Hallucinogens Part One

I was very close to giving up, but giving up meant staying in here forever. Eternity was indefinite, a bold line with blurred edges. I would never, could never, last in here. Then again, I might already be going crazy, for very obvious reasons. It feels weird, contemplating the thought of being in here forever, always existing. It was like I had died; no, I was not dead. Might as well be. Living to experience death, poetic. Still, the feeling was surreal, but so absolute. I was truly stuck in here forever. I sink from my sitting position so I'm on my back, staring at the bland ceiling. Ceiling... Ciel. If I was honest, I missed his presence.

It would make sense, since I had nothing else to wish for. Besides freedom. I wonder if Ciel was alright...

I wonder how to get out.

All I can do is wonder. Like wondering is all I am, abstract thoughts with no sense of space, no time, only present at the moment of the creation of ideas. Nothing is here but this non-existent space, so I close my eyes. There isn't really any blackness, because that is a substance. There simply is nothing. No room, no past lives, no manor or Hell. I open my eyes again, sitting up. Hell... how would a human get out of Hell? Thinking like a human was against the very being that I am, but it could prove useful. I was a demon... and I would use my demon mind to think like a human to get out.

You suffer to repent.

There was a promise a long time ago, all humans would go to Heaven if they repented, yes?

They needed to ask for forgiveness.

Begging was not my strong-suit, because it showed submission. But if I kept control of the game through using useful tools, secretly holding the upper hand, then I was truly the one in charge. I stand and walk from my spot next to the desk, past Claude who sits on the bed watching me through his silver glasses with curiosity. I resist the urge to look at him as I fall onto my knees, hands on my thighs, in front of the metal door.

I can almost see the outline of my reflection. Hoping this works, I swallow, willing myself to do this. I can hear Claude sit up, to watch what I'm about to do. Resisting the urge to smile, I close my eyes. My voice comes out strained.

"I'm sorry." I almost wince at how pathetic I sound. It's all a part of the act. "I'm really, really sorry for killing... Claude."

I stop, waiting. There is no sound, no one answering me. I consider trying to apologize again, but the idea is unappealing. Instead, I continue kneeling and wait, my knees growing more sore by the second. Irritated, I can hear Claude shuffle around in his spot again. The clock ticks. Still, no sound from the other side of the door. No walking, no voices, no one coming back. Not even a demon laughing at me with amusement. Annoyed, I open my eyes and stare at the metal. I can see Claude's shape in the reflection, but the image only fuels whatever rage I've stored to the back of my mind. I hang my head, trying to think things through again as I clench and unclench my fists, jaw grinding with anger.

Forgiveness wasn't going to work? Fine. Frustrated, I hit the door, letting the pain swallow any other feeling. I stand up unsteadily, feeling the blood pumping in my veins. Growling, I hit it again. A again. I have to stop at the fourth one. Red blood falls down, the pattering of liquid like the bang of a drum. I stop, noticing how much my breathing has quickened, despite not needing air. How tired my muscles are, the weariness in my bones. Laughing to myself, bitter and depressed, I turn so I can lean on the door and slide all the way back down to the floor to sit. I look at Claude.

"Help me."

"With what?"

"I need to get out," I say, scowling. The answer should be obvious. Claude sits up so his elbows are resting on his knees, one eyebrow raised as though he has found something funny. Still, the gold eyes glisten, untrusting.

"Let's do a quick rundown. If I am not real, as you believe, I can't help you. You can only help yourself, and surely you can. You've defeated even me before. If I am, not only would I not help you, but I would do my best to remain in character by making this little lesson of yours all the more painful." Claude smirks at the end of his speech, and he leans back against the wall wearing a satisfied expression. "Your begging was extremely pathetic and ridiculous by the way, I would pity you if it weren't so funny."

"Oh, go to Hell," I scowl without thinking through what I just said. Claude opens his mouth, but I hold out a finger to stop him. He closes his mouth, satisfied looking. Annoyed, I fixate on the wall across from me. I doubted begging even more would help, since I was dealing with demons, and we were not the forgiving type. So much for that plan. Fresh out of options, I debate another idea. If Claude was their leader, could I threaten him?

Grinning maliciously, surprised that I didn't think of this before, I slowly stand. Claude glares, probably sensing what I had planned. He gets up too, climbing off the bed to stand by the desk. Moving so his back is pressed up against the wall, he waits, and I come nearer, it would only take a few steps to stand face to face with him.

"Michaelis," he says, voice cold. Almost like he was acknowledging me. I take a step, the another one, the sound of my footsteps loud. Progress. I hesitate when I am halfway across the small room, thinking, would I really make the same mistake again? It was stupid, idiotic, and I knew somehow it was stupid. But I set my jaw, and in a few more steps I am close enough to throw the first punch. There was a loud sound as his glasses break, a sickening sound, but Claude recovers quickly. Springing to the side to avoid my next punch, he brings up his knee to my chest. But I am too tall for that, and his knee collides instead with much more sensitive parts. I am shocked for a moment, but soon snarl and swipe my hand to grab at whatever I can.

He ducks under my arm.

I turn around.

His shoulder smacks against my chest and propels me into the wall, my back hitting the stone. I forgot how strong he can be, but I ruthlessly bring down my elbow. One pained cry later, he lets go and retreats, but I won't have none of it. I throw another punch with my already injured hand, and the pain snaps through my arm, up to my shoulder like a wave. In my moment of complete distraction, Claude takes a chance to throw a punch of his own. My head snaps, the pain hot on my lip. There must be blood, I have to be bleeding now after that hit. Undeterred, I shove him into the door. It bangs loudly, but doesn't even bend or give away. I kick him between the legs now, taking a moment to bask in the satisfaction of seeing pain flash over his face. He goes down to his knees, and I bring up my leg.

His head snaps back, hitting the door.

I grab his collar, dragging him forward. Going behind and grabbing his hair, a fistful of the black silk in my palm, I turn to the door.

"Is this what you want?" My voice is thunderous, can demons be pumping with adrenaline? I hope whoever is watching will see this... I want these demons to see what I've done to their master. Lost in the euphoria of the fight, I turn around and kick his back. He flies to the ground. I kick his side, and he turns so he can see me. He sees his chance and takes it, and I notice too late when he grabs my ankle and twists it to the side. There is a fine snapping sound, and the pain is unbearable. I try to step away, but only succeed in falling back.

On the floor, I get up and do my best to send a kick to Claude's face. It works, and as the blood is flying everywhere, I move close to grab his head. Going around back, arm around his neck and hand pressed to the side of the face of the demon who got me here, I look around. At the walls, to the door. Wherever the demons are, I want them to see this. Blackmail, now that was something I could do.

"Do you see this?" I snap, turning and pulling Claude with me. Leaning on my left leg for support, my grip is unrelenting. He pulls at my arm, but I don't give away. "I will kill him, I swear! I'll do it!"

"Michaelis," Claude chokes out, slapping at my arm. "Be.. reasonable..."

"Let me out! Let me out of here! Or I'll kill him, I'll kill him."

"Sebastian," Claude gasps, his fighting weakening. I cringe when he says my name, but try to block out his words. It doesn't work. He coughs, fighting against my hold, while I can already feel my own strength slipping. "Sebastian... be... reasonable. If they c-... could... wanted to hear y-you, they'd have put you in a cage."

The words are almost unclear, but I can make them out. They sink in. Suddenly, it hits me; no demons were watching me. That's why they never answered to my calls, why they didn't even laugh at all my failed attempts to escape. I was utterly alone, in an ominous cell in the deep dark pits of Hell. My own, personal Hell. The only one who was here was me, and maybe Claude... god, I was going crazy. I was fighting the only other company I had. And even if Claude were real, why would he be locked away to? So, he wasn't actually real? Who was I fighting? Another wave of pain passes over me, and I drop Claude.

Coughing and choking, he gags on his hands and knees, blood pouring off his face and pooling onto the floor. I stumble back, my leg giving away. I collapse, sitting against the wall and closing my eyes. Claude sits right next to me so his shoulder is touching mine, shaking with every gasp of his, and I don't protest his presence due to the fact that I'm still dealing with my pain. I look at him, admiring my handy work. Clothes slightly ripped, hair dishevelled and golden eyes exhausted, he looks awful. He looks back at me, no energy to glare. I can't even come up with something insulting to say. But I've got to say something.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry?"

"I wasn't thinking straight."

"Obviously. You just tried to bloody kill me!" His voice is hard, but his face still blank. He must've picked up that particularly vocabulary from somewhere... most likely Alois. That blond boy was such a spoiled brat. I snort in response, looking at the wall across from me. I actually was sorry though, for making such a stupid mistake. Then again, it wasn't that stupid; it might have worked. If there were demons around.

"Then I can safely say that there are no demons guarding the door," I confirm, turning to stare at the door. Or, there were, they just... didn't care. It'd make more sense if no one was there. No one would want to babysit a demon, especially since said demon was locked in a practically inescapable room.

"Really? After all this time?" Claude's voice is laced thickly with sarcasm. Annoyed and bristling, I cross my arms, trying to think the situation through.

The advantage was that I could probably scream out my escape plans and no one would be around to hear.

The downside was that I was alone.

Then again, was that really a downside? I liked being alone...

Alone forever, though...

Stuck with that... thing...

Annoyed, I glare at Claude like it's all his fault. Technically, it is. It was, wasn't it? Not just his, though. If I never met Ciel, if my master never slowed us down or became a demon or could run just a bit faster, we would have never been caught. Trapped like prey. If Claude never had other demons like him, followers, if Ciel and I never ran into him.

If I never failed. I would admit that, at least to myself. I had failed. My skills the last while were poorly used, I had been a slow demon. A lethargic one. How do I think like a demon again? The answer should have been easy. But I had no idea how to get out of the hole I dug myself into, all for a soul that was probably gone now. A soul that was more trouble than it was worth. I should have never gone after him, done what I did, everything I did. He wasn't worth it.

Wasn't worth it. The sentence hits me hard, and I feel sorry for saying it. More trouble than it was worth? My master's soul had been worth all the trouble, what did a bit of time in Hell cost? I'd been here before, been trapped into more difficult situations. Had to figure out more confusing and aggravating puzzles. That's all this was, another puzzle. No, I wouldn't be fed the soul I desired, but the adventure itself had fed me. Kept me from succumbing to the boredom that affected most of my kind.

This was what I needed, a challenge.

I could escape.

I just needed time.

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone still reading! I'm glad you're liking the story! Sorry for spelling mistakes too.