Fan fiction

Seinfeld

Elaine was sent by Mr. Peterman to a small town in Northwest Kansas for two years to research middle America fashion . She finally returned to New York City and is sitting with Jerry and George in the diner. They are asking her about her experience in Hays, Kansas.

"So Elaine, I'll bet you were popular there in Hays" queried Jerry.

"Popular, smopular" Elaine shook her head " I went to the post office and saw my picture on the most Unwanted poster"

"You mean you didn't fit in?" asked George.

"If you are a women over 17 and don't shop at the Tammy Faye Baker pancake makeup store-you're not going to get asked out on a date by any guy worth his weight in Coors!" Elaine wasn't laughing.

"Don't they have any idea it is the 21st century and women can choose not to have four children by the time they are 19?" Seinfeld was incredulous.

"You've heard the saying 50 is the new 30? Well in Hays, 300 pounds is the new 130 pounds. The Wal-Mart riding cart seats are four foot wide-and that's for the singles".

Elaine shook her head.

"So, Peterman would go broke designing clothes for these Hays residents?" George rolled his eyes.

"I'll say" Elaine was adamant, "the spandex alone would destroy the world's supply of rubber".

"They think Weight Watchers is when you're WAITing in line at the McDonalds drive-through, WATCHing the seven cars in front of you". Elaine stretched, her pudgy arms straining her blouse sleeves.

"Looks like you put on a few pounds." Jerry teased.

"Listen Jerry, you try being a liberated woman in that town, they think AA stands for Anticipating Alcohol" Elaine said " Bud and I became good friends!"

" So, what happens to outliers like people of color, immigrants, and older women" Alice the waitress had overheard the conversation and chimed in.

"Hey, if you're not a white, Catholic, Volga German male with a belly, you're an outsider" they don't discriminate!" Elaine perked up. " I'm back, thank God, but I'm worried about what Peterman's going to think about the only fashion I could find -it is what everyone wears to church, including the priest-CAMO!