the shin. "That's not what I said!"

"Ow!" He doubles over and grabs his leg. "What the fuck?!"

"What did you say?" I ask Johanna. Drunken rambles from Gale are one thing, but I'm stung by the thought of the two of them laughing about me behind my back.

"It was a long time ago. Before I realized how you really felt about him. At first… I thought it was just a crush. Some kind of distraction to help you both get over Prim."

"A distraction?"

"No, not - a distraction… That's not - that's not what I meant." She shakes her head. "Just... I didn't know it was real - I thought-"

She's floundering, so I finish her thought for her. "That we were 'ridiculous'."

"No, Kat..." Johanna's face hardens. "You can't listen to Gale. He's a jealous asshole. He's only doing this because he's in love with you."

"Oh, fuck you, Jo," Gale says. "You were right there with me-"

Johanna shouts over him. "Gale, you can go -"

"Enough!" I shout. I look around at my friends. Johanna is on her toes inches from Gale's face, while Blight tries to pull her off the attack. Peeta's fists are clenched at his sides, and he's angled himself protectively in front of me.

I rub my hands across my face. It's all too much. "I think it's time we leave," I say to Peeta. His shoulders relax and he looks back at me, nodding in agreement.

"Katniss!" Johanna finally disregards Gale and turns back to me. "C'mon. Don't leave like this!"

"I'm tired," I say. I reach for my coat and shove my arms in the sleeves. "I need... I want to go home."

"I'm sorry." Johanna sounds contrite, but I'm still too hurt to respond. "I didn't know-"

"I'll see you Monday," I say, and head toward the staircase. I need to get out of here - I don't even wait for Peeta as he says his goodbyes to Blight and Johanna.

Gale is conspicuously quiet, but as I round the corner to the stairs, I can hear him call out to me. "Katniss, remember I -" I don't look back, and his voice is drowned out by the thumping coming from the downstairs bar.

I push through the crowd and into the cold where I can finally breathe again, and wait for Peeta to come and take me home.

Adjusting the curtain, I watch the lights from Delly's car retreat as she backs down the driveway. I can sense Peeta's presence behind me, but I interject before he has the chance to speak.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Peeta sighs. "Katniss -"

"No. Not now, Peeta." I hang my jacket on the coat rack and head up the stairs. "Not… Not tonight."

He follows me up the stairs and into my bedroom. Or - into our bedroom.

My head is starting to ache.

He closes the door and pulls me down to sit beside him on the bed. "I get it, but Katniss…" He studies me with troubled eyes. "I just need to know… Did I do something wrong?"

"What? No," I put my hand on his thigh. "It wasn't you. Gale-"

"-is an asshole. Kissing you like that, putting his hands on you. God, I wanted to strangle him."

I chuckle. "My hero."

This earns me a wry smile, but only for a moment before he furrows his brow again. "But… you barely spoke the whole ride home. Are you sure you're not upset with me?"

"No," I sigh. "It's not you. I just needed time. To think."

He nods. "About what Johanna said?"

My shoulders tense. Johanna's comments hurt, but Peeta didn't even hear the worst of it. Gale's accusations about my loyalty to Prim keep ringing in my ears.

I rub at my temple. "I really don't want to do this right now, Peeta," I whisper.

"Okay. We can talk tomorrow. But…" He pauses, choosing his words carefully. "I know that this is hard. But that doesn't mean you should just bury it. Not facing the hard isn't going to make it go away. If you never talk about it, it's just going to fester."

"'Fester'? Did you learn that kind of talk from your fancy therapist?" He flinches, hurt. I'm tired, and my tone was harsher than I meant for it to be. "I'm sorry-"

"You know, I think maybe you could benefit from a session or two, Katniss. You're hurting. You never sleep-"

"I sleep!"

"Not soundly. Neither of us are getting the rest we need."

"Oh. Well, I'm sorry I'm interrupting your beauty sleep," I say, jumping up. I grab my pajamas off the bed and move toward the door.

"Katniss, stop." He reaches for my hand and stops me before I can open the door. I toss the pajamas back down. "You know that's not what I meant. We both struggle with nightmares."

Both? This gives me pause. "Still?" I can't remember the last time I saw Peeta sleep anything but soundly. Since we've started sharing a bed regularly, it's always me waking him.

"Yeah," he says. He pulls me closer and wraps his arms around my waist. "Dr. A says it's totally normal. We've both been through a lot."

Doctor A. So pretentious. I've never met this guy, but I already hate him.

"'We?' You mean… you talk about me in your sessions?" This shouldn't sting, but it does. It's like Johanna and Gale all over again, talking about me behind my back.

"No, not… I mean, yes… but..." He's starting to panic. He knows me by now, can probably tell by the set of my jaw that I'm getting ready to run. He swallows and grips my hands tightly in both of his. "I talk about my past. My parents and brothers. About Prim, and Lily, and - yes, I've told him about you. How much I love you. And how much easier it is to face all of the pain... now that we're together."

The tension in my shoulders releases a little, but I still can't meet his eyes. I keep mine glued to our hands clenched in his lap.

"Sometimes I think… maybe… it might be nice…"

He's so eager, so earnest, I finally let my eyes drift back up to meet his troubled gaze. I lock on, a silent request for him to continue.

"Would you consider... coming with me? To a session?" I shake my head but he barrels on before I can officially say no. "You don't have to talk or anything. You can just listen. Just… see what it's like. It can be very… raw, and sometimes I'd like to talk to you about it after, but it's so hard to... relive it. Again… And I-" He pauses to take a breath. Now he's the one looking down at our hands. I give them a squeeze. He starts again, his voice low and husky. "I would very much like it if you could be there. With me."

Oh. This isn't about me, and my issues. It's about Peeta. He's so good about taking care of me, I forget sometimes that he relies on me to take care of him, too.

"Okay," I say softly. His face lights up, his blue eyes both relieved and grateful as they flutter up to meet mine.

"Okay?" he repeats, hesitant. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure." I lean down and place a gentle kiss on his lips. He gives me a small smile. "Now," I grab my pajamas off the end of the bed and step back from his grasp. "Do you mind if I get changed? I'm kind of exhausted."

"Of course," he chuckles. "And Katniss-" He stops me just as I open the door. "Thank you."

I dismiss his thanks with a roll of my eyes. "There's nothing to thank me for. This is what we do. We're family, right?"

"Right," he nods. "Family."

I get a step into the hallway, but stop. Something is nagging at me. I push the door open and peer back in. He's laying back on the bed, his legs still dangling off the side where he was sitting.

"Peeta," I call.

He lifts his head off the mattress to look at me. "Yeah?"

"Your nightmares. Why don't I ever know about them anymore?" I remember how he used to bolt out of bed, needing to check on Lily as soon he woke up. "Why don't you wake me?"

"Oh, um," he sits up and shrugs. "Lately… they're mostly about losing you. I kind of… wake with a start. But once I can see that you're here, and safe, I'm okay."

"Oh." I'm not sure what to say to that. Instead I gesture in the direction of the hall. "I'm gonna-"

"Yeah," he stands up with a groan. "I should check on Lily. Make sure she didn't kick all of the covers up."

"Like her Daddy," I joke, earning a smile.

He follows me into the hallway and heads into Lily's room. I shut the bathroom door behind me and close my eyes, rubbing at my temple. This has been a long night. I shuffle over to the medicine cabinet, desperate for some medicine to dull the pain, even if there's nothing in there that can truly set my mind at ease.

A/N - Remember me? Probably not... I know it's been a long LONG road, but I'm back and more determined than ever to finish this story. I want to thank my amazing and supportive beta, lesbianophelia/mendontprotectyou, for checking in with me when the months got long, inspiring me with her incredible writing, and encouraging me to never give up.

We're almost at the end now, and I hope you have the patience to stay with me a little longer. Thank you so much for reading. I still hang out on Tumblr if you want to catch me there: sothereff.