SeinCity: a Seinfeld/OZ Fan Fiction Script
Though my expertise with fan fiction is limited to a few fandoms, I could not resist composing this piece after seeing the "Seinfeld in OZ" skit on Saturday Night Live. IMO, I think it's the funniest thing SNL has done in a long time, and it inspired me to expand on the idea.For this fan fiction (written in a loose script format), I place the gang in Emerald City and Parker Women's (Elaine, duh). Now, there will likely be inconsistencies in this story. For example, the last episode of Seinfeld was in 1998 and I'm not certain who was on OZ then, because I only started watching it last year. So, when reading this story, please remember it was written for fun, not necessarily for accuracy.
That said, enjoy.
SeinCity
by Major Houlihan
All OZ characters represented herein are the property of HBO, Rysher Entertainment, and Levinson/Fontana Pictures. Seinfeld is property of Columbia Tri-Star and Castle Rock Entertainment (I guess, somebody let me know).
SCENE ONE: OPENING CREDITS. Fade in to the interior of the Oswald Maximum Security State Penitentiary, where a long line of new inmates shuffles toward a table monitored by two prison guards. JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER follow each other closely, awaiting their regulation prison uniforms and other accessories.
JERRY: (in front of the other two, shifting his weight from foot to foot) I don't see why you guys are so bent out of shape. It's only a year. It'll go by like that. (Snaps fingers)
The line moves some more. GEORGE and KRAMER look particularly anxious and study their new surroundings with trepidation.
JERRY: (calm) Of course, you can't count weekends, because they go by so quickly regardless of where you are. Then there are the offical bank holidays and various religious observances...so it won't even feel like a year. At best, six months.
KRAMER: (hands in pockets, a shifty glance eyeing the rough-looking fellow behind him) Say, Jerry, did you ever notice that every month has at least one holiday except August? What's up with that? You know, August really should have a holiday. At least one, Jerry!
GEORGE: (softly) May doesn't have a holiday.
INMATE BEHIND KRAMER: Mother's Day is in May.
All three turn their heads around to look at INMATE. They nod politely and face forward again.
JERRY: There's that, and there's also May Day.
GEORGE: May Day? What kind of a holiday is called May Day?
JERRY: (shrugs) I don't know, George. All I know is that it's on my calendar every year.
GEORGE: (shaking his head) May Day. That's not a holiday, that's a distress signal!
KRAMER: (taps GEORGE on shoulder) Say, George, maybe we can get the prison here to institute Festivus in August. You know, to even out the calendar?
GEORGE: (gritting his teeth) Would you knock it off with the Festivus talk? You want the people in here to think we're a bunch a loony tunes?
JERRY: Who do you plan on impressing here, George?
GEORGE lets out an exhaustive noise and the line moves some more. A few seconds pass before the conversation is resurrected.
GEORGE: (shyly) Uh, Jerry?
JERRY: Yeesss?
GEORGE: Um, when we get into the actual prison...could you, uh...
JERRY: Could I what? Lend you my soap on a rope?
GEORGE: (annoyed) No! Could you, uh, pretend...to be my...you know.
JERRY: (turns and looks at GEORGE with an amused look) Do I know?
GEORGE: (uncomfortable with saying it out loud) You know. (winks)
JERRY: Your accountant?
GEORGE: (explodes) My boyfriend! Boyfriend, boyfriend! I want you to be my boyfriend!
The line erupts into catcalls and wolf whistles. A guard steps forward to calm everybody down. George, realizing what he has said at so high a volume, turns beet red and wishes to die right there.
JERRY: (clearly relishing his friend's embarrassment) Ah, I don't think so.
GEORGE: What? Why not?
JERRY: (whispering) You're not my type.
GEORGE: Jerry, come on! (quieter) You have to do this for me. If people think we're, uh, together, they'll leave us alone and we don't have to worry about that particular aspect of prison life, if you catch my drift.
KRAMER: He's got a point, Jerry. I mean, look at George. He's short, wishy-washy, and has delicate skin. Everybody will want him to be their bitch.
GEORGE is easily discouraged by that thought.
GEORGE: (incredulous) Delicate skin? I have delicate skin?
KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Alabaster.
JERRY reaches the front of the line and is handed his things. GEORGE, like a robot, holds his hands out, collects his stuff, and follows JERRY. KRAMER holds up the lone roll of toilet paper given to him and squeals in horror.
SCENE TWO: JERRY is lounging in the lower bunk of his new pod in EmCity, which he shares with GEORGE. GEORGE is elsewhere at the moment and JERRY is reading a magazine when KRAMER bursts through his pod door in his usual manner.
KRAMER: (nods) Hey.
JERRY: Hey.
KRAMER: Got any Double Crunch?
JERRY reaches under his bunk for a box of cereal and hands it to KRAMER, who tears into it immediately and stuffs a handful of the sweet cereal puffs in his mouth. JERRY watches with obvious disgust.
JERRY: Enjoying it?
KRAMER: (frowns and crunches) Needs milk.
JERRY goes back to his magazine.
KRAMER: Hey, you mind if I hang out here for a while? There's a couple of guys coming over to talk some business with me.
JERRY: (looks up) A couple of guys?
KRAMER: Yup.
JERRY: Coming here?
KRAMER: (winks) Right.
JERRY: To my pod?
KRAMER winks again and nods enthusiastically.
JERRY: And this can't happen where you live now?
KRAMER: (suddenly indignant) Jerry, I can't have these people knowing where I am! There are murderers in this building! I can't have that!
JERRY: Uh, Kramer, this place isn't very large, and there are windows in all the cells. (JERRY gestures to his own to make a point) I don't think your whereabouts will be secret for very long.
KRAMER stuffs another handful of cereal in his mouth and leans in one corner of the pod. Just then GEORGE, wrapped in a large towel and dripping wet, bursts into the pod.
GEORGE: (frightened for his own existence) HIDE ME!
JERRY: (sitting up) What happened to you?
GEORGE scrambles to get into his bunk, stepping on JERRY'S face in the process.
GEORGE: I don't have time to go into details. There are two very scary, well-muscled men heading this way and I don't want them to find me!
KRAMER: Ooh, George, did one of them have tattoos on his arms and a cross pendant?
GEORGE dives under the covers and curls into a ball.
GEORGE: (voice muffled) Shut up! I'm not here, and I'm not George!
JERRY: I suppose that's a good thing.
Seconds later, CHUCK PANCAMO and a fellow WISEGUY saunter into Jerry's pod. CHUCK is clenching his fists and looks as if he is about to tear the place apart. JERRY stands to greet them.
JERRY: (arms open wide) Gentlemen, welcome to Shangri-La! (JERRY quickly bends down and retrieves a bottle from underneath his bunk) Snapple?
WISEGUY: No, thanks.
CHUCK: You seen a short, naked man run by here?
KRAMER rips the Snapple from JERRY's hand and takes a long drink, his mouth still full of cereal.
JERRY: (playing dumb) Bald, obnoxious, with alabaster skin?
CHUCK: That's the guy. We caught him pissing in the shower. (CHUCK moves closer to the bunk) I gotta use that shower, too, you know, and I don't like it when some pudgy prag uses it as a toilet.
JERRY: (showing mock concern and bravado) Well, I guess I'll just have to teach that little bitch a lesson when I see him next!
CHUCK: Oh, he's your prag?
JERRY: Well, I'm never one to brag about my prag.
CHUCK nods, a bit puzzled, and eyes the lump on the top bunk that is GEORGE.
CHUCK: That him?
JERRY: (glances at a cowering GEORGE, then lowers his voice) Oh, no. That's the new guy. He's, uh, Art Vandelay.
GEORGE stiffens.
CHUCK: Vandelay? What's he in for?
JERRY: (steering the wiseguys to the pod exit) What isn't he in for? I've heard tell that he was an architect...
KRAMER: (eager to be in on the charade) That's right. He designed one of his buildings to collapse just like that! (KRAMER snaps his fingers without realizing that's still holding some cereal. Sweet puffs explode in his hand)
JERRY: (somber) What a mess. It took half the National Guard to subdue him, and of all the luck he's my roommate. (JERRY leans in closer to CHUCK) But we need to be really quiet while he's having his nap. He can get cranky, and I don't think any of us want that.
CHUCK: (wide-eyed and worried) Right, right. We wouldn't want that. We'll see you around, and if you see Piss Boy around here, tell him I'm looking for him.
The wiseguys make a hasty exit. JERRY waits until they are out of sight before slapping GEORGE'S hump.
JERRY: You can't hold it in for two lousy seconds?
GEORGE: (still undercover) I had to go! There was a drain. (sits upright, still soaked) And why is it that I have to be your bitch?
JERRY: (smiling) Because I called it first. You should be thanking me, too, for saving your sweet alabaster butt.
GEORGE: (mumbling) Shut up.
There's a knock on the pod door, and RYAN O'REILY, carrying a paper bag, and CHRIS KELLER enter.
KRAMER: Hey.
RYAN: Hey.
CHRIS: Hey.
GEORGE: Hey.
JERRY: (sulking back on his bunk) Yeah, whatever.
RYAN: (pointing to the cereal) That Double Crunch?
KRAMER hands RYAN the box, blind to the look of anguish on JERRY'S face.
KRAMER: Help yourself.
RYAN and CHRIS tear into the cereal while JERRY kicks a bulky object underneath his bunk, hoping the rest of his possessions don't get doled out.
RYAN: So, Kramer. You got what I need?
KRAMER: (playing it cool) Oh, yes I do, my friend. (pats shirt pocket) You?
RYAN smiles and reaches into the bag for a roll of toilet tissue and hands it to Kramer, who responds by surrendering two Cuban cigars, which RYAN and CHRIS immediately put in their mouths.
GEORGE: (nearly apoplectic) Cubans? You smuggled Cuban cigars into prison? How the hell did you do that?
KRAMER: (winks) Oh, I have my ways. I know how to hide things.
CHRIS ponders this statement and takes the cigar out of his mouth.
JERRY: This is why you needed my pod? To get toilet paper?
KRAMER: Not just any toilet paper, Jerry. This is the quilted kind. (shrinks in horror) I can't use that stuff they gave us here. It's abrasive, Jerry. Abrasive!
JERRY: (rising) Well, if this little exchange is over, gentlemen, I need to go.
GEORGE: Where?
JERRY: Oh, I promised I'd call Elaine down at Parker Women's.
RYAN: Elaine, that's the girl that was arrested with you?
JERRY: Yeah.
CHRIS: (smiling wickedly) Oh yeah, I seen her on TV. She's hot.
GEORGE: (confused) What? Don't tell me you go for girls? I thought this place had prerequisites.
CHRIS saunters closer to the bunk. GEORGE presses himself against the wall in fear.
CHRIS: I like lots of people, Piss Boy.
GEORGE gasps and dives back under the covers. CHRIS and RYAN enjoy a good laugh at his expense.
RYAN: All right. C'mon Kramer, we'll move this party over to my pod and we can discuss that other business deal.
JERRY: (curious) Other deal?
KRAMER: (excited) Oh, yeah. We're all going into business putting out a line of clothing based on prison wear. Striped pants, shirts with numbers on them...it'll be the next new thing. Hey, you remember that girl I used to date? The one who designed the puffy shirt?
JERRY: (incredulous) The Low Talker?
KRAMER nods.
JERRY: I remember her well. I remember that her testimony at our trial helped put us here in the first place.
KRAMER: (unfazed) Yeah, well we're gonna get her to make the clothes for us...and, and Ryan here is gonna get them marketed on the outside.
JERRY: (to RYAN) So, you were in the fashion business?
RYAN: (smiling) Naw, but I got contacts.
GEORGE: Oh? (interested) Do these, uh, contacts have access to some more quilted toilet paper?
RYAN: Depends on what you got to trade, Piss Boy.
GEORGE bristles at the new nickname, which he clearly dislikes, but decides not to rile these seasoned inmates.
GEORGE: Well, uh, I got Snapple.
JERRY rolls his eyes; it's really his Snapple. RYAN and CHRIS look at each other and laugh, then walk away, KRAMER in tow. A beat later, JERRY leaves for the phone.
GEORGE: (calling after them, agitated, still clutching his bedsheets) Hey, hey! It's not funny, you know! I am not one to be mocked. I used to date Marisa Tomei! I even killed my fiance!
SCENE THREE: Split-screen features a two-way phone conversation between JERRY and ELAINE, who is incarcerated at Parker Women's Correctional Facility. ELAINE is dressed in a drab gray jumpsuit and glancing about her surroundings with obvious disgust.
ELAINE: So, I ask the guard if there's a chance I could get something in a dark blue. I mean, I look amazing in dark blue. This thing (she gestures to her clothing), I might as well wear a potato sack.
JERRY: (bored) Uh-huh. Hey, you might not want to consider dressing too attractively, given where you are.
ELAINE: (pondering the thought) Oh, that. (laughs) Well, I tell you, as long as I've been without sex, straddling the fence is starting to appeal to me all the more.
JERRY: You've only been in prison for four days.
ELAINE: Well, it's four days too long for me, and I don't think I can make it another three hundred and sixty-one.
JERRY: (slyly) Are you still queen of the castle?
ELAINE: The queen was overthrown the first night, are you kidding? (brightening) Hey, you wanna get married?
JERRY: What?
ELAINE: Maybe if we got married we could have conjugal visits.
JERRY scratches his chin. The idea does have merit.
JERRY: Interesting, interesting. But why me? Why don't you ask Puddy?
ELAINE: (cringing) Puddy, yeesh. He's dating that girl Marla now. You remember, the closet organizer.
JERRY: (shocked) The Virgin? Puddy's dating my virgin.
ELAINE: (sour, recalling the JFK, Jr. incident) My sources say that nickname is sorely outdated, my friend.
A FEMALE GUARD approaches Elaine.
FEMALE GUARD: (gruffly) Benes, you got visitors.
ELAINE cups her hand over the receiver, curious to know who would be visiting her.
ELAINE: (to JERRY) I'll call you back.
ELAINE hangs up without saying goodbye and follows GUARD.
SCENE FOUR: At the cafeteria, KRAMER and JERRY are eating lunch alone when RYAN joins them.
RYAN: Where's Piss Boy?
JERRY: Oh, he decided he wasn't hungry. He's sulking in our pod trying to think of a way to get people to call him by a different nickname.
RYAN: (somewhat disappointed) But I like Piss Boy. What name's he thinking about?
JERRY: T-Bone.
RYAN: We already got a T-Bone here. Only he ain't called that because he likes steak.
JERRY and KRAMER both think about it and collectively shudder.
RYAN: (to KRAMER) Anyway, it's all set. All we do is send the designs to your ladyfriend, and she'll have the samples by the end of the week.
KRAMER: (nodding) Giddyup.
JERRY: (pushing away his sandwich) Just like that? After we single-handed ruined her career, and she's going to help now?
RYAN: It took some convincing.
JERRY: What did she say?
RYAN: (wrinkles his brow) You know, I'm not sure. My buddies said they couldn't understand a word.
SCENE FIVE: GEORGE is walking from the library back to his pod, a paperback in hand. Various inmates pass by greeting him as "Piss Boy". GEORGE sucks it all in and waves nonchalantly, pretending it doesn't bother him. He is almost to the stairs when KENNY WANGLER calls him from behind.
KENNY: Yo! I hear you're Seinfeld's prag.
GEORGE: (smirking, as if relishing a shrewd thought) Actually, my friend (he places a hand on KENNY's shoulder then quickly retracts it after the dirty look given to him), it's the other way around. Sometimes I allow Jerry to tell it differently. You know, to make him feel special.
KENNY: (could care less) Whatever. Here (hands GEORGE a folded note). Tell Jerry to give this to his roommate, Vandelay. I hear he's the one to call to get a job like this done.
Curious, GEORGE starts to unfold the note but KENNY grabs his wrist.
KENNY: I said it's for Vandelay. (turns to leave) And try not to get it wet.
GEORGE mimics the young inmate and waits until he is gone before opening the note, becoming shocked as he reads.
SCENE SIX: Elsewhere in the cafeteria, CHUCK and the WISEGUYS are eating.
CHUCK: (wolfing down his dinner) I tell ya, when I get my hands on Piss Boy, I'm gonna tear off his arms and legs and use him as a planter.
JOEY: He's got nice hands, though. I wonder if he was a hand model.
CHUCK throws him a disgusted look.
CHUCK: Anyways, keep an eye on that Seinfeld, so long as Vandelay is nowhere in site.
JOEY: I heard Vandelay once destroyed an entire crack house full of gangstas. Killed every last one of them.
WISEGUY: Well, I overheard the Christians talking about how he used to design abortion clinics with asbestos in the walls so all the doctors would get cancer and die, and nobody would be the wiser.
Further discussion of "Vandelay's" misdeeds continues, while one table away VERN SCHILLINGER sits with the ARYAN BROTHERHOOD, eavesdropping.
SCENE SEVEN: Back at Parker Women's, ELAINE is led into the visiting area and set down before a plexiglass panel by the FEMALE GUARD.
FEMALE GUARD: There's quite a few people, so we'll bring 'em in one at a time.
ELAINE, who wasn't expecting visitors, let alone one person, is still perplexed. A montage of guests follows.
RUSSELL DALYRIMPLE, former head of NBC Programming, is first. He is disheveled and looks as if he has been pulled from the East River.
RUSSELL: (shyly) So there I was, stranded on this desert island after I fell off the Greenpeace boat. I ate nothing but coconuts for four years, with just my thoughts of you sustaining my sanity...
ELAINE: (trying to be polite) Well, that's just sweet. Now, who are you again?
ROY, the artist cured by the Junior Mint, is next. He holds up a dark painting of Elaine in prison.
ROY: I just had to come by and thank you, Elaine. Your incarceration is the best thing that happened to my career. I've sold just about all of my paintings in the Elaine series.
ELAINE: (scrunching her face at the likeness of her) Uh, thanks.
ROY: (holding up a box of candy) I brought you some Junior Mints. Maybe you could trade them for cigarettes or something.
The TV GUIDE COLLECTOR who created the Elaine mannequin is next. He arrives with an armful of TV Guides.
TV GUIDE COLLECTOR: I tell you, my heart just broke when I found out you were here. But don't you worry, I'm going to save every single copy of TV Guide for you that comes out until you're released.
ELAINE: (eyeing the guard, waiting for this hell to end) You do that.
The MAESTRO is next. He plays a rather violent-sounding concerto for her on a tape player.
MAESTRO: I composed it last week. I call it 'Elaine's Prison Attack in G Minor'.
ELAINE: (disgusted) Love-ly.
MAESTRO: (elated) The world tour begins in two days!
J. PETERMAN is ELAINE'S last visitor. ELAINE is actually happy to see him.
ELAINE: Mr. Peterman! How nice of you to come see me. I hope this, uh, whole thing with the prison won't have an effect on my job.
PETERMAN: Quite the contrary, Elaine. Your incarceration could prove to be a boon for us. I would be insane to let an opportunity like this pass by, seeing as how I have someone on the inside.
ELAINE: (doesn't follow him) Uh, inside?
PETERMAN: Of course! (leans into the glass and speaks lower into the phone) J. Peterman is going to produce a new line of prison-inspired clothing. Striped jumpsuits, shirts with those numbers on them...we'll take Paris by storm!
ELAINE nods sagely, all the while thinking PETERMAN is off his tree.
PETERMAN: And I want you to write all the catalog descriptions. I'm sure by now you have a feel for the life of the wanton female inmate...
ELAINE: (interrupting) I've been here for four days --
PETERMAN: (ignoring her)...and I want to make everything sound as realistic as possible. Don't spare the lingo they use here in the slammer. (chuckles to himself) Oh, and if you've already dabbled in the love that dare not speak it name, throw in some of that, too.
ELAINE rolls her eyes and hangs up the phone.
SCENE EIGHT: Several INMATES are gathered around the television watching Miss Sally. JERRY finds a vacant seat next to GEORGE, who is wearing a Yankees ballcap pulled over his face.
JERRY: How's my sweet little prag doing?
GEORGE casts JERRY a glare that says, "Bite me."
GEORGE: Do you mind? I'm keeping a low profile. I've got wiseguys after me, and now the gangstas want me to arrange to have people killed on the outside.
JERRY: What are you talking about?
GEORGE: (hands JERRY the note) Somebody gave me this. Apparently the legend of Art Vandelay has grown to epic proportions. He's like a cross between the Equalizer and Hannibal Lecter.
JERRY glances at the note and his interest is piqued.
JERRY: So, what are you going to do?
GEORGE: ME? You're the one who started this whole Vandelay in prison business.
JERRY: Ah, yes, but Vandelay is your creation, and I think you owe it to the good people of this prison who wish to use Vandelay's services to murder people on the outside to tell the truth.
JERRY grins while GEORGE snatches the note back and sulks. Everyone else around them is too engrossed in Miss Sally's antics to pay attention. AUGUSTUS HILL, for one, is completely smitten as Miss Sally banters with hand puppets Pecky and Nooter.
AUGUSTUS: Man, what I wouldn't give to be a puppet for five minutes.
TOBIAS BEECHER: You know Vandelay used to go out with her.
A chorus of disbelieving voice rises and GEORGE just shakes his head.
GEORGE: (muttering to himself) Terrific, not only does the man not exist, but he has a better love life than I ever had.
TOBIAS: It's true, and you know what else? He once slept with Marisa Tomei!
Upon this revelation, GEORGE is clearly fed up, and he stands and blocks the television.
GEORGE: Okay, that's it! It's enough that the fictional Art Vandelay has taken on a life of his own, but I'll be damned if he's going to take my life! (ignoring the catcalls and curses to sit down) Marisa Tomei was mine, baby! Tell 'em, Jerry. Tell 'em how Marisa likes short, stocky men.
JERRY: You never slept with Marisa Tomei, George. Didn't you say she socked you in the jaw when she found out you were engaged?
GEORGE is at a loss for words. He just stands there dumbfounded while inmates yell at him to move. At this time CHUCK and the WISEGUYS round a corner and appear.
CHUCK: Hey, it's Piss Boy! Get him!
The WISEGUYS charge for GEORGE, who runs off screaming. JERRY sits back down to watch Miss Sally.
JERRY: (to AUGUSTUS) Say, wasn't she in Rochelle, Rochelle?
SCENE NINE: Back at Parker Women's, where ELAINE is working at her new job filing papers in the main office. TIM MCMANUS emerges from the warden's office with an armful of files.
ELAINE: Excuse me? (waves to get TIM'S attention) Uh, hi. I heard that you're in charge of the cell block where my, uh, boyfriend is staying.
TIM: (quite taken with ELAINE) Your boyfriend is in OZ?
ELAINE: (shrugging, acting giddy) Yeah, well it's an interesting story, too long to get into now. (clears throat) I was wondering if you had a minute, because I wanted to discuss arranging a proxy wedding with him.
TIM: Sure, we can talk if you like. Doubt it'll do you much good, though.
ELAINE: Why's that?
TIM: Well, we do allow marriages for our prisoners under special circumstances, but currently conjugal visits have been barred at OZ.
ELAINE looks as if she has been told she will never have sex again.
ELAINE: What? How can that be? The women here are allowed conjugals!
TIM: They are, but I'm sure many of the women here have husbands who aren't in OZ.
ELAINE: So, if I were to marry somebody who wasn't in prison right now, I could have conjugal visits?
TIM: (smiling) It would appear so.
ELAINE gives TIM the once over and smiles, deciding whether or not he is sponge worthy.
SCENE TEN: GEORGE skids around a corner and runs for dear life down a corridor. He passes an open door, where an arm reaches out, grabs him by the collar and pulls him inside. GEORGE discovers himself in the gymnasium, alone with SCHILLINGER and the ARYAN BROTHERHOOD. SCHILLINGER backs him into the wall.
GEORGE: (trying very hard not to wet himself, thereby perpetuating the nickname) Uh, hi.
SCHILLINGER: We understand you're a friend of Art Vandelay. (crowds in closer with the rest of the BROTHERHOOD) We understand he's also a very difficult man to find.
GEORGE: I-I can explain that, you see, there really isn't--
SCHILLINGER: (cuts him off) A man like Art Vandelay could be a real asset to the Aryan Brotherhood, if what I hear is true. He could be a real feather in my cap. You be sure to tell that to Art next time you see him. Tell him Vern Schillinger wants a meeting.
SCHILLINGER leans even closer to GEORGE, who is pressed so closely against the wall that he could almost fall through it.
SCHILLINGER: Are you of the pure white race, boy?
GEORGE: (swallows hard, lying through his teeth) Yes.
An evil grin curls SCHILLINGER'S lips.
SCHILLINGER: A true Aryan brother wouldn't do something as disgusting as piss in the same shower used by the brotherhood, Sweet Pea.
The BROTHERHOOD closes in on GEORGE.
SCENE ELEVEN: JERRY is back in his pod, reading a magazine and lounging on his lower bunk. RYAN enters the pod, a la Kramer. RYAN: (straightening his shirt) Hey.
JERRY: (not looking up) Hey.
RYAN: Got any Double Crunch?
His head still buried in the magazine, JERRY reaches underneath his bunk and surrenders the cereal. He looks up then to discover that Kramer is really Ryan and he does a double take. RYAN tears into the box of cereal and stuffs a handful of sweet puffs in his mouth.
RYAN: (mouthful of cereal) Hey, you need the rest of this? My brother Cyril likes this stuff, too.
JERRY: (waving him away) Take it, take it all. But that's it. The food court is closed.
The pod door opens and GEORGE, looking as if he endured a tornado, stumbles inside. JERRY begins to ask what happened, but GEORGE simply holds up his hand, climbs up into his bunk and passes out. RYAN, acting as if stuff like this happens all the time, digs for another handful of cereal.
JERRY: (to RYAN) So, how's your little fashion escapade coming along? Do you really think you can operate and market a line of prisonwear from in here?
RYAN: (winking) You'd be surprised, my friend.
SCENE TWELVE: This is a montage of brief flashback scenes depicting the adventures in prisonwear. First, we see RYAN bribing one the GUARDS with a Cuban cigar to take a manila envelope with the designs. Next, the GUARD knocks on the door of THE LOW TALKER, who clearly looks afraid for her life. Next, THE LOW TALKER is busy at her sewing machine creating the sample clothing under the serveillance of some intimidating thugs in RYAN'S gang. Next, one of the thugs is passing through security at Oswald with a box with the finished products. He is then led to a private conference room, where he has a scheduled visit with KRAMER, who takes the box, but not without some trepidation. The thug leaves, and J. PETERMAN walks into the conference room with a box. He and KRAMER trade.
SCENE THIRTEEN: Back in JERRY'S pod. RYAN: Yeah, it's great to have contacts on the outside. (holds up the cereal box) Hey, where do you get all this great stuff?
JERRY: (not to be outdone) Well, let's just say I have some contacts myself.
SCENE FOURTEEN: Miami, MORT and HELEN SEINFELD'S home. MORT is reading the newspaper and HELEN is on her way out the door with her purse. HELEN: I'll be at the grocery store. Jerry wants more cereal.
SCENE FIFTEEN: Back in JERRY'S pod. KRAMER bursts through the door with the package. RYAN: (to KRAMER) So? What did he think?
KRAMER: (excited) He loved them! We're going to take Paris by storm!
RYAN and KRAMER high-five each other. KRAMER hurts his hand.
JERRY: What's in the box?
KRAMER tears open the package to reveal several rolls of quilted toilet paper, which he and RYAN scoop up greedily.
KRAMER: And there's more where this came from, baby!
JERRY leans in for a closer look and grabs a roll, staving off a look from RYAN.
JERRY: Consider it payment for the cereal, all right? Hey, that's J. Peterman's logo. He's going to produce your prisonwear?
KRAMER: You know it, Jerry.
JERRY: Oh, man, that reminds me. I need to see McManus about Elaine.
JERRY hurries out while RYAN and KRAMER continue to unpack the toilet paper.
KRAMER: (to RYAN) You know what I'm thinking next? Those heavy ball and chain anklets. Great for weddings, don't you think?
SCENE SIXTEEN: There is a knock on TIM MCMANUS'S office door and JERRY peers his head inside. He sees TIM with FATHER RAY, officer DIANE WITTLESEY and SISTER PETER MARIE.
JERRY: Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. McManus. I didn't know you were busy. I'll come back.
TIM: Oh, no, Jerry. Come in. I need a favor from you.
JERRY: (surprised) From me?
TIM: (waving JERRY further inside) It's kind of a last-minute thing, I know, but I'm hoping you can help. You see, I'm getting married...
JERRY: (eyeing DIANE, assuming she's the bride) Oh, that's great! Congratulations. That's kind of strange, because I was about to ask you--
TIM: (interrupting) Anyway, it's a proxy wedding, and I'm short a witness. Could you stand in for him?
JERRY finds the whole thing odd, seeing as how DIANE is standing right there, but he agrees and takes his place next to TIM. SISTER PETER MARIE stands next to DIANE and FATHER RAY begins the ceremony.
FATHER RAY: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Tim McManus with Elaine Benes in the bonds of holy matrimony...
JERRY'S jaw drops to the floor.
SCENE SEVENTEEN: Several inmates are gathered around the television, watching the news and waiting for Miss Sally's show. Among them are GEORGE and JERRY, who sit in front. GEORGE peers over his shoulder from time to time to see SCHILLINGER staring at him intently.
JERRY: So you didn't tell him that Vandelay doesn't exist?
GEORGE: (weary) No, it's kind of hard to explain such things when four guys are pinning you to the ground while the fifth pulls down your pants and brands a swastika on your ass.
JERRY: (wincing) Wow. It's amazing you can still sit down.
GEORGE shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
GEORGE: Yeah. I really wish I had my wallet to sit on. (sarcastically) Anyway, if it's any consolation to me, I did receive an apology for having my alabaster skin charred.
JERRY has no response to that. He nods slowly until something on the television catches his eye.
JERRY: (to AUGUSTUS, sitting next to him) Hey, let me see those for a sec.
AUGUSTUS hands over the headphones and GEORGE and JERRY each take an ear. Cut to the television screen, where a NEWS REPORTER is standing in front of Oswald.
REPORTER: ...and in a very controversial move this afternoon, Tim McManus, who runs the cell block in Oswald known as Emerald City, wed an inmate at Parker Women's State Penitentiary. Elaine Benes, one of the New York Four, was arrested and convicted...
GEORGE: (shocked beyond belief) Elaine! Elaine married that guy! What the hell was she thinking?
AUGUSTUS: (shrugging) Guess ol' McManus is sponge worthy.
Jeers all around. JERRY shushes everyone to hear the reporter continue.
REPORTER: In a related story, a massive letter and petition campaign has begun with the express purpose of requesting clemency for one Art Vandelay, who is believed by many never to received a fair trial...
CHRIS KELLER: That's right, Vandelay. You show them who's boss!
The INMATES, save for JERRY and GEORGE, erupt in supportive cheers. GEORGE once again leaps up in front of the television.
GEORGE: Oh, for the love of everything sacred, people! There is no Art Vandelay! He's fiction. I made him up as an alias to pick up girls on the outside.
CHRIS KELLER: What the hell are you talking about? Vandelay's as real as you and me.
SCHILLINGER: That's right. He's a true credit to the Aryan race, and I don't appreciate anyone who besmirches his good name.
TOBIAS BEECHER: (tapping his chest) Who do you think did litigation work for his architectural firm, huh?
GEORGE: (looking around in disbelief) What? Are you people insane? I made him up.
SIMON ADEBESI: Hey, Seinfeld! Look's like your prag is short a prong.
Everybody laughs. Jerry nods politely while GEORGE continues his downward spiral into insanity.
GEORGE: (face reddening) You people are all morons!
Two OFFICERS arrive on the scene and notice GEORGE about to explode.
FIRST OFFICER: Okay, what's going on here?
GEORGE: (eyes like saucers) Tell them, officers! Tell them there's no Art Vandelay. I'm Art Vandelay.
The OFFICERS look at the crowd for confirmation. Nobody says a word.
CYRIL O'REILY (to his brother RYAN, softly) I thought you said his name was Piss Boy.
SECOND OFFICER: Okay, that's enough. Come on, Piss Boy.
The OFFICERS grab GEORGE by the arms and drag him away as the crows applauds. JERRY watched helplessly.
JERRY: (calling after him) I'll save you some Snapple, my sweet little prag!
GEORGE: (voice fading in the distance) Shut up! You're my prag! My prag!
SCENE EIGHTEEN: GEORGE is thrown naked into the Hole. He stumbles for a few steps and lands on his hands. We cut to the point of view of the door slamming shut in front of him, granting us a view of GEORGE'S head through the sliding window.
GEORGE: (his face filling the small window) Hey, what is this? Lemme me out! I have to go to the bathroom. I'm not kidding, how am I supposed to go? There's no drain in here. There's no drain! CLOSING CREDITS.
SCENE NINETEEN: END TEASER. JERRY and KRAMER are in line at the cafeteria, waiting for breakfast. The line is long and winding, but moving quickly. JERRY: Man, George is going to be in the hole for the entire month. You think he'll be all right?
KRAMER: Oh, he'll be fine. Estelle and Frank sent him a care package. Ryan said he'd take care of it.
SCENE TWENTY: Quick cut to the O'REILY pod where RYAN and CYRIL are rifling through GEORGE'S care package and splitting the goodies.
SCENE TWENTY-ONE: Back in line, JERRY and KRAMER move forward. KRAMER: (slyly) Sooo, you talk to Elaine?
JERRY: Yeah, she just had her "honeymoon." (sighs)
KRAMER: Well, I hope she and Tim are happy.
JERRY: Oh, they will be, until Elaine gets out and files for divorce.
KRAMER nods. It's likely to happen.
JERRY: I hear there's a new guy working the kitchen.
KRAMER: He seems to be efficient. This line is moving.
Seconds later we hear the familiar cry NO SOUP FOR YOU! KRAMER and JERRY look at each other.
JERRY: No!
KRAMER: It couldn't be.
An INMATE walks past them, obviously peeved at being refused dinner. JERRY taps the shoulder of CHRIS KELLER, who is standing in front of him.
JERRY: (to CHRIS) Hey, who's that? I haven't seen him before.
CHRIS: What? Are you messing with my head, Seinfeld? You don't even know your own roommate, Vandelay?JERRY and KRAMER watch VANDELAY walk past, their mouths agape.
THE END
Copyright 2000 Major Houlihan