A/N: Well, uh... I guess this fic is going under the FFVII category, since there doesn't seem to be one available for Theatrhythm. Why not? Is Theatrhythm fic not a thing? It should be, it makes for some great crackfic. Which is pretty much what this is. Enjoy.

Cloud was done. Cloud was so fucking done. He'd already saved the world twice. Three times. Maybe four or five, if other dimensions counted. Was it too much to ask to be able be left in peace for a little while?

Apparently, yes. Yes, that was too much to ask.

He had been on his way back from a delivery, riding Fenrir through the wastelands, when he'd felt his stomach drop and his hair stand on end. His vision blacked out, and he had the joy of experiencing his body being ripped apart atom by atom and flung into another world.

Shit. Fenrir. If anything had happened to his bike, he was personally going to strangle Cosmos, fate of the universe be damned.

Speaking of Cosmos… she had to be around somewhere. If Cloud had been summoned, that could only mean she wanted to use him as her pawn of war. Again.

He idly wondered what was wrong this time. Probably Chaos. It was always Chaos. Chaos was even more persistent than Sephiroth, it seemed.

(Funny how easy it was to get used to the world ending. He'd given up getting stressed out over it by now.)

Deeming that there was no one else around, at least for the time being, Cloud decided to get a bearing on his location instead. It was… nowhere he recognised, that was for sure. The colours were too bright. There were birds. Singing. Flowers swayed in a pleasant breeze.

"What the…?" Cloud muttered to himself. It didn't look like the sort of place you would find the forces of good and evil trapped in a never-ending cycle of conflict.

The singing was pretty annoying though.

There was a path; a worn, winding dirt trail. It seemed to lead towards some kind of building in the distance. That was as good a place as any to start. He needed to find out where he was, what he was doing there, and what he had to do to get back home as soon as possible.

But maybe it wasn't all bad. If he had been summoned, it was likely the others had as well. It would be nice to see them again. Firion, Terra, Squall. Even Tidus he'd be happy to run into, as long as he didn't try to laugh.

Cloud picked up into a steady jog. The singing picked up as well, and that was really starting to weird him out. There was no way that was just birds. It was music. Where the fuck was it coming from?

Cloud didn't have time to ponder the matter. He was slammed into the dirt, face first, with no warning whatsoever.

He grabbed his sword off his back - he was no longer in possession of his Fusion Swords, but Cosmos had provided him with the Buster Sword instead. Someone needed to tell her she was behind the times. Cloud span round to face his assailant, only to find empty landscape as far as he could see.

Hestitantly, he turned back to the path. He'd only gone a few steps before it happened again.

"What the hell?!"

"You moved in the wrong direction."

Cloud bristled and scrambled back to his feet, sword drawn. His heart skipped a beat— in shock, or horror, or something. Yes. That was what it was. Because that voice… he would know that voice anywhere.

"Sephiroth!" he shouted, unamused. "Are you seriously tripping me over now? Is that the height of your villainy?"

Sephiroth chuckled darkly. "I was intending to help you, actually. As entertaining as it is seeing you fail so spectacularly."

"…where are you?" Cloud asked. He wasn't going to let his guard down so easily. "And… what the hell do you mean, 'moved the wrong direction'?"

"You weren't following the music," Sephiroth explained. At least, Cloud thought it was meant to be an explanation. It did absolutely nothing to enlighten him about what was going on though.

"The… music?"

"Welcome to Theatrhythm." Even without being able to see him, Cloud just knew that Sephiroth was smirking. He had that mocking note in his voice.

Cloud sighed heavily in annoyance. "I don't have the patience for your cryptic bullshit today. Come out here and either tell me what's going on, or let me shove a sword through your head. That usually helps matters."

"I'm afraid it won't help you this time."

Sephiroth's voice sounded closer, more solid. Cloud turned to where the sound had come from.

And gaped.

That… that was Sephiroth. There was no mistaking him. He wore the same clothes as always, all black leather and straps. Silver hair and piercing green eyes. But he was…

Small.

And cute.

It looked like someone had cast mini on him, but only on his body. His head was all out of proportion, oversized like some plush doll. (Not that Cloud had ever had a plush doll of Sephiroth, not even if his mother had hand-sewn him one for his tenth birthday. Wait.) It was a ridiculous look for the usually stoic and intimidating SOLDIER.

Cloud snorted. He hid his mouth behind his hand, trying to bite back his grin. A snicker made it's way out. Then a guffaw. It wasn't long before Cloud lost it completely, doubling over with laughter.

Sephiroth watched him with the icy patience of someone about to commit murder.

"I am sure my appearance amuses you, Cloud, but have you seen yourself since arriving in this place? You are no better off than I."

That shut Cloud up fairly swiftly. He remained in silent contemplation for a few long moments. "We need to get out of here as soon as possible," Cloud said, voice low with horror.

"Yes. That was my conclusion as well. I have no desire to remain around the other of Cosmos' warriors, but I will take you them, since you clearly are unable to navigate yet. Or you could fall on your face a few more times, that was highly entertaining."

Cloud shot Sephiroth a glare. "Why would you help me?" he asked, rightfully suspicious.

"I am not your enemy, this time round. We have a common goal."

"And what's that?"

"Getting the fuck out of here," Sephiroth said, utterly serious.

Cloud felt a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. That was a goal he could agree with. "Fine."

"Follow behind me," Sephiroth instructed, "no matter how strange the path may seem. You will learn to read the notes yourself soon enough."

"Notes…?"

"And do not be alarmed by the chocobo that appears out of nowhere."

Cloud could only shake his head in disbelief. He hurried after Sephiroth - Sephiroth, his arch-nemesis - through a world populated by bizarrely proportioned creatures and incessant music emanating from the ether.

Cloud was so fucking done.