Secrets Still – by Darlin

A/N – This is a story I wrote years ago that actually went with a previous story I wrote called Secrets. It's not necessary to read that at all. I edited this one a lot which is why Secrets was just a one shot. This story is five chapters long, finished with just a little tweaking to be done on the other chapters so will probably have new chapters up very quickly.

Disclaimer – I neither own the X-Men, make profit from my little endeavor nor mean to infringe upon Marvel's copyrights.

-xox-

Chapter One – There is no Happily Ever After

It was autumn with a hint of chill in the air but the weather was holding sunshiny bright. Shouts of derision and bursts of laughter greeted Logan when he pulled up to the school. But his windows were up, his music blasting. He put the jeep in park and sat there, letting the engine idle. He was home, the last place he wanted to be. He dreaded going inside. Jean would be there. Marriage to her had been hell. He was sick to death of it and of her.

Finally he turned the radio off then the ignition, let the peace of the momentarily silence seep into him, a much needed respite before he had to face her fury. He was late. She would be furious because she was always suspicious when he was late. But a whoop and a loud burst of cheering suddenly made him remember just what he was late for. He almost sighed with relief as he realized she wouldn't show her anger in front of the others. She'd pretend to be sweet, loving, and concerned as long as everyone was there.

He grinned, enjoying the thought of her having to suppress her anger, biting at the bit to ream him good once the outing was over. But he'd keep the party going all night just to thwart her. Then when the bonfire was put out and the last beer finished, the last straggler shuffling off to bed, he'd tell her that he was finished, that he wanted a divorce. After that he'd be free to see Ororo whenever he wanted and he'd never have to worry about Jean's jealousy again.

He grinned. He could hear Ororo cheering someone on. She'd never played baseball as a kid but she loved the game once they'd introduced it to her. He got out of the jeep, slammed the door shut, and quickly headed out to the back with a pep in his step, Jean already forgotten.

-xox-

Dallas, Texas changed everything for the group of X-Men that had saved the lives of everyone on Earth by defeating Forge's nemesis Naze. They had sacrificed their lives but when Roma brought them back to life as an reward Ororo had decided to take advantage of the fact that the world believed they'd died. If no one knew they were alive then they could take the battle to their enemies. Logan and the others had agreed. Some of them remembered that time well while others, having gone through the Siege Perilous and transformed, given yet another second chance, only retained vague dream like memories. Logan remembered it as if it had happened yesterday.

He remembered how he'd never hesitated to follow Ororo where ever she led, into death or into the desolate Outback. He remembered the fun they'd had, the hell afterward. Mostly he remembered falling in love when he'd least expected it.

The day he knew he loved her they were bathing in their usual swimming hole, splashing water, playing around, laughing, just having fun. It shouldn't have been any different than the day before but something happened. He couldn't explain it but he still remembered the exact moment he looked at Ororo and knew she was the one. Some how something had changed between them. He'd just caught her after a a heated race and she was out of breath but laughing and when he splayed his hands over her backside and pulled her against him she'd nearly sunk into his arms, almost as if she were trying to meld herself to him, helplessly without any resistance and he knew he wanted to take care of her for the rest of her life.

He pulled her closer, didn't stop to think, just kissed her. The kiss was gentler than he'd intended and gentler than she'd ever imagined possible and then it grew, slow, tender, sweet, hot, into a passionate crescendo that left him unable to think and when he finally loosened his hold on her they were both out of breath. What he saw when he looked at her was exactly what he felt and another kiss turned into another and then another and Ororo responded as if she were feeling long pent up emotions she'd denied herself for far too long. And he knew something was happening between them, something they wouldn't be able to back out of – if they let it happen and he wanted it to happen – but Ororo pushed away.

"I think we should go back," she said.

"Don't wanna go back," he murmured, catching her hand and drawing her close again, his lips brushing against her chin then seeking her lips again.

Her hands were like a wall pressed against his chest. It didn't stop him. He rubbed his cheek against hers, so gently she actually closed her eyes. This simple caress, his hard stubble brushing against her too long untouched skin, sent a series of shivers through her and she lost the will to resist. But when he hooked his thumbs into the top of her bikini bottoms, pulling her closer, catching and steadying her as she almost lost her footing, her eyes flew open and she shook her head.

"No. This isn't what the team needs," she said and broke the embrace. "It isn't even what you need."

He'd wanted to tell her she was wrong, that they had a chance here in the Outback, that they could make this work, but the look on her face, almost that of disgust, the firm lift of her chin, the tremor in her voice, told him she wasn't giving in despite herself or maybe to spite herself he later thought. And so he'd smiled and chuffed her on the chin making light of something that was anything but light to him.

"Just messin' with ya, darlin' but I can't deny it's always a pleasure to kiss those beautiful lips of yours." He turned and dove into the water not giving her a chance to reply, not caring if she believed him or not.

The water dampened his desire as soon as he dove in. Always the levelheaded boss, he thought. She wouldn't allow anything to mess with that. He should have realized that but the moment had caught him off guard, his feelings for her had been unexpected. In that long moment he'd known that he'd never want another woman. Only that woman didn't want him.

When he finally got out and she handed him a towel, physical desire had been quelled but emotional desire, something he hadn't felt for anyone besides Jean for a long time, hadn't diminished. He'd hoped it would have. After her rejection he didn't want to feel tied to her and he told himself he wasn't, that he wouldn't be but his heart betrayed him. He gave her a grin though, toweled off, got dressed because she already was, and shortly after that they were whisked away thanks to Gateway who always seemed to know what they needed.

Gateway the enigma. He probably had all the answers too, like why Ororo had brushed him off. Ororo spent a lot of time just sitting up there with the old man. Gateway, ever silent, never even acknowledging them but always so aware. Logan had a feeling she was telling the little guy things she'd never tell anyone else because Gateway never judged, he just listened. Logan imagined she was telling Gateway things that she could have easily been telling him because he would've listened to her without judgment, just like he always had. But he knew she wouldn't go to him for anything now.

Finally, after days of not being able to stop thinking about Ororo and battling with his indecision Logan hiked up the hill. He'd talk to her; get her to see it could work, that what he felt for her was something he didn't want to lose. He trudged determinedly forward, mind made up. She didn't see him coming. She was sitting with the small Aborigine talking to him just like Logan knew she'd be, telling him all her troubles maybe. But when she did see him, even before Logan could get a word out, she rose from the ground as if she meant to go. Her face, so open and full of emotions when she'd been speaking to Gateway, was now the calm, serene mask she always wore. The calmness even lasted when they were caught up in a vortex of Gateway's making.

It took only a few moments for Ororo to recognize their surroundings, less for Logan. He could smell the stagnant algae in the lake and all the other little scents that told him they were home.

"Home," she whispered, the serene mask replaced with an expression of hope and joy that made him smile.

"Yeah," he muttered, too busy looking at her to care where they were.

"You can . . . you can see if she's here," Ororo said, her voice hesitant, almost inaudible.

He looked at her, confused. "I don't know what ya mean. Who?" he questioned and then he knew. "Oh," he said but quickly added, "Nah, she's always been with Scott, always will be. That's been over a long time, truth to tell never ever got started."

Ororo turned away from the lake and looked towards the mansion. In the distance it looked like a magical castle, fog rising at it's base, lighted windows glowing like golden sunshine.

"Look, 'Ro, Gateway brought us here for a reason, maybe 'cause he wanted us to talk about what happened the other day."

She chuckled. "No, I'd no wish to return here though this place is dear to me. My life is in Australia now. Perhaps though, he meant to show us both that your heart is here where her memory is the strongest."

Logan looked at the mansion, brow furrowed, unsure.

"If she's alive . . ." Ororo said, unable to say more.

"She can't be," he muttered.

"But you wish she were," Ororo responded.

They looked at each other in lingering silence. And as if the silence was their answer they were whisked away just as before – returned to their base in the Outback. Ororo glanced at Logan who looked as confused as he'd looked just moments before in New York. A grim look of realization spread over her face. She'd been right although she'd hoped she wasn't. After stooping to touch Gateway's thin shoulder and murmuring her thanks Ororo started down the hill.

Logan growled quietly trying to hold back his anger. "You think this is what I wanted, huh old man? What? You think I ain't good enough for her, that it?"

Gateway neither spoke nor looked at him. As always ever silent.

"Maybe I'd be good for her," Logan said. "You ever think about that? I know her better than anybody! Known her since – ah hell, you don't give a rat's ass what I think an' neither does she. She's got time for you an' nothin' fer me," he said before striding off in the opposite direction Ororo had taken.

-xox-

Nothing really changed after that. Logan went on a few solo road trips, and one with Alex where they wreaked a little havoc. But one day he came back after a trip and found Ororo gone, found everyone gone. Then, caught off guard,by the Reavers whose compound they'd stolen, he'd been captured and literally hung up to die. But his luck held and he'd been saved by a kid who called herself Jubilee, real name Jubilation Lee, the stowaway he'd caught scent of once or twice in the compound but he'd never thought much of it with everything else going on between him and Ororo and various battles.

The kid said she'd seen the bigger blond guy kill Ororo with those power things coming out of his hands. He didn't believe it. He couldn't. They'd faced down all kinds of bad guys, how could she be killed by one of their own?

With the kid's help he'd made it out of Australia and eventually found other X-Men. But Ororo's death, the severe beating he'd taken, everything he'd been through had worn him down. He'd felt as if he were losing his sanity, seeing people, having hallucinations. The only thing that had kept him grounded during that time were thoughts of Ororo because thoughts of her were almost always in the back of his mind, something normal, something familiar.

And then after the Outback, and Jubilee and the new Betsy, and discovering Ororo as a child and then her transformation back into an adult and with Remy constantly hanging around her and her old boyfriend Forge back in the picture Logan had had a hard time adjusting. He hadn't expected that he would miss her so much even though she was living in the same house.

The thing was she didn't seem to remember what had happened in the Outback, how he'd kissed her after a boys night out, how he'd held her at the swimming hole, had wanted to make love to her. And the one time he had mentioned it she'd looked and sounded as clueless as he'd known she was. Her memories of their time in Australia were fuzzy at best she'd admitted.

But slowly those memories started coming back and sometimes she'd cast a stray look in his direction and remember his strong body, his arms wending around her waist pulling her to him, his breath warm on her skin, his lips hot and persistent. But she never knew that he'd wanted to be with Ororo whatever the outcome might have been.

He'd never know Ororo had wanted it too, that she had essentially said no because she felt he only wanted her as a replacement for Jean. Their beloved Jean. But she didn't know that when he'd held her that day that Logan had lost himself as he'd kissed her. He'd forgotten Jean completely and never would have considered her again. But Ororo had been adamant. No, she would not be a replacement for Jean. And she wasn't, not then, not later even when she fought not to regret her decision that day.

Then they'd discovered Jean was really alive and so Ororo knew there could never have been anything between her and Logan, that she'd made the right decision. She would not be second cello or bass or violin or whatever Americans called it. And so they both moved on.

Later tragedy struck. Scott died and Logan took Jean out a few times, probably got her drunk before flying her out to Vegas, Ororo thought much later. She didn't like to think of that time for Jean and Logan actually got married in Vegas then called the school with the news and that was that.

Ororo, with ears pricked, a silly grin on her face, heart beating crazily, waited patiently for her turn to talk to Logan when Kitty picked up the phone and excitedly shouted out that Logan was on the line. But Ororo's face fell in less than a minute as Kitty happily spilled the news.

A shock ran through her body, sinking into her stomach and then she caught herself and gave a farce of a smile. Of course she knew they'd been dating, knew how Logan felt about Jean so she shouldn't be surprised. She wondered what to say. What should be her appropriate reaction?

Finally when Kitty looked at her expectantly she managed to say, "Really!" and tried to sound pleased. But when Kitty handed the phone to her she shook her head and waved it away. Only Jubilee snatching the phone away averted attention to Ororo's dismal reaction to the elopement.

She practiced what she would say when they returned.

Congrats.

I wish you all the best.

Good luck.

When she finally did see them she felt as if she were going to vomit. But she wore her fake smile well. It was all she did, smile, that and bobbing her head up and down like some caricature of a bobble head doll. But no one noticed. Least of all Jean or Logan. The pair were caught up in the joy of newlywed bliss.

Ororo wished she could hope their marriage would last but she knew it wouldn't. Which one of them would be hurt first she didn't know.

Surprisingly Logan broke first, storming from the boat house in sullen silence, moving back into his room in the mansion. Just needed some time alone, Kitty reported back. And perhaps that was the truth. That night he went back to Jean.

It all began when he started refurbishing the small cabin he'd built on the property some time ago. Jean called it that awful outhouse. Logan called it living off the grid, self sufficient paradise. Ororo had never known Jean to be mean it was just that she didn't like the notion of toughing it when there was a mansion on the same grounds.

As they quarreled Logan found himself drawn more and more to Ororo's peaceful hangouts – the roof where she sunbathed, her greenhouse, her attic space. They talked a lot. Slowly, unconsciously, he began to use her, like his own private priestess hidden away in some dark confessional, as if he sought to be absolved, freed of guilt, a futile attempt to cleanse his soul.

He didn't understand her – Jean – her need to fill every moment with noise, the silly plans she made for them daily, like what they'd eat for breakfast, what the cashier told her about his family, where they could find material for curtains and the perfect wallpaper, what color they should be, what color did he like, what color did he like her in – so many questions, almost nonstop. He didn't want noise. Mariko had understood, Ororo understood, he told her and looked at her, his mouth opening wide. For a second he had actually wished he'd married Ororo instead of Jean.

Ororo smiled her fake, empty smile and offered advice he would've taken to heart as he always did except he couldn't think straight. He made a hasty exit and didn't go looking for her for a long time. But gradually, as if unable to resist, he again started searching her out. Finding Ororo in the woods one day he couldn't help admiring her and being glad she couldn't read his mind like his ever prying wife. He said as much and she laughed. It was a spirited laugh tinged with bitterness she couldn't hide.

He'd gotten exactly what he'd wanted she told him.

He said he didn't want his wife in his head, he didn't' feel it was necessary to have a physic bond, that she didn't need to know his every thought like she had with Scott. He complained that he was sick to death of talking and explaining and analyzing and pretending to care about what they talked about and analyzed so often. How had something so simple and so hoped for turned into something so hard to bear? And then he stopped.

Ororo looked amused. "Pretending to care about what?" she queried.

"About . . . about stuff!" he growled.

"What kind of stuff?" She was curious.

"About . . . about . . . things . . . complete strangers . . . jewelry and clothes and hair and furniture and food and how I feel and how fat she looks or doesn't look in jeans and – hell, about everything!" he finished with his face flushing as if an exclamation mark to his frustration.

She shook her head, closed her eyes. She'd thought if she knew their disagreements it would somehow make her feel better but it didn't. It only deepened her growing dislike of Jean. She was sorry for that. It wasn't Jean's fault that Logan had only thought he loved her. But it was Jean's fault that she didn't take care of him properly. Ororo knew she could do a better job. It wasn't difficult to know what Logan needed.

Logan sat down beside her. She glanced at him then looked away. They sat in peaceful quietude for a very long time, drowsily still. Finally she couldn't hold back a yawn. She should have left hours ago. She yawned again and slowly worked the kinks out of her arms. He watched her long slender arms reach for the sky, such a simple move but everything about it tore at him – his nether regions, his heart, his conscious.

"Was it as good for you as it was for me?" she teased.

"Yup," he admitted. How he wished Jean could sit there with him without saying much of anything.

It was growing dark now and the darkness gave the woods a different mood, as if a different world.

It was so easy to wrap his arms around her, pull her to him, hold her, thrill in her arms as they wrapped around him, press his lips to hers, to lose himself in a moment where nothing else existed but this woman who accepted him for who he was.

It was so hard to stop. But they did. They looked at each other, emotions flashing one after another over their faces. Neither of them wanted to hurt Jean.

"Fly you back?" Ororo asked casually, her attempt at pretending nothing had just happened, something she was so used to.

He shook his head. "Just like that? You got nothin' ta say? You're just gonna leave?"

She looked at him. Her body was still all a tingle. She wanted him. He was married. His wife just happened to be her best friend.

"Just like that," she said.

He knew her meaning. No, she was not going to have a sordid affair with him.

"That's not who we are," she said.

He knew she expected better of him. Everyone knew he was about honor and respect but he wasn't some super samurai, he was just a man. And sometimes love outweighed honor. Love. He realized that he still loved Ororo but that it was too late. She had been right, he thought. Jean alive had changed how he'd felt. But now he was miserable. He'd ruined his and Jean's lives, he couldn't ruin Ororo's life. So he let her go.

It wasn't long though before he sought her out again and then again and again. He couldn't help himself. He did mentally check himself when he was with her. If he allowed himself to gaze over long at her bikini clad body he forced himself to look away. But it wasn't her body that drew him. It was her, everything about her. Just as it always had been. It wasn't lust but love.

"I was blind," he muttered.

How true, Ororo thought – couldn't see the truth to save his life and now that life was forfeited. The life they could have had if not for his obsession with Jean. Something about Jean had called to him, some unseen force that perhaps had tricked him, some sleigh of hand, a faded memory perhaps of a time long forgotten. After all, he had forgotten possibly over a hundred year's worth of memories. She couldn't blame him but she did resent him.

All Logan knew was that being with Ororo made him happy. She demanded nothing but serenity. She laughed at his jokes, good and bad, respected his need for solitude and understood why he needed it. He was surprised that she still let him hang around her. It wasn't easy on him, it couldn't be easy on her. He guessed, hoped, more than knew, that she felt the same way he did. That she wanted more and knew how easy it would be for her to sink into betrayal with him. He needed that, to feel that she wanted him as much as he wanted her.

Every morning he woke beside Jean he would immediately think of Ororo – her soft, beautiful, brown skin shining in the morning sun as she ran, damp with perspiration, or her body bared in a revealing bikini, laying on her back, topless on the roof as she soaked in the sun that somehow seemed a part of her – him above her sinking into her feeling how exquisitely tight she was while she dug her nails into his back, hard like he liked it and calling out his name, uninhibited and wild just for him, something Jean would never do.

"Owww! What the . . . ?" he exclaimed suddenly, his fantasy lost to reality.

Jean's teeth were covered in his blood from where she'd savagely bitten him. She shoved him off of her then bounded off the bed and raced to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. He heard the shower shortly and guilt overtook him.

He'd actually let his guard down for a moment, fantasized it was Ororo he was making love to, forgetting Jean was even there. Now he knew his wife knew. Her snooping into his mind because she wanted them to share intimacies on a level no one else could ever do was driving him crazy. He wondered how Scott had ever stood it. Did Emma do that too? Did all female mind readers want to pry into their man's head as he pounded into her while all he wanted was to have an orgasm and nothing more than that? She said she couldn't help it, that they were married and were so close it was just second nature.

She'd meant to hurt him but he was already healing. He hadn't meant to hurt her. A long deep sigh and shutting out the dark bedroom as he closed his eyes did nothing to change the tragedy that he'd just started. Or had the tragedy first started when he'd said his vows?

Ororo appeared, naked, smiling, moving towards him, laughing that little laugh she had when she was nervous and excited and emotional, a rare laugh, but he'd heard it so many times of late. As she sunk over him with the same need he had he let the fantasy take over and he finished what he'd started with Jean but without her now.

"Finished?" Jean asked when she came out and saw the sated look she knew so well on his utterly guilt free face.

He'd been drifting off and now tried to pretend he was asleep, laying completely still. He groaned a little to make it believable but he was a bad actor.

"Rot in hell," Jean snarled.

He heard her moving around, dramatically opening and shutting dresser drawers, knew she was packing. He almost held his breath. If she left him, gave him a divorce she could find someone like Scott and he could have his chance to be with Ororo! And as soon as he came to that sudden unplanned realization his face lit up. He was relieved, thrilled and already thinking of how he'd approach Ororo. The moment was much like a blast of fresh, cool air after long being cooped up inside a too hot house. But it wasn't at all like that to Jean.

She stopped. Slowly she turned around. She knew that he had to know that she'd picked up his stray thoughts, they'd been so loud, so heartfelt. Like a fool she'd hoped the change in mood was for her. Now she tugged at the tie to her robe, tightened it, then she got back into bed, pulling the covers over her and rolling to the far left side. He watched with his mouth hanging open. It was the last time she spoke to him in private and the first time she made an effort to keep her thoughts to herself.

-xox-

The next morning when Ororo greeted Jean with a smile and a, "Isn't it a beautiful morning?" Jean simply looked at Ororo blankly.

Guilt made Ororo fidget. It wasn't her fault if Jean was miserable.

"No, it isn't a good morning, and yes it is your fault," Jean replied and smiled at Ororo's aghast look. "I'd say the gloves were off, wouldn't you?" Jean murmured as she found a cup then took hold of the coffee pot.

"I don't know what you mean but I don't like it when you read my mind."

"It's so uncharacteristic of me isn't it?" Jean said, voice dripping with honey. She smiled at the others in the room but no one was paying any attention to them. Her voice dropped and she hissed, "What did you expect when you've been trying to steal my husband?"

Ororo coughed, the swallow of tea she'd just taken going down the wrong way. All normalcy had been washed away.

"Don't try to deny it. I know he's been spending all his free time with you."

"That would be more of a Logan problem and not my problem don't you think?" Ororo asked through almost sealed lips, her eyes flickering over the others.

"Why would he be interested in you if you hadn't done something to make him think he had a chance with you?" Jean whispered.

Thoughts didn't count, Ororo mused to herself. It was obvious she was enjoying this Jean saw. The light in her eyes, the shielded thoughts, the smile threatening to spread over her face – the face Jean had loved almost since the first day she'd met Ororo, a face anyone could love, open and so serene. She hated Ororo now. She never would have thought it possible but her husband wanted her best friend. She didn't know how to make that compute or how to deal with it.

"Don't think I'm letting him go so you can have him. I'll kill you first sister," Jean said in a low threatening tone before she set her coffee cup down and sailed out of the room with a smile dripping with insincerity. It was the last time the erstwhile best friends spoke to each other.

Ororo hadn't expected to feel a darkness that wouldn't leave her. She wasn't used to venom from Jean. She would've expected it from Emma, possibly even from Rogue or Betsy but not Jean. Jean had been with her through horrendous times and happy golden times. Yes, they'd been like sisters. There was no joy in losing someone who had meant so much to her for so long even if Ororo had come to dislike Jean's treatment of Logan. And knowing that Logan wanted her and not his wife made no difference and how could it if Jean wasn't going to let him go?

Jean's reaction inadvertently further fueled Ororo's resentment towards the red head and made her less inclined to shut Logan out. And perhaps that was why when Logan came upon her the next day that she didn't tell him to go away as she'd planned. It was nearly midnight and she was sitting by the lake in the glow of a full moon. She was thinking about him, trying not to feel guilty because she truly hadn't encouraged Logan but she was still wishing things were different for them.

"I couldn't have been wrong when we were in Australia, I couldn't have been," she whispered to herself.

And she knew she hadn't been wrong because at that time Jean was still so much a part of Logan's ideal. Even so, now she regretted the decision she'd made even knowing that when Jean was found alive again he would've dropped her so fast that she might never have recovered. And yet would trying for happiness at least been much better than wallowing in misery and wondering what if?

"Mind some company?" Logan's voice called out in the night.

"No," she automatically replied knowing she should send him back to his wife. But what was it to her if Jean couldn't control her husband?

Logan sat down beside her and they just sat there without speaking. But there was no peace in the silence this night. She felt nervous and guilty and she knew he had to know this. He kept looking at her but biting back whatever it was that he wanted to say. After only a short time the silence felt suffocating and Logan cursed as he got up.

"What's wrong?"

He looked at her. "What do you think?"

"The usual I suppose but, truly, Logan what did you expect?

"What did I expect?"

"Well?"

"I guess I expected her to be more like . . . like you."

"Me?"

"You know, quiet and happy and nice. You don't bug me all the time especially about little stuff, and you don't need to talk all the time. She used to be like you that way but now she won't shut up!."

"Jean was never like me, Logan."

"Yeah she was, she was sensible and happy and sweet."

"That was when she was with Scott, Logan."

He looked at her as her words sunk in. "So you're saying me not being Scott's the problem?"

"She's just different with you for whatever reason. You have to accept that, just try to let it go and make it work. She loves you."

"Then why can't she act like she does?"

"This is a conversation we shouldn't be having, you should talk to her, Logan," Ororo said and rose to go but he caught her hand and stopped her.

"You think I'm crazy?" he asked.

"Aren't we all a little crazy? Hoping for love in this world?"

He looked at her, her hand still clasped in his. "You never complain, never bitch. Why? Are you happy, Ro?"

She caught her breath. Was she happy? Without love, without him? No, she wasn't and she admitted it with a shake of her head.

"What would make you happy, darling?"

"Nothing I care to discuss."

"Now that ain't like you."

"Perhaps then you don't' know me or Jean like you thought."

"No, I know you, Ro. I guess I've been pretty selfish, all my blathering about me."

She couldn't deny it, he didn't expect her to. The silence was more comfortable now as they stood there with hands linked as they observed the other. He wondered what she was thinking. She wished he'd hold her just for a little while and that she'd be strong enough to send him home.

"I shoulda, we shoulda tried, Ororo," he said, stroking her cheek with his other hand.

"That may well be but you loved Jean, you wanted her before me and how much more did you love her when you knew she was alive? I couldn't compete with a ghost, who could?"

"I was really stupid."

She laughed. He gently drew her to him and she sighed with gratitude. One hug and then she'd tell him they could never meet like this again.

"I miss you," he whispered.

"I always miss you," she confessed.

And he kissed her. He didn't stop because he knew she didn't want him to stop and because he wanted to forget everything but the moment – holding her, loving her, the woman he should have chosen but had been too blind of an idiot to see. After a little bit they both broke the kiss as if they were thinking the same thing. Still, they rested their foreheads against each others for a moment longer.

"I'm going to tell her I want a divorce," Logan said.

"Oh, Logan, she'll be devastated!" Ororo said, moving away from him.

"I don't love her."

"The grass is not always greener in another pasture," she said, mangling the American saying.

"You know it's not like that. You know we shoulda tried back in the Outback. What's wrong with us trying if I'm divorced?"

"I don't want to talk about this or even think about it, Logan. She's my best friend or at least she was. You and I have already crossed a line we never should have gotten near and once too many times! We are not Emma and Scott!"

Her last succinct comment stopped him cold. He fumed silently before trying again. "I can't help how I feel about you, Ororo."

"Then we must refrain from seeing each other in any capacity save work."

"Even if I get a divorce?"

"I hope you don't, I don't want to be involved in that. She would hate me even more than she does now. Can't you just try harder and leave me alone?"

"Forever?" he asked.

"Forever."

"Damn you, Ororo, you . . ."

"We're both damned, Logan. Jean already suspects. She's stopped speaking to me, she said she knew I was to blame. Logan, if she knew about this – how would we live with that, hurting her like that? I'm not doing this, Logan, even if you get a divorce."

Logan didn't know what to say. Jean had confronted Ororo. Then he and Jean were finished. He wondered why Ororo couldn't see that. Finally he just shook his head and said, "Fuck."

"My sentiments exactly," Ororo replied and she sailed up into the night sky.

-xox-

And that was the state of things when Logan loped out to the field, late but happy for once, his mind made up – hope a thing of joy!.

"You late old man!" Remy yelled.

"I'm here now, looks like just in time," he said but his attention was drawn to Ororo who was at bat. "Watch for Bobby's fast ball, darlin'!" he warned her.

"Why don't you just shut up, Logan?" Bobby said.

"Not my fault you only got the one pitch, kid," Logan chuckled. "Ro, keep your arms – yeah, that's it, just like I taught ya. Looking good darlin'."

Ororo ignored him though she had righted her stance and raised her arms. Jean sidled up to Logan and linked an arm through his.

"Hello husband mine."

Logan nodded but his eyes were still on Ororo.

"You're rubbing it in, aren't you?" Jean spoke telepathically.

"Get out of my head," he said and pulled away from her.

Jean laughed a little, embarrassed but trying to show that she wasn't. They both watched Ororo take a swing and miss.

"Strike two," Hank shouted.

The next pitch was wild, crazy wild, and seemed to slow then speed up then curve slightly as if it were determined to find it's target – Ororo's head.

"Bobby, you idiot!" Logan hollered as he raced over to Ororo who went down as she was beaned.

Everyone gathered around her. She was sitting up now, smiling a little sheepishly, assuring them that she was fine and that Hank had two very blue and furry fingers when he asked her how many he was holding up.

"You may have a concussion, Ororo," he told her. "Rest a bit but don't sleep. I'll check on you a little later my dear."

She tried to stand.

"Here," Logan said and caught her up in his arms. "We can sit by the lake."

"That's not fair, Logan. You're not hurt, you're not getting out of this!" Kitty wailed.

"Alright, alright half pint, I'll be back in a minute," Logan said as he hauled Ororo down to the lake.

"You should put me down," Ororo said.

"I'd drop you," he chuckled.

"You, my friend are incorrigible."

"Yup an' you're the only one who appreciates it." He put her down gently. "Want something ta drink or anything ta eat?"

"Just your friendship, Logan, that's all I want."

"You got it, darlin'. You know I'll do anything for you."

"Goodbye, Logan."

He nodded but stood there looking down at her. He wanted to kiss her. He knew Jean was watching but he didn't care. He finally turned and went back to join the game.

Kitty met him half way and told him, "I think Jean's jealous!"

Logan glanced at his wife and didn't feel an ounce of guilt when he saw her flushed cheeks as she watched him with Kitty.

"She'll be fine," he said, glancing back at Ororo who was sitting in the grass swatting at some insect.

"I'm not so sure," Kitty said.

"Don't worry about it, Kitty. I'm gonna talk to her. Everything's gonna be okay."

Kitty looked at Ororo who waved before slowly laying down in the grass and closing her eyes. Ororo had heard their conversation even over the great distance although she didn't know how she had. Neither did she know how everything was ever going to be okay again. Everything felt so strange all of a sudden as if she'd lost all control of herself. And all the while Jean was trying to keep from smiling.

When Jean made a threat she was damn well going to see it through. Logan had flaunted his feelings for Ororo right in her face, in front of everyone, humiliating her! This was his fault. He'd forced her hand. They'd both forced her hand. Well, Ororo wasn't getting her husband and Logan wasn't getting a divorce. She'd make them both pay. Ororo with her life. And Logan, oh she had big plans for him still. He'd wished he was dead after she finished making his life hell on earth but she was never letting him go.