The Final Frontier

"Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages-"

"Hold it, hold it."

I look at my science officer. A vulcan whom I named Pointy Ears in what seemed like a good idea at the time. Now, faced with enterprising voyages in deep space that may well last into the next generation, I'm starting to have second thoughts.

"The final frontier," he muses. "Isn't that the same speech Zefram Cochrane gave centuries ago? The speech that has been used by every ship that's borne the name of Enterprise?"

"Well, yeah," I say. "But this isn't the Enterprise. It's the USS Kickass captained by Pwnmeister."

"Well, Pwnmeister," the vulcan says. "I do believe that a better speech is needed."

"Fine, fine," I say. "Let me pause the game."

The game is paused. In the background I hear an argument brewing that seems to involve terms such as homework, dinner, and taking out the trash. Stark contrast to the bridge of the Kickass, which is populated by NPCs. Perfect for me to think of a better speech…if I can just…

"Garbage," I say. "You never do any of the responsibilities I do you. Your marks have been going down ever since you started this game. For God's sake, your father and I spent a fortune sending you to-"

"Sir, I believe that's the player's mother."

"Oh. Right." I sigh. "The twentieth century. Nightmare."

"Twenty-first," says Pointy Ears.

"Oh shut up."

The vulcan does so. As I ponder my next speech, I look over my model. Plain burly white dude. My creator could be arsed to give me a name, but not use the character creator. Bastard.

"Okay," I say. "Star Trek Online. A true continuation from where the true universe left off. That God-awful Nemesis film notwithstanding."

"Actually I liked Nemesis," pops up a crewman.

I vaporize him. And Pointy Ears raises an eyebrow.

"Anyway," I continue. "This is Star Trek Online. A true continuation of the Prime Universe. Never mind that reboot, it-"

"Sir, this is becoming a rant," Pointy Ears points out. "This isn't season one of The Next Generation."

"Fine, fine," I snap. "Okay Pointy Ears, what speech should be use for the maiden voyage of the USS Kickass?"

"Don't ask me, I'm just an NPC."

I sigh, looking out over the bridge. "Does anyone have any idea as to what speech we can use?"

No-one answers. They're either busy performing background tasks, or arguing about the Abrams reboot series.

"Fine! Waste your life! Fail school! See if I care!"

I gulp – no time for speeches right now. We have a game to play. I suppose we can…can…can…can…

"Pointy Ears?" I ask. "What's…wha…t's…happ…ing?"

"La-la-la…"

"Damn," I murmur as the vulcan tries to articulate his words. "Bloody lag."