Eyes Wide Open

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. This story is on an AU track.

Chapter 18: Moving On

Alex's hand trembled as she slid it through the opening in the side of the incubator. Her family and friends had kept her well-supplied with pictures and information, but nothing would replace actually being able to touch her baby. Those two days had felt like an eternity.

"Hello, there, Sarah," she whispered. "Remember me? I'm your mommy." Her trembling fingers brushed against the ventilator tube and she had to choke back a sob. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. I'm sorry I didn't protect you."

"Not your fault." Bobby's words startled her; she hadn't realized he was right behind her until he spoke.

She turned to him, anguished eyes looking into his warm ones. "At least she won't remember any of this. I don't think I could live with myself if I'd left my daughter with a memory of having a tube down her throat."

"Even if -" Bobby began, and then broke off, unable to say the words that would make the alternatives real in his mind. "Even if it hadn't turned out well," he said finally, "it still wouldn't have been your fault."

"You're a lot more certain of that than I am."

He gently wrapped his arms around her, pulling her back into his chest. "You're right, I probably am. I can barely begin to imagine what you went through, Alex. But I know, I'm absolutely certain, that it wasn't your fault."

"How?" she whispered. "You weren't there. How can you be so sure?"

"Because it's never a woman's fault." He deliberately avoided the word 'victim'. "I know you fought as hard as you possibly could, but even if you hadn't, it wouldn't have made it any more your fault. He had no right to attack you - or to shoot you," he added, laying a gentle hand on her bandaged abdomen.

"I still should have at least stayed in the room," she mumbled, ducking her head.

"Maybe," he conceded. "But if you had, Detective Rollins might have been killed. And I know you never could have lived with yourself if that had happened." He kissed the top of her head. "If you were different, you wouldn't be the Alex I fell in love with."

"Really." Skepticism laced her voice.

"Really." His warm smile met her eyes. "You don't believe me?" She didn't reply, but her unspoken response gave him the answer all the same. "Alex, I love you. All of you, exactly as you are." He gently turned her around to face him. "Nobody's perfect, Alex. God knows I'm not. But if there's one thing I've learned in all my years of profiling, it's that what defines us are the ways that we're imperfect." He ran a finger over her cheek. "You took a risk to save a woman from a mass murderer. Even if that was a mistake, and I'm not conceding that it was, I think it tells the world everything they need to know about Alex Eames. And I hope," he added, glancing over her shoulder, "that our daughter turns out just like you. Although," he admitted, "I wouldn't be adverse to the idea of her choosing a less dangerous career than the police force."

Alex giggled a bit despite herself. "My family would probably consider this sacrilege, but I agree with you on that one. Maybe you can get her hooked on one of your many obsessions and she can have a nice safe career in research."

He laughed too. "Maybe. But only if she wants to. After all, she's an Eames. Do you really think we'll be able to steer her anywhere she doesn't want to go?"

xxxxxxxxx

"You four, my office."

The detectives all exchanged looks as they filed into the Lieutenant's office. Fin pulled the door closed behind them, and they all stood in front of Murphy's desk.

As usual, the man didn't waste time beating around the bush. "IAB ruling on the Johnson shooting," he said briskly, opening a file that sat in front of him. "Benson, Tutuola, Rollins, you've all been cleared. IAB finds that you all acted appropriately given the circumstances."

Despite the good news, no one smiled. As one, all three of them turned to look at the detective whose name hadn't been mentioned. Olivia finally broke the tense silence. "What about Nick?"

"Amaro." Murphy picked up the recitation again. "IAB finds that you acted recklessly by leaving your weapon unsecured during an active shooting situation. You'll take a two week unpaid suspension for the violation."

For a long moment, all of them stood in silence, waiting to hear the rest. When nothing more was forthcoming, he finally managed to croak out a soft "that's it?"

"That's it," Murphy confirmed. "IAB found that while your actions were reckless, they likely had little if any impact on the outcome of the incident."

"In other words," Fin surmised, "Johnson was going to die no matter what, so Nick didn't cause anything to happen that wouldn't have happened anyway."

"Essentially, yes," Murphy admitted. "So, Amaro, I don't want to see you back here for two weeks. The rest of you, get back to work."

xxxxxxxxx

"Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Doctor."

The man smiled kindly. "Of course, Alex. I always try to get new patients in as soon as possible. Of course, in your case, Sergeant Benson insisted I try even harder than usual. Please, have a seat."

She complied. "I can believe that. Olivia says you're the best."

"That does bring me to one ground rule," he said, a little more firmly. "The only reason I'm even willing to confirm that Olivia is my patient in the first place is that she said it was okay. I know you two are friends, and it's not like I expect you to never mention her name, but I won't have in-depth discussions about one of my patients with another. I've told her the same about you, for what it's worth."

Alex nodded. "I understand."

"So," he said, sitting down across from her. "Why don't you tell me what you do want to talk about?"

She drew a deep breath, trying to prepare herself to tell her story one more time. "Three months ago, I was raped in a parking garage..."

The End

Don't worry, there's more! Check out my new story, Thought Police, a sequel to both this story and Little Girl Lost. First chapter is already posted on my profile, and I'm expecting it to be a fun ride.

Please review! Thank you to everyone who has reviewed this far!